Hi! It's a little late, but you know, who needs sleep when you're 17 and on the last few days of Christmas Break? Thank you for making it this far in the story! I hope you enjoy. (TW: Mentions of Suicide, Drug abuse, Depression.)
"Sayori... I..." Monika wasn't able to choke out the words that were stuck in her throat, she just stood there, staring at Sayori, the rough rope in her hands digging into her skin as she clenched it tightly, hoping that maybe it would disappear if she just held it hard enough.
Sayori didn't say anything, she just walked into the room, and closed the door behind her, walking past Monika and sitting on her bed, staring at the ground the entire time.
After a minute of awkward, heavy silence, Monika sat next to her. "I... I um... So..." She didn't know what to say. What ARE you supposed to say when you find a fucking noose in your best friends closet? That isn't something she was prepared for, at all. She didn't even... She never even expected to ever have to comfort her because she was upset, she just thought this girl was forever happy...
She had just figured out how ignorant that was.
"I'm... I'm sorry Monika. I was an idiot and didn't hide it good enough and now you're uncomfy..." Sayori said quietly, laughing awkwardly.
Monika just stared in confusion, how could she be apologizing right now? And of all things... She is apologizing for making her uncomfortable? "Sayori..." She dropped the rope, and sat down next to her. She quickly wrapped her arms around her.
And Monika found herself crying on her shoulder as she held her, her eyes shedding more tears in the past three hours than they have in the past three years.
"Monika... Why are you crying?" Sayori asked, confused. She patted her head, smiling despite the circumstance. "Don't be so silly, Moni... There is nothing to cry abo-"
"Shut... Shut up... I know... I know I shouldn't be crying... But... I don't know... What do I say, Sayori? How am I supposed to react? It's not like I was prepared for this!" She held tighter, seemingly believing that the coral haired girl would disappear if she didn't hold on as tight as possible.
"I... I already said I'm sorry Monika..."
"For what? What do you have to be sorry for? It's not like... Sayori please don't tell me... That you were planning..." She couldn't finish her sentence, she was afraid of speaking into existence.
Sayori looked at Monika for a moment, and her smile seemed even more forced than before, "Um... Well, depends," She sighed, patting Monika's back. "Sometimes, I do think about using it. I've had days where... Where... Well, you know. But I've never hung it up, so that's good right? But uh... Most days I don't want to. So no need to worry!"
Monika raised an eyebrow, sniffling and pulling away, "That was very confusing..." Monika said, wiping her nose with her sleeve, "Can you... Perhaps explain that better?" Monika wasn't in the right head space to decipher anything that wasn't direct and simple.
"Oh well um..." Sayori dropped her smile, and her face just... Fell. For the first time, Monika saw a tear slip down her face. Sayori quickly wiped it away and hide her face. "I... Monika..." Now Sayori started crying too. She fell back into Monika's chest and began letting her tears fall, staining the Kimono Monika wore.
Monika's tears had started to cease, as now she realized that she shouldn't be the one breaking down, that she needed to be strong and to act like an adult, and let Sayori be the one to cry and be hurt, because this wasn't about Monika. No, not at all.
"Shhh... It's okay," Monika purred, running her fingers through the silky coral hair of her crush. "It's okay, I'm here for you... I'm always here for you," She whispered, nuzzling her head.
"D-Do... Do you mean that...? Do you really mean that? Or is... Is it just a lie? Is it just a lie to make me feel better?" Sayori picked her head up, her tear filled, ocean blue eyes connecting with Monika's emerald green gems.
"Sayori... Of course I mean that... I want you with me as long as I can have you... You are my best friend, and that is no lie. You make me feel so happy. Leaving you and letting you be sad would hurt me so much..." She whispered, pressing her forehead against Sayori's.
"I... I want to believe you... I do... But I'm scared Monika... I'm scared because if you leave I don't know if the little bit of will I have will be here anymore..." She whimpered, unable to control her sobs.
Monika frowned, and furrowed her brow. "Don't say stupid things like that, you don't need to rely on me for happiness... That is just as bad as not having anything at all. Not that you need to worry, but even if I somehow left your life? You have Yuri, and Natsuki. They are your friends, remember? And I know it may be hard to think, but they care about you too. So many people love you, so don't say silly things like that..." She scolded lightly, receiving a small nod from Sayori.
She didn't know if that was the right thing to say, but she didn't know much about saying the right thing at the right time. She did know, though, that she couldn't let Sayori build some sort of emotional reliance on her, she knew that was unhealthy.
"Yo-Yo... How about," She pushed her away slightly, "You talk to me about why I found that in your closet, okay? And help me understand why you feel this way. Talking helps, and I want to help you by letting you help yourself." She patted her cheek.
Sayori sniffled, "Okay..." She backed off, and curled her knees to her chest, "I um... I well... I guess to say it bluntly, I've had severe depression for... A lot of my life. And I guess the point when it started was when my parents... Well... Those people you met earlier? They are my adoptive parents. So, that is why they look so different than me..." Monika's eyes widened at the new information that was told to her.
Did she not notice that they looked nothing alike? Or did it just go completely over her head?
Wait... If she was adopted...
"Anyways... It all started when my parents left me. My mother had issues with drug abuse after father lost his job, and what little money we had was spent on feeding into her and eventually my fathers addictions. So, when I was 9 my biological parents thought it would be better for me, or rather, them if I was out of the picture. They didn't have use for a child who they had to support through school and feed..." Sayori had stopped crying, and her eyes just seemed... Empty. Everything about her was... Eerie, and so so out of character for her. It scared Monika, it scared her so much.
"So I went into foster care for a couple years, went through a few homes... Then Mr. and Mrs. Takahashi took me in... And even though I had found a nice family... I had found people who... Wanted to give me... Affection and love... I couldn't... I didn't feel happy. At all. What was going to stop them from leaving me like my biological parents did? What stops them from just... Giving up on me...?"
Monika blinked, and she nodded. Her mind was processing everything in her mind, trying not to break down again like a child. She needed to be strong, she needed to be strong for her.
Although, it's hard not to be utterly shocked learning about all of this. Learning that all this pain and suffering was going on under the surface of someone she viewed as happy as they come, blissfully so. She never saw her cry, she never saw her sad. And she saw all of it, tenfold right in front of her. It was so hard for her to comprehend, and she didn't have time to. She was feeling her heartbeat increase, her palms sweaty. What if she said something that spurred on her depression? What if she said or did something that made everything worse?
She was scared, and she didn't know what to do.
"So... Eventually... I just started faking it. Faking being happy. Like you always say, right? Fake it till you make it... I just... Wanted to make everyone else happy.. And well, that in turn made me feel... Well, it made me feel like I wasn't worthless. It made me feel... Something! You know? And I kept doing it, I just wanted to make everyone happy. I just wanted to make everyone smile, so I smiled. So I acted silly and did stuff so I would make people laugh... Even if it was at my expense, I didn't care. I just wanted everyone to be happy. But... Every day... I came home... And I had nothing to smile about anymore...
"But then I joined the literature club. And I met Yuri, and Natsuki... And of course, you... And I.. I had friends... People that... Liked me more than just what I did. They liked... Me. You like... Me. Not the goofy persona, but me... And I... It made me so happy... I smiled so much, even at home I smiled. But... Soon even that faded, and my mind was plagued with the thoughts that... In reality, you all hated me and just pitied me. I felt conflicted, you know? And I didn't know what to do. And... That's when I made the noose. I didn't plan on using it, I just... I made it just in case. Just in case... Something happened and I lost everything, I wouldn't have to feel that pain... That pain I felt all those years ago... Again..."
Monika took that as the last of Sayori's rant, and she nodded. "Sayori," She grabbed her hand, and put it on her chest, right on her heart. "Do you feel that? That slow, soft melody? It's my heartbeat. It's my heart, and it beats for you. It beats because I have friends like you. It beats because I have YOU as a friend... You make a difference on my life. You make me happy, so happy. And not because you act silly, not because you make me laugh... But because you are a genuine, sweet, and caring person who selflessly sacrifices herself for the sake of others. Your biological parents, sorry to say it, can go piss off and keel over in a ditch for all I care. You are better than them, your adoptive parents are better than them. Your friends are better than them. Don't put us in the same category as those... Those bastards. We aren't going to leave you, we aren't going to abandon you. You mean too much to each and every one of us. Got it?"
Monika squeezed Sayori's hand harder, her eyes edging with tears. "Don't do something stupid... And take you away from us. I can't... I can't imagine life without you Sayori. No, I can actually. It'll just be back to my pathetic, sad life filled with fake friends and loneliness. You, Sayori, you made me a better person. You've helped me open up to people and trust them, so please," She pulled her into another hug, "Don't be a silly girl and do something silly..."
Sayori's arms laid at her side, trying herself to take in all of what Monika had just said.
It was silent, the room quiet and filled with a mix of dread and fear of what was next.
"Let go, Monika," Sayori said in a blunt tone.
"Sayori wh-"
"I said let me go. Please." She said it, this time in a softer tone.
Monika obliged, albeit unwillingly. As she let her go, she got off of her bed and bent down, picking up the crude knot in her soft, silky hands.
Monika watched as she slowly unwound the rope, the rugged material falling as it became less and less tight. Soon, she untied it completely, smiling as she stretched out the rope. "See? No need to worry about it anymore! It is gone," She went to her window, opened it, and tossed it outside. "Now someone else can use it! Maybe for something like teaching a kid to tie their shoes!" She giggled, and Monika shook her head. This is the only girl on the planet that can go from having that conversation to giggling and smiling.
"Hey, Moni?" Sayori, looked away, her face tinting red. "You know... Earlier you said something about I shouldn't get too emotionally attached to you?" Sayori bit the inside of her cheek, leaving Monika confused.
"Uh... Yeah, I only said it all of five minutes ago. And I kinda meant it..." She looked at her, her eyes studying the coral haired girl with suspicion. "What does that have to do with anything?"
Sayori stepped forward again, smirking. "Well... Because I don't want you to be mad," She said quietly, getting in front of the brunette. "When I do something silly... Like this..." She leaned down, and pressed her soft lips against Monika's.
Monika's green eyes shot open, her body jolting in response to the tenderness of Sayori's lips pressing against her own. How... She had just figured out she liked girls barely four hours ago, how had she managed to be kissing one already? Life has a weird sense of humor.
Sayori began to pull away.
'Nope get back here, I'm not finishing my first kiss that quick' She thought in her mind as she pulled her back in, this time kissing back as her eyes closed, catching the coral haired girl presumably off guard.
She kissed her, for just a few more seconds before letting her go this time. Sayori looked even more confused than Monika was, and Sayori was the one who initiated the kiss.
"Hehe~ Bet you didn't expect me to kiss you back, did ya?" She brought her close and nuzzled her, pulling her into a hug.
"No... No I didn't..." She responded quietly, rubbing Monika's back. "Why... Why did you kiss back?" She asked, puzzled.
"Why did you kiss me in the first place?" Monika countered, which made Sayori roll her eyes.
"Because I like you... More than... More than a friend... I guess... No... I know," Sayori said, and sighed, "I know, that was a dumb question. I guess I'm still having issues thinking people actually... Like me..." Sayori responded sourly.
Monika's face turned even more red, and her heart burst in her chest. But, that response was bittersweet. It was what she wanted to hear, yet at the same time it was something she didn't. "Dummy... I do like you. A lot."
Sayori looked at Monika, her eyes shimmering in the moonlight that peaked through the window, "Do you promise, Monika? Do you promise that you mean that?"
Monika reached to the lamp to turn it off, and nodded. "Of course, I promise. I promise it to you, Sayori."
And that was all she needed to hear, before the coral haired girl finally crawled into bed, and Monika followed. Sayori quickly migrated into Monika's arms, and Monika wrapped her arms around her, smiling.
"Night, Yo-Yo."
"Goodnight... Moni..."
Hi! I really hope you enjoyed, I know this was pretty heavy, and was probably not written the best. But, I tried and that's all that matters. It's also rather short, but I think that if I stuffed more words into this, it would have been trashy. So, I hope that it made you feel everything I was trying to make you feel. Also, thank you all so much for the sweet comments, you all really make me so happy! Anyways, as per usual, leave a comment with any praises, critiques, or whatever you want. Or don't! Anyways, have a lovely day/night. And thank you for reading Chapter 8 of Deserving.