The Kiss

He was going to do it. He was actually going to do it.

Sirius Black was going to kiss 'the Beaver'. He was going to kiss me.

I could sense Ant still standing there watching us. Probably as shocked as I was that this was going to actually happen.

My hands were still grasped tightly around the top of Black's jacket like rigor mortis even as his lips whispered against mine.

"Ahem," a new person in our vicinity cleared their throat loudly.

I dropped him like a hot coal nearly as fast as he pushed himself back from me.

All three of us looked over at the culprit.

"Lily sent me to fetch you," Peter said quickly, looking at me from the doorway to the Great Hall. His voice seemed nervous as if he was worried he was going to be shouted at.

Exactly how much had he seen?

In the corner of my eye I saw Ant stalking away and hoped that maybe this time he really would get the message that I wasn't interested.

That had been the only reason I had gone to kiss Black. The only reason.

"You could make a killing out of your timing, Wormtail," Sirius said darkly, running a hand through his hair.

Ducking away from Peter's increasingly suspicious gawping at the two of us, I opened the door to the hall and went to rush inside.

But before I could pass through it, I felt something warm touch my hand, holding on to it so I couldn't move forward.

I turned around in shock only to find Peter's harassed red face hurrying past me.

I frowned at him, unable to believe he'd had the nerve to hold me back like that just so he could beat me through the doors. But when I went to snatch my hand away, the grip on it tightened, and I suddenly realised that Peter had already scurried back into the hall.

I looked down slowly at the offending appendage and saw the long fingers still wrapped around mine. When my gaze darted upwards, it landed on Black's face.

"Going somewhere?" he asked.

Before I had the chance to form an intelligible sentence, he pulled me back away from the hall's entrance.

I found myself forced to step backwards as he moved towards me, until my back met the stone wall of the Entrance Hall door frame and I stumbled to a stop.

Lifting his hands to my hips, he leant down towards me, his focus on my mouth.

"Now, where were we?" he asked.

There was no-one around to see us now. No-one for either of us to impress. Was he really still this intent on making me feel uncomfortable?

"Let me go," I muttered, frustrated at the way my voice sounded weak even to me.

Without putting up any sort of argument, Sirius retracted himself immediately, taking a long step away from me and extending his arm outwards so I had ample space to go past him and go back to our friends.

He waited for me to move, his expression almost challenging me to do it.

But my legs wouldn't let me. I was horrified when I realised that a part of me wanted this. Wanted him. I tried to think when it had happened. At what point had I stopped finding his good looks repulsive and started finding him...

I couldn't even finish the thought.

When I didn't go anywhere, the corner of his mouth pulled upwards in response and he swept forward to close the space between us again.

Knowing that I clearly wanted whatever was about to happen between us seemed to make his movements more certain.

Pressing me against the wall, he ran his fingers back through the side of my hair.

I felt my treacherous body react at the unexpected gentleness of his fingertips against my skin and closed my eyes to hide the longing from him.

The next thing I knew, everything went very warm. It was a feeling I had never felt before; the feeling of being entirely surrounded by another human.

The second Sirius's mouth met with mine, I froze in shock, unsure what I was supposed to do next. But if he noticed he didn't stop, his lips coaxing me into movement.

Without really being aware of it, I kept my eyes open throughout the whole thing. It was for this reason that I could see that his were closed. His long dark eyelashes brushed against the soft, smooth skin underneath his eyes.

So this was what kissing was like.

.o.

Finally, slowly, he moved back from me, letting me take a quiet intake of air.

I looked up at him, trying to make sense of my first kiss. There was a time, not so long ago, that he wouldn't miss a chance to tell anyone with ears how appallingly unattractive he found me.

"Why?"

It was all I could think to ask.

"Because I wanted to." His voice didn't sound the same somehow. It was like an extension of his breath.

But there was no smirk or laughter, just an unapologetic statement.

I let out a breath, casting my eyes to the floor. I felt like I was seconds away from passing out.

This part he seemed to find funny, looking pleased at the reaction he had managed to achieve.

Ordering myself to move, I pushed off from the wall, desperate to gain some distance from what had happened. But Sirius did not seem to share my urgency, and I was forced to slide past his body to escape.

"Morland, wait."

I looked back at him, trying hard not to show how much he had affected me.

"Keep this between us?" His eyes stared into mine intently.

My brow creased. "I planned to," I replied, as if it was obvious.

And then I turned back around and entered the hall, doing all I could just to walk in a straight line.

When I reached the table I realised that Black had not followed behind me.

He didn't turn up for the rest of dinner.

At some point James had asked me where he'd gone, but I'd had no answer for him.

Perhaps he couldn't face me after what we'd done.

Throughout the whole of dinner, Peter's eyes kept darting over to me as if wondering what exactly had just gone on, but thank Merlin he didn't say anything out loud.

It felt like I was in a dream that I wasn't waking up from.

I was the Beaver. I was not the girl who Sirius Black took into a corner for a stolen kiss.

.o.

Suffice to say, Black and I did not speak for the next week. In fact I barely saw him.

Because it was still the holidays we were not forced together in lessons like we normally were, so there was plenty of excuses to avoid one another.

While James hung around Lily like a bad smell – a smell that she was so obviously enjoying more and more by the minute - Sirius was always notably absent.

I was extremely glad of it too.

I didn't want to be reminded of what had happened anymore than it seemed he wanted to be.

That's why when Monday morning rolled around again, I got ready for my Care of Magical Creatures lesson feeling like I had swallowed a weight. We shared this lesson. There would be no avoiding him.

"Why can't we have another week off?" I heard Marlene moan as I left the bedroom to meet up with Lily.

I couldn't have agreed with her more.

"James has asked me to sit with him," Lily revealed as we made our way over to the class.

"Oh," I replied, not expecting it. Potter and Lily were really happening then.

"I get it if you don't want to sit with us," she said, "Because of Sirius, I mean. But I would like it if you did, for me, please?"

Lily did not know about our kiss. Nobody knew. At least, I hadn't told anyone – though I wondered whether Sirius had mentioned it to James.

To Lily, Black and I were still in the 'tormentor and old victim' category.

"Sorry Lily," I said eventually. I couldn't do it. It would be too awkward.

Lily nodded and looked straight ahead. "It's fine."

I felt bad that I was leaving her to sit with James all alone when it was clear that she wanted a wing woman. But it was her choice, and I knew she was in safe hands when it came to James. He wouldn't do anything that might jeopardise his chances with her. Not when he was so close to getting what he wanted.

.o.

"How many of you are able to see a Thestral?" Professor Kettleburn's gruff voice asked as we took our seats at the 'rustic' wooden tables in the Care of Magical Creatures classroom. Rustic being the code word for battered and shoddily made.

As we were indoors it was obvious it would not be a practical lesson today.

Kettleburn looked expectantly at the class. A couple of people reluctantly raised their hand; they had seen someone die.

I had only ever seen drawings of Thestrals in books, but they seemed like pretty scary looking things to me. I was kind of glad I couldn't see what pulled the Hogwarts carriages.

Lily had gone to sit with James and Sirius as planned, and James kept leaning down to mutter something in her ear at intervals, her face always brightening like he'd said something funny or pleasing to her in some way.

I allowed myself to glance at Sirius out of curiosity. Unlike the two of them, he looked extremely bored. It must've been weird for him to suddenly have to share his best friend.

As if he had sensed me, he looked over and our eyes locked for a second before I turned quickly away.

His expression had been strange, but his usual smirk was nowhere to be found. I didn't dare look back to see if he was still looking.

"Cheryl!" a deep voice called when Professor Kettleburn left to fetch more study material from the library.

My eyes widened when I found it was James. Lily pressed her lips together and avoided my eye contact. She was clearly responsible for this.

"Come and sit here," he said when he'd got my attention. He pointed to the edge of their table in the seat closest to Black.

Bloody Lily. She knew I couldn't exactly say no when the whole class was looking at me for a reaction.

Resisting the urge to roll my eyes and violently cursing her in my mind, I gathered my stuff together and made my way over to their desk.

Sirius seemed just as surprised as I was by the change in seating – James had clearly not asked for his friend's approval before calling me over.

With barely enough room for the three of them as it was, I was forced to perch at the head of the rectangular table.

It was for this reason that the teachers didn't even like us to sit like this, but this logic seemed to have been ignored in their master plan.

Lily looked at me with a smile. "You seemed miserable sitting over there by yourself," she said.

That was a blatant lie. I was obviously fine.

I placed my stuff down on the right-angled triangle of spare desk next to Black, my forced smile at her probably looking more like a grimace.

Sirius was writing notes on his parchment, not even bothering to look up as he scraped his seat closer to James to make more space.

Lowering my weight onto my stool, I kept my gaze trained stoically on my textbook. I could feel my face burning up at being so close to him after our last 'encounter'.

"Are you alright?" Lily asked curiously, noticing my bright red face.

A fresh wave of heat poured over me.

I tilted my head closer to my parchment, trying to force my curtain of hair to hide my cheeks.

I could tell Black was finally acknowledging the fact that I was there by staring at me to see what she had meant.

"I'm fine," I replied, trying to be breezy but sending Lily secret daggers from underneath my hair. If she did not shut up I would dive across the table and shove duct tape on her mouth.

"Have you gone red because you're sitting next to Padfoot?" James's grin was wide and teasing.

"What are you talking about?" I frowned impatiently, knowing full well that he was spot on.

I allowed myself to flick my hair back, needing to cool off, but immediately regretted it. Black was still staring at the side of my blushing face.

Lily seemed to take the hint that I wanted to be left alone and returned to her work just as Kettleburn came back in with an arm full of study guides on Thestrals.

I felt something warm touch my thigh and realised that someone had placed their hand on it. Without even needing to look I knew that it was him.

I recoiled hard, knocking the arm attached to it into the table. Black stifled a muffled grunt of pain.

Instead of being angry at the fact he would probably have a nasty bruise on the top of his forearm, he seemed to be the most entertained I had seen him all lesson.

"Stop it," I muttered under my breath, pinning him with a warning glare when I was sure that no one else was looking. James and Lily were more interested in each other again.

"I've missed this," he replied in a similar undertone, meeting my eyes unabashedly now.

"You've been avoiding me," I pointed out.

He shrugged a little. "Just didn't want you to feel awkward after you kissed me."

I raised my eyebrows. "I kissed you?"

"Well you definitely didn't stop me. Was I your first kiss?"

My eyes shot over to James and Lily again, but they still weren't paying us any attention.

"None of your business," I hissed viciously.

He seemed to think on it, his dirty thoughts showing clearly on his face.

"There's something incredibly appealing about unmarked territory," he commented.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You're disgusting," I said, regretting the fact that I had ever let him do it.

He seemed to take it as a compliment.

"Come on, Morland, don't be like that. I know you enjoyed yourself just as much as I did."

When I didn't deny it outright, he grinned.

"Why don't you meet me in the library tonight," he said. "We can continue our conversation there." His expression let me know exactly what he meant by conversation.

With that, he turned around and took the study guide from Kettleburn's outstretched hand in a feat of epic timing, acting as if he hadn't just propositioned me in the middle of our classroom.

When the lesson ended I didn't even bother waiting for Lily, wanting to get out of there as fast as possible.

"8pm tonight," said a voice so close to my ear it made me shiver. I continued walking, refusing to look back. "In the library – Charms section, at the back," Sirius continued undeterred, before using his long legs to vacate the area in seconds.

I obviously wasn't going to meet him.

.o.

"For someone who professes their distaste for my brother, you seemed to enjoy having him attached to your face."

"Regulus," I said. He had surprised me on the way back to the common room after lessons that evening – it was technically time to meet Sirius in the library, but like I said I wasn't going.

He quirked a knowing eyebrow, waiting for me to respond. When I didn't, he smiled humourlessly.

"Sirius told me to stay away from you," I replied in an even voice, frantically wondering where Regulus could have been hiding in order to have seen us the other night. I was definite that no one had been around.

His eyebrow rose further, "Sirius, eh?" He looked like he had caught me in the act of calling his brother by his first name. "Well Sirius is probably right," he said. "Are you a pure-blood by any chance?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" I asked, feeling a shot of nerves race through my body. There was no one else around.

Regulus nodded, "I'll take that as a no. I'm guessing half-breed? Surely not mudblood?"

"I'm half-blood," I tried to reply defiantly.

Regulus's mouth curved into a dangerous smile. "At least my mother will only be half as angry, I suppose. Though that's not saying much."

He seemed to think on it. "Just like my older brother," he observed, "Always has to strive to be rebellious. The 'Black' sheep." Regulus's smile twisted at his own pun.

I found it ironic that Sirius was considered the black sheep of his family just because he didn't believe in what amounted to Muggle slavery – Muggles under the enforcement of Wizards, with no more rights than House Elves.

It suddenly made me view him in a whole different light. And I was definitely viewing Regulus in a different light.

I had originally felt sorry for him having to share a house with Sirius, but the more I thought about it the more I realised Sirius was the one who deserved pity.

"Is this a private party or can anyone join in?" The sound of Sirius's drawl, so similar to his brother's, came from behind me.

He walked over and looked at me, "You were supposed to meet me in the library," he admonished.

I had never been so grateful to see him.

"Going to finish off what you started the other day, were you?" Regulus asked us with a slight sneer on his handsome face.

"Half-blood, really?" he addressed Sirius, "I'm starting to think you do it on purpose."

"The fact that we're related to most of the purebloods in the school hasn't crossed your mind, I suppose?" Sirius commented. "I don't know about you Reg, but I'd prefer my children not to be inbred."

I tried to slink away while they were arguing and leave them to it, not wanting to be dragged into Black's familial arguments.

"Even your girlfriend can't stand to be around you," Regulus said scornfully, nodding in my direction.

I froze at him referring to me as Sirius's girlfriend.

But Sirius didn't even address it, "Yes, it's me she can't stand to be around," he replied dryly. Moving a casual arm around my shoulders, he used it as a means to guide us away.

"Look forward to seeing you at the next family dinner," Regulus called after me, sarcasm heavy in his voice.

I felt Sirius's arm flex around me, but he didn't bother to turn around.

Once we were far enough away he looked sideways at me. "I could've sworn I told you to steer clear of Reg."

I shrugged out from underneath his arm. "Not much I can do if he comes over to me."

He shook his head. "You're like a human magnet for trouble."

Except for the fact that most of the 'trouble' I'd attracted in my time at Hogwarts was usually related to him. This time by blood.

"Has your brother ever actually done anything?" I wondered, "Or is it always just words?"

"I wouldn't know," he replied, not letting his emotion show on his face. "We don't talk. We don't even live together anymore."

He stalled like he hadn't meant to tell me that.

I furrowed my brow at him. "What do you mean, has he moved out?"

Sirius's jaw clenched. "I have," he corrected. "I live with James and his family." He stared straight ahead.

I took in what he had said.

After a weighted pause I asked, "Was it really that bad at home?"

"Yes." His eyes betrayed the sadness he tried to keep hidden.

I don't know what possessed me, but I put an uncertain hand in the middle of his back. But he flinched underneath my touch, refusing my eye contact, and I let it fall away.

"You're a good person, Sirius," I said in a low voice, "even if you go out of your way to pretend not to be."

He stopped walking and turned to face me. It felt like he was scrutinising every part of me.

"You're a really bad judge of character, Cheryl," he replied.