A/N: Hello, and welcome to July! And welcome back with IWBY. This is quite a heavy chapter, but you'll see, it gets better at the end, so stick around. Enjoy!
Chapter 31
Her headache doesn't want to go away.
Meredith is sitting in the dim light of her office, blinds drawn, barely a sliver of light coming in, just enough for her to see the paperwork in front of her eyes. Her handwriting is blurring, the letters and numbers mixing as she slowly massages her temples.
She started her day with an easy but necessary aneurysm repair, rocked it, then hid in the cave of her office, only leaving to use the bathroom. She cannot deal with people today, and since her house is full of Shepherds, her office is her respite.
Well, there's only two Shepherds, and now there's probably none, since Derek is in an OR somewhere and David is at school, but she can't be home and work at the same time, so office is her best option.
She's been calling her potential trial patients for the last hour, explaining the procedure, trying to convince them she can be their last chance.
Meredith writes down today's date right next to the last patient she called on the list, ticking the box next to his name, then exhaling loudly.
It's been a stab in her heart every time she has written those numbers, but she can't dwell much on today. Or at least, what was happening today six years ago.
She can't, but her mind wanders without her permission anyway.
Meredith stares at the IV in her arm, listens to the steady beeping of the monitors in her right ear, tears pricking her eyes as she rubs her round belly, stroking the rough fabric of the hospital gown. Her skin used to ripple and curve and shift as her son moved inside of her, but now everything is still and quiet.
There's no fetal monitor, no nurse coming in and out to check her vitals and her baby, just silence.
She will never take a screaming baby home.
Her gaze lifts to the dark windows, tears blurring her vision.
She already misses her baby, and he's not even outside of her, yet. Maybe if he never comes out, he will never die. Maybe…
"Knock knock." A nurse pokes her head in, a reassuring smile on her lips.
"Come in," Meredith croaks, wiping her cheek in a swift motion, hiding her tears.
"Someone is here to see you," she says, and when she enters, she's followed by Ellis.
Meredith stares at the somber expression on her mother's face, trying to remember any other time in her whole life she ever saw her mother look this sad. Ellis is unusually disheveled, and her professional and emotionless surgeon mask is cracked.
"Meredith," she says, her voice uncharacteristically gentle and soft.
The nurse leaves them be and, as Meredith stares at her mother, she can't help but burst into tears.
She is a failure. And a terrible person. She's a worse mother than her own mother, now. At least Ellis was able to keep her alive.
Her mother walks closer, wraps Meredith in her arms and holds her. Ellis rubs her back, her hair, whispers nonsense in her ear, but Meredith can only cry. She can find no comfort, not in her mother's arms, nor in her own head, so Meredith cries.
It's not ugly sobbing yet, she already did that when she first got the news. Now it's just eyes leaking, sniffling, and Meredith clutching her mother's shirt so tightly she's making permanent wrinkles in it.
When her tears subside, she feels empty. It's a deep-rooted emptiness, a disgust that is gnawing deep in her heart. She knows there's no way she can heal this rotten part of herself, not ever.
"Meredith," Ellis says, wiping the last of her tears away and cupping her face in her hands. "You need to do what the doctors said."
"Mom," she croaks, blinking away more tears. "If I get induced, he's really dead. I can't...I can't!"
Ellis stares her down, her gaze unwavering. "You will die too, Meredith."
"Maybe I deserve it." The words leave her lips before she can reel them in, but part of her believes it. A tiny, inconsequential part of her believes it.
Ellis sighs, a flicker of panic in her eyes. "It was an accident. It could have happened in a million other ways, Meredith."
"But I did it, and it happened to me. I killed my baby."
"Meredith, I almost killed myself. You were there, you know." Ellis takes a deep breath, blinking slowly. "But the moment the blood started flowing, I could only think what the fuck did I do? Because you were staring at me, your eyes wide and scared, and you had no one. You only had me, and I was trying to end it all."
"But you lived."
"Yes. And Richard came back, in the end. We talked and we sorted things out, and he came back. So yes, I gave you years of therapy, but something good happened after that. Maggie happened. You might not see anything good coming out of this, but maybe it will. In five years, ten years, maybe you will see the sliver of good in this immense grief."
Meredith shakes her head, hiding into her mother's arms, unable to process her words just yet.
"Please, don't die," Ellis says, squeezing her tighter. "Please don't die with your baby."
Meredith tightens her hold on her mother, knowing she's right. Maybe part of her will die with her son, but she can keep learning and become the most amazing surgeon, so that babies like him will never have to die. Not on her watch. Maybe that will be the silver lining in ten years. Maybe that's her purpose in this fucked-up world. Maybe that's the reason she's alive and her son is not. Maybe that's how she can remember her baby forever.
"Okay. Okay, I'll do it. I'll get induced."
Ellis tightens her arms around her.
"Hey, Mer!"
Derek's voice startles her from the memories, and she feels drained. Her heart is aching, her eyes are heavy, her head is full.
"Hey," she replies weakly. Her office door closes with a soft click behind his back.
"Are you okay?" he murmurs, concerned. "Sorry for barging in. I knocked three times."
Derek looks happy, or at least not sad. She can't unload all her grief on him like this, in her office, halfway through their workdays. She wants to, because he always has the right words to comfort her, but she can't. It's not his pain to deal with, not his child, not his stupidity, not his...
"Just...I have a headache. I've been calling trial patients all morning."
Derek walks closer, his lips finding the top of her head and lingering there. He is warm and solid at her side, hovering over her and the paperwork on her desk, and she turns in her chair to put her hand on his chest. He is real. He is here.
"Would you like to skip tonight?" he murmurs against her hair, his thumb drawing small circles on her shoulder.
"You mean dinner?"
"Yeah." He sighs. "We can skip it."
"No, I...We should do dinner." She nods. She can be normal. Dinner with Derek is normal. Dinner with Derek is silver linings. Dinner and dates with Derek are silver linings.
"I can take over some of this paperwork, Mer." He gives her a gentle smile, a smile that would heal wounds alone. Yet, her heart still feels broken.
"It's fine. I just need a break. Tell me about your day."
Derek humors her. He sits down on the armchair in front of her desk and starts babbling about his surgery. She knows he's aware of what today is, he remembers things, but she's grateful he's not bringing it up. His slight excitement over doing a running whip stitch on a bowel should be contagious. On any other day, it would be, but today she only feels numb.
"Meredith, you're not okay." He looks at her and sees right through her bullshit. "I love you, but you're not okay."
"Derek," she says, sighing, blinking back tears.
"I know what today is, I remember." He stands up and comes to lean against her side of the desk, eye-level with her. "It's okay if you're sad and broken today."
Meredith sighs. "I don't want to be. I...I'm happy with you."
"I know. But it's a sad day."
"It's just…" She shakes her head. Her brain is a fruit salad of emotions, and she has no utensils to eat it, she doesn't like kiwis cut like that and the whole damn thing is too sour. Her brain sucks. Feelings suck big time.
"It's okay. It's okay to feel overwhelmed."
Derek takes her hand and helps her on her feet. She lets herself fall into his chest when he pulls her into a hug.
Derek is safe, nothing bad can get to her if she stays there.
A stubborn tear slides down her cheek, and it's all downhill from there. She is a sobbing mess in a matter of minutes.
But Derek is there. He holds her up, his fingers running through her hair, rubbing slow circles on her back, his lips firmly on her forehead, shushing her, whispering a litany she can't understand, while she's gripping his scrubs as if her life depended on it.
"Derek." She whimpers, her tears making her brain swirl.
"I love you," he says, tightening his hold on her, the words repeated in a loop.
"Love you, too," she hiccups, unable to say more. She's drained, empty.
Derek hums, not saying much else after that, just being there for her, holding her up, supporting her weight, probably in more than one way.
His hand running down her spine is a soothing balm, a safe haven. Derek is warm and solid, his arms a cocoon she doesn't want to leave. Her tears are marking paths down her cheeks, getting lost in his scrub top, but he doesn't care. At each louder sob, he holds her tighter, until she's calm enough that she's not completely falling apart in his arms.
Maybe she's already too broken to disintegrate into smaller pieces.
She realizes he's giving her a burrito hug when he cups her head and pulls her face close against his neck, just like he taught her to do with David. She smells his faint aftershave and the unique smell that makes him Derek, the one that lingers on his pillow and his sweaters, and her tears subside, slowly.
He is such a wonderful man, a man she can see herself grow old with. Except, he should want more, better, less damaged. Her mind can't get over how someone like Derek can love someone like her. Especially when she knows she cannot give him what he deserves.
Maybe that's the only way she can push him away towards a better future, a less troubled future, not next to her. Even if it will break her, maybe that's what she needs to do. She can fix this, even if she can't fix her baby's death.
She takes a deep breath as she braces herself for leaving Derek's arms, the safety, the warmth, the solidity. She braces herself for another loss.
"I don't know if I can ever have another baby, Derek," she says, slightly pulling away when her legs don't feel like jelly anymore. She's still wobbling as she puts Derek at arm's length, but he doesn't let go of her biceps.
"Meredith, we can talk about that on another day." His eyes show concern, but nothing of the rage she expected. His reaction is throwing her off.
"I might never be ready."
"Then we'll talk about it. But not today. Today it can be about David, not about us."
She knows he's right, that today is not for life-altering decisions. Especially if they involve leaving Derek. Because, on any other day, the idea of leaving Derek is ludicrous but today grief holds her in a vice grip and doesn't let go. Grief is skewing all her priorities and scrambling her brain into runny egg yolk.
"Is that why you're taking me to dinner? Do you need to know more?" she asks, trying to distract herself.
Derek sighs and shakes his head. "No, I don't need to. I can listen if you want to tell me more, but I don't need more. I just want you to relax and not think for a while."
Meredith looks at him, tries to clear away the blur of tears, even though her eyes feel puffy. Derek seems sincere; he is honest, and good, and hers. Maybe he deserves to know more. Maybe he will understand why she can never put herself through the experience of birthing another baby again.
Tonight not thinking seems like a pipe dream anyway.
"Contractions started soon after they induced me, but labor was over twenty hours long. My body was not ready for it. The progress was crawling for hours, until hour eighteen, then everything hit all at once and the pain...I wasn't sure what was more painful, the physical part, or knowing that David was already dead."
Meredith stops the story, needing a second to breathe, and Derek cuts in after a sigh.
"You don't have to tell me this."
"I do." She sniffles, and he understands. He takes her hand and squeezes it. "There was talk of a C-section before that, but then labor picked up and they decided to go the natural way. It felt like forever before he was out, and yet I didn't want him to be out. David being out meant he was truly, really dead."
"You wanted to protect him."
Meredith shakes her head. "I didn't protect him enough."
A sob shakes her, and Derek holds her again.
"When they say stillborn, they never tell you how still, Derek. Never."
At the memory of David in her arms, not breathing, not moving, not crying, she breaks down again. She misses her baby with every fiber of her being. She misses the son he never was, all the things they never did together, the smiles he never gave her, the way he would make her heart skip a beat when he moved within her, creating ripples in the skin of her stomach.
Right in that moment, Meredith realizes David is the first person she ever loved unconditionally, and what good did it do? Was it worth the heartache?
"You're here, Mere. You're here and you're the strongest, most compassionate woman I know. So maybe that's why you had David, to become this person, today. To become Meredith Grey, amazing woman, incredible surgeon, and my impressive girlfriend. Maybe it had to happen."
Meredith shakes her head. "It sucks."
"It's horrible, I know. I wish you would have gotten all this without losing your son."
"I love you, Derek." Her voice gets lost in the fabric of his scrubs, at the juncture of his neck, while she holds onto him.
Her headache seems to have dulled, and now she feels empty. Not as empty as she did after they removed David from her arms, but empty nonetheless. It's a numb emptiness, yet part of her is feeling so grateful for Derek here, for her life today, that maybe this is her silver lining indeed.
She has no idea why she was thinking she could push Derek away when clearly, he's holding her together. She hates depending on people, but Derek makes it bearable. He makes life better by just being there, next to her.
A pager shrieks in the silence, startling both of them, and Derek groans. "It's mine."
"You can go," she says, sniffling, as he pulls away from her to check the display at his waistband.
"Running whip stitch patient is awake. I'll be back as soon as I can."
"Derek, I'm okay now. Thank you. I...Thank you." She cups his cheek, brushes his stubble, lingers there.
"Anytime Mere, you know that."
Derek kisses her, slow and warm, then his pager beeps again.
"Mmm, ER now," he says, licking his lips, disappointed they can't kiss longer.
"Go. Come and get me when you're ready for dinner."
"Six o'clock and I'm back here, I promise."
Derek leaves her with a brilliant smile. For a second she finds herself smiling back, then the grief swallows it. Yet, her heart feels less heavy, and even though she knows she will never heal, maybe it's not so bad to have someone that puts her back together when she falls apart at the seams.
Derek is nervous as he approaches Meredith's office. People have been giving him looks all day, whispering and gossiping. He's sure they believe something happened between them since Meredith was hiding in her office all day.
Yet, he doesn't care about correcting them. It's not their business.
He hates how public their relationship has become since the trial, how he's suddenly the bad guy, the guy screwing his boss to get into fancy surgeries. People liked him before, but now they're veering sharply towards either neutrality or distaste, all friendliness gone from their tones. His intern friends are all very neutral, except Izzie who is vocal about her not-so-friendly opinions, and Cristina, who is the only one who never said anything bad about him, and offered him a beer at Joe's instead. The rest of the hospital is always ready to point out his mistakes, no questions asked. He was only glad the ER kept him busy enough to tune out all the gossip.
Meredith doesn't need any of this, on top of mourning. She needs to get out of this hospital, fast.
Derek is not sure dinner at the Grey-Webbers as Ellis suggested is a good idea now, not after he saw how broken Meredith still is. He imagined that the grief would be there, but witnessing how overpowering it still is has been disconcerting.
Meredith is not usually the most upbeat, perky person, but seeing her reduced to a sobbing mess is not something he cares to experience ever again.
He takes a deep breath before he knocks on her office door. Her invitation to come in is soft and subdued, though clear from the barrier separating them.
"Hey, it's me," he says, gently closing the door behind his back.
Meredith gives him a weak smile as he looks at her. She's already in street clothes, a simple blouse and slacks, and while her smile doesn't even reach her eyes, she looks better. Her eyes are redder than usual, but she could blame staring at horrible intern handwriting for it. She definitely doesn't look like she's been falling apart in his arms for a good half hour not long ago. Makeup might be doing the trick, but he doesn't care, she still looks beautiful to him.
"I'm just about ready to go," she says. "Give me a second to sign this last chart, then we can go."
Derek nods and he sits in front of her, smoothing invisible wrinkles on his dark jeans and checking his sweater for stray fuzz. He picked something simple to wear, and he hopes he's not too underdressed. This is how he usually goes to Sunday dinners at his mother's, but he's not sure how fancy this dinner party is going to be.
He feels bad for tricking Meredith into this, so he wants to be sure he will give her plenty of time for an out. His nerves are building, but he knows this will be good for her. They can talk medicine, Ellis will surely appreciate it, and ignore everything else. Meredith will love bragging about her trial. If it all goes south, they can always cancel and stay home, which now sounds like the very best idea for his self-preservation.
"Okay, I'm ready," Meredith says, closing the chart in front of her and stacking it on top of the tallest pile at her right. She takes a deep breath as she stands up, clearly stretching her legs.
Derek smiles at her and moves closer to give her the briefest of kisses. She is the one that slightly deepens it, her hand resting on his cheek to hold him there. She presses her forehead against his, and for a second they just breathe, together.
"Thank you for today. And for this," she murmurs against his lips.
"You can still back out anytime, okay? If you don't want to see people, we can leave."
Meredith takes a deep breath. "I'm okay now."
Derek hums, quickly kissing her again. "Let's go, then."
Meredith grabs her purse, takes the keys to her office from the desk, then they leave her safe sanctuary behind. She takes his hand as they walk through the halls, and Derek doesn't miss the stares the gossip mill is giving them. They're never this open with their relationship, never so clearly together, but he doesn't care. If Meredith needs him to hold her hand, he's more than happy to do it.
He knows by now there are ongoing bets about them having make-up sex in her office or something equally ludicrous, but he doesn't care. He's proud to be holding her hand, and he wouldn't want to hide her soft and firm grasp for anything else in the world.
"Where are we going?" she asks, a curious glint in her irises.
"You'll see," he says, smiling, making it into a game.
Usually, Meredith would pester him for an answer, or at least guess a couple of places, but tonight she stays quiet, walking in step with him, her curiosity stifled by her busy brain.
The smell of mixed flowers in bloom and rainfall assaults them as soon as they cross the sliding doors into the parking lot. A slight mist lingers in the air, almost palpable, but there is a slant of sunshine streaming down from the west. The sunset reflects into Meredith's eyes in a way that makes her glow. Derek cannot help himself as he leads her to his car, and before he opens the door for her he kisses her.
"You look beautiful tonight," he whispers with his forehead against hers, and she blushes, hiding in the car.
She checks herself in the small mirror in the sun visor, groaning. "Derek, I look like a wreck."
Derek sighs at her defeated voice, the leather of his seat moaning as he settles at the wheel. "You look beautiful to me, then."
Meredith smiles at him, reaching over the parking brake and kissing him back.
She looks less devastated when she pulls back, though sadness lingers around her like a halo. She grabs his hand as soon as he shifts into drive, and holds it steady, like a lifeline, as she quietly stares out of the window.
"David is with your mom, right?" she asks, glancing at him at a red light.
"Yeah. Do you want him with us?" He's not sure what she's thinking, but he wants to ask, to see if he can figure out her mood a bit better.
"No, I...I don't think I can be good company for him tonight." Her eyes well with tears, and he squeezes her hand tightly before the light turns green.
"Mom is okay with having him overnight."
Meredith sighs, shaking her head. "It won't be any better tomorrow morning, I just...We should pick him up before we get home."
"We'll see how it goes at the end of the night, okay? Mom requests minimal advance notice for sleepovers, I promise." He attempts a smile she does not reciprocate. She does squeeze his hand tighter, though.
Derek lets the silence linger in the car as he navigates his Porsche through the roads of Queen Anne. He has always liked this part of town, and if he could ever have afforded it, he might have picked a home for him and David here, too.
Derek takes a deep breath as he stops the car a block or so from 613 Harper Lane, the address Ellis told him this morning. He wants to give Meredith some time to back away without being seen in case she believes this idea is ludicrous and he's crazy for agreeing with Ellis.
"Are you lost, Derek?" she asks, looking around, almost as if she's finally noticing where they are. "I grew up in this neighborhood; if you're looking for a specific restaurant in the area I might know where it is."
Derek takes a deep breath. "There's no restaurant, per se," he says, his voice low.
"What?"
"When Ellis asked me to stay in her office, after we presented the trial...she invited us for dinner tonight." Derek spits it all in one breath, hoping to soften the blow. From Meredith's shocked face, he has not succeeded.
"Okay, what?" Her eyes are wide, and she swallows thickly.
"She told me she wants you to have family around tonight. They are your family."
Meredith blinks. "Derek, you're my family, too."
His heart warms, but the hesitation doesn't stop gripping him. "And that's why she invited me. Ellis said you would freak out and overthink this, so she had to sneak behind your back to actually get to know me."
"I… No," Meredith says, shaking her head. "No."
He can see the panic building, the fear, and he wants to soothe everything. "We can leave. She was aware this could happen. I'm just going to start the car and we'll get home, order in, or go anywhere you want."
Meredith's chest heaves with deep, panicky breaths, but she doesn't say anything anymore. Her brain is working in overdrive to process his words, and he can only stare. He has no idea what to do, what to say, how to make it better, except let her do her thinking. He will wait for as long as she needs, and hopefully he can stop vomiting words to overwhelm her even more.
"Derek, my mom is… my mom." Her whisper and her wide, deer-like eyes almost make him start the engine and flee away. But he wants to give her a chance.
"I know. She's not the easiest person to get along with, and she's harsh and blunt, but she's your mom."
"She probably hates you."
"Then so be it. I'm not going anywhere." He gives her a smile, trying to reassure her.
"She hated Finn, and never hid that. The only time they met...it was a disaster. Richard tried to mediate, but Ellis and Finn...disaster."
"Mer, I can handle disaster. We can handle disaster."
She shakes her head. "You are willingly going into the lion's den. Lioness, in this case."
"And I'd even poke the lioness if that's what you need from me. I'm nervous, but I'm not scared."
"You're nervous?!" Her voice rises an octave, making him smirk.
"Yes. I'm meeting your parents. Even though I already know them, I don't know them as your parents, so that is a big question mark, but I'm happy to be nervous. I'm happy to meet your parents, to get to know another part of your life I still haven't experienced."
"Derek…"
"You've met my mother. She loves you."
"Your mom is...well, a mom! Ellis is a surgeon, first and foremost. And she loves Maggie more than she loves me. I'm like...fourth wheel."
"Then I will be the fifth, right beside you. You're stuck with me."
Meredith shakes her head, biting her lip. "Let's go get David and go out for pizza or something."
Derek smiles. "We can get David, if it helps you deflect some judgment. But I still want to see Ellis Grey cooking."
Meredith shakes her head as he chuckles. "She's actually a decent cook. Richard is good at grilling, but she's a good cook."
"Do you still want David here?"
Meredith exhales, her warm air tickling his arm. "You said family, Derek. You two are a packaged deal. And she will not hate you if he's there, your kid is cute."
Derek laughs loudly then, leaning in to quickly kiss her lips. "That's not why we can go pick up David. But if you want him here, then we can go get him."
"Yes. I...Yes." She bites her lip, her eyes bright and wide. "I know I said no before, but he's...I love him, Derek. I like having him around, and my mother needs to learn how to like him, too. We're not that far from your house, right?"
"It doesn't matter, we can go. Let me ring Mom and see if he's decent, so we'll just swing by and get him."
Derek grabs his phone and makes a quick phone call to his mother, as he watches Meredith internalize her freakout. She's bouncing her leg, her gaze avoiding his as she stares straight ahead, at what he knows is her house. He grabs her hand when he hangs up, trying to steady her.
"It will be okay. David and I...we're good test takers."
That finally wins him a giggle as he starts the engine and moves out of the parking spot. The drive between their homes is quicker than he expected and when they get there, David is already bouncing on his grandmother's porch, clearly excited to be invited at a grownup dinner party.
David runs to the car, as Carolyn waves at them from the front door, a smile on her face.
"Daddy! Meri!" David says, entering the car in a flurry of energy, slamming the door behind him as he quickly sits on his booster and buckles his seatbelt.
"Hey David," Meredith whispers, turning to glance at him and give him a smile.
Derek can see his son bouncing on his seat, and not even metaphorically, from the rearview mirror.
"I am so excited, Daddy!" He grins. "Is it true that I'm meeting your mommy, Meri? Nana said that's where we're going, your mommy and daddy's house, but I dunno. Is it true? Does your mommy cook yummy food like Nana? She's Daddy's mommy, and she makes the best food! I…"
"David, slow down. Breathe," Derek says, chuckling. He glances at Meredith then, her eyes wide. "Mer, I think you're passing the rambling onto him."
Meredith ignores his little jab and turns to David instead. "Davy, yes, you are going to meet my mom and dad, and I think my little sister. Her name is Maggie."
"Is she big like you or small like me?"
"She's big like me, even though she's younger than me. She's pretty cool. She goes to college to be a doctor."
"That's so cool indeed!" David's eyes are wide.
"So, my mom's name is Ellis, and my dad's name is Richard. I think you probably know them from the hospital, because they work with me and Daddy. They are surgeons, too."
David's eyes widen. "Wowza!"
"I know. There are many surgeons in my family."
"Indeed." His eyes are a bit wide, but Meredith is freaking out a little, too. "Daddy, do you know Meri's mommy and daddy?"
"I kind of know them. I work with them sometimes. But I don't know them as Meredith's mom and dad." Derek replies, smiling softly at his son through the rearview mirror.
David frowns. "I don't understand."
"Well, when people are at work are a bit different than when they are with family. You have to be professional at work. When I am at work with Meredith, we don't act like this. We have to do work things."
"What things?" David is still confused.
"Work things, Nugget, like operating, giving medicines. It's not all super fancy."
"So...boring?"
It's Meredith who giggles this time. "Being a grown up is boring most of the time, so yes."
David seems to think about her words for a bit, then he asks: "This dinner is going to be fun, right?"
"Oh, you bet," Meredith says, shaking her head, and finally, she almost looks like herself.
The sparkle in her eyes is not fully back, but she's getting there, and Derek is loving it. He's glad having David around is not making her sadder, but it's helping instead. He wasn't going to put money on David helping, but Derek is glad his son is good medicine for broken hearts.
Meredith is fidgeting in front of the closed door of her mother's home. David rang the doorbell for them in a whirlwind of excitement, and now they're waiting for her parents to show up.
She is not sure what to think, but she knows these few seconds standing there feel like an eternity. She's dreading this moment, but part of her also wants to spend time with Ellis. The part of Meredith that knows Ellis cares, that she remembers David too, the Ellis that stayed with her for her whole labor, unwavering; she wants that Ellis with her tonight.
David is swaying on his feet, restless, his gaze moving quickly between Meredith and his father, trying to get himself grounded as he fidgets with the hem of his polo shirt and the pockets of his jeans. Meredith instead grabs Derek's hand and holds onto him as if her life depended on it.
"Are you sure they are here?" David asks, a frown on his forehead.
In response, the door opens and Ellis is on the other side, a smile on her face.
A smile.
Meredith can almost count on her hands how many times she has seen her mother smile genuinely. And this is apparently one of those times.
"Hello. Welcome!" Ellis says, grinning down at David.
David immediately shies away, hiding behind Derek, leaving Meredith and Derek uncovered and open for any jabs Ellis can throw at them.
"Thank you for having us over," Derek says, trying to break the ice.
"Of course. It's always a pleasure. Richard is on the deck, barbecuing."
Ellis invites them in, and they all follow. Meredith feels like she's having an out-of-body experience, seeing her mother so polite. She knows Ellis is a good hostess, always politically correct and perfect in any situation, but it's disconcerting to see it firsthand.
"Oh, we love barbecue. Right, David?" Derek says, looking down at his son.
David nods weakly, still hiding behind the larger frame of his father.
"What's your name, young man? My name is Ellis. I'm Meredith's mom."
"David," he whispers, blushing. "Nice to meet you."
"I'm glad you're here. What do you think, would you like to eat on the deck?"
David nods.
"We're eating on the deck?" Meredith blurts, and her mother gives her a look.
"It's the first one of the maybe five nice nights of the year in Seattle, of course we're eating outside. We're always inside the hospital. I'll go check on the food, Meredith you can do the honors."
Ellis disappears in the kitchen, and Meredith exhales loudly.
"Okay, she's strangely not at all like herself tonight. At least not the Ellis Grey that I know from the hospital." Derek smiles taking a deep breath.
"She's a weird hybrid of Ellis and your mom. I'm not sure what's going on. Let's go outside and find Richard, maybe he's normal." Meredith is thoroughly confused by this Ellis, but maybe she should just go with it. Richard might help grounding her.
Derek chuckles, following her as the trio heads outside.
"Meredith! Derek!" Richard is a bit more somber and less fake when he greets them, but he still looks very different than his usual, with thongs instead of a retractor in his hands and an apron instead of a surgical gown. "And who is this little man here?"
David keeps hiding, of course, though Meredith can't blame him.
"Hello, sir. I'm Derek, and this is my son David. Nice to meet you," Derek says, holding out his hand. Richard laughs at his gesture and draws him in a manly hug instead.
"David, do you like burgers or hot dogs?" Richard asks then, turning to David with a gentle smile Meredith remembers from her own childhood.
She has vivid memories of Richard taking her home in clothes that were not hers, while her mother was still in the hospital and Meredith could still feel her warm blood on her skin. He had made her hot dogs that night as well. Hot dogs and boxed mac and cheese.
"Burgers," David says, his voice small. "But hot dogs too. I like lots of food."
"Oh, good, because we have lots of food." David seems to relax at Richard's words, his shoulders sagging and he stops fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "Ellis made all your favorites, Meri."
"What?" Meredith turns to Richard, puzzled. Her mother knows her favorites?
"Mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, that salad you always fawn over…" Richard chuckles, flipping a patty on the grill.
"Oh." Her eyes widen again. This is a parallel universe.
"The best mac and cheese in the world coming right up!"
Meredith turns towards the voice at the door and sees Maggie carrying a steaming casserole of what looks like mac and cheese indeed.
"Meri! You're here!" Maggie grins, dropping the food on the table, before squeezing Meredith in a tight hug. It takes a Meredith a second to react, but when she does, it feels good to be hugging her sister. Their relationship is obviously complicated, but she does love Maggie, and she's happy her sister is here and can meet Derek and David.
"How are you, Maggie?"
"Glad to be away from that godforsaken campus. I swear they're driving me crazy. But don't tell Mom. For her, it's just…"
"Building character," they say in unison, and then they laugh.
"Did Mom actually cook tonight?" Meredith stage whispers in her sister's ear.
"I know, right?! She's been away from the hospital for a full day. Maybe she's getting senile."
"Maggie, I heard that!" Richard chuckles, and they all grin when Ellis reappears, carrying more food. Ellis stares all of them down, though it's a sort of soft and menacing look, void of her usual coldness, before she goes back inside. Meredith makes the executive decision of changing the subject before the conversation becomes even more surreal.
"So, Maggie, this is Derek." Meredith turns to her boyfriend, smiling as he holds out his hand, but Maggie pulls him into a hug instead.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry for you," she laughs, and Derek joins her.
"Don't listen to her, she's delusional," Meredith retorts and Derek has a gleam in his eyes Meredith can't decipher.
"Oh, I missed sister interaction. Kind of." He laughs.
"Do you have sisters?" Maggie asks.
"Just four. Very girly, tons of kids. Fun times at Casa Shepherd." He cringes, though Meredith can see the love for his family there.
"Okay, wow. Four?"
"Yes. Only boy. I'm only glad I have a son, now." Derek looks down at David, who is still behind him, though he's curiously staring at them from his vantage point. "This is David."
"Hi, are you Meri's little sister?" David mumbles, looking up at Maggie.
"Yes, my name is Maggie. You call her Meri, too?"
"Yes. I can't say Meree...Merey… Meri's name all that well." David blushes.
"David, it's okay, I don't mind. I like Meri. Meredith is a long name to say." Meredith reassures.
"I'm very smart, Maggie." David boasts, almost puffing his chest.
"Oh, I bet." Maggie grins. "You look like a smart kid."
"I can spell my own name and color and zip my coat, but some things are hard to do. I'm still growing. That's what Benny says."
"That's true. Are you big enough to go on the swings?"
David's eyes sparkle. "You have a swingset?"
"My dad made one for me and Meredith. Do you want to try it?"
David doesn't hesitate, all his shyness gone as he follows Maggie through the yard in the direction of the swingset where Meredith spent a good portion of her summers, up to her angry teenage years.
She takes a deep breath, imagining her David swinging next to David, or in his place, as she did a million times before. The swing creaks from lack of usage, but it still works smoothly.
"Well, Maggie and David hit it off." Richard smiles wistfully, still managing the grill.
"He's an easy kid to please," Derek says, moving closer to Meredith and putting his hand on the small of her back.
"How are you, dear?" Richard asks her, then, a soft expression on his face.
"I feel a bit wrung out, but okay overall," Meredith admits, knowing her father would spot a lie a mile away.
"Really?"
"Really."
Ellis reappears, this time to stay, and she starts firing question after question at a poor, unsuspecting Derek, who, in turn, answers her in stride, never missing a beat. Not even when Ellis asks about David's mother or other very personal questions. Ellis is so good at this it doesn't even feel like an interrogation.
By the time their plates are empty and David is back on the swingset, Ellis and Derek are engrossed in a deep conversation about the merits and drawbacks of camping, to which Meredith is an amused and fascinated witness.
"David and I go sometimes. Maybe you can join us, Ellis." Derek throws in, to which Meredith widens her eyes widely.
"Only if Meredith goes, too." Ellis smirks.
"You're not the camping type?" Derek turns to her, a frown masked by a smile.
"I love nature, I do. I never tried camping, though." She almost blushes at the admission.
"With David, I don't rough it in the bushes too much," Derek says, grinning. "In fact, I have this trailer I rent sometimes that would be perfect. I always figured that would be the perfect place to live."
"A trailer?" It's her turn to frown.
"No, that land. In a house, on that land. I'll show you that place sometimes."
"What if she doesn't like that place for a house?" Ellis interjects, the question clearly directed at Derek.
"I'll make peace with it. I'm sure David won't be a fan of bugs and mud and the woods himself, so it's surely not a dealbreaker." Derek answers with a smile, and it lifts a burden from her chest. She has never imagined herself living in the woods, but she wants to trust Derek with this one and at least give him the benefit of the doubt.
"And what is a dealbreaker?"
"Mom!" Meredith exclaims.
"No, it's a legit question, Mere. But no, I don't think there are dealbreakers with Meredith. I'm in for the long haul." His eyes soften when he looks at Meredith, and she melts inside.
Even after today, when she hit her lowest points since she met him, he still manages to make her swoon with such a simple sentence.
"Okay, if you don't marry him, I will," Maggie whispers in her ear, poking her side.
Meredith giggles at her sister. "We're not there yet but...long haul for me too."
Maggie grins, her excitement palpable. "I'm so happy for you, Meri. He's gorgeous and lovely. And David is such a wonderful kid. You won the lottery, finally."
Meredith shakes her head. "He's just Derek."
"And I might consider stealing him if he wasn't so clearly in love with you."
Meredith giggles again. "He doesn't even have a brother, sorry."
"A lesbian sister?" Maggie shrugs.
At that, Meredith explodes in a belly laugh that turns every face towards her.
She gives it to her mother, tonight was exactly what she needed. She's still sad and not fully okay, but reconnecting with her family and seeing how well Derek fits in her own dysfunctional nest clearly worked to keep her head above water.
As she watches David swing in her childhood backyard, she also imagines a different child next to him, and it doesn't make her want to rip her heart out of her chest like it did when they arrived here tonight. She can't think about the fact that maybe one day there will be a different child swinging there, or that maybe she'll manage to ruin this, too and no kids will be swinging there ever again, she only wants to enjoy this night to the fullest, avoiding scary and dark thoughts.
Ellis and Richard have welcomed Derek in stride, David is having a good time, Maggie is her playful self, and Meredith wants to remember this night forever, this feeling of belonging that maybe is the first time in her life that she has ever experienced. For the first time, she doesn't feel like an outsider in the Grey family, and she has only the Shepherd boys to thank for it.
A/N: Whew, that was quite the heavy chapter. I felt like we can finally have Meredith internalize her loss, and while I have never experienced such devastating loss, luckily, I know loss, we all know loss, and that's what I based this on. We know she will never forget, but she's okay continuing her life, and I like the point Mer is at right now. I have a few storylines to wrap up (I can't believe I haven't ever mentioned the trailer in 30 chapters!), but this story is winding down. Last chance to ask what you want to see in it, if there's anything missing from it.
Again, thank you for reading and loving this story. You people are awesome. Enjoy this summer, hopefully it's not scorching hot in your neck of the woods as it is in Italy right now. Either way, I hope summer can bring about more writing. You guys can hope with me.