Author's Note: It's been a while! I'm finally getting around to writing Ulquiorra's past! This chapter is written in the POV of Ulquiorra himself and the majority of Ulquiorra's human life takes place in Japan around the year 1700 during the Tokugawa Era. This whole section is entirely fictional and is not based off actual events in Japanese history. There was no Raikuro, Onitentei Clan, Kentaro Toshimoto, Hiroto Kiragawa, or Tsubaki Kiragawa. I just thought it might interesting to add my own take on things to give Ulquiorra an interesting history. I hope you guys like it!
I can feel it loosening. The chains around my consciousness are lifting and a flurry of vibrant flashbacks begins to flow freely through my vision, like a trapped river pushing through the barricade of a dam.
Familiar images keep flashing across my mind. They are blurry and intangible at first and I try to make sense of what my mind is trying to show me. So many figures, so many voices, so many faces… Scenes from a play begin to unfold, shards of my past assembling together and seizing my attention. The sounds of Aizen-sama's voice no longer reaches my ears, fading into nothingness as I solely focus on the story unraveling before me.
Before I know it I can see a burning house as its flames lick the sky and a thick, gray smoke suffocates the air around me. I can hear voices…Voices of pain and suffering while the taste of ash burns the back of my throat. And I can even feel tears as they drench my cheeks, only the tears do not belong to me but to a frail woman as she flings her arms around my neck, her breath tickling my ear as she quietly instructs me to run.
The gears in my head begin to turn as I slowly recall the fragments of scattered memories. They all seem to fit together perfectly as if they belong to a massive puzzle. If I can just rearrange the pieces in the proper order then I can make sense of all these intense sensations that are embedded into my consciousness. I feel a huge tug at the back of mind as the final seal on my memory is released. Yes, I can see it now. I can see the memories of a forgotten past that I had cast away from my heart long ago…I…I can feel my human memories.
My name was Raikuro Shizu and I was the son of a poor farming family. My village was rather miniscule in comparison to other villages, composing of approximately twelve different families, but we all lived happily in the middle of the country side. We didn't have a lot of money but we fared off just fine by growing our own crops. I can remember the warmth of my mother's gentle embrace and the loud, hearty laughter of my father whenever he told a humorous joke. I remember the happiness that surrounded my life in that village, the smiling faces of my neighbors and taste of my mother's delicious cooking each and every night. But… I also remember the day that happiness ended-the day when a clan of barbarians ransacked our village.
I remember looking out the window of our small cottage and wondering why there was a thick, black cloud shielding the sun. My village was bursting with flames and I could see giant, burly men beating down my neighbors with their fists and slicing them in two with their blades of steel. I was so young then—a boy of ten years old—that I couldn't comprehend why anyone could be heartless enough to desecrate our entire village until there was nothing left. We were so small and poor that we had nothing to offer the thieves but our women and children; and thus, the hideous clan of bandits set our homes aflame and slaughtered our men. My father was beheaded right before my very eyes as he struggled to protect me; that was the first time I had ever seen death. The caliber of the devastation was simply too much for me to assimilate at the time and all I could do was idly stand by and watch as my father's headless form slumped to the ground. His head rolled over to my feet and I remember choking on my own bile as I saw his empty eyes staring back at me. Before long I looked up at my father's murderer through hazy eyes and watched the widening of the barbaric man's maniacal grin. He didn't raise his sword at me nor threaten me with promises of death. Instead, he simply roared out, "You will never forget the day the Onitentei Clan attacked! May our name continue to bring fear to those who dare to stand against us!"
The next thing I remember is my mother dragging me away from the burning village in attempts flee unnoticed. My mind was blank and all I could do was focus on steadying my breathing. Regrettably, we didn't make it far before one of the thieves caught up to us. My mother held me close, her wet tears soaking my ashen cheeks before she urged me to leave her and escape with my life while she held off the barbarian. With nothing but a wooden shovel to defend herself, my mother stood in front of me before she continuously began shouting at me to run.
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, leaves crunching under my feet as I raced towards the woods. I had been so certain my mother would be able to knock him out cold with the shovel and that she would rejoin me shortly. My throat was dry and many severe burns made the nerves in my feet fall into a frenzy. I didn't look back as I exclusively focused on running as fast I could away from the bandits, away from my disintegrated home, and away from the pain and suffering.
My mother never joined me.
I wandered through the woods for days, cowering in fear every time I heard the sound of snapping twigs for the chance that one of the bandits had trailed after me. Hunger consumed me and my feet were so swollen with blisters that I felt they were going to rot off; part of me wished that they would so I would no longer be burdened with the pain of them. If it wasn't for a lone ronin that discovered my weary, unconscious body then I would have faded into oblivion, joining my parents in the afterlife. Kentaro Toshimoto was his name and he rescued me and took me in, providing me with food and medicine for my infected burns. My heart had shattered from the traumatization of the destruction of my home and family, but Toshimoto encouraged me to harden my heart and use my pain and suffering as a motive for revenge. The Onitentei were notorious across the land, I soon learned, and my village was one of the many towns that fell victim to their merciless hands.
Toshimoto never smiled and never told me what compelled him to rescue me in the woods that day but I was forever in debt to his kindness. Once I had regained my strength, Toshimoto taught me the way of the sword, providing me with the necessary swordsmanship skills so that I would be able to properly defend myself against further assailants. The training was vigilant and tough; many days my body had more bruises than the amount of hairs on my head. But my heart had already settled on seeking revenge; to bring down the clan of bandits that ripped my family from me and sabotaged my happiness. My family could not be avenged until every last one of the Onitentei paid for their crimes with their lives.
Many years I trained underneath Toshimoto, honing my swordsman ships. Toshimoto was a ronin—a former samurai without a master to serve. He had retired from his services to his master, Lord Kiragawa, since his age was hindering his skills. He was growing older and knew that one day he would no longer be a useful swordsman so he felt the dire need to pass down his knowledge of the sword to an apprentice—me. I had no desire to become a samurai since defeating the Onitentei was my only reason for existence so I often felt that Toshimoto was wasting his time. And yet, he continued to train me.
When I was around the age of seventeen, Toshimoto and I temporarily parted ways. My path was leading me to finally seek out the Onitentei and carry out my purpose. Part of me anticipated that I would die during my journey and I sourly accepted that, and yet, thoughts of achieving my bitter revenge almost made me grow stronger and swifter.
It took years but I sought them out, each and every member. They were not too difficult to find—all I needed to do was follow the path of destruction that followed them with every footstep. Several of them had marked a village towards the east as their headquarters where they focused on recruiting new members to their insidious clan. All the nearby villages had been burnt down to the ground in which I could only assume that those poor natives had refused to comply with their demands, just as my village did many years ago. I had sealed my emotions away in order to solely thrive off the burning hatred that burned in my soul; a hatred that was being fueled with every passing moment.
I will never forget their facial expressions when I first discovered one of their headquarters. Their smiling faces, twisted with arrogance and mockery, didn't remain intact for long once I drew out my sword. I had never killed before so the moment I saw the crimson liquid trickle down from my blade after the first kill had me almost startled at just how easy it was to take a life, and it startled me even more when I realized just how little it affected me.
All of my hard training had paid off; one by one the Onitentei fell to my sword. I remember I never even batted an eye whenever they fell on their hands and knees, begging for mercy. They certainly did not offer my family any sympathy so the only thing I provided them with was the taste of metal as my blade sliced through their flesh. I had never realized just how weak criminals were against someone who had locked their heart away; against someone who survived off the desire for revenge. I had nothing to lose but everything to gain. It was an empty existence, constantly seeking out the murderous criminals, but vengeance was the only thing that kept me persevering. I assumed that if I had died along the way, my parents would still be proud for at least taking down some of those inhuman bastards.
It took me two years to track down each and every one of the bandits that composed of the Onitentei Clan. I eventually got to the point where I killed anyone who stood in my way, even those who had been taken hostage by the barbarians. My hands were stained with the blood of seventy bandits, each one a victim to my sword. Ever since I had trained under Toshimoto and listened to his teachings about the importance of vengeance, I had truly believed that avenging my parents' deaths would bring me peace. What I hadn't anticipated was the emptiness it had brought me when the final member of the Onitentei fell. Ironically, my last victim was the man who killed my father; a fitting end to my murderous endeavors. As I watched the eyes roll in the back of his head, I felt just as stiff and frozen as his corpse as it rested by my feet.
My vengeance was complete. My journey was over. I had nothing left to live for; nothing more to motivate me to continue on. Revenge did not bring me peace…all it brought me was the realization that I would never see my mother nor father again. That I would never feel my mother's embrace nor hear my father's deep laughter.
With nothing left to exist for, I found myself returning to Toshimoto once again. He was astonished that I had single-handedly taken down the entire Onitentei clan and he encouraged me to not let my impeccable swordsmanship skills go to waste. Toshimoto insisted that I follow in his footsteps and achieve status as an honorable samurai underneath his former master, the daimyo of our providence. His daimyo, Lord Hiroto Kiragawa, had heard news of my victory over the Onitentei Clan. Those dishonorable bastards had made quite the ruckus all over Japan, known for their ruthless massacres and conniving thievery attempts on all of the Japanese domains. Lord Kiragawa demanded that I become his personal bodyguard and dedicate my entire being to his purpose.
My life had no meaning since my revenge had been carried out. I obliged to his demands that I dedicate myself to his cause, but…but only if I had known the future troubles my servitude to him would have cost me… and what it would have cost her.
Hiroto Kiragawa was a devious man. Fat, plump, and wealthy beyond your wildest dreams, he ruled a major realm of the land and even though he had money overflowing from his pockets, it was never enough to satisfy him. He demanded high taxes from the poor and ordered to have peasants hung on the spot if they did not comply with his taxation demands. The capital must have turned a blind eye on Lord Kiragawa's actions since the Shogunate never once demanded that he cease his senseless atrocities. They simply allowed him to carry out his relentless orders that ripped away at the inhabitants of his domain piece by piece. During my first few years of serving underneath Lord Kiragawa, my blade never crossed paths with any of the innocent villagers but the blood remained on my hands ever the same. I was just as guilty as Lord Kiragawa by choosing to look the other way; by choosing to allow such a beastly man to survive. I worked obediently alongside Lord Kiragawa, protecting him from assassins and anyone else who dared to question his authority. I simply followed orders and never bothered to rise against him.
During that time, my world was dark and overcast with shadows of my past. Ice cold blood coursed through my veins and my soul was as empty as a bottomless pit. I was exempt from feeling pity on the poor peasants Lord Kiragawa tore to pieces. It was as if I was merely just a shell; a vassal for my daimyo's use. A great famine was overtaking Lord Kiragawa's providence and the land reeked of death. I killed many assassins who tried to end his reign of terror, and thinking back now, I really should have just let them do away with him. But I was so caught up in my own adversity that I could not see the salvation that the townspeople desperately needed; a salvation that only could be brought with Lord Kiragawa's extraction from his jurisdiction. But I continued to follow orders, never daring to question anything in life.
And then….I saw her.
The most beautiful maiden in all of Japan, a woman's who's eyes sparkled like two amethyst gems. A woman who's lips were redder than wine and skin softer than the petals of a cherry blossom. I remember the first time I saw Tsubaki Kiragawa, the beautiful daughter of the monstrous Hiroto Kiragawa. She was never permitted outside her father's castle and she was just as much a slave to him as all of his samurai were. She always remained in the garden, tending to the flowers. I had heard many of the other castle guards refer to the lovely maiden as Lady Tsubaki. I often made rounds around the castle to ensure my lord's sanctuary was safe, and I always took notice of Lady Tsubaki's gentle expression as she cared for the flowers whenever I passed her by. It was her smile that drew me towards her; a smile that gleamed through the clouds of darkness and made the sun shimmer through the castle walls. She occasionally sang to herself as she meandered through the garden, her long, pink kimono sleeves swaying with her movements as she danced and hummed to herself. I had always admired her beauty from the distance, always silently wishing that I, too, could find ways to smile at something as simple as a budding flower. But my hands were just far too dirty for me to ever consider trying to speak with a woman with such a delicate song voice. I was not worthy of her company; not worthy of her words.
That is, until she called out to me.
Out of the blue one day, Lady Tsubaki called out to me and urged me to enjoy a cup of tea with her. She had informed me that she had seen me go out of my way to sneak through the gardens and keep watch. She knew I had purposely wandered through the compound in hopes of catching a glimpse of her but she was more than flattered by the notion that I would take the time to admire her features then bothered by my actions. After our first day of conversing with one another, I began making it a habit of speaking to her a little each day. All of the other samurai that Lord Hiragawa had hired did not dare to go near the beautiful daughter of their master out of fear that they would be stepping out of bounds and punished. As for myself, I did not care. Lady Tsubaki always provided me with delightful conversation, filling my ears with stories of her life in the castle. She had been desperate for companionship, with nothing but the flowers to keep her sanity in check until I engaged in brief conversations with her on a daily basis.
Even now I can remember the sweet sound of her laughter as she told me stories of all the mischief she had caused for her servants when she was an infant. I never added much to the discussion as I found myself preferring to listen to the chiming of her serene voice. I remember looking forward to visiting her in the garden and I remember the deep sense of loneliness that grew in my chest whenever I had to temporarily leave the castle on an assigned mission. We grew closer and closer every day and the more time I spent with her, the more I noticed something about her-she was sick.
Lady Tsubaki had a frail body. Her heart was weak and she often had a hard time catching her breath. Some days she would not even be in the garden as she found herself too weak to even stand. It was sad to see such an upbeat, optimistic spirit dwelling within a weak, fragile body. It pained my soul to see her whenever she crouched over in pain, gasping for breath as her maidservants fetched her medicine. There was nothing I could do to help her delicate body but at least my very presence was enough to keep her smiling through the days.
"Who knows how long I'll live," Lady Tsubaki once told me, her eyes cast downward as her gaze refused to meet my own. "I could live for another ten years. Another ten months. Another ten weeks… The doctors have simply told me to live life peacefully and avoid straining my heart." Even though she knew her life would eventually fade away, like a blossom's petals fading in the winter, she continued to smile. She continued to spend time with me as if nothing else mattered to her.
I remember the first time Lady Tsubaki leaned into me for a kiss after confessing that she had acquired a deep attraction for me. As to why such a lovely maiden chose I, the son of a poor farming family and the one responsible for nearly one hundred deaths, I will never know but she did so just the same. Naturally, I had fallen for the ever caring and tender Tsubaki Kiragawa. The emptiness in my chest had slowly began to fill, emotions spilling over the edges of my soul as I found myself drowning in adoration for my spring flower. Her health was unpredictable; she could wilt away at any point in time and yet I still held onto the hope that she could be the one to eternally make me happy. Being a samurai, the duration of my life was unpredictable as well. I could die by the hands of Lord Kiragawa's enemies at any moment; such was the life of a warrior. Tsubaki and I both knew that a long, prosper life together was far out of our reach and yet neither of us cared. She had shown me what it was like to smile. She had shown me how to laugh. She had shown me how to love.
…..and she had shown me how to suffer.
Months passed and seasons began to change. I had been instructed to spend the majority of my time inside the castle walls which suited me just fine. Tsubaki and I were like a pair of mischiveious infants when we were together. We would sneak around the palace compound, finding secluded rooms for us to engage in romantic activities. Tsubaki was the only one who could make me grin from ear to ear and the only one who could set my soul on fire. I was only truly alive when I was with her but I wondered just how long this happiness would last. When it all came down to it, I was still a samurai and Lord Kiragawa would have had my head if he had found out about our misgrievances. In addition to that problem, there was still the issue that I was a tool in my lord's master scheme. My master could instruct me to leave the castle grounds at any moment to end the lives of the innocent and failing to do so would result in my immediate beheading. Whenever I looked into those violet hues of Tsubaki's eyes, I was reminded of my fate and every time she clutched her chest in severe bursts of pain, she was reminded of her own fate.
I wanted to resign as a samurai but I knew I couldn't just surrender my title as Lord Kiragawa's most trusted samurai—it would be dishonorable, no matter how cruel and unnecessary Lord Kiragawa's orders were. I knew my days of happiness with my lover were severely numbered, and any day I would leave the castle, only to return with bloodstained hands from mercilessly killing those who did not deserve it.
Such defiled hands would not be pure enough to caress Lady Tsubaki in the moonlight. The spirits of the Onitentei Clan always hung over my shoulder, whispering curses to me as I slept, and to hear the voices of the innocent along with theirs would be a burden that I alone should bear. I wanted to be free from killing. I never wanted to feel the icicles of the frozen heart that Tsubaki had melted with her smile…
…and then the orders came.
It was a harsh winter and the inhabitants of Lord Kiragawa's domain were finding it hard to pay for taxes. I was ordered to kill anyone who dared to speak out against Lord Kiragawa. As much as it pained me, I did as I was told. Five men fell to my blade…then ten…then twenty…Soon, I couldn't even count the number of men who met with a terrible fate against my blade. I was just as tainted and corrupt as the Onitentei bandits had been, and I tried to console myself by saying that if I failed to kill them, another guard would take my place as their killer. I tried to give them a swift, painless death but the pleading expression in their eyes as my blade collided with their skin never left my dreams, forever embedded into my memory.
My heart was icing over again. The frost was threatening to freeze it solid and not even Tsubaki's voice could sooth it. I tried to forget my sins as I lay nestled in Tsubaki's arms, begging her for forgiveness. She never once judged me for my actions. She would simply hold me in her arms, stroking my dark hair, and telling me that her father was the one to blame, not I. She had constantly urged me to flee with her and escape those castle walls. She spoke of a future where we could both live in harmony, free from the turmoil of killing and away from Lord Kiragawa.
Oh, how I wanted to leave. There was nothing more that I desired in life than to free myself from the shackles of Lord Kiragawa's rule and to begin my life anew. I wanted to abandon the old Raikuro and become an entirely new person; someone who didn't dare touch a sword. I wanted to reach out and find more doctors that would have a cure for Tsubaki's illness so that she, too, might live a long life free from pain.
But such a future wouldn't come. It just simply couldn't. If Tsubaki and I fled the castle walls, it would be a matter of time before Lord Kiragawa's men hunted us down. And due to her declining health, chances of her surviving a long trip would be slim. Her body just wouldn't be able to withstand the journey. There was no future for us beyond Lord Kiragawa's castle. There was nothing we could do. Our fates were sealed and all that was left for us to do was to await our bitter end.
Times began to change once again as news of Lord Kiragawa's uncanny leadership began to spread across the land like a virus. Rumors about how the Shogun were simply turning a blind eye on the catastrophe that Lord Kiragawa had inflicted upon his domain began to stir up tension with all of the other territories. It didn't take long for natives of Japan to begin questioning the Shogunate's authority over letting such a beastly man continue to rule over a providence. Lord Kiragawa had instilled fear and disgust across the land with his barbaric acts and soon the Shogunate decided that they would no longer tolerate his devious sovereignty. The elite members of the Shogun had ordered their strongest warriors to take down Lord Kiragawa and burn his castle to the ground, leaving no survivors.
I remember the morning of the attack clearly. I remember standing in the garden with Lady Tsubaki,watching the sunrise together with fingers entwined in one another. I remember Lady Tsubaki resting her head on my shoulder, her breathing steady, as she whispered two words to me.
"I'm pregnant."
She was with child. My child. That was when everything in my life began to undergo drastic changes. Inside the womb of my lover rested a beautiful, blameless child. Surely Lady Tsubaki and I would both be in severe trouble if her father had found out she had been impregnated by one of his trusted servants. But most pressing issue was the question on whether or not Tsubaki was healthy enough to give birth. I had no time to express my thoughts or opinions on the matter as her serene voices intercepted my thoughts.
"There's a doctor in a neighboring domain. He specializes in bizarre illness cases and I have been exchanging letters with him in secret for a long time. He has acquired exotic medicines from overseas that he strongly believes can strengthen my failing heart," she stated as her hand began to caress her abdomen with slow, gentle movements. "If we make haste, I believe we can make it to his home in three days. He said the medicine won't harm the baby but it might can make me completely healthy."
My head began to spin as my heart thumped loudly against my chest. This was it, I had thought, this was the opportunity we had been waiting for! A happy future was within our finger tips, tickling our palms and reminding us that hope was always there. All we had to do was reach out and grasp it.
"We must leave at once," I told my love, scooping her hands in mine and gazing into her eyes. "Gather as much food and medicine that you can carry. I will clear a path for us by the back gate by luring the guards with false information on an intruder. Meet me at the back gate in just a few moments," I instructed her, my eyes boring into hers as I pressed my lips against her fingers.
Instead of immediately doing as I told, Lady Tsubaki met my gaze with a playful smile. "Lisanthia," she simply said. My brow raised slowly in a perplexed motion, confused by her sudden outburst.
"Lisanthia!" she said once again, a twinkle forming in her violet eyes, "Lisanthia is going to be her name. It sounds like "lisianthus", which is my favorite flower."
I found myself smiling at her words. "And what if it's a boy?" I asked, a slight mock to my tone as I dropped my hands to my side.
"Something tells me that it's not going to be a boy! I can just feel it," she responded with a bright, cheerful smile as she pivoted on her heels to walk away. "Lisanthia and I will wait by the back gate for you, Raikuro." She gave me one quick glance over her shoulder before dashing off, her black hair flowing behind her like black, velvet drapes in the moonlight.
"…Lisanthia," I mumbled to myself as I watched my lover disappear into the darkness of the hallway. It was a unique name—it sounded completely Western, almost—but it was a name I could get used to saying for the rest of my life. Tsubaki's smile had raised the dark curtains over my eyes but it was the existence of Lisanthia that made me realize that my life was no longer just my own. I was going to have a child; a beautiful, smiling daughter. Lisanthia was a flower that had bloomed in the shadows of this era; a flower that I was going to protect no matter what the cost. I wasn't going to let her be trampled. I wasn't going to let her suffer the same traumatic childhood as I. No, she was going to live a full life alongside her mother and I; a life where smiles and laughter would ring through the air every day and night. She wasn't going to be confined to these castle walls as her mother and she wasn't going to be condemned to suffer the consequences of her grandfather's tyranny.
I let my eyes close for a moment as I pictured what my darling Lisanthia would look like in her years to come—a beautiful, kindhearted maiden with hair as long as luscious as her mother's and a smile as bright as the sun in the sky. I held onto that vision, forever embedding it into my mind before my eyes fluttered open once again. I began to make my way towards the back gate, planning on how I could cause a diversion so that Tsubaki, Lisanthia, and I could all escape.
And then I heard a blood-curdling scream that pierced through the silence, shattering the stillness of the night and crushing my hope with its resounding echo.
"We're under attack! The castle in under attack! The Shogun is striking back!"
I could hear the shouts of my fellow comrades throughout the compound as a cold chill darted down my spine. It all happened so quickly that even now, with my memories completely unlocked, I still have a hard time recalling every detail of that night. Warriors of the shogun ambushed Lord Kiragawa's castle, surrounding every exit so that no one could escape. They burst through the castle gates within minutes, flooding the compound with their strength as they combatted against Lord Kiragawa's men. Flashes of steel could be seen all around me, clashing with the swords of my comrades. I dared not join them in battle; I had far more important priorities than engaging in battle to protect the castle. I needed to find my lover and find her fast.
I fled the scene of the battle, dashing down the hallways of the castle in search of my Tsubaki. Luck was shining down upon me on that fateful morning since I found my lover with ease as she hid in her room, fervently packing up a bag.
"Tsubaki!" I cried out, rushing to her side, "The shogun have ordered that Lord Kiragawa's castle be demolished and that none may escape with their lives." I quickly scooped up her hands in my own, eyes boring into hers for a moment as I drew in a breath of air. "There are guards blocking every exit but I might be able to hold off some of the guards long enough for you to escape."
As her gaze met with mine, I had never seen her lavender eyes fill with so much fear and uncertainty. "But what about you?" she simply asked through quivering lips as she squeezed the hands that held hers.
I paused for a moment, lips pursed together in a neat, neutral line, as I turned my attention to the floor. Although Lord Kiragawa was the monster responsible for the devastation that had been cast upon his land, the shogun would want everyone associated with him to be punished for his crimes as well—servants, guards, and even family members. Tsubaki Kiragawa would be forced to pay for her father's sins as well and she would be met with a cruel beheading if she was found by a guard. If the two of us left together, they would indisputably make chase and hunt us down if they spotted us sneaking away.
I would need to stay. With my remarkable swordsmanship skills, I could doubtlessly handle many of the shogun's warriors and make sure none of them tried to stop Tsubaki from leaving. I could hold them off and draw as much attention to myself as possible so that Tsubaki could quietly sneak away and take refuge in the woods. If all eyes were on me then surely no one would notice her.
But I? I did not deserve to escape unharmed. I committed countless murders and I would never be free from the voices of my victims as their cries of terror haunted my soul. I didn't deserve a happy life with my love and my bloodstained hands were not worthy enough to hold my baby Lisanthia once she came into this world. My future of being with her was nothing but a dream; a dream that would provide no redemption for my crimes.
If I wanted to be cleansed of my sins, I would need to kill Lord Kiragawa with my own blade. I would need to slit his throat and end his reign of terror. I couldn't run away from my transgressions but Tsubaki didn't need to suffer on my account. She was as pure and blameless as snow and I would lay my life down to make sure she wouldn't face a bitter end the way Lord Kiragawa and I both deserved.
"My love, I need you to listen to me very carefully," I told her as I pulled her close to me, "I will first clear a path for you towards the exit and I want you to hide in the bushes towards the back gate until I give you the signal. Do not try to flee through the exit until I give you the signal—there are probably plenty more guards waiting directly outside the castle." My voice was calm and stern but I could feel the reluctance rising in Tsubaki as I continued on with my instructions.
"I will then cause a diversion. Lord Kiragawa is probably in his bed chambers, hiding behind his samurai like the coward he is. I will personally retrieve him and trick him into thinking I will escort him to safety but instead I will bring him to the courtyard towards the entrance of the castle. All of the guards will turn their attention towards Lord Kiragawa and attempt to kill him themselves so that they will receive the honor of personally ending his treachery. I will shout out a phrase—'Never again will Lord Kiragawa terrorize the land'-to seize the eyes of all the guards. That will be your cue to slowly slink out of the castle gate and retreat unnoticed. You must quietly walk—not run-until you reach the woods. If you see a guard, crouch down and remain perfectly still—it is still too dark for them to see. As long as you don't make any sudden movements, you should go undiscovered." I stated as I released her.
A katana resting in the back corner of the room fell into my line of vision and I quickly reached for its hilt before handing it to her. "Use this for protection. If someone happens to spot you, don't hesitate to strike."
She quickly shook her head, refusing to take the sword that was offered to her. "N-No!" She mumbled, eyes hazy with tears. "I won't leave without you!"
My expression softened as I forced a reassuring smile to form upon my lips. "You needn't worry, my dear. Once I have defeated as many of the guards as I can, I will rejoin you. I want you to make haste for the doctor in the neighboring village. You have the map and instructions on how to get to his home, do you not? I will meet you along the way."
Her expression, confused and hesitant, made my chest feel heavy. Deep down we both knew that I was not going to reunite with her but if I didn't comfort her with words of illusive promises, I knew she would never heed my orders. There was no point in both of us dying here and now she was with child. If there was a chance that Tsubaki and Lisanthia could leave this castle unharmed, I was willing to seize that opportunity—even at the cost of my own life. "Think of Lisanthia," I said as I bent down to place a gentle hand atop of her abdomen. "You must leave here with her, not just for your sake but for hers as well."
"B-but Raikuro…I love you. What if you happen to get struck down by one of the warriors?" Tsubaki whimpered softly as she warily took the katana from my hand.
With a confident smirk, I reached out to ruffle the black, silky hair on the top of her head. "Who do you think you're talking to? I single-handedly took down the entire Onitentei Clan. The shogun's buffoons are nothing compared to the skill and strength of my sword." I reassured her once again with feigned arrogance. My words must have touched her since I could see her shoulders relax ever so lightly at my statement.
"Did you bring enough food for the journey?" I asked her as I watched her throw a few more things into a small, portable bag. She weakly nodded and I gently took her hand, leading her down the hallway. We crept along the hallways quietly, careful as to not bring any unwanted attention to ourselves as we headed for the back gate. In one hand I tenderly held my lover's and in my other hand rested my unsheathed sword, ready to slash at anyone who stood in our way.
It didn't take long for an ambush of the shogun's warriors to find us tiptoeing through the compound. They tried to surround us but were no match for my relentless sword. A pang of remorse hit me in my chest, not for the loss of the enemy soldiers, but for the fact that my beloved Tsubaki had to lay her eyes on a merciless man who sliced through the throats of those soldiers. I had never wanted her to see me in my coldhearted, warrior-like state but I had no choice. If seeing me slaughter ten men bothered her, she never let on as she simply followed me with a blank expression.
I continued to slash through any soldiers who stood in our way until I was certain the backgate was fairly clear. "Wait here," I commanded as I instructed Tsubaki to crouch down behind a bush. "Don't make a sound and don't move until you hear my signal. I will make sure my voice is loud and clear so you will know when it's time to quietly leave. Once you reach the woods, I want you to run. Run as fast as your legs can carry you."
"W-Wait, Raikuro!" Tsubaki whispered through the night air as she stood on her tiptoes to plant a gentle kiss upon my lips. I stood there for a moment, reveling in the warmth of her tender kiss until she pulled away.
"Please, Raikuro… Be careful," she said, her voice barely above a mumble as she fought back the tears that tugged at the corner of her eyes. "Lisanthia and I will see you soon."
I, too, struggled with the whirling vortex of pained emotions that filled my soul. I knew would never join up with her, just as my mother never reunited with me when she chose to sacrifice herself so that I could escape the Onitentei Clan. The memory of her beautiful face, distraught with worry for my well-being, burned into my mind as I turned my back on her. I would never get to see the birth of my precious Lisanthia and it hurt to know that my child would have to grow up without knowing her father but at least her father would die with honor. I prayed that the doctor would be able to heal my lover's illness so that she could live a long and healthy life together with our daughter. And maybe Tsubaki would even find another man to protect her from harm; a man that would provide her with far more happiness than I ever could.
With those final thoughts hanging in my head, I raced to Lord Kiragawa's chambers.
I had been right. Unsurprisingly, Lord Kiragawa had been locked up in his bed chamber, cowering behind the backs of his samurai. "What do I do?! What do I do?!" he repeatedly shouted to himself, nervously pacing in circles as his guards stood before him with their swords drawn and ready to taste the blood of anyone who dared to lash out at their daimyo.
"RAIKURO! My most-trusted servant!" the hideous man cried out once he spotted me approaching him. "Please! You must get me to safety!" The wrinkles in his forehead furrowed with every word as unashamed tears fell down his cheeks. I cast a few glances at the other samurai guarding him before I turned my attention back to the disgusting piece of trash that Lord Kiragawa was. Did he not even care about the safety of his daughter?! Did he truly only care about himself?!
"I have struck down a vast majority of the shogun's men. The courtyard towards the main entrance is mostly clear," I lied as I reached out my hand and beckoned him to follow me. "If we leave now, I can assure you that you will not be in any harm's way. I will personally see to it that you none of the shogun's warriors will lay a finger on you."
Overflowing with relief, Lord Kiragawa hopped to his feet and sauntered towards me. The trust in his eyes was as clear as the night sky and I could tell his expectations of me to protect him were as high as the moon. I had never failed him before and he believed I would not fail him again.
We wasted no time in exiting the building, sneaking through the veranda as we made way for the courtyard. Echoes of battle filled the compound as I tightly clutched the hilt of sword in my calloused hand. The time to act was now. I needed to cause a diversion so Tsubaki could escape undected by enemy soldiers.
I drew in a deep breath before expelling a declaration with the force of a raging thunderstorm. "NEVER AGAIN WILL LORD KIRAGAWA TERRORIZE THE LAND!" My voice boomed across the castle's enclosure, startling those nearby to the point where all battle ceased for a moment. All was still within the castle gates and I could feel intense gazes burning into the back of my head from all around me—especially from Hiroto Kiragawa himself.
"W-what are you saying, Raikuro?" the cowardly man stuttered, disbelief hanging heavily in his voice.
I turned to face Lord Kiragawa with a cold stare and I drew my precious blade from its scabbard, it's metal tip gleaming in the beams of the moonlight. "You have brought devastation to this once peaceful and wholesome country. You stole everything your subjects had and you punished them by death when they did you no wrong," I said to him with a voice so deep and cold. The sound of approaching footsteps reached my ears as my plan began to fall into place; the guards were indeed coming.
"Is that Hiroto Kiragawa?!" One man shouted.
"Let's kill him and everyone who stands in our way!" Another replied.
I didn't give them the satisfaction the warriors of the shogun had so desperately craved. No, if I wanted to amend for my sins, I needed to do away with Lord Kiragawa myself. Before they could even reach the hideous man, his head was already rolling on the floor towards their feet as a waterfall of blood drenched the ground beneath them. My sword was quicker than theirs as it yearned to pay back a debt it owed to the country as a whole.
"D-did Kiragawa just fall by his own samurai's hands?!" An enemy solider roared through the night.
"How dishonorable! This man is as heinous as Kiragawa himself!" Another cried out.
Yes, it was dishonorable to take the life of my own master.It was a crime punishable by death; not even committing an honorable suicide through seppukucould mend my shattered dignity. Although I deserved to die by the hands of the shogun's best soldiers, I still had a job to do. I still needed to buy enough time for Tsubaki to get as far as she could away from this castle.
"If I'm as treacherous as Hiroto Kiragawa, why don't you all come and apprehend me?" I shouted to them, luring a group of almost thirty men directly towards me. Past the enemy soldiers I could even see my own fellow samurai, their swords itching for a taste of my flesh as they desired to slaughter the man who turned his back on his daimyo.
I would gladly entertain them. After all, there was not a man trapped within these castle walls that was blameless. All of Kiragawa's servants were guilty of the crimes their lord had committed but deep down the shogun was just as much at fault. The shogun only demanded the downfall of Kiragawa when they felt that the country was speaking ill of them for ignoring his misdemeanors.
We were all to blame for the atrocities Hiroto Kiragawa caused upon the land. And we all deserved to die, just as Hiroto Kiragawa did and just as all of his innocent victims did. With a quick lunge, I charged at the men who raised their swords against me. My blade whipped through the night air, slicing open the stomachs of Kiragawa's men and the shogun's men alike. It was me against an army and I never expected to make it out of there in one piece and yet, my strength seemed to increase with every slash of my katana. My blood was pumping through my veins so fast that I wasn't even aware of everything I was doing; I was solely focused on killing everyone in my path.
Why hadn't I realized it all sooner? My purpose in life was to kill. My sword and I were one in the same—weapons created for ridding the world of trash. Killing was as easy as breathing and it felt as natural as eating or drinking. I…had been so foolish to think I could have lived a happy life with Tsubaki when my destiny as a killer had been carved out for me since before I was born.
I wasn't sure how long I engaged in battle as I fought and slaughtered anyone who came into my path. They just kept coming with their swords raised high above their heads, one after the other. My clothes were drenched in the blood of all the men and my hands began to grow numb from my tight grip on my sword. Even so, I persevered through the night and continued to defeat many men.
I no longer felt human. In fact, I no longer felt anything. This was the way it needed to be. I was an instrument for death and nothing more.
The night grew quiet when I realized there were no more swords pointed in my direction and no more cries of pain. All around me there were bodies slumped to the ground and the smell of fresh blood was almost nauseating.
"Did…I do all this?" I asked myself quietly, voice calm and flat as I gazed out at the sea of corpses by my feet. I couldn't even find myself impressed at my unfathomable swordsmanship skills and my endurance to persevere through that many battles without so much as acquiring a single scratch on my body. Instead, I just continued to feel empty, like a river that had been completely dried up.
For a split second, I wondered how far Tsubaki had made it by now. Was she safe in the woods, protected by the shadowy branches of the trees? I had already made up my mind that I wouldn't be joining her even though I had somehow managed to make it through this endeavor alive and in one piece. Tsubaki didn't deserve to spend the rest of her days with a lifeless soul like me and Lisanthia didn't deserve to have a criminal for a father.
I stared down at the sword in my hand, blood still smeared across the edges. I began to crouch down on my knees as I untied my robe, allowing my pale midriff to be exposed. Seppukuwouldn't be enough to make amends for my crimes but at least the world would be rid of one less coldhearted killer. I pointed the tip of my sword towards my abdomen and closed my eyes as a gentle breeze caressed my exposed skin.
Just before I resolved to plunge the sword deep within my stomach, I was interrupted by the sound of someone running towards me. With a sigh, I removed the sword's tip from my stomach as I stood up. It appeared as if my job wasn't done here yet—there was still one warrior left, one of piece of trash who dared to interrupt a man while he was trying to take his own life to make amendments.
I didn't give the dastardly man a chance to strike as I stood up. I quickly swung my sword until I felt it collide with soft, delicate flesh.
"R-Raiku..ro…"
The blood that had once been pumping so fiercely with the adrenaline of battle had completely run cold as a gentle voice reached my ears. I sharply turned my head around as my heart thumped roughly against my chest.
What had collided with my sword was not a samurai of the shogun nor even one of Hiroto Kiragawa's servants but Tsubaki herself.
"TSUBAKI!" I shouted as I dropped my sword while running to her side. I had slashed open a fatal gap in her abdomen and blood was uncontrollably flowing out. "Tsubaki! I didn't mean to! I thought you were one of the men! Why did you sneak up on me like that?! Tsubaki! Can you hear me?! Tsubaki! Why?! Why didn't you leave?!"
My voice was shaking as I held my bleeding lover in my arms. Her face was as white as the moon and she weakly looked up at me. Her cheeks were drenched with my tears and my devastated sobs filled the night. How could I have done this?! This could have been avoided if I had bothered to look at who was approaching me!
"Rai…kuro…" Tsubaki uttered out, her lips trembling as she brought up a hand to lightly touch my cheek. "I…I couldn't leave you…I-I knew you weren't coming b-back for me."
No! No! NO! This wasn't happening! My love was dying! Tsubaki was dying! I had done this to her…I had harmed her with my own blade!
"You should have left! You and Lisanthia could have lived a long, happy life!" I shouted as I held onto her tightly as if my grip on her body would keep her soul from escaping.
With a gentle and serene smile, the maiden simply shook her head at my statement. "I-I'm sorry Raikuro. I lied… There was no doctor to c-cure me," she stuttered while continuing to smile at me through her red lips. "I made the whole story up... I w-wanted you to have hope for our fu…fu…future."
I stopped crying for a moment as my eyes grew as wide as saucers. She…had lied to me?! There was no doctor?
"Listen to me, R-Raikuro," Tsubaki whispered, pulling my face closer to hers so she wouldn't have to strain as much to talk. "My sickness was g-getting worse. Lisanthia and I wouldn't have made it through childbirth. I h-had hoped we would have been able to spend the rest of my days….together…away from here."
Her voice was fading. I was losing her fast. Lord Kiragawa's doctors were nowhere in sight. Tsubaki and I were the only people left in the castle gates. Was there no one here to help us?!
"I-I knew we couldn't. So…So I came back…" Tsubaki continued, a few tears falling from her eyes. I shook my head furiously as continued to hold her close. Why did she lie?! Why was she so happy about being pregnant when she knew that she and the baby wouldn't make it?! Why did she always remain so optimistic?!
"It's better this way," she added.
No! No it wasn't!
"We can join the afterlife as a family."
No! She wasn't supposed to die! She was supposed to go see a doctor and get cured! She was supposed to have a beautiful baby girl and they were supposed to grow old and live their days as a happy family! Why did she have to succumb to such a cruel fate?!
"I love you, Raikuro."
With those words, her eyes grew dim and I could see her life fade away into oblivion right before me. Like a rose shedding its final petal, Tsubaki quietly breathed her last breath before her body grew heavy in my grasp. All I could do was simply hold her limp body as my tears cascaded along her pale skin. I cursed the gods that allowed such a lamentable illness to befall such a sweet, innocent woman. I cursed Lord Kiragawa for his grievances upon mankind. I cursed the world for its imperfections and insufferable state. But most of all, I cursed myself. I cursed myself for being weak and foolish. I should have known that death was always looming around me, polluting the air and poisoning the earth I stepped on. I should have known that a happy life alongside the woman that I loved would have never befallen me, even in my wildest dreams.
Tsubaki had tried to show me that there was still hope in this godforsaken world. She was also the one responsible for the complete and utter decimation of my fragile heart. I should have never let myself fall in love with Tsubaki or allowed myself to dream of a blissful life with Lisanthia.
I killed myself soon after. The last thing I remember is plunging my katana through my abdomen before lying beside my deceased lover on the grass. I remember staring up at the moon, my body numb and cold, and I could feel nothing but resentment towards this cruel world. There was no point in living in this world and there was no point in striving for pointless things like loveor happiness.
There was no need to possess a heart.
My memories continued to replay over in over in my mind, forcing me to relive every painful moment. I tried to stop them. I tried to ignore the overwhelming pain my memories brought me but they nevertheless continued to pound against my chest, forcing tiny cracks on the exterior of my frozen heart. I was helpless against the pain of remembering the past. I could feel my body moving on its own, acting on sheer impulse as my consciousness refused to escape the turmoil of its inner battle.
As I continued to swim through my memories, I could feel myself losing control.
I was gone.