Don't Trifle with Love

You don't need to tell me, I already know. I'm an idiot.

Not only had I given my first kiss to someone who made most of my school life miserable, but I was now trusting him to help me prank one of his own friends.

Oh, and have I mentioned… 'the dream'?

Not the horrible dog nightmares I've been having. Oh no. They've stopped. This dream was different.

Let's just say it involved myself and a certain long haired Marauder, and left me practically shaking and covered in sweat.

And it just wasn't the kind of dream I wanted to be having about my former bully, if you know what I mean.

The worst part was I'd enjoyed it.

I knew if Sirius ever found out I'd been having those kinds of thoughts about him, he'd never let me live it down.

.o.

'One of the more prolific side effects of human transfiguration is of course-'

My quill stalled on my homework parchment as two bodiless hands clasped across my eyes.

"Sirius, stop," I stated, straightening in my seat at a table in our common room.

"Did you just say Sirius?" a very much female voice wanted to know.

The hands disappeared from my face and I realised too late that they had been much too small to be his. Lily moved from behind my back to sit opposite me.

"Expecting someone?" she asked me with a knowing smile.

"Just seemed like something he'd do," I tried to shrug it off. The slightly smug smile remained on her face.

"How's James?" I demanded, tossing the spotlight back on her. I could see her turn a deep shade of red even in the dim light of the common room.

Pushing my homework to one side, I leaned forward to rest my chin on my hand. "So, does it feel weird?" I asked in an undertone. "Going out with him. After everything the two of you have been through over the years?" I was genuinely curious.

She stopped to think about it.

"A bit," she admitted. "I mean, we're not 'going out' going out, if you know what I mean. Just meeting up every now and then to see how it goes."

I gave her an unconvinced look, remembering what Marlene had told me about their snog near the Gamekeeper's hut.

"Not yet, anyway," she added with a smile. She gave a sigh, "Mostly it just feels right, like it was always supposed to happen this way and at this precise time. It almost feels like-" she paused, looking a bit embarrassed, "-don't laugh, but it almost feels like fate."

We looked at one another for a long second before we both cracked up.

"I never thought I'd see him in any other way than as a bullying toerag," she said wistfully, the smile still on her face as though fondly reminiscing on the times they had insulted one another.

"And yet, here we are," I said.

Lily's eyes glistened, "Here we are."

She looked down at the Transfiguration paper I had been working on.

"Side Effects of Human Transfiguration," she read aloud. "McGonagall's homework feels a bit close to home, doesn't it? Considering what we found out the other week."

"Mmm," I agreed, thinking back to our night on the grounds. Finding out three of the four Marauders were unregistered Animagi. It made me wonder if our Head of House was aware of it.

"Perhaps it should have been Sirius just now," she commented. "He could probably tell you first-hand about the side-effects of human transfiguration."

"I'm not sure if it's the same…" I started to reply, but the chair next to mine scraped out stopping me mid-sentence.

"My ears are burning. Did I hear my name mentioned?" Sirius asked as he pulled himself uninvited into our table.

We peered over at him a little guiltily.

"I'll take that as a yes," he replied slowly, quirking a dark eyebrow at us.

He looked to Lily, "James is just out there. Seems to think you're supposed to be meeting him?"

Lily checked at her watch. "Oh sugar, I forgot the time," she breathed.

She shot me an apologetic glance, "I promised I'd meet him at six. It's five past now."

"He's outside the portrait hole," Sirius nodded towards it. "I don't know what you two get up to together, but he's been unbearable all day. Keeps disappearing into the sordid recesses of his mind. Can't get a word of sense out of him."

Lily looked secretly pleased by this information.

Without another moment of hesitation she rushed off to meet him, her small legs crossing the room as if powered by a motor. Sirius smirked as he watched her leave.

It was hard not to notice the way he somehow looked and smelt even better than usual. As if he was going out of his way to be irresistible. It made me want to stuff cotton wool into my eyes and nostrils so I couldn't be affected by it.

"Is James really acting like that?" I asked him, forcing myself to act normal.

"Oh yeah," he said casually, seeming amused by it. "And the rest. Not sure I can put with it much longer. Remus has taken to non-stop library studies. It's just me and Pete now. I think I'm going to go mad and start talking to the walls. At least I have you though, eh?" He shot me a sly grin.

I pretended to look unimpressed.

He moved in his chair to face me, his leg accidentally grazing mine under the table. "You look tired," he observed bluntly, scrutinising my face.

"Oh, thanks," I replied dryly.

"Not sleeping?"

"I'm sleeping fine," I replied automatically, pushing away a Technicolor flashback to what my unconscious brain had 'gifted' me with last night.

"I've been having the same problem," he said, ignoring the fact I had tried to deny it. "There's this one dream I just can't seem to shake, but there was something different about it last night."

He stopped to lean back in his chair. "So clear it could've been real. Woke up feeling like I'd done ten rounds with a giant."

His eyes glazed over for a second, "I can only describe it as…vigorous."

He looked at me quickly and gave a laugh, letting his chair fall back to floor.

"What was it about?" I asked, my mouth suddenly dry.

The corner of his lips lifted up in reply. "Ah, that would be telling, now, wouldn't it? Care to share yours?" he enquired, placing a lazy arm around the back of my chair.

Waking up soaked through with sweat because I'd had an explicit dream about him? No, I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a knitting needle than share that, thanks.

"That would be telling, wouldn't it?" I echoed.

He smiled knowingly, as if my answer confirmed something for him without me even needing to say it.

Kicking himself back he got up from the table to leave, but as he did he paused behind my chair to lean down over my shoulder, placing his hand on the table just in front of me.

"Still remember the plan for dinner tonight?" he asked, his voice low near my ear.

It would be surprising if I didn't. We had gone over it enough times the day before. His roommate, Mike, was going to try and spike my drink with lust tonic, and in return we were going to make him wish he had never been born.

That was the idea anyway, as long as Sirius didn't have any extra cards up his sleeve. It would be just his brand of fun to pretend to help me, then twist the prank on its head at the end to leave me as the one red-faced.

"I remember," I replied, turning my head only to find him nearer than I realised. He paused for a second as we made slightly awkward eye contact.

"Good," he said briskly.

With that he was gone.

Pulling my homework back towards me I continued to write:

'One of the more prolific side effects of human transfiguration is of course permanent change to the caster, be it inner or outwardly tangible.'

And one of the side-effects of time spent alone with Sirius Black, I thought grimly, seemed to be permanent, tangible changes to me.

.oOo.

At dinner that night I tried my best to eat and act as normally as possible despite the growing apprehension about what we were about to do to Mike.

Sirius had taken the seat opposite mine, just as planned. To his right, Mike Bartinski took forkful after forkful of mashed potato, ploughing it into his mouth as though shovelling snow.

He didn't usually sit with us, but had given us all the -frankly pathetic- excuse of needing to speak with Sirius about a homework assignment, just so he would be in the right position to prank me.

I wasn't even sure they actually shared any lessons. How dumb did he think I was?

I shot him major stink eye whenever his distraction allowed, silently fuming about what he'd had planned for me.

Going to try and make me snog Pettigrew, huh, Mike? I demanded in my head, glaring at him trying to cram as much food in as possible. Let's see how you like it when the shoe's on the other foot.

Without realising, an evil smirk formed on my mouth.

As if he could tell what I was thinking, Sirius caught my eye and the faintest trace of amusement appeared on his face.

Please don't double cross me, I told him silently, hoping he would be able to read that on my face as well. He picked up his goblet and took a drink, his expression frustratingly unfathomable.

We had already made a pact not to tell any of our friends about our temporary alliance to prank Bartinski. The more people that knew, the more likely it was that Mike would get wind of our plans and ruin the whole thing.

"Merlin, I love roast beef," James mumbled absentmindedly from Mike's other side, his mouth packed to the rafters with it, "have I ever said how much I love roast beef?"

"You might have mentioned it one or two-" Remus started.

"Hundred times," Sirius finished.

Lily glanced up at her new love interest still chomping noisily with his mouth open, and her nose wrinkled slightly with the onset of disgust.

Noticing her expression, Remus gave him a sharp elbow in the ribs underneath the table and James gulped the contents of his mouth down hard.

"So, er, Lily," he said, obviously trying to distract her from the fact he had the dining etiquette of a troll, "fancy coming to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?"

It was our last trip to the village before the New Year.

Lily looked uncertain, glancing at Sally and I. "You mean like… a date?" she asked, as if she couldn't believe he was asking in front of everybody.

Just as Lily had done, James's focus darted briefly to his friends as if to gain their approval, the other boys giving no reaction, waiting for it to play out.

"Just the two of us," he confirmed, his eyes flashing keenly at her.

This would be the first time they openly admitted they were seeing each other in front of all of us.

There was an earnest intensity in his expression that would have melted the hardest of hearts and I felt myself go weak at the knees just witnessing it. We all held a collective breath for Lily's answer.

A smile caught at her lips. Time seemed to move in slow motion.

Finally she nodded.

"That would be nice."

As if on cue, our entire group erupted into excitable cheers. Marlene performed a loud, celebratory ululation. With a broad grin on his face, Sirius stood up on the bench and started to pump the air with his fist. "Prongs! Prongs! Prongs! Prongs!"

It didn't take too much persuasion for the other Gryffindors in the surrounding area to join in with his chant, even though they probably had no clue what it was for.

"Prongs! Prongs! Prongs!"

Lily laughed despite herself, the apples of her ivory cheeks flushing prettily. Her green eyes met with James's hazel and they shared a look of momentary elation across the table.

And that was it. That was how Lily Evans and James Potter announced their coupledom to us.

It had been a rocky road packed with name calling and stupid misunderstandings and repressed feelings, and I'd genuinely no idea how he had managed it, but just like with everything else James ended up getting exactly what he wanted. He got Lily.

.o.

Sirius sat back down and the chanting petered out.

I chanced a look up at the teachers table, but Dumbledore was pretending not to have heard the commotion. He busied himself with his knife and fork, chattering to Flitwick genially.

Weirdly, one of the only people who seemed to be actively unhappy for the new couple was Peter. He kind of looked like someone had died. He kept his eyes fixed firmly on his plate, but they had gone all red and watery as if he were about to cry.

I put it down to the fact that maybe he felt like he was losing his best friend. After all, he followed James around like a lost puppy half the time. It would obviously be a shock to the system when Potter would no longer put up with it, preferring to spend time alone with Lily.

"Pleased for you," Remus told James, a genuine smile on his face.

Mike shook his head and mock-shuddered. "Remind me to never let myself be tied down to just one girl. They're like pick n' mix, having just one can never satisfy your craving."

"Do you even hear yourself?" Sally asked him with a laugh of disbelief.

"Oh I wouldn't worry, Mike," Remus commented lightly as he helped himself to more food, "you normally have to actually get a girl before you can be tied down to her."

"I can get any girl I like," Mike replied arrogantly. "The difference is I choose freedom."

Sirius clapped him on the back. "Sure you do."

Shrugging him off, Mike shot him a meaningful stare. "Isn't it about time for that thing we were talking about?" He gestured in my direction almost imperceptibly. "You know, the homework."

If Sirius had been telling me the truth up until now, I knew exactly what Mike meant by 'homework'. He really was going to do it. He was going to try and slip me the lust tonic.

"Let's do it," Sirius replied, both to Mike and surreptitiously to me.

Just as we had discussed, I moved my hand back and pretended to drop my fork on the floor. It clattered against the hard flooring.

"Oops," I said loudly, putting my questionable acting skills to the test.

Bending down to pick it up, I purposefully took my time to allow Mike the chance to dropper the tonic into my goblet. Honestly, it felt like I could have gone to Narnia and back in the time I gave him.

After a while Sirius's foot reached out and nudged my leg, presumably to let me know it was safe to resurface.

Bringing my head back up, I saw that the rest of our group were all too busy grilling Lily and James about the real length of their relationship to have paid any attention to what Bartinski had done to my drink.

"Dorcas saw you tongue wrestling near Hagrid's hut, don't even try to deny it!" Marlene exclaimed, baring her teeth in a grin at James and Lily.

"Keep your voice down!" Lily hissed, the redness in her face creeping down the length of her neck.

Mike looked intolerably smug, thinking he'd got away with it.

"Let's have a toast to the new couple," he called out, capturing everyone's attention as he reached out for his own goblet.

But before he had chance to grasp the base, Sirius craned his neck. "What's McGonagall doing over there?" he asked, starting to frown, "It looks like she's about to break into song."

At his announcement, all heads in the local vicinity turned in the direction of the professors' table.

Just as we had hoped, Mike retracted his arm and turned around to see what was going on. Quick as lightning, Sirius's hands shot out and swapped our goblets.

Mike turned back around and looked at Sirius as if he was losing it. "What are you on about?" he demanded, "She's sat down eating."

Sirius raised a careless shoulder. "Must've been my imagination," he replied, as if he would've just imagined McGonagall getting up to sing acapella at the front of the hall.

Yet again, Mike reached out for his drink.

Except it wasn't his drink anymore. It was mine. And it was -hopefully- spiked with the lust tonic he had intended for me. Far from being Pettigrew flavoured as Mike believed, Sirius told me he'd actually impregnated it with the hair of a particularly burly Slytherin called Chase Armitage.

Yes, the boy's name was actually Chase.

"To James and Evans!" Mike called, instigating the toast once again.

We all lifted our goblets and chanted it with him.

I took a sip of my pumpkin juice and noticed Mike staring at me with sick fascination, waiting for his tonic to take effect and for me to start throwing myself at Pettigrew. He took an oblivious swig of his own while he waited.

Sirius and I glanced at one another.

At first nothing happened. Then, like a lightbulb had switched on somewhere in his head, Mike's neck snapped around to examine the Slytherin table, his eyes searching frantically as they swept the area for the new object of his affection.

I spotted Chase at the same time as Mike seemed to; he was sat with the rest of his equally large friends at the far end nearest the door. Without another second's thought, Mike got up from his seat and walked purposefully over to them.

As soon as he got within a few feet of the Slytherin table most of them were already glaring at him in mistrust. There was a lot of elbowing of friends and jabbing of fingers in his direction. It wasn't every day a Gryffindor dared to cross the hall and approach their table. But it seemed as though Mike was blind to it.

I couldn't even bring myself to feel sorry for him. This was what he had wanted for me - complete humiliation.

"What on earth is he doing?" Remus wondered, only just noticing Bartinski's unexpected journey across the room.

When Mike reached Chase's gang, he didn't even stop to say hi. He went straight in for the kill, perching his stocky body right on Chase's lap.

When his arms wrapped around the boy's thick neck in a caress, Chase seemed momentarily stunned, as if he didn't even know how to react, going from complete shock to revulsion, before settling on pure, unadulterated rage.

"Mike is going to get pummelled," James breathed with a grin, unaware it was thanks to us.

A strange sniggering sound issued from our table and I looked over only to find that it was Peter. He watched with a slightly frantic light in his eyes as Mike now strained to snog Chase's face off.

Apparently losing the last scrap of his already meagre supply of patience, the Slytherin thrust his huge arm out at Bartinski, colliding with Mike's chest and shoving him back hard.

Still lost in the throes of lust, his body fell willingly, sprawling backwards onto the Ravenclaw table.

Unfortunately for him there just so happened to be an aptly placed trifle.

When the back of his head splattered in the trifle bowl, layers of cream and custard flew everywhere. It was like a dessert massacre.

Almost the entire hall broke out into rounds of laughter when they saw what had happened, and Marlene slapped the table repeatedly with the palm of her hand, unable to control her guffaws.

"What the hell is he doing?" she gasped when she could catch a breath.

Before Mike had chance to cause any more destruction to the Ravenclaws' food, McGonagall stalked from the teacher's table towards him, grabbing him by the forearm and sweeping him up and out of the hall with all of the efficiency she could muster.

Sirius turned back to me, both of us grinning.

"Now that was a prank," he said.

.o.

No longer having to hide their developing relationship, James and Lily were able to walk out of the hall hand in hand when we all left after dinner. Leading the way in front of us, they spoke in hushed voices to one another, clearly saying things not meant for our ears.

The rest of us were still wrapped up in reliving the almost artistic way Mike's head had caused the trifle to shower across the faces of nearby unsuspecting Ravenclaws.

"I have to say, all in all, that was a thoroughly enjoyable experience," Sirius commented as if reviewing a theatre show.

"You're telling me," Marlene said, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life. I mean apart from the time you went commando in front of all the hall of course."

Sirius pretended to laugh. "Good one."

"Mike will never be able to live that down," Peter observed, looking secretly pleased at the prospect.

"Oh, I'll make sure he doesn't," Marlene promised.

"What made you do it?" Sally asked Sirius curiously. "I mean, I know he's a complete berk, but he's always been alright with you. At least I thought he was?"

I looked at Sirius, praying he didn't mention my involvement.

"He needed to be taken down a peg or two," he shrugged carelessly. "Public humiliation tends to do the trick."

We approached the common room and stepped through the doorway, getting ready to disperse into our separate groups for the evening, but I sped up to reach Sirius before he could walk away up to the boys' dormitory.

"Hey," I called quietly, not wanting to attract the others attention.

When he carried on walking and didn't seem to hear I gave one last little jog.

"Sirius," I whispered close to the centre of his back.

Giving a start, he turned around sharply, and I chastised myself inwardly for my own weirdness, taking a step back.

When he saw who it was his face relaxed, "Sneaking up on me?" he asked, his hand absentmindedly reaching for the area of his back where my breath had hit.

"Sorry," I muttered. I felt suddenly foolish for even approaching him in the first place. "Just wanted to say thanks," I said quietly so no one could overhear. "For telling me what Mike had planned and... helping me."

Sirius looked visibly shocked.

He cupped a hand to his head, "Do my ears deceive me? Cheryl Morland saying thank you and sorry in the same breath to me, the despicable Sirius Black?"

He put a palm to my forehead. "Are you feeling unwell?"

I grabbed his fingers to pull him away, but when I did he hooked them through mine and held on.

With our hands intertwined like that his smile faltered, and his eyes searched mine, almost as if he had said something he expected a reply to and I had missed it.

"What have we here?" Marlene's loud voice rang out as she walked over to us with Sally at her side. "Two couples going public on the same day?"

As quickly as he had grabbed me, he let my hand drop, his expression changing almost instantly and a practised easy smile appearing on his face.

"There's no need to be jealous, McKinnon," " he said casually." There's more than enough of me to go around."

I was shocked when he reached out his arms and beckoned them both towards him.

A little too eager, Marlene pulled Sally reluctantly along with her.

With an arm around each of their shoulders, he eyes them appreciatively.. "See?" he said, looking pleased with himself.

Left to stand to one side like yesterday's leftovers, I walked quickly away without saying another word to any of them. I didn't turn around to see if they had noticed my reaction. At that moment I didn't care what they thought.