Past—After Hosu
Hawks woke up a few hours later not feeling much better and would have gone back to sleep if he hadn't heard footsteps nearby. That woke him up, adrenaline shooting through his body. He was too vulnerable, had shown too much weakness. He opened his eyes and had to remind himself over and over that he wasn't at the Commission, that UA was different. Hawks still didn't fully understand why, but he knew they were. That didn't stop his body from tensing in preparation for punishment or his anxiety at being in an infirmary sky rocketing, but it helped.
Upon seeing him awake, Recovery Girl checked him over again and told him that they had finally managed to reach his "parents" and that they had collaborated his story, even agreeing to letting him stay the night at Midoriya's house since they were supposedly out of town.
Apparently, Midoriya had visited the infirmary during the school's lunch break and offered to let Hawks stay the night so he wouldn't have to be alone, much to Hawks's surprise. He hadn't thought the idea of him being alone would be a big deal. And he certainty hadn't expected that Midoriya or anyone else would go to the trouble of offering to take care of Hawks while he was sick. No one had before, after all, so why should they now?
It was baffling, but he supposed that UA had some kind of rule dictating this sort of thing. That was the only thing that made sense.
What would they do, Hawks wondered idly. If they knew I'm always alone at the house?
It had been decided when Hawks had been assigned to spy on All Might and UA that he would stay at an apartment during weeknights, just in case anyone from the school ever followed him home or visited. Weekends he went back to the Commission for debriefing, reeducation, and intensive training sessions to make up for what he was missing while at UA.
Hawks knew that the Commission viewed UA as inferior and regarded the school as a bad influence which was overly lax in their training methods. A complete waste of his time, one of his handlers, before pushing Hawks to his very breaking point. If not for his mission, he wouldn't have been allowed within fifty miles of the place. They were worried he'd be corrupted by UA and were watching him closely, constantly searching for any sign of negative influence, any sign of rebellion or laziness. They were pushing Hawks harder as a result, but he couldn't complain, literally or figuratively. He was allowed to leave the confines of the Commission's training facility for the first time since he was six and had been given an actual room, with furniture and a real bed instead of a cramped, rock solid cot. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd slept in an actual bed or had privacy. He'd checked the apartment and there had been no cameras or microphones installed, which still shocked him to his core. For the first time since he was a child, his every move wasn't being monitored and scrutinized constantly. It felt almost like freedom.
At least until the Commission had given him the tracking anklet. The message had been obvious—he wasn't free. He just had a longer leash.
"They said I could stay with Midoriya?" Hawks repeated, too tired to keep the shock off his face. Aizawa and Recovery Girl both tensed, causing Hawks to backpedal desperately. "T-they usually don't like me spending the night anywhere. They're pretty protective."
That answer seemed to satisfy them, because they both relaxed minutely.
"They said it was fine this time, since both Aizawa and All Might vouched for the Midoriya family," Recovery Girl answered.
Oh. That's why they're letting me stay there. They want to know how All Might knew them well enough to vouch for them, Hawks realized. Not good. He was trying to keep Midoriya out of his reports as much as possible. After USJ, he had promised All Might that he would keep his secret and Hawks intended to keep his word, no matter what. That meant shielding Midoriya from the Commission. Hawks had worried that the Sports Festival would draw their attention to him, but they hadn't been interested in a kid whose quirk was so out of control it broke his body and mercifully hadn't noticed the similarities between the two of them.
Hawks wasn't dumb. He knew there was a connection between Midoriya and All Might. He'd been given dossiers before school started and knew that Midoriya's quirk had only recently been registered, which was almost unheard of. He knew they'd met before school started and that All Might was mentoring Midoriya and trying and failing to keep it a secret. Add to that a few odd comments here and there, plus an overheard conversation between Midoriya and Bakugo about "borrowed power" and it was fairly obvious from there, if highly improbable. Midoriya had gotten his quirk from All Might. Passing on a quirk should have been impossible, as possible as a quirkless boy developing one at fifteen, but they lived in a world where people breathed fire and grew wings. Very few things were truly impossible, at least in Hawks's experience, including the possibility of a quirk that could be passed on to someone else. Such a quirk existed, and it was being passed on to Midoriya, something that the Commission could never, ever find out.
I can work this to my advantage, Hawks thought. All he had to do was downplay Midoriya's relationship with All Might and spin it in a way that would redirect their attention elsewhere. He ran a hand through his hair, missing half of what Recovery Girl was saying as he tried to mentally run through all of the information he had already given the Commission and what he could still give them without causing any damage.
How much longer would it be before the Commission caught him on a lie? How much longer could he keep his masks up? He knew they were cracking. The obedient soldier for the Commission. The carefree first year student for UA. No matter how this played out, Hawks couldn't see how this could end well for him.
"Are you listening?" Recovery Girl asked, tapping his leg with her cane.
"Sorry," Hawks said, too tired to paste on a smile. "Guess I'm still more drained than I realized."
Aizawa shifted slightly in his chair.
"You've had a rough couple of months. Between USJ and Hosu, it wouldn't be unusual to be feeling scared or overwhelmed. Have you been experiencing any heightened anxiety?" Recovery Girl asked.
My anxiety over the attacks are just a drop in a literal ocean of anxiety, Hawks thought, a little hysterically. He forced his face into a tired smile. "No more than usual. I just wasn't able to sleep very well last night." Or at all.
"Midoriya should be getting out of class now," Aizawa said, standing up. "Present Mic is going to drive us."
Wait, Aizawa was going with them? "That's really not-"
Aizawa gave him a glare. "We are going to help you and you are going to accept it. Understood?"
"Y-yeah," Hawks said weakly. It seemed he didn't have much of a choice.
Once Recovery Girl had taken out the IV and given him medicine to help his stomach that he didn't actually need, he followed Aizawa out to the front gate. Hawks tried to gauge his teacher's mood, but as always, the man was patently hard to read. Even so, it was easy to guess that the man was irritated by having to go to so much trouble for one of his students.
"I'm sorry to trouble you, sensei," Hawks said, wishing the sleep he'd managed to get had helped rebalance him. It hadn't, and he was starting to feel worse than before.
He thought back to the conversation he'd overheard between Aizawa and All Might and couldn't help feeling guilty, which was ridiculous. He hadn't told the Commission anything. In fact, he was actively risking his life by withholding what he knew.
Hawks wondered for a moment what they'd do if he told them everything, then mentally shook himself. They'd do nothing, because there was nothing that could be done. He'd be expelled. They'd never trust him or want to see him again. They'd hate him. The last one was worse somehow, made his stomach twist and his breath catch in his throat.
Get it together.
With a start, he realized that Aizawa was staring at him.
"Is Present Mic going to be dropping you off at home?" Hawks asked, desperate to draw the teacher's attention away from himself.
"No. We have a meeting in a few hours," Aizawa said. "Midoriya's apartment isn't too far out of the way, so it's not a bother to drop you off there."
"Oh," Hawks said, staring at his teacher curiously. "I didn't realize you two were friends. Based on your personalities…"
"It shouldn't be too surprising. You are completely different from your friends, especially Midoriya and Tokoyami, yet you get along fine," Aizawa said with a shrug.
Friends. Hawks forced a smile on his face, wishing it was true. "I suppose so."
Midoriya and Present Mic were waiting for them at the gate. The minute Midoriya spotted them, he ran over at once, eyes wide with concern. In addition to his own backpack, he had Hawks's as well.
"How are you feeling?" He asked, looking genuinely concerned. "You look better than before."
"I'm feeling much better," Hawks said, which was a total lie. "Sorry to make you wait. Are you sure it's okay for me to spend the night at your place? I don't want to cause any trouble-"
"It's no trouble! I asked my mom and she's very happy to have you over," Midoriya said, smile bright and earnest. "She—she's pretty excited to finally meet you and said it's no trouble at all."
"She's been wanting to meet me?" Hawks asked, confused.
"Er, yeah. I-I never had a lot of friends before, so when I told her about you and Iida and Uraraka, and even Todoroki now, she was really happy and has been wanting to meet you," Midoriya said with a slightly embarrassed chuckle.
Hawks stared at him, ensure of what to say. Thankfully, Aizawa ushered them into Present Mic's car without much preamble and soon they were on their way. The conversation on the way there was mostly dominated by Midoriya and Present Mic, who was happily sharing information about his quirk with Midoriya. Present Mic even threw in a few amusing stories about Aizawa, but was prevented from telling them anything too embarrassing by the death glare he was getting from the front passenger seat.
The drive didn't take long, but Hawks still managed to fall asleep before they got there, much to his chagrin. He was normally a light sleeper and had always had trouble falling asleep if other people were nearby, but strangely, their company only served to put him at ease, and it hadn't taken him long to drift off. He tried not to think too much about why that was.
He woke up with his head pillowed on Midoriya's shoulder. "Sorry." He mumbled, sitting up straight and rubbing his eyes.
"It's fine," Midoriya said, saying his goodbyes before stepping out of the car.
Hawks thanked them for the ride and got out of the car, but found himself staring at Aizawa through the car window.
The man was so strange, so hard to read. Hawks had been convinced he'd be irritated about having to go out of his way to help Hawks, but the man had been not just patient, but kind. He was good, in a way that heroes were supposed to be, but Hawks's had never believed was real. Like All Might. Like Midoriya, Uraraka, and the others.
What would you do, Hawks thought slowly, mind buzzing with anxiety, with a flood of desperation he didn't dare think about or put into words. If I told you the truth?
"What is it?" Aizawa asked, rolling down the window.
A thousand different questions rolled around Hawks's head, but in the end, he just shook his head and apologized again for troubling them before turning to follow Midoriya.
Soon enough, they were stepping into the tiny apartment that housed the Midoriya family. Hawks paused at the threshold, allowing himself to be truthful, just for once.
He'd try to help, Hawks admitted to himself, the knowledge settling in his mind like an anchor hitting the ocean floor. And they'd kill him.
Hawks stepped into the threshold and didn't think about asking for help again.
Present—UA
The world came back to Hawks in bits and pieces. Somewhere in the background, he could hear Midoriya and All Might talking softly to each other and he relaxed. If they were here, it meant that he was at UA, in the infirmary. Exhaustion dragged him down and he started to drift back to sleep, but something in the back of his mind was nagging at him. He tried to remember what had happened to land him in the infirmary, but his memories were disjointed and confusing. What had happened? Did he have a concussion?
Memories flashed in his head, but it was as if someone had taken a roll of film and burned a bunch of holes in it. Nothing made sense. The last time he had been in the infirmary had been…
Hawks's eyes opened and he sat up with a gasp, heart pounding in his chest. "The attack…"
Was everyone okay? What had happened to the Nomu? Was Aizawa okay?
Wait… that happened months ago, right? So why am I here?
"Hawks!" Midoriya cried, jumping up and knocking over the chair he'd been sitting on. "I'm going to get Recovery Girl."
Watching in confusion as Midoriya ran out the infirmary door, Hawks brought a trembling hand to his head and struggled to get his bearings. The feeling that he was forgetting something kept nagging at the back of his mind, but he was too confused, and his head hurt. A lot. Hadn't he needed to tell someone something?
"Young Hawks," All Might said, suddenly in front of him and reaching out and guiding Hawks's hand away from his head. "You don't have any reason to worry. You're safe here. Why don't you lay back down? I'm sure your head is still hurting."
It was. Hawks let All Might gently shove him back onto the bed, thoughts growing more and more fragmented. "I need to tell someone…" he mumbled.
"You can tell us later," All Might said, running a hand through Hawks's hair. "Just rest now."
That wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to be resting. He was supposed to be answering the questions. They kept asking the same question, over and over again, but he couldn't tell them. Even when they'd started hurting him, he still hadn't answered. Right? They had gotten more and more angry, but they hadn't realized that he wasn't telling the truth. All his answers had been carefully formulated ahead of time and he had tried to throw in half-truths as much as possible or phrase his answers in such a way that he side stepped the question altogether. It wouldn't have worked if they had known the right questions to ask, but they had been too focused on All Might's true form to get to the really dangerous questions. Plus, he was a really good liar. They had trained him, after all.
Hawks grasped All Might's hand and lifted his head off the pillow, suddenly desperate to tell him… what had it been? Right! "I—I didn't tell them."
Gently pressing him back down onto the bed, All Might shushed him and glanced at the infirmary door. "I'm sure you didn't, my boy. No reason to be alarmed. I promise, you're safe here. It's okay to rest. Recovery Girl will be back any moment-"
"No—I…you have to know," Hawks gripped All Might's hand tighter. "I d-didn't tell them. About your true form. They—they couldn't make me."
All Might turned to him, blue eyes widening. "They—of course. It's okay, my boy. Even if you had told them, the whole world knows now. It's alright."
He shook his head violently, but the movement hurt a lot, so he stopped. He had to make All Might understand. "I didn't tell them. Not about your true form. And not about your power. They—I think they broke my hand?" Hawks lifted his head and stared at his hands, but both were wrapped in bandages. Was he misremembering? They'd broken his hands more than once. Or at least, he was pretty sure they had. He couldn't quite remember, so it was more of an impression than anything. "But I didn't tell them. Had to keep you and Midoriya safe, so I didn't tell them."
Tears filled All Might's eyes at the same moment that understanding crossed his face. "What?" He whispered, aghast.
Hawks sighed and let his head flop back onto the bed. He'd told him. That had been what he needed to say, right?
Wait. All Might wasn't supposed to know that he knew either. "Oops."
"They broke your hand because you wouldn't tell them?" All Might said faintly.
"They hit me a lot, too," Hawks confessed, then frowned. He was talking too much. All his secrets were spilling out like overripe fruit falling to the ground. He was lacking his usual self-filter. "But they healed me a couple of times. Could've healed my hand too… Or was that a different time?"
The infirmary door opened, and Recovery Girl walked in, Midoriya and Aizawa trailing behind her. "He's awake again, is he?"
"I-I need some air," All Might said, letting go of Hawks hand and stumbling away from his bed.
"All Might!" Midoriya glanced between Hawks and his mentor, looking conflicted, until Aizawa motioned for him to follow the latter with a lazy wave of his hand. "I'll be back later, Hawks. I'm glad you're awake!"
Recovery Girl checked Hawks vitals, then gently tapped Hawks' face. When had his eyes closed?
"Do you know who that was?" She asked.
"Midoriya," Hawks said, reaching up to rub his eyes.
"Not that hand," Aizawa said quietly, grasping the wrist of his hands and tugging it back down onto the bed.
Maybe that was the broken one. His body was so numb from the painkillers it was impossible to tell.
"Good," Recovery Girl said, sounding strangely relieved. "Do you know who I am?"
"Recovery Girl," Hawks blinked heavily, on the verge of falling back asleep. "Why am I here?"
"You're here to rest and recover from your ordeal," Recovery Girl said. "You're more coherent than last time, I see. The pain killers and your body's natural response to trauma are hitting your system hard."
"What ordeal?" Hawks asked, confused. "USJ?"
Aizawa and Recovery Girl exchanged glances.
"No need to worry about that now," Recovery Girl said gently. "Do you remember your name?"
"Hawks," He said, rubbing his forehead with his other hand. He couldn't get it to stop shaking.
"No, your real name," Aizawa said. "Is it Yukimura?"
Someone else entered the room, but Hawks's vision was blurring too much to make out who it was. "That's my fake name. For spying." Was he not supposed to say that? His mind stuttered for a moment, but he was too tired to care.
"What's your real name, then?"
What had it been? He hadn't heard anyone say his real name since he'd left with the Commission. He tried to remember his name, but his mind blanked out. A slow, steadily rising terror hit him, and he gasped as a few half-broken memories flashed before his eyes. He had the sudden realization that the terror had always been present, lurking just beneath the surface of his scattered thoughts. The heavy blanket of exhaustion pressing him down had hidden it, but it was there, weeks of worry and stress twisting it into a gnarled, paralyzing mess. He just couldn't remember why he was afraid.
Through the rushing sound in his head he could faintly make out the heart monitor beeping a little faster.
"Uh… I think… I'm not allowed to say. They kept trying take it." He mumbled, trying to sort through his jumbled feelings.
Recovery Girl sighed heavily. She sounded so sad. "Don't worry about that now. Go back to sleep."
Ignoring her, Hawks pressed his head a little harder and tried to focus through the fog that was rapidly stealing away his coherency. They'd tried to take his name from him over and over, but they'd failed every time. No matter how many times they'd tried to strip him of who he was, he'd fought it. He'd kept his name; he'd kept who he was.
So, why couldn't he remember it now? He knew it. The answer was on the tip of his tongue.
Just as sleep was about to claim him, a memory hit him. It was blurred and faded, but not like the other damaged memories. Don't think about that now, you'll lose it if you think about it now. It had happened when he was a child, before the Commission had taken him. His mother's voice drifted into his ears, singing softly as she rocked him back and forth. Her face was gone from his memory. So much was gone. But he could still remember her voice as she said his name.
"K-Keigo," He breathed, tears filling his eyes. They hadn't taken it. "Takami Keigo."
As Hawks's drifted off to sleep, he thought he heard Aizawa's voice as a hand gently stroked his hair. "It's nice to finally meet you, Keigo."
Past- After Hosu.
Midoriya Inko was unlike anyone Hawks had ever met before. She took one look at him before ushering him to the couch and spending the next fifteen minutes fussing over him and generally smothering him with kindness.
Inko, as she insisted on being called, was as kindhearted and earnest as her son. She fluffed the pillows on the couch for him, covered him in blankets, and grilled him on what kind of food he liked. She gave him medicine for his fever and started to cook dinner, acting for the world as if having a sick stranger in the house wasn't an inconvenience in the slightest. She'd been so excited to meet him, she told Hawks confidingly. Izuku had never brought home a friend before. Inko kept talking to him and asking him questions with such fondness in her eyes that Hawks's had to stamp down on the urge to point out that her son was on the other side of the room digging out his movie collection, not sitting huddled under a pile of blankets on the couch.
He had never felt so confused before in his life.
Since it was his first time ever visiting a friend's house—classmate that is, he was a fake and a spy and didn't deserve a friend like Midoriya—he wasn't sure if such behavior was normal or if Inko was just odd. Having nothing to compare her behavior to left Hawks off kilter and stressed. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to act or respond, so he tried to keep quiet and not stare at Inko as if she was some strange, magical creature made out of sunshine and kindness.
His exhaustion also wasn't helping any. He tried to blame his confusion and the strange warmth inside every time Inko did something for him on the fog that was doing its best to smother his coherency, but he knew that wasn't all of it.
"Do you have a favorite Disney movie?" Midoriya was asking him, holding up two different movies that Hawks had never seen before. "Or I have the entire studio Ghibli collection. Not that it needs to be an animated movie! I like watching them when I'm sick, but if you don't like them-"
"I've never seen them," Hawks cut in, knowing that Midoriya would ramble on in an anxiety tinged tizzy if allowed. "Why don't you put in your favorite? I pretty much guarantee I haven't seen it."
Midoriya's mouth dropped into an 'o' that reminded Hawks of one of the cat memes Kaminari had shown him a few weeks ago. "You've never seen a Disney movie? Or a studio Ghibli?"
"No?" Hawks grimaced, wondering if this was the moment that someone finally discovered he'd lived locked in a cage his whole life. "Are they popular?"
Midoriya just stared at him as if he'd grown a second head.
"Oh dear," Inko said with a laugh. "I think you broke him."
"How have you never—don't worry. We're going to fix this," Midoriya said, eyes gleaming with excitement. "Your life is about to be changed forever."
Inko's laughter drafting in from the kitchen did nothing to reassure Hawks that he wasn't about to be initiated into some type of cult, but the movie that Midoriya was putting in first did sound interesting, and the titular character, Totoro did look vaguely familiar.
The movie ended up being great and afterwards they ate dinner, a delicious chicken soup Inko had prepared from scratch. It was all so domestic. Hawks listened to Midoriya telling Inko about what they'd done that day in class and did his best not to stare at Inko.
They put in another movie after dinner, but it quickly became apparent that Hawks wasn't going to make it through the whole thing.
"Why don't you take a shower to freshen up while Izuku and I set up the futon for you?" Inko suggested, checking Hawks's temperature. Her hand felt cool and strangely soothing against his sweaty forehead. "Since you and Izuku are so close in height, you can borrow one of his clothes."
"That isn't necessary," Hawks said quickly. "I wouldn't be able to wear any of his shirts because of my wings and I'd hate to ruin-"
"Let me worry about that," Inko said with a smile. "Izuku, why don't you show him where the bathroom is?"
"This way," Midoriya motioned for him to follow and led the way down a cramped hallway. "This door is to my bedroom and this the bathroom."
Peering in, Hawks took in the tiny bathroom and the even smaller shower and grimaced. Maneuvering around in the bathroom would be next to impossible with his wings with his full plumage. The whole apartment was like a minefield; to a normal person without giant wings, the apartment was probably spacious, but to Hawks it took every ounce of spatial awareness and control he had not to constantly bump into something or knock something over. He'd been resisting detaching some of his feathers to decrease his wingspan all night, but now there was nothing for it.
Midoriya seemed to realize the same thing. "Now that I think about it, Mom's bathroom and shower is bigger, so you won't be as cramped."
"This is fine," Hawks said, accepting a towel Midoriya pulled out from a small linen closet. "I can just detach my feathers for now-"
"But you don't like to do it, right?" Midoriya stared at him with a quiet steadfastness that took Hawks by surprise. "You're always way more stressed out when your feathers are regrowing or detached without being used."
Sputtering for a moment, Hawks tried to come up with a denial but stopped when Midoriya gave him a knowing stare. "You are way more observant that you look," He finally said, giving up before confessing nervously, "I guess I just don't feel as safe without them."
Midoriya nodded as if that was a perfectly reasonable response. "You can use whichever makes you feel most comfortable. But I promise Mom won't mind."
He hesitated just a moment longer. He really didn't like detaching his feathers if he didn't have to. "You sure she won't mind?"
Beaming at him in response, Midoriya poked his head back into the living room to tell his Inko that Hawks was going to use the bathroom in her room before leading him down to the door at the very end of the hallway. Inko's room was as clean and tidy as Hawks had expected, with a rather absurd amount of pictures of Midoriya lining the walls. Hawks held back a chuckle at a picture of a two-year-old Midoriya fast asleep with an All Might plushie clutched in his arms, trying to imagine what the number one hero's reaction would be to it.
Inko's bathroom wasn't that much bigger than the other one, but it would be much more doable for Hawks to maneuver around in. Midoriya left him with an unopened bar of soap and shampoo and conditioner, promising to leave fresh clothes for him outside of the door when he was done.
Once the door closed behind him, Hawks sagged, gripping the bathroom counter for support. Maintaining his tenuous grasp on his mask was mentally draining, drawing on already depleted reserves. The evening should have been pleasant, and mostly it was, but at the same time Hawks couldn't help but feel… he wasn't even sure. Bitter? Jealous? Those emotions were too negative for what he was feeling, but either could have applied.
As he showered, he silently stewed over it for a while before it dawned on him. It was so obvious. He was catching a glimpse of something he'd never experienced himself before—a healthy, loving family. There was a bit of jealousy, yes, but it was overwhelmed by the complex mix of longing and soul crushing loneliness that squeezed Hawks chest and made him want to disappear, or worse, cry.
Everything hit him hard, all at once.
"I can't do this anymore," Hawks whispered, wings curling around himself protectively.
When the Commission had given him the assignment, he'd been so sure he could handle it. He'd been excited to stretch his wings, so to speak, and get to experience life on the outside. But there had been a disconnect between him and the regular world, as if he was separated from it by a pane of class. He could look, but he would never be able to touch. It couldn't affect him. He'd been so sure that being at UA wouldn't affect him. Except that it had—they had.
All night, in the back of his mind, Hawks had been refusing to say Midoriya's name, because he knew that if he did, the teen would probably tell him to use his first name instead. And that terrified him. When had he become such good friends with someone that he was almost on a first name basis? When had he allowed himself to get caught up in the growing friendship between Midoriya, Uraraka, Iida, and Todoroki? He'd risked everything to go to Hosu and help. When had All Might become some he looked up to and admired, someone to protect, instead of his mission? He was keeping secrets that could cost his life for them. If that wasn't the mark of friendship, then he didn't understand it at all. How could he have let it get to this point?
He dimly realized that he was hyperventilating, but he was too caught up in his revelation to care. Everything was all so clear, now. He was so stupid! He'd been lying to himself just like he'd lied to everyone else. They weren't just classmates; they were his friends. He cared about them. He loved being at UA, more than he'd loved anything else except for flying, but he was going to lose it, just like everything else.
The Commission was going to force him to leave and keep him from seeing them ever again and it was going to happen soon. They'd already warned him multiple times. If he wasn't able to find useful information, then there was no point in keeping him there. He would be forced to leave everything behind and go back to the way things had been before.
Whatever mental barrier he'd erected to keep himself to hide his real feelings shattered into thousands of pieces. Broken not from a single moment of realization, but hundreds of tiny cracks that had started to form the moment he'd entered UA. The kindness he'd received, the friendships he'd formed, the care and compassion that had been shown to him with such brutal casualness… they had chipped away at his armor one piece at a time, until all he was left with was his own brokenness.
The Commission said that everything they did was for his own good, every cruelty and abuse a step toward becoming a great hero. He'd believed them. Hawks hadn't known better. How could he? No one had ever cared about him before. Even if they hurt him, at least it was because they cared about his future. Anything could be justified, as long as he had believed they cared even one iota about him.
But now, in the face of love—real love and kindness, he could see the Commission's actions for what they truly were; abuse and torture. He wasn't sure how he could ever have been so blind to it. Perhaps his mind had shielded him from the truth to protect his sanity.
Hawks wiped the tears from his face and shut the water off, wishing his brain hadn't decided to dump the truth on him while he was already at his most vulnerable emotionally and mentally. Or maybe that's why it had hit him now— he was too exhausted to lie to himself anymore.
It was all so useless. He still had to go back. The Commission wouldn't let him escape and if he tried to tell someone, he knew that all it would bring about was ruin and death. He couldn't do that to them. He couldn't. Knowing the truth now only made things harder for himself and twice as painful.
As he toweled himself off, he allowed himself to realize two more things. The first was that leaving was going to break him. It was a truth so simple and yet so certain that he could feel himself cracking at the mere thought. Second, and perhaps worst of all, was the quiet, indisputable realization that he didn't want to go back.
Thank you Sesshomarusama3 and Guest for leaving comments on the last chapter and for everyone else who has read this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Let me know what you think :)