Daydream Believer

I'd done some embarrassing things in my time, but nothing, nothing was as buttock-clenchingly humiliating as telling James I'd had a sex dream about Sirius.

No spells this time, no magic, just my own perverse subconscious. I felt like I was just one degree celsius away from spontaneously combusting.

My stomach gave a gurgle, interrupting my riotous thoughts.

Not wanting to risk facing Sirius, or any of the boys for that matter, I'd spent the last few hours since confronting James hiding out alone in the girls' dormitory. It was lunchtime now, but I was still waiting. If I left it long enough, I hoped they would've finished and left the hall by the time I got there.

"Unnnngh!"

My rumbling midriff argued violently against my logic, shaking its imaginary fist.

"Fine, fine, I'm going," I muttered to it. "But if they're still there I'm blaming you."

According to the clock there was just 15 minutes left of lunch. Surely it would be safe by now?

Making my way down the grand staircase, I stepped cautiously through the huge open door into the hall, my eyes peering around. There was definitely a lot less hubbub in there than usual thanks to the time.

Scanning the length of the Gryffindor table, I tried my best to spot the recognisable faces before they could see me.

My hungry stomach sank. There, near the middle of the long table, was Sally, Marlene, Lily and all four boys. Dorcas must've already finished up and gone.

I briefly considered taking a seat close to the door separate from them, but then they would have to walk right past me to leave. That would lead to some very awkward questions as to why on earth I hadn't sat with them.

I knew I had run out of choices. I needed food.

Making my way slowly down the hall towards them, I tried to gather up the crumbs of my trampled dignity from the floor as I went.

Just as I got within a foot of the group, a miracle happened.

Not seeing me come to a standstill behind them, Lily, James and Sirius all got up from their seats and started to step out from the table as if to leave, with Remus and Peter standing up on the opposite side.

"I'll see you in the common room," Lily was saying to Sally and Marlene as she stood.

Turning around, she almost bumped into me.

"Oh," she said in surprise before realising who it was. "Where have you been?" she asked when I gave her a tight smile, "You've practically missed dinner, aren't you hungry?"

I tried to look anywhere but at Sirius, keeping his face out of focus in my outer vision.

"Yeah, I was doing homework and didn't realise the time," I lied, making the most of their now empty seats to quickly sit down opposite Sally and Marlene.

As I did, I made the terrible mistake of glancing directly at James. A slow grin had started to spread across his face.

"On second thought," he said suddenly, "I'm actually still hungry."

I turned around and narrowed my eyes at him, unable to believe what he was doing.

"Yeah, I might stick around for a bit," he continued, his expression gleefully evil now.

Lily gave him a weird look. "James, you've had a roast dinner, two slices of apple pie and a cauldron cake for dessert, how hungry can you really be?"

"Oh, I'm ravenous," he said definitely, still looking at me as he re-took his seat leaving a space between us.

You git, James Potter, I told him with my glare, you absolute git! I watched his grin grow bigger in response.

"Suppose I'll meet you all back in the common room then," Lily said, obviously a little put out by his sudden change of heart.

Realising he'd been too preoccupied with enjoying my discomfit to say a proper goodbye to her, James leaned up briefly to give her a peck on the cheek.

"See you later," he said, before sitting back down.

Nothing was going to stop him from doing this.

"I'll walk with you," Remus assured her, only briefly glancing at me as they made their way out. "You coming?" he asked, looking expectantly back to Sirius and Peter.

James looked momentarily perturbed that the whole point of him staying might stroll out of the hall.

"Oh no, Padfoot's still hungry too, aren't you mate?"

He looked at Sirius meaningfully, his eyebrows raised. Before Sirius could make his own decision, James put a hand on his shoulder and pulled him firmly down towards the space he'd left between us.

"You can sit between me and Chez, all nice and cosy," he told him, his merriment clear in his voice.

As Peter left with Remus and Lily, I felt every bit of me set on fire as Sirius climbed in next to me.

His leg leant against mine as he settled in, causing me to pull away as if I'd been stung.

"Here," James said, dishing out a portion of trifle into a bowl and passing it to him. "Have some of this, it's an absolute dream."

I cringed internally.

From my position I was too close to be able to see Sirius's face even if I wanted to; physically turning to look at him would be too obvious. Instead my mind raced, wondering what exactly James had told him.

What had Sirius's reaction been when he found out? Had he laughed? Or maybe he'd felt disgusted at the idea.

I knew what made things ten times worse was my reputation for being a massive prude. Even with a boyfriend now, the idea of me, out of everyone, having sexy dreams was probably laughable.

Though Sirius had allowed James to place the unwanted dessert down in front of him, he left it untouched. Instead he rested his hands on his legs underneath the table, the one closest to me clenched into a fist.

Sally and Marlene watched the three of us over the top of their black forest gateau without a single clue as to what was going on.

I couldn't even eat anymore. To eat would require movement, and humiliation had literally frozen me in place.

"Are you alright?" Sally asked me when I hadn't moved in a whole minute.

I nodded. It turned out I couldn't actually form words anymore either.

Though James was pretending to eat his trifle, I could see him watching the two of us with voyeuristic fascination.

Sirius wasn't talking, and neither was I. Both of us were barely moving.

"Has anyone had any good dreams lately?" James asked abruptly, clearly impatient from the lack of entertainment.

"I think I might've had one about Quidditch the other night," Sally offered uncertainly.

"How about you, Marl?" he asked.

"I never remember mine," she stated, finishing the last spoonful of her gateau.

There was a pause and I knew even without looking that his eyes were fixed on me now.

"How about you, Chezza?" he asked slyly. "Any good dreams lately?"

Forcing my hands into action, I started to gather food items onto my plate. I would just have to choke them down and then leave immediately.

"No," I said in a low voice.

Under the guise of watching my movement, Sirius turned his head slightly in my direction.

Unable to hold myself back any longer, I met his eyes as I picked up my knife and fork.

The middle of his brow was dented almost imperceptibly. It was almost like he was trying to figure something out.

Looking quickly away, I glanced at Marlene. Sure enough, her crystal blue gaze was eyeing us closely over the top of her goblet full of pumpkin juice. I dropped my eyes firmly down to my plate and that was where they stayed until I'd eaten enough to be able to leave.

It was the longest ten minutes of my life.

Saying bye to my friends, I stepped over the bench, being extra careful not to touch any part of Sirius as I did. When I was safely out of the hall, I practically ran all the way back to the common room.

.o.

Deciding now would be the perfect time to hole up in a back section of the library to finish off a couple of Transfiguration essays, I gathered my books from my chest and hurried off.

By my calculations, lunchtime had finished 7 minutes ago, and I wasn't going to hang around the common room and wait for any of them to arrive. James had already been allowed one opportunity to watch me squirm.

Making it safely to the library, I decided to head to the very back where I knew there was a single table hidden amongst the ceiling high rows of shelving.

Once I'd seated myself on one of its two chairs, I allowed myself a quiet sigh of relief. I could easily spend a few hours here. If I conserved my energy I might not even need to go down to dinner.

I had been working peacefully for around an hour when I heard a set of footsteps.

Holding my breath, I stopped writing, my quill paused in mid-air.

Make that two sets of footsteps.

Straining my ears, I could just about make out hushed voices.

"Well this is a new one," the female voice whispered, "We've never done it in the library before."

"Down there," the male voice guided her, and I wished I could see where he was pointing.

"It stinks a bit though," the female voice observed, definitely getting closer now, "Musty." There was a pause before she added in disgust, "It smells like Slughorn's classroom."

When they walked unwittingly past the row of shelving I was sitting amongst, my insides gamboled. It was Sirius and Marlene.

Of all the places they could choose for an impromptu shag session, what were they doing there?

Still not realising I was right on the other side, he led her down the aisle behind mine. Luckily the masses of tattered books were densely stuffed in their rows, otherwise they would've been able to see right through to me.

I knew if I tried to move now they would definitely hear me, and then they would walk around to see who was hiding at the back of the library. I was literally trapped.

I would just have to pray that they did whatever they were going to do quietly and leave.

There was a brief shuffling noise and then Marlene gave a moan of displeasure.

I frowned - I was pretty sure Sirius had a better technique than that. He'd had enough practice after all.

"Why'd you push me off for?" she complained, her voice slightly muffled through the wall of books. "I thought that was the whole reason we came here."

"I brought you here to talk," Sirius said in reply.

"To talk? That sounds...boring."

"Listen," he said, ignoring her protestation, "I don't really know how to do this, so I'm just going to come out and say it... whatever it is that's been going on between us this last week, I don't think it's working anymore."

Both Marlene and I seemed to need a minute to register what he'd said.

"You don't think it's working...?" she repeated.

"It's nothing to do with you," he continued resolutely. "It's all on me-"

"Oh you've got to joking me?" she demanded, realising what was happening. "That's what this is all about - bringing me here. You're actually giving me the 'it's not you it's me' talk?"

There was yet another pause.

"Where's this coming from all of a sudden?" she asked. "Do I not satisfy you or something? Because I haven't heard you complaining 'til now."

"There's more to a relationship than sex, Marl."

She laughed shortly. "That's funny. Since when?"

"Since now," he replied firmly.

"So now you've got what you want from me you're moving on? Just like you always do. I should've seen it coming."

"It's not like that," he said in a low voice.

"Well, you've obviously made your mind up. I guess that's all there is to say." I could practically hear her rage and heartbreak intertwined.

"I guess so," he replied in a lower voice.

I heard her start to move to leave, her footsteps nearing the end of the row they were in.

"Marlene," he called after her.

The footsteps stopped.

"Yes?" she replied, her voice betraying a hint of leftover hope that he'd changed his mind, even after everything.

"You'll see eventually that I'm doing you a favour," he said, dashing it away. "We'd have made one another miserable, in the long run."

I heard her scoff. "What do you want me to say? Thank you?"

"I think you know it too," he maintained. "We're too similar."

"If you're hoping she'll leave Mederos for you, you'll be waiting a long time," she shot back.

The unsettled feeling inside me stilled suddenly at her mention of Jesse.

"I'm not hoping anything," Sirius replied.

"Everything I said in Hogsmeade was true," she continued anyway. "She might talk to you and call you her friend, but she'll never be able to trust you. Not after the way you used to treat her. You're dreaming if you think she's got past it."

Satisfied that she'd said her piece, I heard her stride away, going past my row without even giving it a second glance.

A few seconds later, Sirius followed in her footsteps.

I looked at my parchment sightlessly while my mind raced, trying to identify the feeling brewing in my rib cage. A part of me felt like I shouldn't examine it for too long in case I found something there I didn't want to acknowledge.

With it fluttering away like a moth pursuing a flame, I doused it in water, drowning it.

.o.

Not wanting to leave the area straight away in case I bumped into them, I waited in the library for another hour, still trying to finish my homework. Though I'd picked my quill back up, it didn't make a single mark, my concentration wrecked.

What had just happened was so surreal that I started to wonder whether I hadn't just imagined it all. Perhaps it was yet another dream?

I pinched the skin on the top of my hand tightly.

"Ouch," I mouthed. No, it was definitely not a dream. Sirius really had just broken up with Marlene because he wanted 'more' in a relationship. And she really thought that the reason for it was me.

Once I felt sure the coast was clear, I put my stuff away and headed back towards the common room, still keeping an eye out just in case anyone was still hanging around.

When I got there my eyes explored our usual choice of seating area in front of the fire.

Just as I'd suspected everyone was there. Watching them from a safe distance near the portrait hole, I could see Lily sat next to James as normal, his hand resting on her leg. Sirius and Marlene, however, were now very much apart.

It was strange seeing them as two separate bodies after all the time she'd spent spread out across his lap. I wondered if his legs were grateful of the break.

Moving as stealthily as I could, I worked my way around the outskirts of the room, staying at the furthest point away from them at all times.

If I could just avoid them for the rest of the weekend, James might get bored of teasing me by Monday, at least enough for him to move onto something else.

Keeping one eye on them as I walked, I watched them all still chatting, blind to my presence.

It was only when I was halfway around that I noticed Sirius looking in my direction.

I almost walked right into a chair in response. Taking a moment to straighten myself, I blinked over at him.

Though he was still chatting nonchalantly, his focus was definitely on me, still wordlessly following my path around the room.

As soon as I made it to the girls dormitory staircase, his eyes flickered away as if nothing had happened, laughing instead at something Remus had said.

Racing up the stairs, I collapsed on my bed.

He had let me pass knowing I was trying to avoid them. Almost like a favour.

I looked up at the ceiling, my legs and arms spread out like a starfish. Perhaps it was because I'd covered for him when he hid from the Slytherin girl the other day, I reasoned.

There was no way Marlene could be right. Sirius could never like me enough to give up on a relationship where his every physical need was taken care of. Especially considering I was basically off-limits anyway. What would be the point?

The sound of the bed in front of mine creaking made me physically jump up.

"Mary?" I said incredulously. "I didn't see you there."

"Why aren't you down there with your friends?" she asked, lowering the book she had been reading.

The curtains around her bed were drawn on either side of her, creating a window for her to see me through. It had cast her in shadow. She must've extinguished the light from her wand as soon as she heard me come in.

"I'm tired," I said, letting my head fall back down to my pillow and trying not to feel spied on.

Pulling her left-hand curtain aside, she pushed herself up from her bed, putting her book face down on her bedside table in a butterfly position to keep the page.

She made her way over to me and for some inexplicable reason came to stand at my side. Still led down, I looked up at her out of the side of my eye.

We made prolonged eye contact for a second and at first I thought she was going to smother me with my own pillow.

"So did you manage to speak to Ant about his sleepwalking?" she asked finally.

I closed my eyes, exhaling. Not this again.

"Yes," I stated.

"And?" she pushed, "What did he say?"

"Have you seriously not spoken to him since?"

"No," she replied, her expression turning desolate. "He won't even talk to me at all anymore. Says it's not safe for us to be around each other. I have no idea what's going on with him."

I sighed, my irritation thawing.

Still not really in the right frame of mind to sugar coat things, I propped myself up and proceeded to tell her exactly what had happened between Ant and I in Hogsmeade on the day he'd tried to drag me out of town.

I even told her about my conversation with Sprout afterwards, right down to the fact she'd said she was dealing with it now to make sure he didn't hurt anyone else, or himself.

Glad I was finally free of the responsibility of filling her in, I settled back down, but Mary's normally haughty face was aghast.

"I have to find him," she said without a second's thought. "I can't believe he's had to face all this on his own."

I didn't have the energy to stop her as she rushed out of the room.

It was something that would probably haunt me for a long time- thinking back to the exact moment when I could've prevented what was ultimately going to happen. Like stopping the first in a series of dominoes from toppling over, effectively halting the subsequent chain of events.

But with no way of knowing it right then, I just let her go.