A/N: A new chapter already? I know, right?! It's crazy for me, too. But I've had this particular part of the story planned out for a while, and it will answer many of your questions. Many. And yet, you'll still be left with questions, because where would be the fun in having all the answers?

Thank you again for reading and loving IWBY! Enjoy!

Chapter 28

January is always a month that drags long. It's like all the hype of Christmas and the holidays blows away and you're left with emptiness and a boring routine. And even if Meredith's boring routine consists of cordotomies and shunt placements and replacements, so it's not the average kind of boring, but she's definitely not complaining.

Or well, she feels content enough in her new life that this adjustment period after the holidays is a welcomed relief.

She knows she has unofficially moved in with Derek and David when she spends less than one night in her own bed, yet they're keeping the status quo and they're not even mentioning this mere fact.

Derek looks strangely happy, even though Meredith is sure she's just as smiley as her boyfriend. They are enjoying this new normal. Life is not easy, but it seems easier now that they're not climbing impossible hills. David is thriving, they are happy, and life is good, even in the midst of gray Seattle winter days.

Meredith spots Derek and David in the hospital hall, both of them already bundled in their coats and carrying their backpacks. Derek is still in scrubs, and David is walking beside him, probably telling him a million stories. Meredith smiles right away.

"Derek! David!" she calls out, and both of them turn around.

David grins and starts waving at her, while Derek's eyes soften. She smiles back at them.

"I thought I'd see you later today." Derek smiles, coming closer and kissing her quickly. "Date night," he murmurs, his eyes sparkling.

"I finished a bit earlier and saw you guys walking out. Figured I'd say hi."

"Hi, Meri!" David grins. "Are you and Daddy having dinner together when I'm with Nana?"

"We are," she says, smiling at David.

"I'll be extra good for Nana, Daddy." His face is anything but serious, and Meredith tries to contain her giggles.

"I know you will," Derek says, grinning. "And you can tell Nana you can have any dessert she wants, okay?"

"Yay! Thank you, Daddy! I love when you and Meri have dinner together." He pumps his fist in the air in victory.

Both adults laugh. David could definitely be a comedian in a not so far future. Meredith wonders if she'll be around to witness whatever David will become in that future, no matter how much that thought scares her. She wants to believe she can do it, even though she's ill-equipped to do so, and she shouldn't even be considering the option. That's why she'll keep dating Derek and loving them like this, the rest will come.

"Am I still picking you up?" Derek asks, looking only at Meredith.

"You are the only one who knows where you're taking me," she says, laughing.

"Good, so we need to get going. I'll pick you up at six thirty sharp. We have many things on our agenda." Derek winks.

"What's an e-genda, Daddy?" David asks.

"An agenda is a list of things you have to do, appointments and stuff like that."

"Why do you need this e-genda?" David frowns. "I don't think you need that to go eat."

"Well, we do have a reservation at a restaurant, so we need to be there at a certain time."

"Oh, okay," David says, but he's still unconvinced.

"I was just joking with Meredith, treating this date as a much more official event than just dinner between us."

Meredith laughs because David is still confused, and it's amusing how curious that boy is. He always wants to know more and more, especially when adults talk within themselves, and Derek is always happy to try and explain as much as he can, even if it might be beyond David's comprehension ability.

"Okay, six thirty. Wear a dress," Derek says, winking, before he gives her another quick kiss, then motions for David to go.

"Why a dress, Daddy?" David asks, and Meredith can hear Derek laugh as the pair leaves her in the hall.

She follows them in the parking lot, but she turns to the opposite direction, quietly walking home.

She's excited for tonight. They haven't been out to restaurants or conventional dates much, since their time is limited. While Carolyn is always happy to babysit, even overnight, they don't mind having David tag along to some of their outings. Meredith does cherish the few times it can be just her and Derek and they can actually talk about grown-up topics. It's good to get to know him more and more as a father and in a kid-friendly fashion, but sometimes she only wants to enjoy how gorgeous her boyfriend is and stare at him.

Meredith showers and picks out a dress relatively quickly, and she hopes she can impress him. It's not often that Derek sees her all dressed up, so she loves teasing him. And the amount of cleavage she's showing tonight is definitely teasing him. She wants to fully enjoy the opportunity of overnight babysitting, that's for sure.

Derek rings her doorbell at six thirty sharp, punctual as usual. When she opens the door, he's wearing a nice suit and even a tie. She's impressed herself, but Derek seems awestruck.

"Wow," he hums, before he pulls her into a kiss.

She relishes his presence there, at her threshold, solid and warm in her arms.

"You look good, too."

"We make quite the pair. The whole restaurant will be jealous," he says, taking her hand then leading her to his car after she has locked her front door.

The conversation in the car is light and easy, they discuss their days and their surgeries, and Meredith is loving the uninterrupted time they get to spend together. There's flirting, and dirty jokes, and innuendos, and everything else they can't really say within the walls of the hospital or with David around.

Dinner continues in the same tones, as Derek treats her to a lovely steakhouse dinner and for once they have time to enjoy their food without pagers or phones or any other distraction.

"I'm so glad to be here," Derek says, smiling at her after he cleans the last morsel of steak off his plate.

"Well, I've loved tonight. You deserve a proper thank you," she grins.

"A naked thank you?" Derek smirks, his eyes twinkling.

"Most definitely."

Derek laughs. "Want to get out of here? I made cheesecake at home. I wanted to try out a new recipe."

"You make it too easy for me to say yes."

"Wanna eat it at my place or yours?" Derek asks, already pulling out his wallet and motioning for their waiter.

"Well, I do have a king-sized bed," she says, rising her eyebrows.

"We'll swing by my place then, that's settled."

They keep laughing as they pay and exit the restaurant, ready for their evening to continue.

Meredith's apartment is like an unspoiled cocoon for them, the theater of their sexcapades and intimacy. Derek's house is where their public personas shine, but at Meredith's their wild side comes out to play.

They are both laughing and catching their breath as their naked bodies roll on the carpet in her living room.

"The sex keeps getting better and better," Derek grins, laughing.

"We should just ignore everything and be naked forever." Meredith smiles, curling into Derek. She feels incredibly safe in his arms, and she loves to stare at his features in the dim light of her gas fireplace.

"Yeah, forever." Derek hums, kissing the top of her head, holding her closer.

"We didn't get to eat your cheesecake," Meredith says, giggling.

Derek hums. "In a minute. I want to enjoy this."

Meredith nods in agreement. "I love this."

Silence stretches between them as they regulate their breathing. They grab a throw from her couch to cover their naked skin, but they quickly have to put clothes on before they freeze.

Derek had some sweats and a t-shirt left from who knows when, or maybe that Meredith borrowed, washed, and never returned, while Meredith wears her Dartmouth shirt and sweatpants. It's a far cry from the fancy clothes of their dinner date, but it feels more like them.

"Okay," Derek sighs, grabbing a knife as he unwraps the cheesecake. "I hope it's good. It's a new recipe."

"Strawberry?" Meredith sends him a cheeky grin.

"Of course," Derek says, laughing.

He cuts Meredith a slice, and she's already salivating. Derek is a really good cook, and she's always excited to be his guinea pig. Especially when it involves cheesecake.

Meredith watches as Derek cuts his own slice, then stares at her, almost waiting for her reaction. She lingers, teasing him, wanting to drag out this moment. She's almost positive this cheesecake is going to blow her mind, but she likes to see Derek a bit nervous.

She only sees this side of him when he's in surgery, or when he's doing a something new as a resident, and even though he's getting much more confident, that's the only time he shows apparent weakness, aside from the times she's trying out one of his new dishes. The vulnerability of his eyes reminds her so much of David.

"It looks good," she says, smirking. Derek rolls his eyes at her, and she laughs.

"Eat it."

Meredith gives in, sampling a morsel, and she swears it's the best cheesecake she has ever tried. And she's a fan of cheesecakes. A big, big fan.

She moans. Loudly.

Derek's eyes widen.

"Oh my goodness, this is fantastic!" she exclaims. She's not going to say the best because it will go to his already-too-big head, but it is the best cheesecake ever.

"Really?" Derek's smile broadens.

"Hell yeah!" She nods and watches as Derek tries his own creation, his features softening. "Jeez, Derek, you could end wars with this cheesecake."

"What?"

"I mean it. People would be so amazed by this they'll forget to kill each other with assault rifles. They'll just be all merry and eating your cake."

Derek laughs loudly, pulling her closer, then kissing her. "I love you so much, Mere."

"I'm serious. Is this the first time you cook for a woman?"

Derek frowns. "I've cooked for you before."

"I know, but before me?"

"Kind of…" he sighs, his arms tightening around her. "David's mom liked my side dishes, but I never really cooked much for her. And I've fed a couple of girls who stuck around for more than one date with my restaurant food, but…"

"Shit, I can't believe they haven't fallen at your feet." Meredith shakes her head.

"Maybe I was waiting for you to show off my true talent." Derek smirks, and Meredith rolls her eyes.

"Seriously, I cannot believe you're not married by now. You're a good guy who can cook and clean and raise a decent human being, you're a catch. Every woman probably dreams of a husband like you." She giggles, shaking her head.

"Then you do it. Marry me."

Meredith pulls out of his arms to watch Derek straight in the eyes. He's serious. That face is not a joking face. She was totally joking before, bringing up other girls and marriage. Honestly, she is quite surprised Derek even likes a mess like her, but this...Derek is serious.

He steps right in front of her and stares at her in the eyes. "Meredith, will you marry me?" Derek asks again, his voice trembling slightly.

All of a sudden, she wants to say yes. If she didn't have time to think, she would say yes. But she does have time to think. She has the time Derek takes to remove his love-filled gaze from hers and rummage in his pockets. He pulls out a velvet box and she knows he's more than serious.

The more she thinks, the more she knows she's not the right person for Derek. She loves him, so much, but she's not sure she can commit this much, for this long, or if she can even attempt to make it work.

She's a mess, and he doesn't know even half of it. She cannot say yes.

"You don't want to marry me," she says, her voice a low whisper.

Derek's heart starts beating faster. He should have bitten his tongue and kept silent. He should not have spilled his guts like that, pulled out his mother's ring. He's a fool. It's too soon to talk about marriage, and who wants somebody with such baggage as David? Damn fool.

"But I do. I do want to marry you." His voice reminds him of David, begging. He's a beggar. And probably just fueling the fire.

"I have issues, Derek. I look normal, but I'm a walking mess. You need stability. David needs stability."

Derek is touched by the fact that she's thinking about David, too. Yet, he still doesn't understand why she's hesitating. She's the one who brought up forever. "I don't care about your issues, Mere. I love you, and your issues."

"You can't say that. You don't know my issues." She shakes her head.

"Then tell me," he says, maybe a little too much frustration in his tone.

She gulps, shaking her head, her eyes cast low. He wants to know. He needs to know what issues she might have. He knows about her mom not being a stellar parent, about her dad walking out on her...What else can she possibly have that makes her so unsuitable for marriage?

"Mer, I know you're not a big believer in family because of your parents. It's okay. We don't have to all of a sudden be The Shepherds and go around dressed in matching stuff, proclaiming how awesome we are as a family. We'll just keep doing what we're doing now, we'll just sign a piece of paper and be married."

"And what about David?" she asks, her eyes still not meeting his.

"He would love to have you around all the time. Nothing has to change. You don't have to adopt him or anything like that."

"Derek, I'm not a good role model for David, okay?"

"Meredith, you are a successful, smart surgeon who loves him. You are the perfect role model for him. He doesn't need anything more than love."

She shakes her head. "I was floundering around in college, Derek. I slept with anyone, went to class just because I needed to, just to pass, my grades have been barely above average for a long time, I was a rebel and I drank too much...I'm not somebody David should love."

"Well, people make mistakes like that in college, it doesn't define you."

"Killing a baby does, Derek."

Derek is frozen on the spot. Meredith is looking at the floor, her body still. "What?" he asks, his voice shaky. His heart is beating wildly in his ribcage, so loudly he's worried he's gonna miss what Meredith says next. Because he cannot miss this. "What?"

"I killed my own child, Derek. I don't deserve a chance to be a mother."

"You...Meredith, I need more than this." His brain is swirling. Could he have misjudged Meredith for so long? Who is she, really? "Did you commit murder?"

"If you call falling on a flight of stairs and killing your own baby murder, then yes, I did."

His heart breaks when he sees the tears in Meredith's eyes. She looks like she's shaking, but he can't bring himself to get close to her, not until he knows the full story, as painful as it is. Has she killed her baby on purpose? Has she been in jail? What else doesn't he know? Derek needs answers.

"Meredith…"

"Give me a minute. I'm trying to work out the story in my head so it sounds less like murder and maybe you won't kick me out of your life in the span of a minute."

Derek sighs loudly. He can give her time. Heck, he needs some time to process this, too. He's not sure he's able to breathe normally anymore, after all. This is not how he expected this tail end of their evening to go.

His hands are shaking.

"I was always a party girl, from high school onwards, but this happened when I was halfway through college. This guy in my Neurobiology class threw this huge party. I met a guy there, Finn. He was studying to be a vet. We joked around, drank ourselves stupid, ended up fucking in the basement." Meredith's crudity shakes him, but he doesn't want to interrupt her. She needs to tell the whole story however she pleases.

"Thing is, Finn liked me. He started seeking me outside of class, proposed coffee and dates, and I just went along with it, because he could be my sex friend, and I needed the release. I liked him enough to go along anyway, even if it wasn't serious."

Meredith takes a deep breath, looking at the ceiling, and Derek knows what comes next.

"But it got serious because you became pregnant?" he prompts. He can barely imagine Meredith in college, let alone pregnant and in college. But from her face, he knows he hit the mark.

"Yeah," she says, her voice shaking. "Finn made it clear from the start that I should get rid of it. I was still thinking about it and considering all my options, but I was so sick I could barely walk. At some point, I had to be admitted to the hospital for fluids, because I just couldn't take care of myself. That's where my mother enters the picture."

"Ellis?"

"Yes." Meredith snorts, but her smile is short-lived. "For once, she acted like a mother. She talked to me about pregnancy, about her own struggle when she became pregnant with Maggie or even with me. Even though our stories were different, it gave me perspective. I decided that this baby was a sign for me to take myself seriously. I was being dealt this card, so I had to stick with it and continue my plan. I was considering leaving college too, pursue something else, but that was not the main plan."

"What about Finn?"

"Well, he was already seeing someone else, but he was nice enough to me. He wanted to be somewhat involved, just...updates here and there, no custody agreements, nothing of sorts. And for me, that was enough."

Derek feels it in his guts that the story is not going to be a regular story any longer. He sees it in Meredith's eyes too.

"It was a Wednesday morning. I was thirty-six weeks along and finals were around the corner. I was rushing from my very last Cardiology class to my next because I had to stop in the bathroom and I remember the professor hated tardiness. I'm not even sure who my professor was anymore, or which class I was so desperate to get to, but I remember this guy hated people who walked in even one minute after the lecture had started."

"You were still going to class that far along?"

"I only had those two classes, and that was the only day I had back to back in my schedule. It was hard, but at least I didn't have to go an additional day. I was hanging in there pretty well because my pregnancy had been almost uneventful after that first sickness. Also, two weeks after that I had my finals, I had to be there."

Derek is expecting a story of early labor now, something like her waters breaking in the middle of the hall. Not what comes next.

"That morning, I was taking the stairs for exercise and because I was so late the elevator would be too slow. I tripped on my feet halfway through the next floor. I slipped, banged my knees, my elbows, but I kept going up."

Derek gulps. He can feel the dread mounting, the grief building in Meredith.

"I fainted in the middle of the lecture. I was feeling fine, but I figured maybe I hit my head, which I did. I had a very, very minor concussion, but I was fine. My baby was not."

Meredith stops, taking a deep breath, and Derek does the same. He does not want to imagine what comes next. For the first time since she started opening up, he dreads it.

"I...In the commotion of my slip, my baby wrapped his cord around his neck. By the time I was in the ER, there was nothing they could have done to save him. My baby was dead inside me."

Derek remains frozen, staring at Meredith, trying to imagine the pain of this, but he can't. It's too big, too much to process for him. Part of him doesn't want to know more, that this is enough, but he's willing to listen to the whole of Meredith's story. His pain will never compare to hers anyway.

"I was never overly-excited about having a baby, not like those people who wait years and years to conceive and then they send announcements to everybody, but I got quietly excited about starting this new chapter of my life. I liked the way he kicked me, or how I could see him move. He was growing, and I kept his ultrasound picture on the fridge."

"It was a boy?"

Meredith nods, grabbing a tissue to mop up her tears, giving him some time to process this. He understands now why it might be hard for her to be a mother figure for David.

"They suggested inducing me as soon as they noticed that his heart wasn't beating anymore and they knew I was too late for a C-section. They gave me time to process it, but after the night had passed they told me that it could get risky if I kept waiting, so I gave them the good to go and they induced me. They said that sometimes this just happens, for no good reason, that I should not blame myself. That even without the slip, this could have happened anyway, I was not the culprit. It's all bullshit. When you hold your dead son in your arms after hours of labor, it's all bullshit."

Derek can't help himself, he sits down next to Meredith and holds her. He lets her cry for as long as she needs, trying to keep his own tears at bay. There's nothing he can say or do that will ever erase that pain, so he only needs to ride it out with her, and support her.

"He was so tiny, Derek. He looked like me."

Her words, broken by tears, break his heart. He understands her lack of trust, her fear in damaging David. It all makes sense, now.

She sobs for a few minutes, and he lets her, crying with her. There's nothing else they can do now but cry. Except, it looks like there's more to the story, because Meredith wipes her tears and sniffles, looking at him.

"My mom was there, and it was the only good thing about that day. I'm glad she was there because she took the only two pictures I have of him. He almost looks like a normal baby there. Almost as if it were all a dream and he was simply asleep. She only gave me those pictures for what would have been his fifth birthday. When your son had his fifth birthday, I kept imagining mine playing with him, how they could have been preschool friends."

Derek gulps. "They would have been pretty much the same age, right?"

"Almost. Only a few months apart."

"Meredith…"

"Don't say anything. I just want to show you his picture, so that you know why I'm a mess and a horrible mother."

"You're not," he says, but she doesn't believe him. She walks away, leaving him alone in her living room, his brain going a mile a minute.

She has tilted his world completely. One second she was Meredith, the woman he was ready to marry, now she's a Meredith that he's not sure he knows in the first place. He loves her, still, he probably loves her more than before, but it unsettles him how long she did not trust him with the secret of her son.

When she gets back, she's holding two seven by six pictures and a crumpled up tissue, her eyes puffy and red.

"I keep these inside my closet, I can't bear to have them openly displayed. I did not plant a tree, built a memorial or created some kind of art in his memory. I did not have a memorial service or funeral, I just buried him. I give myself one day to grieve him a year, and that's it. That's all the mothering I can do."

Derek's heart breaks at the thought. He thinks about all the wonderful moments he gets to share with David every day, and how little sometimes he thinks they matter. When David is being difficult or when life is difficult in general, he does not recognize how lucky he is to have him alive and well in the first place. Meredith's son puts everything into perspective.

Meredith looks at the pictures with a soft, reverent gaze, before she hands them to him with trembling hands.

There's a picture of Meredith holding him, cradling him, her cheeks glistening with tears, then the second picture makes Derek hold in his breath.

Meredith was right, her son did look like her.

In the portrait, her son has a tuft of dark blond hair on his bald head, and he looks pale, much paler than any newborn he has ever seen. The stiffness of his body is palpable in the picture, but not the softness of his features, clearly a mirror of Meredith's. He has her nose and her chin, her cheeks, and her forehead. Meredith photocopied herself in him, and it breaks Derek's heart that he will never meet this little boy, just about David's age.

"Did you name him?" Derek asks. He knows that sometimes people don't name their children when something like this happens, too shaken by grief, too taken by the overwhelming reality so that on their birth certificate they will only have Baby Boy and a last name. Other times that name is filled with all their hopes and dreams. He cannot figure out by himself in which category Meredith fits.

She looks at him, as he hands back the pictures, and then she touches her son's face so gently, so softly, as a tear slides down her cheek, quietly marking its path down to her neck, before she swipes it with her finger.

"I did," she murmurs, swallowing thickly. "I picked out his name as soon as I knew he would be a boy. I wanted to be prepared. I felt like I had been lazy about him for weeks, and when they told me I was having a boy, it suddenly felt so real. He was a person, growing inside me. And so he needed a name."

Derek is waiting, almost on pins and needles, to finally have a name, too. He wants to have a name when he remembers this little boy he never met who is such a huge part of Meredith's life, such a huge part of what shaped Meredith into the strong, amazing woman she is now. But, she's still skirting around the subject.

"Finn said he could be a Grey, and I was glad about it. He didn't want to be too involved, just the occasional visit and maybe some money, but nothing major, so I was glad he could be fully mine. I picked Ellis for his middle name because of Mom. Because of all she did for me, to make me come to my senses. It took me much longer to figure out his first name, skimming through books and internet pages for weeks." Meredith exhales loudly, almost as if she's bracing herself for what's coming next. "I clearly remember that I put one of the name books on top of one of my textbooks and when I went to grab the book under it, the name book fell open to a page with the name with the perfect meaning: beloved."

Derek frowns, still confused, but he lets her continue. He knows she'll tell him the story, he's just too impatient to know. It's irrational, but he needs to know.

"And then the description, of this boy defying all the odds and killing a giant with a sling and a few stones? It seemed like the perfect name. For my boy to defy the odds of a partying mother and a dad who wanted to be there-but-not-really and thrive in spite of us. When he died, I couldn't bring myself to change it. He was still beloved, after all."

As Derek replays the story in his mind, it dawns on him, and he can't breathe. It's almost too much to process. "David?"

Meredith nods. "Yes. David Ellis Grey."

Derek takes a couple of deep breaths, this story hitting it too close to home. Because her son has the same name as his son, and they would have been pretty much the same age.

"Meredith, I can't...Is this why you meant that you're with me because of David? Because you're trying to replace your David with mine?"

Meredith jumps up to attention, her back straightening, her tears stopping. "Who do you think I am, Derek?"

"I'm not sure anymore, Meredith."

She snorts, shaking her head. "You know that the fact that your David could be mine freaks me out? It shows exactly how inadequate of a mother I could have been for my David, how much I would have screwed up. It's proof that I would have fucked him up before age five, Derek. I would never, ever use your David like that." Her voice is fiery, edgy, not at all like the soft whisper of the previous story. "I wanted to stay as far away from you two as possible, Derek, because of David, because of our positions, but you just kept being in my life and slithering into all my cracks until I was giving in and loving you both! And here we are, with you proposing when I'm still trying to run away from you."

Derek cannot breathe anymore. "What? What do you mean run away, Meredith?"

"I love you, Derek, I do. Even when I keep you ten feet away from me, I still love you. I'm not sure I will ever stop running from commitment. From motherhood. From a relationship. Because I screw up. I'm a fuck-up, and I barely made it through life until this point, and you deserve better. Your David deserves better. Hell, my David deserved better. The less people I'm close with, the less lives I ruin."

The honesty in her statement disarms Derek completely. Because this is not how he sees her. Not at all. "When I saw you the first time, I saw a compassionate, caring doctor. You're beautiful, but not just outside. You are a beautiful person, and your life should touch as many people as possible, because you're good, Meredith. You don't ruin lives, you save lives, and you brought a spark in mine I didn't even think it could have. You brought a spark in my David's life, because you're so full of passion and love and understanding. And you should stop blaming yourself for your David's death. You should. It's not a burden you need to carry alone anymore, Meredith. I'm here. We'll be here. Every year, we can remember together, even if it's for just one day."

"You don't have to carry this with you, Derek. It's not yours."

"It is, if you're mine. I still want you, I want to be with you as much as I did before, maybe even more, and that means we share these things together. I'll share the pain of my David's SPD, and you'll share the pain of not having your David next to you. This is how it works. Every day, for the rest of our lives."

Meredith starts sobbing again, hiding into her palms, and he reaches to hold her. He doesn't know what to do, where they stand, but he knows he needs to hold her. He needs to feel her skin and her warmth and her tears on his neck, as he sheds a few of his own, letting his guard down, too.

"You can stop running, Mere," he murmurs into her hair.

"I don't think I can."

Her honesty is disarming, but he holds her. He needs to hold her, then they'll go from there. Maybe rebuild from the ashes of this conversation.

Meredith holds onto his shirt and cries quietly against his chest. Derek breathes her in, his brain still processing her words, replaying that picture of her David in his mind, as he holds her close.

Derek has no idea how long it takes her to catch her breath and to loosen her grip on him, but when she does, he stares deep into her puffy eyes.

"Do you want me to leave?" Derek asks, his voice cracking. He's not sure he can leave her, not tonight, but he needs to ask. Because he just proposed and flipped the tables on them, forcing Meredith to tell a secret she probably wasn't ready to share. He has no regrets, unless his actions destroy their relationship. So he must ask.

"Stay. Please stay." Her voice sounds so different from her usual, cut by tears and grief.

"Okay," he hums, clearing his throat. "Okay, I'll stay."

"I'm not ready to marry you, but please, don't leave. Please."

Derek reaches for her, pulling her closer again. He wraps his arms around her, and she nestles into his chest.

"I'm not going anywhere," he murmurs in her ear.

And right then and there, he doesn't think he has loved Meredith as much as in that exact moment. Even if she hasn't said yes, she's still the love of his life.

Derek has no idea where they can go from here, where she's able to go, if she'll ever be ready for the commitment of marriage or if they'll just keep doing what they have done so far. He has a million questions and very few answers, but he knows he loves Meredith, and if that can be enough for her too, then they will be okay.

"I love you, Mer."

Meredith sighs deeply, tangling their hands. "I love you too. I'm sorry."

If she means that, Derek know they will be okay.

"Me too, Mer. Me, too."

A/N: I know this chapter was a rollercoaster, so thank you for riding it with me. I hope Meredith's behavior makes sense, even though I'm sure you guys can question the dates and numbers, but it's fiction, isn't it?

Lastly, my solidarity is with whoever lost a child this way. I hope I gave justice to that kind of impossible pain, but I know I didn't. I did try my best, though, so I hope that can be enough.

Thank you again for reading this story. Don't get used to the super quick updates, tho!