October 31, 1982

Deer Dear Sirius,

I'm really tired and accidentally wrote "deer" instead of dear. James would've thought it was hilarious.

I can't stop thinking about James and Lily, and by extent, about you. It's October 31 today. My three best friends have been dead for a year, and I'm writing a letter to the person that betrayed them.

I wonder if James realized what happened when Voldemort entered the house, if he realized that his brother had betrayed him. Knowing him, probably not. He probably started thinking of other possibilities immediately, even though there is only one way a Fidelius charm can fail, because James would never believe one of his friends would do something like that. That was his fatal flaw, I guess. Trusting you.

What happened the past year? I lost my job and got a new one. Snape started teaching at Hogwarts. Peter received an Order of Merlin, First Class. Dumbledore received a bunch of awards too, but that's less surprising. James and Lily are featured in the newest edition of A History of Magic.

I haven't seen Harry in a year. At first, I thought of going to see him, maybe talking to his aunt and uncle for a bit, but I eventually decided that I wouldn't be helping Harry with that. He doesn't need a jobless werewolf who can't get over his traitor friend in his life.

I thought the pain would get less, but it didn't. Every day the waves of grief come crashing into me again, taking away my breath. But it's become less unbearable. I can go hours without thinking about them sometimes. I can smile about the years we did have again.

What I still can't do, though, is hate you. And I tried, I promise. I feel anger, I do, but I still love you.

Most of all, I don't understand. Why? Why would you do that? The Sirius I knew would never betray his friends. He would rather die. And don't tell me I didn't really know you then, because I did. I know what you'll do before you do it, I know wat you think, what you feel. I know that I love you more than anyone in the world. I know you love me back.

You know what always impressed me back at Hogwarts? How, even if you had been talking with James and fooling around all class, you two always knew the right answers. You didn't always say it right – sometimes I managed to trick you into giving the wrong answer by violently whispering bad answers from behind you – but you always knew what the answer was.

I can't actually send this letter to you, so you'll never see this question, but I still want to ask it.

Do you regret anything? Would you still betray James if you knew it would lead to his death? Was that a risk you were willing to take? Why did you even betray him in the first place?

I don't know the answers, but I know you do. You always do.

I wish you and James were here with me to know all the answers. I wish I had my arms around you, your face in my chest, our breathes synchronized, everything okay. I wish I had James dragging me to breakfast, forcing me to eat. I wish I had Peter giving me hot chocolate, immediately sensing when I needed it. I wish I had Lily stroking my hand and telling me that I wasn't a freak or a monster.

I wish everything had been different.

I wish the love of my life hadn't betrayed my best friend.

I wish I could go back in time, just to enjoy one last day with the four of you, one day before everything was suddenly torn apart.

I miss you.

Love, Remus