Outside Admiral Bill Adama's Quarters aboard Battlestar Galactica: 2200 hrs.
As Laura stood outside the Admiral's Quarters she felt her hands begin to shake. She instructed her security detail to stand post elsewhere nearby for the duration of her stay. They understood that she would be staying late and then heading to guest quarters until morning. Her guards had gotten used to her occasional nights aboard Galactica and often split up duty between themselves and the Admiral's own posted guards. While she usually made sure to come up with some excuse as to the length of her stay she found that this time she just didn't have it left in her to give a frak. She was grateful for their service but she wanted them as far away as safely possible for the time being. She wanted privacy and though she figured their guards had no interest in what went on behind the door, knowing anyone was standing so nearby would unnerve her.
When Laura had called Bill to request the visit she'd made it very clear that it would be a personal meeting. She asked him to do everything in his power to make sure they would not be interrupted until morning and she promised to do the same.
"Say no more, Madam," Bill had said wryly. "I'll do what I can and let's just pray to the gods for a quiet night on deck."
She could tell that he was smiling on the other end of the line and her heart skipped a beat knowing how eager he was to spend another treasured night together and how regretful she was to know that it wouldn't be the pleasant time he was expecting. There nights together were so few and far between, it seemed. Whatever it was that had developed between them, they hardly spoke about it. It just was. It had began so fluidly that there seemed to be no need for it. They each knew that it could never be public, and they each know that they could never offer each other themselves fully. Their lives wouldn't allow it. They had to be grateful for the stolen moments between business and the rare nights they could escape within one another the way they couldn't do with anyone else left alive.
Laura trusted Bill implicitly and yet she stood outside his door too nervous to enter. She prayed he would understand what she was about to tell him, that he would forgive her, that it wouldn't ruin what they had managed to find within one another, and she prayed that he would help her find what she was looking for.
Taking the deepest breath she could manage Laura banged on his hatch. She held it in until she heard him call.
"Enter."
She steadied herself and walked inside. As the hatch closed shensaw him standing there in his tanks, the top of his uniform already off, a drink in one hand and some papers in another. The sight of him made her breath catch in her throat. She smiled and stood there for a moment taking in the image of him in the dim golden light. Sometimes she was in awe of his commanding presence. She could throw herself into his embrace and fall to pieces if she'd let herself.
"Well, are you going to say hello or did you just come here to stare at my pretty face?" he teased placing the papers and glass down on an end table.
Laura laughed and walked to meet him in the middle of the room.
"Hello, Admiral," she flirted.
He slowly moved close and encircled her waist with his arms. She placed her hands on his sturdy chest.
"Admiral?" he echoed in a low smooth tone. "I thought this was supposed to be a personal visit."
He leaned in to kiss her.
"I'll say it is," she said with a giggle and their lips met for a long and tender kiss.
She could smell his aftershave again. It was following her. It was on her clothes after she'd leave him in the the middle of night, sometimes on her blazer if they managed to steal a private moment throughout the day. Now recently she could even smell it in her dreams. With a sudden rush of blood to her face she remembered just why she was there. She parted her
lips from his and leaned back smiling at him.
"I see you've started without me," she said looking quickly to the side table that held his glass.
"Never," he winked and turned to retrieve it. "Can I get you one?"
"Not just yet," she answered wringing her hands. Though she sure could use one to relax she decided she needed a clear head.
Her hands were shaking. She could feel them, even after that warm honey kiss they were still trembling. She watched Bill as he walked over to refill his glass.
"Something wrong, Laura?"
She bit down on her tongue in some attempt to keep her nerve.
"We need to talk, Bill," she answered with a sigh and a sad smile.
"What? What is it?" he asked quickly and with a sudden perturbed look.
"I just want to talk to you…about a few things actually," she added, folding her hands in front of her.
"Oh," he responded rather curtly while looking down at the various bottles and glass tumblers.
He gestured for her to take a seat on the sofa and she did. She kicked off her shoes out of habit and brought her feet up underneath her.
He sat down beside her leaving an obvious space.
"You look so disconcerted," she smirked.
"Should I be?" he asked, leaning his forearms on his lap and thumbing his drink.
She laughed softly and gave a little shrug. Bill took a sip of the amber liquid and waited.
"You know, Bill, sometimes I wish I'd met you a long time ago," she admitted still with a wistful smile.
She twirled the end of a lock of her hair and watched him.
"Why's that?"
Bill leaned back and studied his drink as if it were the most interesting thing in the room. Laura shrugged and reached over to him, fiddling with the edge of his tanks.
"I don't know," she paused leaning back. "So I would have known there were men in the world like you. So I wouldn't have made some of the mistakes I did. So I could meet you sooner and get to be with you for longer. Lots of reasons," she said looking at him longingly. "Does that sound silly?"
"Laura, what's going on?" he asked firmly as he turned to look at her.
She could tell that despite her sentiment he was growing impatient.
She sighed but didn't answer.
"The other day," Bill began with a sigh. "I heard Tory say that you haven't been feeling well," he pressed. "Is that true?"
Laura nodded, suddenly unable to find her words.
He winced and took a large sip. He let it sting his tongue for longer than usual before he swallowed it down.
"I figured that you were just running yourself ragged prepping for the election."
"That hasn't helped matters," she agreed.
Bill let out a long low groan that sounded like someone had attempted to let the air out of his tires.
"It's back then?" he asked, not wanting to look at her for fear of seeing the answer in her eyes.
Laura furrowed her brow. For a moment she was unsure of what he was asking.
"No," Laura answered quickly. She leaned over and took his hand in hers. "No it's not, Bill. It's not the cancer, thank the Gods. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you."
He looked at her both relieved and annoyed at the same time.
"Then what the hell is going on, Laura!?" he demanded.
Laura sat up straight with a rush of adrenaline and squeezed his hand pulling it into her lap. She had to get it out now.
"Bill," she began, looking into his now irritated eyes. They were striking, midnight blue and filled with questions and now a cloud of frustration. "Bill, I'm going to tell you something, but before you react I want you to hear me out completely. I want to explain to you what's going on and then I'm going to ask you for a favor. I just need you to hear it first. Then you can ask me anything you want, say anything you want, but I just need you to hear what I have to say," she blurted. "Can you do that for me, Bill? Will you?" she almost pleaded.
She gave his hand another firm squeeze holding it tightly in her lap.
"For the sake of the gods, Laura!"
"Can you do that for me, Bill?" she asked again, this time more firmly.
He was ready to yell again but he stopped himself and he nodded.
"Yes, but you need to start talking. I'm sitting in the dark here, Laura and I don't like this feeling," he warned.
She nodded and then clasped both of her palms around the hand she held in her lap. She steeled her resolve and made herself go on.
"About two weeks ago I went to see Doc Cottle," she began to explain.
She could already tell that he was fighting to keep his promise not to interrupt. She gave him a warning look and he let her continue.
"I had gotten dizzy at a quorum meeting. I had been feeling sick the past few days which was odd because to be honest, I'd been feeling so well after my recovery."
Bill looked like he was about to snap like a dry twig. She knew she had to speed things up.
"I went to Cottle after the meeting. Tory took me. He ran a hundred tests and the cancer is still gone. Everything checked out fine except that…" she stopped unable to get the words to flow out naturally. She saw him grit his teeth and he started to pull his hand away in irritation. She tugged it back harder and gave him another warning glare ."Except that, I'm pregnant, Bill," she finished quickly. "I'm pregnant."
Laura watched Bill's face turn to stone and then drain of all color, which was fine because she was fairly certain she had just felt her own face do the same. It was the first time she'd ever even said the words out loud. They sounded so surreal. She saw him start to shake his head in confusion as if he wasn't sure that he had heard her correctly or maybe he was having a frakking stroke. She couldn't tell.
"Are you…" he started to speak, but she quickly brought her hand up to halt him.
"Bill, stop. Stop. You promised," she reminded him forcefully. Laura smiled with a roll of her eyes and she laughed bitterly at the absurdity of what was happening. "To answer the obvious questions though; yes, you heard me correctly and yes Cottle is one hundred percent sure. You better believe he checked twice over. His face looked something like yours," she said with some dark humor.
Bill went to speak again, but again she stopped him letting the hand in her lap go and putting a gentle finger to his lips.
"But, Bill, listen to me," she went on with new intent. "Believe me when I tell you that I am not under any delusions about this pregnancy. I know that it shouldn't be. I know that I can't have it. Besides the obvious reasons, Cottle made it very clear that health-wise it would be very foolish," she went on though Bill looked like he was going insane inside.
His mouth was open and his forgotten drink was held slack in his hand and about to pour out on the rug.
"He's offered to help me…and he's offered to cover it up. And before you even think about mentioning the legal matters, I've been over that in my head a thousand times over. I'm not proud of it but there really isn't much of an option here."
Bill's drink finally hit the floor, but neither of them noticed or cared to acknowledge the mess. He rubbed his hand over his face and let out another groan.
"Can I speak?" he asked.
"Just a second."
She had to continue. She needed to ask him for the favor she needed. She felt foolish and desperate. She was mortified, but if he obliged her then maybe she could live with what she was about to do. Maybe she wouldn't completely die inside if she had something to savor and cling on to.
"I told you that I had a favor to ask," she reminded him sadly. "This might sound crazy, and I suppose that it is, but I want to be totally honest with you."
Bill nodded slowly, afraid of what might come next.
Laura swallowed hard as her eyes finally began to water.
"I won't lie to you and say that this isn't killing me. I know what has to be done," her tears began to spill over despite her efforts to hold them back, "But a part of me, I know is going to be lost with this…" her breath hitched. She composed herself partially and started over. "I've been trying like hell these past few weeks to stop myself from thinking about what it would be like…what it would be like if this happened in another time and another place, another universe even," she scathingly mused through her tears, "But the mind doesn't always listen and I haven't been able to stop thinking about what it would feel like to actually…." her lips started to tremble.
"Oh, Luara." Bill leaned in to cup her tear stained face.
"All I want is one night." she blurted out shakily. "One night together…just to enjoy it. To pretend for a few hours that it's alright, to be happy that it happened with someone I care so much for. If I could know that feeling, if I could know what it would be like for just a while…then maybe I could live with what's coming. If I could think back to this night and know that at least for a second we acknowledged it then I'd be able to think back to it for the rest of my days and know for a moment it was real."
Her voice had become steadier, but so had her tears.
He leaned his face close to hers.
"Could you do that for me Bill?" she asked with a desperate look on her face.
He was silent for a moment and it scared her.
To say he was stunned would have been the understatement of the century.
He was utterly shocked. The facts hadn't even truly sunken in yet, but one thing he knew was that he saw the woman he cared for was hurting and he would do what he could to help her.
"I'd do anything for you," he affirmed and he kissed her cheek wet with tears before kissing her trembling lips.
When the kiss broke she whispered a soft thank you. Bill nodded and they each leaned back.
"Laura, I'm trying to take this all in…" he sighed.
"I know," she said nodding.
"Can we back up for just a second?" he asked tentatively, afraid to cause her anymore distress.
Laura wiped at her tears and tried to compose herself.
"Of course. Of course, Bill. I just needed to get that all out. I had to. I told you before you can ask me anything you want now. Just don't ask me how this happened because you certainly know that answer," she teased just to lighten the air.
"Okay," he smiled in acceptance. "Then when?"
"I don't know yet. Cottle only did the blood work and a pelvic exam to confirm."
The doctor hadn't done a scan at the time, sure that she would return shortly to be further assessed during a time where he could make sure that there was a bit more privacy in the infirmary but she hadn't gone back.
"Two or three months at the most," she shrugged and her cheeks flamed red. She honestly had no idea other than it had occurred sometime after she'd recovered and they began sleeping together. "A few weeks at the least."
He nodded again.
"Who knows?"
"Just Doc Cottle…and now you," she said with a weak smile. "I lied to Tory."
Bill looked down at the stain on the rug where his discarded glass lay on its side.
"And when are you going to…"
He kicked at the glass as he trailed off.
"I keep putting it off," Laura admitted. "Things have been hectic. The campaign," she shrugged. "I wanted you to know first."
"And you're absolutely sure you're going to?" he asked as he looked up at her.
She inhaled deeply and rubbed her forehead.
"Gods, Bill, I don't think I have much of a choice."
"What's Cottle say?"
Laura took a long breath and let it out.
"He says that my body made a mistake…" she cringed. "At the tail end of my cycle and through my illness it got some mixed signals and let this happen. He said that with my age and everything I've gone through that the chances of it being healthy are severely compromised, but even more than that it's probably dangerous to let it go on. He feels that I could eventually hemorrhage and that I would be risking my life," she explained.
"And he's sure of that?" Bill asked.
Laura shrugged
"He seems fairly certain considering all the factors," she said with another sad smile. "It doesn't matter. Even if that wasn't the case. It's not as if we could…" she stopped herself from explaining what she knew he already understood.
"The thing is, Bill, in another place and time I might have risked it. I would have tried, I think. Tried to have the chance…but I can't be so selfish now," she confessed, leaning her head against the back of the seat.
Bill cuddled up next to her.
"What if you knew it was healthy? Would you risk it then?" he asked as he started to stroke her hair.
"Bill, it's not just about a health concern. Even if it was safe and I knew that it would be born healthy, look where we are. We are two middle aged people floating through a war fought in space and we just so happen to be in charge of the entire thing."
He gave a dark chuckle at her description, rubbing his hand over her knee.
"It's just no environment for a child. We could never survive in our positions after being exposed. Where would the fleet be without you?
"We're still human beings, Laura…" Bill attempted, but she went on.
"I know that I just finished trying to make it so more babies are born within this fleet. If you think I don't see the sick irony you're wrong, but I had people like Lee and Kara in mind. I didn't make the frakkin' law
thinking of Saul and Ellen and I sure as hell didn't have us in mind either."
Bill smiled and kissed her on her temple. Saul and Ellen; now that was a wild thought.
"I just keep thinking of what a cruel frakking joke from the Gods this has to be; maybe for enacting that law, maybe for…" she trailed off before she mentioned Hera.
Bill didn't know and now was not the time. When he did find out she knew that it would probably be the end of them and she couldn't lose him yet.
"Don't think that way Laura," he told her. "I know it might feel like that but this isn't a punishment. It's just a sad circumstance and horrible decision that you don't deserve to have to make."
Laura was quiet for a while. Bill wasn't sure what to say. He understood the concerns. He certainly didn't want to lose her.
"Is being here really the only reason you wouldn't chance it? I mean be honest. If we were back on Caprica with no cylon threat, but the same medical circumstance would you really risk your life?"
She took a moment to answer.
"Yeah…yeah I think I would. I guess I never realized how badly I wanted it…until I couldn't have it," she confessed. "I had no family left, even before the fall. I might have tried just for the chance to have someone...It'd be nice not to be alone anymore."
"You're not alone anymore, Laura," Bill told her.
"Which is why I asked you that favor," she added. "I'm ashamed to even ask this of you, Bill. I know how pathetic this is. I just wanted to feel what it was like for a little while. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm asking you to do…except be with me and tell me it's all going to be alright, even though it's not. I wanted just a night to act as if it was a miracle rather than a curse."
Bill's heart was breaking for her, for both of them. He thought for a minute about what she was asking. He couldn't believe this had happened. He felt guilty for his part in it. He'd done this to her.
He was angry, not at her but that he didn't have a better solution. He couldn't stand to know what she was going through and how hopeless she sounded. He didn't want to encourage her to take a chance that would most likely end up in devastation for both of them. A chance that could ruin them both and cause havoc for the fleet only to most likely end up in loss. On the other hand he knew the alternative was going to so badly damage Laura's spirit that he was afraid of the effects it would have on her. How well would she even be able to go on?
Still, if she'd made her decision then he would do his best to give her anything she asked of him. He just had to figure out how.
They sat quietly for a while. He ran his fingers up and down her leg from her knee to her thigh as he thought to himself.
"Laura…" said after a short while. He looked into her usually bright verdant green eyes now dulled with mossy grief. "It's going to be alright, Laura."
And with that he let her cry into his arms until she had no tears left.
After a long while, when Laura finally lifted her head from Bill's tear stained tanks he kissed her. The kiss was long and soft and told her in one motion just how much he cared for her. She felt grateful for his touch. Bill grazed her cheek with the back of his hand and smiled softly.
"Take your jacket off. Get comfortable," he instructed as he got up to pour her some water.
She quietly did as he told, shrugging her blazer off, then taking her glasses from where they hung on her blouse and putting them aside as well.
Bill walked back over to her and handed her the glass before rejoining her on the sofa. She thanked him without meeting his eyes and she took some tiny sips.
"Feet up," Bill instructed, bending down to help her.
"What? Why?"
"Because, Laura, I'm gunna rub your feet. Now lay down, feet up," he told her again, sitting beside her and guiding her legs across the sofa and her bare feet into his lap.
"You don't have to…" she began to protest the odd offer.
"I want to," Bill said blankly as he proceeded to massage at her feet.
It was a sweet gesture, but Laura was a little confused as to where it came from. She never said her feet hurt, they didn't- not that it didn't feel incredibly good. Bill had such strong and powerful hands but when he touched her he was so very deliberate and gentle. He looked over at her, continuing to thumb at her arches.
"My ex-wife, she liked this when she was pregnant," he explained.
Laura didn't know what to say. A lump formed in her throat.
"You know, Laura…" Bill went on sensing that she was too overwhelmed at the moment, "It's kinda nice to know I'm still shootin' bullets," he winked and got a small laugh out of her.
"You most certainly are," she answered with a playful roll of her eyes.
"Can I ask you something?" Bill posed as he started working her ankles.
He could tell that she was beginning to relax at least a little, despite the heavy sadness that he felt around her. He could feel some of tension from her body starting to release under his hands.
"Sure."
"Why didn't you have children before?"
Bill looked over at her as she seemed to be thinking about the answer.
"I don't know, I guess it was just never the right time. The opportunity was never really there. The urge wasn't strong enough or I was just really good at ignoring it. It wasn't something I wanted to do on my own and to be very straight forward; Richard Adar wasn't my only mistake. I sort of always had a habit of being with unavailable men. Men who had families and careers that were too important to sacrifice," she palmed her forehead looking somewhat ashamed. "And with my own career, it just sort of…got away from me," She said with a sigh. "I made a choice and it's not that I ever really regretted it. I just…"
Bill nodded in understanding, doing his best to let her know he wasn't passing judgment.
"Not the most noble of answers I know," she smirked.
"I wouldn't say that," Bill countered. "You could have done it anyway and brought a child into a situation you didn't think was right. I'd consider that less noble," he defended. "You know, I always wanted children, Carolanne and I both, but I was away so much. It was hard on her and missed so much time with the boys that sometimes I wondered if I had made a selfish choice," he confessed as he started to rub her calves.
"Well I can tell you that I highly doubt your sons felt that way. I know that you have your issues with Lee but I can see just by the way that he looks at you. It's like he's looking into the eyes of a God. He just worships you even though sometimes he doesn't act like it and I'm sure Zak did too the way they followed so valiantly in your footsteps," she admired.
Bill silently nodded considering her words. Most of the time he didn't feel that way.
"You, Bill Adama make a wonderful father," she added
Bill smiled at her.
"And you, Laura Roslin, I believe would have made a wonderful mother."
Laura smiled sadly and shrugged. She wiped some tears away that rolled down her cheeks and tried to swallow the rest before they came.
"So what would you want to have? A boy or a girl?" he asked.
Laura looked at the ceiling with wistful eyes.
"I don't know. I suppose I never really pictured myself with a little boy. I always connected with the little girls in my classes much easier. I would have adored a little girl," she admitted.
"You know, I wanted girls too," he told her, tracing his fingers lightly down her calf.
"No," she replied in disbelief. "Really?"
"Yeah I did. Both times Carolanne was pregnant she was sure it would be a girl. Lee and Zak were each a surprise to both of us. I'm not sure why. I guess I just wanted a daughter to spoil. I was tougher on the boys because I saw myself in them," he proposed. "I even wanted Carolanne to try again. I told her I thought three was a good round number. I was sure the odds had to be in our favor that the third would be a girl. Like I said though, I was away a lot and Carolanne had
her hands full with the two boys," Bill licked his lips. "And Kara's more like having another son most of the time, so…" his joked trialed off.
As Laura listened to Bill speak she was amazed to feel herself falling for him even more. She didn't think it was possible, but hearing the things that he was sharing with her just made her heart swell even though part of it was irreparably breaking. It was what she'd wanted, what she'd asked him for. Just talking openly about it and all the nice things that could never be just made her feel better somehow. At least for the moment they weren't hiding anything, they weren't denying anything and they weren't pretending as if nothing was there. He had understood that it was what she wanted and needed. No matter how harshly she judged herself or how much she hated herself for it she knew that he didn't.
"You know," Bill told her, looking deeply into her eyes. "You look beautiful like this."
"Like what?" she asked with a confused expression.
"Like this," he repeated. "Something about it…that glow they talk about…it's real." he told her in an unwavering voice.
He saw her eyes start to well up again. With a deep breath he patted her legs and lifted himself off of the couch.
"C'mon, Laura," prompted, extending his hand.
She took it and he helped her up and enveloped her into a protective embrace. She breathed his scent deep into her lungs and held it, wishing that she could keep it there, wishing she could keep some part of him inside her even though she knew that she couldn't.
She quivered in his arms as she exhaled.
After a moment Bill took her by the hand and led them both toward his rack. As they stood in front of the bed he moved to unbutton her blouse.
"Bill, I don't know if I'm..." she started, but he interrupted her with a soft hush.
"Shhh, Laura just relax," he whispered, soothing her as he continued half way down her blouse leaving it just partially open. He moved his hands around to her hips slowly caressing all the way to her backside where he unzipped her skirt. With a soft tug it fell to her feet and he helped her step out of it.
"Lay down," he told her, though it came off as more of an invitation than a demand.
Bill lifted his blankets and guided Laura underneath them. She was all at once nervous and comforted to be in his bed. While she settled in Bill removed his tanks and slacks, leaving his boxers and then sat down beside her on the rack taking in her image. She looked up at him tentatively. He leaned over her and kissed her to soothe her apprehensions. Her breath became shaky when his kisses began to trail downward. He kissed her on the neck and then along her collar bone. Taking the blankets down with him as he traveled, he kissed gently at the swell of her too tender breasts and then at her ribs. When he got to her middle he could feel her tense up but even so, he began to trail little kisses low on her tummy. As he began to caress his fingers over where his lips had just been he looked up to her. She said nothing but blinked out a few tears.
"I just want you to know, Laura, that you have never been more beautiful to me than you are at this moment," he told her. "And everything will be alright."
She couldn't speak. She could only cry silent tears. Bill climbed in beside her, pulling the blankets back up to cover them both. He lay on his side behind her encouraging Laura to roll over so that that he could spoon her body with his. They lay there for a moment quietly. Bill tried to calm her breathing by matching it to his own but he soon gave up and allowed her to grieve in his arms. With his face nuzzled close to hers he placed light kisses behind her ear.
"Thank you for sharing this with me, Laura," he whispered.
He draped his arm over hers and took her hand in his. Slowly he guided her hand, placing it on her belly leaving his own hand on top. He heard her let out a soft whimper.
"It's going to be okay, Laura," he softly promised in her ear as he felt his own eyes start to well up. "No matter what happens it's going to be okay."
They lay there like that through the night. Sometimes they were in tears, other times there were just silent caresses and every so often they expressed little notions.
"What would her name be?" Bill asked at one point.
"I had a little girl in my class once. Her name was Theia. I always liked that. Goddess of the shining light in the clear blue sky. It sounds hopeful and bright," she said softly with her eyes closed and smiling to herself.
"It does," Bill had agreed. "My grandmother was Isabelle. I always sort of liked that for a girl. Means devoted to the Gods."
"I like that too," Laura replied.
Bill let out a low chuckle at one point.
"Her viper call sign would be Kid-Sis," he added.
Laura had to smile at the thought.
"I'd hope for your blue eyes," she told him at another time during the night.
"I'd hope for your red hair," he'd responded.
They continued on like that for hours, Bill's hand never leaving her tummy, taking in what they could until they both lost the fight to stay awake. They didn't set an alarm for her so that she could make it to visitors quarters before morning. Bill didn't care. This time he wouldn't let go of her until he had to.