A/N: Welcome back! Everybody was looking forward to the study lesson, well...here it is! It's a little unconventional, but when is our favorite couple conventional?

Enjoy!

Chapter 20

"Okay, the way you're describing it is not the way the books explain it," Derek says, frowning at Meredith.

Meredith grins as she puts down her special study cards, proudly showing off her studying skills. This is their third study session, but it's the first one that came on a day off for her. She guesses as soon as her mother figured out she was helping Derek study, she synchronized their days off, and she's not complaining.

She arrived to Derek's house around eight in the morning, said hi to David who was out of the door with Carolyn in a flash, and then they started revising Neuro. Now it's the middle of the afternoon and she's looking forward to dinner more than anything. Since lunch was a quick sandwich and Derek promised to cook, she's more than hungry.

"It's not the same as what the books say but what it actually means. That's why my study cards work."

Derek groans, looking adorable as he runs his hand through his unkempt hair. He's still in his pajama pants and t-shirt, his stubble growing more than usual, clearly clueless about the effect that unruly look has on her.

Meredith has wanted to jump Derek from the moment she stepped foot in his house. She's exercising her self-control in a way she wasn't sure she was able to.

"Why don't they say this, instead?"

"Because doctors are supposed to be smart? The intern exam is one of the last times to pick out the good ones. They want it to work."

"God, my head is exploding." Derek groans, running his hands over his face. "I need a break."

"You can start cooking if you want," she says, grinning mischievously.

"Well, the deal was that I should teach you how to cook." It's his turn to smirk, now.

"Oh, boy, this is going to be a disaster."

Derek laughs and she joins him, their bodies relaxing on the couch for a beat. She's been loving how easily they can spend time together without feeling awkward. It never happened to her when in the company of men, and surely not since Finn.

"Okay, what about something easy?"

"Boiling water is tricky for me, Derek."

He snickers. "You can't use a boiler, then?"

Meredith laughs at his smugness, leaning closer to him. She needs to feel his warmth, even though she has no idea why.

"Are you sure you have something simple enough for me to learn?"

"All kinds of pasta are easy to make, Mere."

She feels a shiver at the smile he gives her. "Fine," she says, huffing in mock annoyance.

"Okay, so I have zucchini and shrimp, this is what we'll make."

He stands up with a purpose, opening cabinets and taking out stuff, then the fridge, taking out more stuff. For Meredith, it all seems like a lot of ingredients.

"Let's start by boiling the water, okay?"

He directs her to the right cabinet to pick out a pot, then switches on the stove as they cover the pot and wait for the water to boil.

"You know how to wash the zucchini, right?" he asks, more teasing in his tone.

She rolls her eyes, stealing the zucchini from him, then opening the faucet in the sink. She accidentally sprays him with water, and he laughs loudly.

"You're messy," he says, laughing again. "Okay. Cut off the ends now, then cut them into cubes."

Meredith cuts off the ends of the first zucchini, then watches as Derek slices it in the middle, then again into smaller sticks, before he produces perfect cubes. He hands her the huge chef's knife, and even though she wields scalpels on a daily basis, she feels unsure about handling this kind of blade.

His gentle voice guides her through the process, and she lets him. She finds his tone really soothing and warm, so much that he could read her the Yellow Pages and she'd be happy anyway.

As soon as the zucchini are all cut up, they proceed with the shrimp, checking if they are defrosted enough. He told her they could do it with fresh ones, but he usually keeps the frozen ones handy at all times.

Derek lets her pour oil in a pan, throwing in a garlic clove. He tells her to wait until the garlic is golden before putting in the zucchini, but she has no idea what he means. He laughs in abandon, but tells her the right time to throw in the vegetables.

One minute later, when the zucchini is sizzling, they throw in the shrimp.

"Now stir. Often, but not too often."

Meredith executes, marveling at how vague the directions are. "How can you do it?"

"Stirring?" he asks, a smile on his face.

"Cooking. I mean, surgery is all about precision and schedules and perfection, this is...not. You just know the steps and throw in random stuff."

"David." His smile blossoms at the mere mention of his son, and she feels a twinge in her heart. "He taught me how to be less uptight and let loose. I already enjoyed cooking, but after having David it gave me time to think and relax. That's why I applied for the job at the restaurant."

"So, how do you know how to get this right, if it's all vague?" She stirs the shrimp, looking up to meet his twinkling eyes afterward.

"You practice and practice and practice. Just like surgery."

"How many times have you cooked this?"

"At least every other day for four years."

Meredith giggles, stirring again, noticing that the water is boiling. Derek throws in a handful of sea salt, letting it settle again before he pours the linguine.

"This also goes with spaghetti or tagliatelle, but this is the easiest."

"Okay?" She giggles, and he laughs as well, instructing to stir the pasta, now.

They lower the flame under the sauce, throwing in some heavy cream. The smell is delicious.

"This is the fun part," Derek says, grinning. "When you do this at home, just stir it again with the wooden spoon, leave this for the experts."

He grins smugly as he drains the pasta, then pours it into the pan with the sauce. He switches the flame to medium-high, then starts flipping the pasta in the pan. Meredith is mesmerized and also a little freaked by the fact that not one string of linguine is out of the pan by the time he's satisfied with the results.

"Yep, I'm not doing that anytime soon."

Derek laughs, dividing the portions and putting them on two plates, then they sit down at the island. He gets two glasses of white wine and pours some for her. When he puts the [glass] down in front of her, his hand lingers on her shoulder, squeezing it gently. She almost expected a kiss on top of her head, but it never comes.

When she tastes the pasta, Meredith can't believe she actually made it with him.

"Good job, Mere," he says, warming her heart. "I'll hire you as my sous chef next time I'm cooking for more than six people."

Meredith laughs, his eyes dancing in the light of the kitchen. He reaches for her hand, squeezing it, and she closes her eyes to savor it.

"Thank you for helping me with the study cards. I really needed it."

She smiles, squeezing his hand back. "Thank you for teaching me how to cook."

"There's a lot you still have to learn, so...anytime."

His smile is so beautiful she can't help it. She leans in and kisses his lips.

For a second, Derek is taken aback, then he kisses her back with everything he has. She knows she's not supposed to kiss him, that he's better off without her, but she can't help herself. The man has a charm she can't resist. And he's very eager to kiss her, too.

When they both pull away, they're glad dinner is over, because there's nothing else they want to do but kiss some more.

Derek stands up and leans down to capture her lips again, enveloping her in his arms, their whole bodies involved in the kiss. Meredith tangles her hands in his hair, getting lost in him. He smells good and his pajamas are so soft, compared to how firm and solid the rest of his body feels. Derek grounds her in the moment, and time falls away.

They both need to catch their breaths when they pull away, their eyes sparkling, their cheeks rosy. Derek lets out a little chuckle, his gaze slightly unfocused.

"Wanna move this somewhere else?" His voice is husky, but still doubtful. It almost makes Meredith want to laugh. Of course she wants to move this somewhere else, unless he's okay with christening his precious kitchen.

That wouldn't be so bad, after all…

Before she can suggest anything though, the door slams open, and David comes in, stomping his feet, a frown on his face, as Carolyn follows behind, a very apologetic look on her face.

Derek's face morphs from dazed to alert in the span of a few seconds.

"Hey, David," he says, greeting the little boy. David only replies with a grunt.

"Grocery shopping was too much," Carolyn whispers only for Derek to hear, but apparently David has crazy good hearing, because he glares at his grandmother in a way that Meredith had no idea he could do at six.

"Hi, David. Did you have dinner already?"

"Hi, Meredith," he says, then he doesn't say much else. He disappears into the living room, and Meredith clearly hears him slumping on the couch.

"I'm sorry I brought him home, I was going to ask you if he could spend the night so you could keep studying, but I don't think it's a good idea now." Carolyn sighs in apology.

"I do need the break, Ma, don't worry." Derek's brilliant smile and twinkling eyes have disappeared, replaced by a veil of tiredness and sadness. She wants to take it all away. "I'm sorry he had a bad day."

"It wasn't a bad day, just...a little overwhelming in the end."

"Why is he so angry?"

"He was running to get me and hit a shelf. A few jars of jam fell and everybody was just crowding him, trying to check if he was okay or hurt or cut. His only problem was the fact that he was covered in slimy stuff." Derek sighs loudly after hearing his mother's story. "I gave him a change of clothes and I'll wash the rest, but you know how much he loves that shirt."

"Yeah, I know," Derek says, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It was all downhill from there."

"I'll take care of it," Derek says with finality, exhaling loudly. "You can go home if you want, not much studying will be done tonight," Derek tells Meredith then, a sad look on his face. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry, I'll help you clean up the dishes first, you go take care of David." Her voice is soft, and while part of her is disappointed they won't get to continue what the kissing started, mostly she's relieved Derek might know what to do to calm David. The little boy looks still so wired that getting him into bed will be impossible.

"Thank you," he murmurs, then he disappears.

"I can finish up in the kitchen," Carolyn says, looking weary.

"It's not a problem. It's the least I could do after he fed me." Meredith manages a small smile that loosens Carolyn's wrinkles. The woman in front of her suddenly looks so old.

"I'll be on my way home, then. Tell Derek I'll see him tomorrow."

"Okay. Goodnight, and I'm sorry David gave you a hard time."

"It was important for Derek to be here studying, the rest doesn't matter."

Meredith is fascinated by the older woman's selflessness and wonders if that's what being a mother is all about. Deep down in her heart, she knows that's true.

Meredith quietly starts cleaning up the pots and pans, trying to fit as much as possible in the dishwasher. Muffled, but high-pitched voices keep coming from the living room, until there's a louder shout, and Derek reappears. Now he looks weary, too.

She wipes up her hands on a dishcloth and reaches for him, hugging him tightly. Derek sags into her hold, his face slumping between her neck and shoulder. He doesn't feel as solid as he did less than an hour ago.

"I smell like cooking, apparently."

Meredith lets out a smile, realizing that he kinda does. "What does he need?"

"A burrito hug and lots of sleep. But until he's still so wired up, he'll never relax."

"Does he have any calming smells that might work?"

"No idea. I'm blanking out."

Meredith gives him a firm squeeze, before she releases him. "Can I try?"

"Go ahead," Derek says, sounding completely lost.

Meredith approaches the living room quietly, and her heart breaks at the sight of David curled up in fetal position, his chin over his knees, as he stares into the blank TV.

"Meri, can you make a burrito with me?" he whispers, as soon as his eyes meet hers.

Meredith gives him a soft smile, approaching him quietly. "Of course I can."

"Do you smell bad like Daddy?"

"I hope not. I should smell like dish soap, now."

"You usually smell like a flower, I like it." David's hold on himself loosens as Meredith sits down.

"It's lavender. I love lavender, too."

David sniffs the air around Meredith, and she smiles softly. She truly hopes she doesn't smell like sweat or anything that might make David feel uncomfortable.

Before she can ask anything, David is crawling towards her lap, his whole body deflating.

"Burrito?" she asks in confirmation, and he nods.

"Also with the blanket. I need it super tight," he says, reaching for the flannel blanket on the armrest next to her. Meredith wraps the little boy into the blanket, and he gives her the smallest of giggles. "No, silly, you have to be in the blanket burrito, too!"

Meredith smiles as well, laying the boy over her chest, before wrapping the both of them into the blanket. It's not cold enough for a blanket in here, but she doesn't care.

David sighs loudly as she tightens her arms around him under the blanket, and he rests his nose in the crook of her neck, right above her collarbone.

"Did you have a bad day today?" Meredith whispers, her tone trying to be as soothing as possible. David looks pretty wiped from the latest ordeal.

"It was good until we got to the store. I had jam all over me," he says, his tone grave and serious.

"I'm so sorry, David."

"I like jam, but it's so sticky."

"Yeah, that's true," she murmurs, and the boy snuggles against her.

"I'm glad Nana got me my pajamas. I like pajamas," David says, then he adds with a giggle: "Daddy is still in his pajamas, too." Meredith smiles as well.

"He was wearing pajamas all day."

"You were inside the house all day? Cause pajamas are for inside only and special 'casions. Like when I flew on a plane, I had pajamas on."

"Yep, we stayed in the house all day." Meredith pretends to be bummed about it.

"Daddy said you were coming over to help him study. Like a playdate, but with books."

"Something like that, yes."

"You know stuff he doesn't know?"

"Yes, I know surgery."

"But he's very smart. He knows a lot of things!"

"That he does."

"That means you're the smarterest!" David peeks out from the blanket to look into her eyes, awestruck.

"Your daddy knows things I don't know, he's very smart too."

"What things?"

"Like cooking. I'm terrible at cooking and he's very, very good at it. He was teaching me how to make dinner before you came."

"He cooks yummy things."

"Do you like the shrimp and zucchini pasta?"

"Mmm...If there's more zucchini." David giggles, and Meredith pulls him close. "What did you do with my daddy, then? Just reading lots?"

And kissing him senseless, Meredith wants to add, but it's not the appropriate response. "Yeah, lots of reading and quizzing. And then dinner."

"That's a boring playdate."

"Well, adults are boring most of the time," Meredith says, winking. David giggles, loosening his hold. Now he's simply resting on top of her, and Meredith is glad he's not too heavy to do this, yet.

There's a sense of accomplishment in being so close to him when not even Derek can, but also peace and tranquillity. It's a very odd feeling, that brings her to a time forever ago. Her breath hitches in her chest and she stops breathing for a second. Her arms tighten around David and he looks up at her with a million questions in his eyes.

"I gotta apologize to Nana when I see her again. I was a really bad boy. And Daddy too," he murmurs, lowering his gaze.

"That's a good idea," Meredith manages to croak, unable to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Meri, are you okay?"

"Of course, Davy."

"Cause you felt like a mommy before but now you're all tight around me."

"I felt like a m-mommy?" she stammers, unable to help herself.

"I dunno how a mommy feels like, but when I askeded Daddy what having a mommy feels like, he said that it feels very safe and warm, and that you always have someone to go to when you're hurt or scared. He said it's like having a daddy, but different. Mommies are softer."

"Oh." Meredith is breathless, and she tries not to burst into tears.

"Are you a mommy, Meredith? Cause you feel like a mommy."

"I'm not your mommy," she chokes out.

"I know that, silly!" David smiles. "I mean, somebody's mommy."

"I used to be, yes." The truth slips out of her, and makes David's eyes widen. They look so blue, and so much like Derek's.

"You never stop being a mommy, Meredith. Nana is still Daddy's mommy even now that he's all grown up. Where is your baby? Is he a grown-up too?"

"My baby died when he was very, very little," she whispers, her voice cracking.

"How little?"

"He was just a baby."

"How big?"

"Not big at all. Just a newborn."

"That's a real tiny baby. My auntie Lizzie had my baby cousin and she was very tiny. My hands are small but the baby has teeny tiny hands!"

"My baby had very tiny hands, too." Meredith sighs, and a tear slips down her cheek.

"Meri, you're still the baby's mommy, though. That doesn't change. My Pops is still my Pops even if he died, and Daddy still calls him his daddy. It doesn't change."

"You're right." Meredith swallows thickly.

"So this is why you feel like a mommy," David says, smiling, but then he becomes more serious again. "Do you think you can share some of your mommy with me, too?"

"Oh, David, of course," she murmurs, squeezing him even more tightly, closing her eyes as she buries her nose into his growing hair.

She pretends, for a few seconds, that this child is her child, and she wonders how amazing it would be to be holding him. To be able to kiss his cheeks and scold him when he does something wrong. She feels robbed of a life she wasn't even sure she wanted until it was gone.

"Thank you, Meri, for being my pretend mommy."

Meredith doesn't say anything, but her heart aches and swells with joy at the same time. She just holds David tightly, rubbing his back, since she allows him to, feeling his body slacken. She looks at the clock and notices that it's a little after nine, already past his bedtime.

She truly doesn't mind rocking him to sleep.

So Meredith does just that, and she has no idea how long she remains there, David on top of her, almost asleep, as she runs her hand back and forth or round and around on his back. It feels like hours before Derek comes checking on them and his eyes are full of love. She's too tired to pretend they're not.

"Want me to move him?" he asks in a whisper, a gentle, loving smile on his face.

Meredith shakes her head. "Not yet. Unless you wanna take over."

"I kinda do. I even showered for that."

Meredith smiles softly, sitting up, trying not to wake David. She makes room for Derek on the other end of the couch, then passes the little boy to him. It takes Derek – and David – a few moments to settle, but it's an easy, almost practiced transition.

"Daddy?" David mumbles into Derek's shirt as Meredith wraps the two of them in the blanket she was using.

"Yes, that's me, D-Man."

"Sorry."

"Oh, it's okay, David," Derek murmurs, kissing the top of his head softly. David just snuggles against him.

"Meri said she can share some of her mommy with me," David says, sleepiness and excitement in his tone.

Derek looks at Meredith puzzled, and she just shakes her head, pretending cluelessness. She needs to tell him at some point, but not tonight.

For tonight she'll just look at him and David, wrapped in a blanket, as she sits on the other end of the couch, not regretting the fact that David is here for one bit. She should run, again, but it feels too big, too meaningful to do so. And she's pretty sure being a pretend mommy implies staying there.

A/N: That was a bit more than you were expecting, right? I dropped hints here and there, and you're still in the dark about a few things, but some of Meredith's past is coming to light. What a past, eh?

The recipe is legit, by the way, is anyone needs inspiration for their lunch/dinner today! You can ask for more details if you need to, but it's definitely good, trust me.

Now, Derek will know about Meredith's baby, just not right in this second. She's still trying to build up the courage to tell him, and she's not quite there yet. Soon, but not now. Keep the faith! And thank you for reading!