November 1, 1993

Dear Remus,

I'm absolutely not proud of what happened tonight. I probably shouldn't have broken into the castle like that. You would've told me to wait, to plan carefully, so that I could catch Peter without risking anything. But it was October 31st. It's been exactly twelve years since it happened. Twelve years since Lily and James died. Twelve years since my life was turned upside down.

I've been basically stuck here for weeks, you know, in the Shrieking Shack, where so much happened. In Azkaban, I never knew the date, but now I do, thanks to the Daily Prophets I find at Hogsmeade. So when I was sitting here yesterday, all of the rage, hurt, betrayal, sadness and guilt from that night came crashing into me and I couldn't take it anymore.

No words can describe how I felt when I realized what happened. It was the most horrible moment of my life. I'd had a bad feeling all day, like something terrible was going to happen, so I went to Peter's to check if everything was okay, to see how he was dealing with basically being locked up there. When I found out he was gone, I was so worried, but still I didn't think...

I can't even describe it.

I immediately went to their house and it was completely destroyed, wrecked, left in ruins. And when I opened the door, I saw him. My best friend, my brother, lying on the floor in the hall, his eyes staring at the ceiling without seeing anything. He didn't even have a wand. It was worse than when I found out Reg died; this was the second time I lost a brother. I would never see James smile again. I felt so awful when I saw his body, I was panicking and crying, my throat was closing and I couldn't breathe, it was like I could feel everything I'd built up, my whole happy life, just slip away from me.

And Lily, who hugged me when I got letters from my parents, who braided my hair, who taught me kindness, the most awesome girl I knew, she was dead too. And it was my fault. I was the one who came up with the idea to switch Secret Keepers, I was the one who trusted Peter. It was my fault that Lily and James were dead, that Harry would grow up without his amazing parents. Nothing can compare to that guilt, nothing is as bad as knowing that you are to blame for the deaths of the most important people in your life. The grief combined with the guilt nearly drove me insane.

I couldn't save Regulus from my parents and the Death Eaters. I couldn't keep Peter on our side, couldn't keep him away from Voldemort. I couldn't protect James and Lily. I couldn't even care for Harry; less than a day after the moment I became responsible for him, I got myself stuck in Azkaban.

And yesterday, it was like everything happened again. I was back there, saw it all unfold in front of my eyes, and could do nothing to stop it.

I knew I had to do something. Peter had to pay.

I knew everyone would be in the Great Hall for the Hallowe'en feast, so I snuck inside through one of our old passages and went to the entrance of the Gryffindor common room, hoping that Peter would be alone in the dormitory. But I didn't know the password, so the Fat Lady refused to let me in. I got so angry and frustrated, because Peter was right there, behind that painting, and this was the best chance I'd have in weeks, and tonight was the night in happened... So I slashed her with my knife, hoping to get in or get rid of some of the frustrations. She started screaming, of course, so I had to flee. I failed to get to Peter. I feel like such an idiot right now. He was so close, and yet I still didn't manage to avenge James and Lily.

Later. My time will come, I'm sure of it. I just have to get the password. I just have to wait.

Love, Sirius