TITLE: The Silliest Burst Angel Alternative Ending to Date
AUTHOR: MikeJaffa
SYNOPSIS: AU. Nod to "Family Guy's" nod to "Office Space." Put down food and drink. You have been warned.
DISCLAIMER: Gonzo Owns Burst Angel. I am making no money off this fic
AUTHOR'S NOTE: A few months ago, I was doing a Zoom martial arts class, and through my Bluetooth headset, the instructor could hear a noisy bird in my back yard. How did my mind produce this within five minutes? I don't know, but I do not use controlled substances.
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"You have the wrong guy," Kyo protested as two RAPT troopers forced him down the corridor at gunpoint. They had broken into his apartment, driven to this strange facility in the middle of nowhere.
"Shut up," one of them growled.
A big door opened in front of him. The corridor was lined with tubes which had monsters inside them, like the monster he had seen in Osaka. He couldn't tell if they were alive. But then he saw Sei at the far end of the corridor.
"Sei!?" he yelped as he ran to her. "Did they capture you, too?"
Sei smiled and put a hand on his cheek. "No, I sent them." She looked past Kyo. "You are dismissed." She turned back to him. "Are you all right? Did they hurt you? I gave specific instructions you were not to be harmed."
"No, I'm ok…but wait, you're running things here?"
"Sort of. Bailan is aligned with Zero, which is the cabal behind RAPT. That's why I had to shut down the team. They've been distributing drugs around Japan that turn people into monsters whose mutated brains are harvested to run cybots. Jo and Maria are two genetically engineered girls who can control the brains telepathically, and they were bred to lead a war to conquer the world."
Kyo could just gawk. "And…you're going to end the world? Or are you going to stop them?"
"Well, I've put things on hold," Sei said. "See, the conspiracy has hit a snag. It's given me wiggle room."
"What—oh, no, Jo and this other girl are dead! Is that it?"
"No, Kyo, they're very much alive and getting along very well. That's the problem." She crossed to a control panel. "Prepare yourself."
She touched a button and the double doors slid opened. Kyo's jaw dropped at what he saw and heard…
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Sei could only stand helplessly, guarded by RAPT troopers, and watch as Django squared off with the syndicate Cybot on the overpass.
Django crouched down, and the other robot aimed an arm, firing shots from a double-barreled cannon. Django raced at it, dodging shots, and crashed it into the other robot. They crashed through the wall at a t-intersection and fell to the ground beneath. The robots got to their feet and squared off again.
Django's huge speakers crackled—maybe the impact had damaged its electronics?—and music started. Sei's eyes widened as she recognized it:
The opening of "Surfin Bird" by The Trashman.
"Oh no," Sei gawked. There must have been a leftover file of that accursed song in Django's onboard computers that they'd missed!
The music abruptly stopped. Then Jo's voice was heard: "Wait, where did it go?...Oh, sorry Maria, but-"
"Was that Surfin Bird?" a girl's voice interrupted from the other robot. "I haven't been able to play that in months!"
"I had a 45 RPM for a while," Jo said. "Don't know what happened to it. If you don't mind…"
"Oh, no, I understand, I can wait."
Sei shook her head slightly and muttered, "Nonono, Jo, forget the song, don't find the song, fight the big robot, rescue Sei, that's what you do, fightfightfightfightfightfight-"
"There it is!" Jo's voice sounded. "Goooooodie. Ok. Move it here, select this, and thaaaaaaaaaat, yes, aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnd…"
…and "Surfin Bird" started playing from Django's speakers.
Django's arms extended and he started doing the "Surfin Bird" dance. "Yeah!" Jo said. "I'm diggin' this…"
"Wh…" Maria stammered. "You think you know the Surfin Bird dance? I'll show you the dance…" Her robot's arms extended, and it started dancing.
"In your dreams, bitch!" Jo shot back.
Sei buried her face in one palm, making her the only human being on the ground or in the air who wasn't staring incredulously at the sight of the two mammoth robots doing the "Surfin Bird" dance.
The RAPT official's cell phone rang. Eyes locked on the two robots, he brought the phone to his ear. "Hello?...Yes, sir, Mr. Glenford…no, not yet…um, I don't know quite how to explain this…"
Sei was at the man's elbow. She said with a smile, "Mind if I handle this?"
"Please do." He handed her the phone.
Sei brought it to her ear. "Richard? Hi. I'm going to put you on speaker for a minute. Just listen." She put the phone on speaker and aimed it at the robots. Then she turned the speaker off and brought it back to her ear. "Did you get that?...Yes, both of them…You, too, huh?...Oh, yeah…hell yeah…We tried, but we must have missed a file…mm-hmm…listen, whatever you were planning, forget it…I know, but crap happens…"
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Kyo stood at the catwalk railing and stared down into the cavernous room where Jo and Maria did the Surfin Bird dance as the song played on the cavernous room's speakers.
He finally found his voice: "You mean…after…" He trailed off.
"Yes," Sei said, "after…"
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In many ways, the 45 RPM of the Trashman's "Surfin Bird" was an important artifact. Not only was it a song from the dawn of rock and roll, but the 45 RMP was an historical artifact.
But none of that mattered to Sei, Kyo, Meg, and Amy as they dropped the record in the middle of the field.
They took turns stomping it, punching it, and hitting it with a baseball bat. At the end, Kyo lost it: After hitting it with the butt end of the bat, he started punching the pieces. Sei and Meg pulled him off it. He seemed to calm down and walk away, but then he ran back to it and punched it a few more times until Sei and Amy pulled him off and they walked back to the trailer.
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"…Some good came of it," Sei said. "It took a surprising amount of effort, but I think I've been able to persuade the syndicate that if they already run the world, they don't have to conquer it again. That's like breaking into your own house after you have unlocked the front door. So the Apocalypse has been delayed. Hopefully permanently."
Kyo couldn't take his eyes off Jo and Maria. "And they've been having a Surfin Bird dance off without a brake?"
"Well, they have braked for… Let me put it this way: It seems Meg can do only so many lesbian threesomes in one day, though she might be able to do one more. And in case you were wondering, I have talked her down from becoming a nun. Twice. So far."
"And what, I'm supposed to cook for them?"
"Tomorrow, maybe. Tonight, you're going to bang my brains out. I've secured a soundproofed bedroom and Grandfather has kinda sorta given his blessing."
It took a few seconds for Sei's words registered. He did a double take: "What?"
Sei grabbed his cheeks and pressed a kiss onto his mouth; they embraced each other and deepened the kiss.
When they broke this kiss, Kyo said, "What did your grandfather say?"
"'What took you so long-'" She broke off and groaned as the song started again.
"Soundproofed?" Kyo asked.
"Perfectly. I already checked."
"Let's go."
THE END