What Does The Fox Say?
Somewhere in the background I heard an owl ruffle its feathers, but it was way too dark to see it by now, hidden away in its small alcove in the wall.
"If thinking I'm ashamed of you is all that's stopping you from saying yes," Sirius continued with the same unfamiliar intensity, "then fine, let's go. We'll go and tell everyone now."
He took a step towards the doorway as if he would go and do it right that second.
He swept a hand through his hair.
"I'll make an announcement about it in the common room for Merlin's sake. I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks about us, Cheryl," his grey eyes held mine and refused to let them go, "not anymore. And if you feel the same way about me, then neither should you."
I looked back at him; his expression so serious I couldn't even pretend it was a joke.
There was a steady rumbling in my chest as if my heart was about to take off. It started to leap from my body, fluttering upwards, but I reached out and grabbed it, grappling it violently to the floor.
What is wrong with you? I asked it.
Jesse's kind white smile popped into my head. All he'd ever done was make me feel like I was worthy of being cared about; started to help me see how being with someone should be.
Sirius probably didn't even know what he was saying anyway. He wasn't thinking straight. He was upset.
I found it increasingly hard to keep looking at him, so I cast my eyes down at the dark stone floor instead.
"I-"
"You can't do it," he finished my sentence before I could.
I didn't answer and he nodded, already backing away from me.
It was as if the enormity of everything he'd just said to me had finally hit him.
"I'm sorry," I said truthfully, but it just seemed to make it even worse.
"Me too," he replied in a low voice.
Moving over to where he'd left his letter on the windowsill, he picked it up and scrunched it carelessly into his hand. Without turning to look at me again, he walked out of the door and headed down the winding walkway back towards the castle.
I knew the lead-weight feeling was coming before it even hit my stomach, but the force of it still managed to make me feel sick.
Waiting for his long strides to carry him out of sight, I left the accusatory hooting of the Owlery behind and followed in his path.
Sirius Black; the boy who had made two years of my childhood a living nightmare, and who'd tried to do exactly the same thing when I first arrived back at the school earlier this year, just told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
A small, but furious voice inside my head called me a coward for saying no to him after everything he had said, reminding me of how unsettlingly gratifying it had felt to hear him tell me he couldn't stop thinking about me.
No, I argued against it. It wasn't cowardice. It was being loyal to Jesse. It was self-preservation.
.o.
Rather than have to be alone with my thoughts for much longer, I headed straight back to the common room in the hope there would be someone there to distract me.
When I made my way over to the seating area, James looked up at me as I approached, with Lily cuddled up on the same oversized chair.
Though Remus and Peter were sat on the three-seater sofa just next to them, there was no sign of Sirius.
A feeling of something washed over me, but I wasn't sure if it was relief or disappointment.
"Hey-"James called to me immediately with a broad grin, as if getting ready to start his dream-based taunting again.
"Don't," I cut him off distractedly.
It didn't matter what he said anymore. After everything Sirius had just told me, having a dream about him suddenly felt insignificant in comparison.
Besides, everything that had happened was pretty much James's fault. If he'd just kept his mouth shut about my dream, Sirius would never have broken up with Marlene. He never would've admitted he had any kind of feelings for me, real or otherwise.
Eyeing the spare seat next to Remus on the sofa, I collapsed back into it. Rather than be pressed against my side, he shuffled over quickly to allow me more room.
"I'm just tired," I said to Lily's questioning look.
Pulling a face that told me she would expect to know exactly what was going on afterwards, she turned back to continue her discussion with James and Peter.
I sat with my arm resting on the side of the chair, the thumb and forefinger of my other hand worrying my bottom lip. Even though I was less than a foot away from them, I couldn't really concentrate on what they were saying.
'I don't understand how I could've ever made you feel worthless...because you're exactly the opposite.'
I could still picture Sirius's face as he'd said it.
I knew the feelings he'd managed to bring out in me before I'd regained control over myself weren't something that could've developed overnight, but I also had no idea where they had come from.
I liked Jesse... I fancied Jesse. So why did it now feel like my entire body would pull itself apart from the unbearable feeling of longing tearing at it?
"Want to talk about it?"
I looked around in surprise to find Remus's intelligent eyes turned to face me.
"About what?" I asked, wondering how long he had been observing me without me knowing it.
"Whatever it is that's making you look like the weight of the world is on your shoulders?"
"No, I'm fine," I muttered.
"Might help you feel better." He glanced at Lily still keeping James and Peter occupied, "Talking to someone, I mean."
He paused before adding, "I've been told I'm an exceptional listener."
Sightlessly grabbing the cushion next to me, I pulled it onto my lap as if it could act as some kind of shield.
"I'm fine," I said definitely.
"...to come along, Moony? Moony? Moony! Hello!"
We both looked across to find James waving a hand in front of him, trying to get Remus's attention.
"Merlin...have you gone deaf man?" He stared between us.
"Come along where?" Remus asked, forced to pull his scrutinising gaze away from me.
"To my parents' log cabin," Peter said, barely able to contain his excitement at the idea. "In Epping Forest."
"Peter's parents have sent a letter saying he and his friends can use it for a night or two during the Christmas holidays," Lily elaborated helpfully. "Probably starting on the first Wednesday we have off?" she looked at Peter for confirmation.
He nodded, before looking at Remus and adding, "It has a log fire," as if that fact alone should make him say yes without any hesitation.
"Er, I'll see," Remus replied unconvincingly.
Not picking up on his reluctance, Peter grinned.
"You can come too, if you like," Lily offered hesitantly, looking at me. "Apparently it's a case of the more the merrier."
Despite what Lily had said, Peter looked like 'the more the merrier' wasn't actually meant for me.
"It is quite small though," he interjected.
He didn't need to bother selling it down. There was no way I was going to be trapped with Sirius in what was basically a glorified wooden box in the middle of nowhere overnight.
"Maybe," I said non-committedly. Peter seemed reassured by my reluctance.
Listening to them go on to set times and make plans for their 'Christmas cabin night', I kept my gaze firmly away from Remus this time, not wanting to risk him restarting his questioning.
.o.
I managed to make it through Monday's morning lessons without too much hassle, though I hadn't slept a wink.
Without any distractions to keep my attention, my mind had decided that 2am was the perfect time to pick apart and analyze every last frame of what had happened in the Owlery.
As I'd expected, Sirius wouldn't even look at me in Potions first thing, and even James had seemed uncharacteristically quiet around me. In fact, I hadn't heard his usual shout of 'Chezza!' all day.
"I suppose you're not going to tell Marlene?" Lily asked when I finally told her what had happened while we were sat in Charms class.
"No chance," I replied, the mere thought of it too horrifying to imagine.
Though I'd told Lily most of what had happened, I hadn't quite plucked up the courage to share the part where I'd reciprocated his physical contact, even for a second. I couldn't even stand to think about it anymore. It was too shameful.
Flitwick passed our workspace and I pretended to swish my wand at the pile of coloured wool we'd been given, as if I was actually capable of concentrating on the knitting charm right now.
Lily did the same, except her charm actually worked, the knitting needles rising to attention like soldiers and picking up the strands of wool. Acting on her will, they started to tease them into a stripy scarf.
We both watched it start to emerge in front of us with expert technique, before Lily turned her attention back to me.
"Did you want to say yes to him?" she questioned.
I frowned at her.
"I have a boyfriend," I replied obviously.
"And if you didn't?"
I lifted my wand again and stopped the knitting needles mid-air. I couldn't stand the click-clack-clicking noise they were making anymore.
"I don't know," I said, wishing she would just stop pushing it.
What did she want me to say?
I was with Jesse, and that was that.
.o.
By the time we got to the Great Hall for lunch, everyone was already sat down with their plates in front of them. As I took a seat by Dorcas, I saw James glance at Sirius from their position opposite me, but he was still refusing to even look in my direction.
Lily sat down next to them and gave me a sympathetic look.
Sally, Marlene and Dorcas were still thankfully unaware of what had happened, briefly greeting us before continuing to chat happily to Peter about what I could only assume was his cabin plan.
It was the most cheerful I had seen Marlene since her break up with Sirius. She even seemed to be up for joining the boys for their little forest sleepover, despite the fact the log hut was probably the size of a bathroom with nowhere for either her or Sirius to escape to.
I had originally thought she would be just as keen as me to avoid it, but the animated way she was already planning the games they could play there told me that definitely wasn't the case.
Unable to stop myself, my eyes wandered over to Sirius every so often, peering across just to watch him existing as if it was somehow too fascinating for me to miss.
When he held his goblet, I looked at the way his fingers spread themselves around it. When he brought the fork to his mouth, I studied the way his jaw moved and clenched as he chewed. I even watched him wordlessly react to the others while they were talking, his face changing ever so slightly as he processed each new thing that was said.
I bowed my head, pulling my eyes away from him. I was acting like I was the one obsessed.
In the end I decided to leave the Great Hall as soon as I'd finished eating. The need to pick up the textbooks for my afternoon lessons was as good an excuse as any to escape and get my head together.
Heading up the Grand Staircase, I made my way up the floors towards the girls dormitory.
Just as I stepped onto the third floor staircase, it decided to shift completely on its axis, sending me zooming over to the opposite wall abutting the Serpentine Corridor.
Once the platform had stilled, I looked around to regain my bearings. Its sudden change in position meant I would now have to take an alternate route to the one I normally used when climbing up to the seventh floor.
After taking a second to plan my new path upwards, I raised my leg to continue where I'd left off, but something moving to my immediate left caught my eye.
Stopping with my foot a couple of inches in the air, I peered down the corridor that led away from the staircase towards Defence Against the Dark Arts.
"No way," I muttered out loud.
Frowning at the sight of the familiar figure walking away towards the DADA class, I watched as what looked the supposedly missing Professor Mison made his way towards his old classroom, as if he'd never been away.
I stared after him, frozen to the spot. Though I could only see the man from behind, he had exactly the same build, and wore exactly the same slim fitting clothes as our former DADA professor had.
I went to call out to him, but the words wouldn't seem to come out. I wasn't sure why I suddenly felt so shy when I'd been openly worrying about him for so long, but after telling McGonagall the story of how I thought he'd been kidnapped, I felt almost embarrassed to see him now. Strolling along like nothing had happened.
Once he reached the door to his class, he opened it and walked inside, disappearing from view.
I paused for a second. There was no way I could just carry on to Care of Magical Creatures without at least checking it was really him.
If it was, it would mean I had been wrong about Sirius's brother having something to do with the Professor's disappearance the whole time
Making my decision, I stepped down from the staircase before it could move again. Heading down along the corridor I had just seen the Professor walk down, I followed in his footsteps towards his classroom.
Once I had positioned myself outside of the door, it took all of my courage to lift my hand to knock it, but somehow I heard the distant rap, rap, rap of my knuckles against the solid wood.
There was a moment of silence, and then came the unmistakable sound of the door handle being turned from the other side. I had to swallow the urge to turn around and run away at full pelt before he could see me.
The rattling of the handle stopped with a soft 'click', and the door finally opened.
I stared back at him. Golden brown hair, hazel eyes, a light tan...impossibly tall and slim...there was no denying that it was him.
"Professor Mison," I managed to stammer out.
"Miss Morland," he smiled genially, peering down at me.
I stalled momentarily. Though he looked the same it was like something wasn't quite right. I narrowed my eyes at him, realising it was because he'd used my surname.
Oblivious to my confusion, he added, "Can I help you?"
"Erm, yes," I had to try and get my brain into gear. "I just came to see you about..." I tried frantically to think of something to say, realising I hadn't actually planned anything, "Well, I just noticed you were back and wondered if you would be teaching us next lesson now?"
I thanked Merlin I was able to think of something to say that actually made sense. Though my tone was extremely hopeful, Mison's face did not look promising.
"Sorry, Cheryl," he said, reverting back to my first name as if he'd heard my earlier thoughts, "I've just come back to pick up any belongings I left behind then I'm off again, I'm afraid."
"Oh." I felt a thud of disappointment. "Where will you be going?"
He seemed oddly unprepared for the fairly obvious question.
"I'm moving to a position at the Ministry," he said after a pause, maintaining my eye contact. "I haven't got much time to get my things together though," he added quickly, "So if there's nothing else-" he started to close the door, "-I really better get back to it."
I blinked, upset that he was just abandoning us to Professor Military, just like that. If I hadn't spotted him, we might never have known what had gone on.
"Good luck in your new job," I said weakly.
He smiled again, though it was slightly strained. "Thank you. And all the best for the future."
The door closed in my face.
Though it had been a bit of a strange encounter, I couldn't help but feel a little better that at least I'd seen for myself that he was okay now.
Professor Military, it seemed, had got the job fair and square, even if he was truly awful... and Mison had thankfully not been kidnapped by Sirius's brother and brutally murdered. Everything had been wrapped up nicely just in time for Christmas.
Besides, I had started to hope that perhaps McGonagall would get rid of the Military problem soon enough - based on what she'd said to Lily and me in her office before the Tournament, and the fact she had been watching us all struggle with the dangerous assault course from the stalls.
It felt like she'd her beady eye on him enough to presume his days were definitely numbered.
At least I hoped that was the case. And whoever they got to replace him couldn't be anywhere near as bad.
.o.
Once I'd collected my textbooks from the bedroom, I hurried back down the staircase and out across the grounds towards Care of Magical Creatures.
If I could get there within the next five minutes, I would just about make it on time.
Running around the side of the Groundkeeper's hut with my heavy bag bouncing against my hip, I slowed my pace to a fast walk once in sight of the open space Professor Kettleburn used for his outdoor lesson.
The other students were already standing around him while he showed them something at the front of the class. There was a strange buzzing sound coming from whatever it was.
Out of breath, I tried to act casual, dropping my bag into the pile of everyone's belongings over at the edge of the clearing before quietly joining them at the very back.
I inwardly celebrated my ninja-like stealthiness as I managed to blend in without being spotted.
"Now class," Kettleburn said, heaving himself back up to a standing position from where he had been crouched, "I would like for you all to harvest one pint of Glumbumble treacle."
He raised one of his remaining fingers, "That's at the very least, mind you. Glumbumbles produce treacle in extremely plentiful quantities, so you should have no trouble at all getting up to at least half a gallon."
Someone whistled in appreciation.
"Indeed," replied Kettleburn, looking pleased by their shared enthusiasm. "Now, get into groups of 4 or 5, collect a nest and away you go!"
Everyone dispersed immediately, grabbing at their friends before anyone else could claim them.
I looked around the shuffling bodies trying to find Lily.
"Cheryl!"
Before I could turn around to her, Lily's hands had grasped my arm, claiming me as one of her group members.
"Who else shall we pair up with?" Her eyes were alight as she scanned our classmates.
"Maybe we should ask James and Sirius." I tried to keep my tone casual, but it didn't seem to work.
She stopped peering around and looked at me.
"Really?"
"I've got an update on Professor Mison... And considering we thought his disappearance might have something to do with Sirius's brother-"
"-You thought it might have something to do with Sirius's brother-" she corrected.
"-Fine, I thought that," I relented, "Anyway, I figured it's only fair to tell him and James as well. Especially since he said they'd be looking into it for me."
Sirius deserved to know about Mison's reappearance, and I knew that I needed to be the one to tell him, regardless of what had happened yesterday.
"Are you sure you definitely want to do this?" Lily asked, though I could tell she was secretly pleased about the idea of being able to work with James. "There'll be no avoiding them once we're in a group together. And what if he gets the wrong idea from it?"
"He won't," I dismissed definitely, as if I had any way of knowing what went through his head. "Besides, we just don't need to tell them it was my idea. You can say it's because you want to work with James."
I knew I was digging myself into a hole even as I was saying it; why would we need to lie if there really was an innocent explanation for wanting to work with them?
But though she still looked unconvinced, she seemed to think better of debating it anymore.
"If you're sure then."
.o.
A minute or two later, Lily led the way over to an unclaimed work space while Sirius went to fetch a Glumbumble nest and treacle harvesting tools.
Despite James's eagerness at Lily's request to partner up, Sirius's face had been like stone.
"What do you think, mate?" James had asked him when we approached, with me standing a safe step behind Lily, "Shall we team up with the girls?"
Sirius had glared at him, as if wordlessly telling him exactly what he thought of the idea, before finally saying, "I'll get the apparatus," in a dull voice.
Kneeling around one of the overturned crates that Kettleburn had provided for everyone as a worktop, James, Lily and I all looked at one another awkwardly while we waited for Sirius to come back with the stuff we needed.
When he finally approached us with his arms full, he lowered himself into the only free space between James and me, placing the nest on the crate and crossing his legs.
It felt strange having him so close to me again, but I could tell his barrier was all the way back up, practically reinforced with titanium and barbed wire.
James immediately picked up the scraping tool and started to use it to separate the gooey treacle from the honeycomb-like structures in the Glumbumble's nest. I was just glad the aggressive bee-like creature had long since been evacuated; I couldn't imagine it would be very happy with us snatching the fruits of all its hard work.
"So what was it you started to tell me earlier?" Lily asked me pointedly, simultaneously craning her neck to check James was using the proper technique. "You didn't get a chance to finish."
I knew she was giving me the opening I needed to tell them all what I'd seen without making it obvious.
"Oh yeah," I said casually, pretending to just remember, "I was just going to say...I saw Professor Mison earlier."
Three sets of eyes immediately fixed themselves in my direction.
"He's back?" Lily was the first to speak, shock replacing her faux curiosity.
Even Sirius's practiced look of disinterest had disappeared, waiting for me to reveal more details.
"He went inside his classroom," I addressed him, making the most of the fact he was actually looking at me again. "As if he'd never been gone."
"So it wasn't Regulus's fault after all," he stated.
"No," I admitted.
"Is he back for good now then?" Lily asked. "Does this mean Professor Saunderson is leaving?"
"No," I replied again, wishing she was right. I went on to tell them everything Mison had said about leaving to take up a job at the Ministry.
"At least he's not dead then, eh?" James noted darkly once I'd finished, putting the scraper down into the container meant for the treacle.
"It does mean we're stuck with Saunderson though," I pointed out.
He raised a shoulder, "I don't find him all that bad."
I held back an eye roll. The only reason James liked Military was because he'd given him a chance to show off during the Tournament.
Sirius picked the scraper up from where it had been abandoned and re-started the effort on the dripping honeycomb structures.
"Suppose it's case closed then," he said simply.
With his face now regaining the emotionless expression he did so well, he transferred the dark, thick substance into the jug with expert technique.
It shimmered in the light as if filled with millions of specks of glitter.
.o.
"So have you made up your mind about whether you'll come with us to Peter's cabin?" Lily asked as we all walked back to the castle after the lesson had finished.
With only Lily and James doing most of the talking for the rest of the lesson, we had managed to get a whole jug full of treacle between us, earning us all 5 House points each.
From her other side, James turned to see my response, with Sirius keeping his head facing forwards.
"Probably not," I replied truthfully.
"Why?" James interjected.
"Don't really think Peter wants me there to be honest," I stated.
He made a dismissive sound.
"Wormtail wouldn't mind," he said carelessly. "Besides, you never know, you might even enjoy yourself. Unless you think your boyfriend might not like it?" he added pointedly.
"Stop stirring," I heard Lily mutter to him under her breath.
"How are things going with him anyway?" he asked instead.
"I haven't really seen him since the Tournament," I answered. "Haven't had a Defense lesson since last Friday."
He raised an eyebrow. "Are you kidding? You seriously only see him when you have DADA lessons together?" He glanced at Sirius, "Not much of a relationship," he muttered.
I furrowed my brow at him, feeling defensive. "We're in different houses. It's not like we can sit together at dinner."
Was there really some kind of rule of how often you should see your boyfriend for it to count as a proper relationship?
It wasn't like I'd ever had any experience to know any different. It made me wonder if Jesse felt the same way.
"Maybe you could bring him along to the cabin?" James suggested, "We're all dying to get to know him properly."
His grin was wicked, making me instantly wary of what he would have planned if I did.
"No thanks," I replied definitely.
If I could help it, Jesse wouldn't come within 10 feet of James or Sirius ever again.
"You know I was joking, right?" James asked me as we got closer to the castle. "About doing something to your boyfriend if you bring him to the cabin."
"Were you?" I asked dubiously.
He looked at me like he couldn't believe I would question his moral compass like that.
"Of course. Besides, Lily would probably kill me if I did anything, and that would only be after torturing me with my own-"
"Alright, fine, I believe you," I interjected quickly. I had just noticed Jesse waiting for me outside of the Defence class as we got closer.
James followed my eye-line.
"You really should bring him along, y'know." He didn't bother to hide his very obvious nod towards Jesse, "Might give you a chance to spend some actual time together... outside of the Defence classroom, I mean."
Turning away from me, he leant down to Lily, giving her a peck on the cheek before he and Sirius walked away from us towards their next class.
Jesse looked curious as we approached.
"Bring me along where?" His eyes moved from James's retreating back to Lily and I.
Not for the first time in my life did I curse James's obnoxiously loud mouth.
"To our friend's place for a couple of days over Christmas," Lily answered him as she breezed past us into the classroom. "You're welcome to join us. Isn't he, Chel?"
We followed her in and I watched in horror as Jesse's eye lit up at the idea.
"Really?" he asked, visibly flattered by the invite, "Are you sure your friend would not mind?"
"The more the merrier," Lily repeated what she had said to me earlier, despite the fact it'd been obvious Peter didn't want anyone apart from his close friends to go.
Jesse looked at me with a smile, "I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to, perhaps, come to visit me over the holidays. But this would be perfect. We could meet in the middle."
The thought of spending a night in a secluded cabin with Jesse gave me a thrill of nervous excitement. I had to remind myself that it would also mean Jesse and Sirius in an enclosed space together.
Regardless of James's assurance, I knew there was no way they would be able to stop themselves from doing something to embarrass me at some point or other.
I held back a shudder.
"You wouldn't mind me coming along, would you?" Jesse asked as we sat down in our seats. I looked up to find an uncertain expression on his face, his brown eyes watching me.
I felt bad he'd picked up on it.
"It's not that. I'm just not sure I'm actually going myself."
"Why not?" he asked, pulling the parchment from his bag.
Well, Cheryl? I asked myself. How are you going to explain why you wouldn't want to spend some quality time with your boyfriend and friends over Christmas?
"I was thinking maybe we could do our own thing over the holiday," I said carefully, thinking on the spot. "Like, maybe, ice-skating or a Christmas market or..."
I felt his hand on my back and stopped talking, hardly daring to meet his gaze.
When I did, I saw that his mouth was quirked ever so slightly upward.
"That sounds good," he said simply.
I gave him a small grateful smile.
"Sorry," I said, though I wasn't exactly sure which part I was sorry for.
Still watching me like I was an adorable kid in my first school play, he leaned forward to give me a quick peck on the lips. We had barely touched when there was a deafening shout a few feet away.
"UP!"
I felt Jesse lurch away from me, almost falling backwards off his stool.
Throwing his hands out to grip the table, he managed to steady himself just in time, and we both looked across at Professor Military, who had strode into the room without us even realising.
Military went to stand behind his desk.
"Get up!" he shouted again when everyone stayed seated looking bemused, "All of you!"
We and all of the students sitting around us reluctantly got to our feet.
"There's going to be a change of seating plan," he said with an almost sadistic pleasure.
There was a low rumble of displeasure and groans in response
"Another one?" Marlene demanded at my right.
Military slammed his hand onto his desk with a massive 'THUD!'
"Silence!" he bellowed, his bloodshot eyes bulging out of his head at her. "If you want someone to thank for your disruption, you can all look no further than your two classmates-"
Jesse and I froze when his meaty finger jabbed in our direction.
"-when they decided it was acceptable to use my classroom as a place to fornicate!"
When everyone's focus darted accusingly in our direction, I kept my eyes squarely on Military. I had never wished something bad on someone as violently as I wished something bad would happen to him right at that moment.
He made it sound like we'd both stripped off and gone at it in front of everyone.
I avoided Marlene's questioning gaze.
"Now," he continued, "It seems fitting that we start our new seating plan off with our very own Aethus over there." He beckoned Jesse with a single curling finger.
Releasing a short gust of air, Jesse picked up his stuff and walked reluctantly away from our table; Aethus was the infamous name of the Wizarding world's version of Romeo.
"Get over there," Military ordered him, pointing him over next to the Gryffindor Ben Thomas on the other side of the room. "And try to keep your hands to yourself this time."
One by one, Military uprooted us all yet again.
Even though he'd used Jesse and I as an excuse to move everyone around, I had a nasty feeling he really just wanted to make sure no-one was allowed to get too comfortable in his class. It made it easier for him to keep the upper hand that way. To keep his power over us.
And unfortunately, it worked. We all spent the rest of the lesson in complete silence.
.o.
When the class finally ended, I stepped outside and waited just outside the door for Jesse to appear.
In the time I was meant to have spent listening to Military's summary of offensive hexes, I had actually come to a monumentous decision.
It was one that I knew future me might be extremely pissed off about, but at the time it felt like the right thing to do.
"Jesse," I reached out for his hand as he went to unknowingly walk past me.
He turned and hung back, stepping out of the way of everyone desperate to escape.
"I don't think I am going to make it through another one of those lessons," he muttered. "It was the one time we got to spend together, and now even that has been taken away."
I looked at his disheartened face, his words only making me even more sure about what I was about to suggest.
"I've been thinking about it," I started, eyeing the last dregs of students leaving the classroom. "I think we should go stay with my friends in the holidays."
Jesse's eyebrow rose in surprise. "But I thought-"
I pulled him further away from the door so we could have a bit more privacy.
"It would be good for us to spend some proper time together," I explained. "And if I went to your place or you came to mine, we'd have a few hours and then we'd have to go home. But this way we could have actual days together."
I paused, watching him take it in.
"If you still want to, obviously," I added, feeling a bit more uncertain when he didn't say yes straight away.
"Still want to?" he repeated. His mouth pulled into a straight line. "Hmm, that is a good question. Do I still want to spend time with my girlfriend?"
He put his hand to his chin, pretending to think about it.
I pulled it away and he grinned crookedly.
"So is that a yes?" I asked.
"It is a yes."
.o.
"So I was thinking," I said as I walked him back to his common room, "we could tell our parents we're staying with friends for the weekend or something, and it wouldn't be a lie, because we actually would be staying with friends. I would just maybe leave out the tiny boyfriend detail."
Jesse seemed to find my planning amusing. "Is there a reason you don't want your parents to know about me yet?"
I thought about my mum's reaction the last time I made the mistake of casually telling her I even fancied someone.
'You're a bit young for that, aren't you?' she had said, managing to look amused, concerned and embarrassed all at the same time. 'There's plenty of time for boys when you get older.'
That had been last year. And it had been an actor in a film we'd watched.
I dreaded to think how she would react if I told her I had an actual real-life boyfriend.
"I will tell them," I promised lightly, "Just not right now."
We turned a corner and the Ravenclaw common room entrance came into view, with its signatory handle-less door.
The eagle-shaped knocker looked primed and ready to throw one of its impossible riddles in Jesse's direction.
"I just hope your friend's parents are okay with us all staying in their cabin like that," he said, making the knocker wait a bit longer.
I had never really stopped to consider Peter's parents, or even what kind of people they were. I figured they must have been fairly easy going though, considering they were letting him use their property without any obvious adult supervision.
I shrugged. "Peter would've said something when James first invited us all if they weren't." Even as I said it, I really hoped that it was true.
"The more you take, the more you leave behind." The eagle knocker had finally lost patience with us and decided to say its riddle whether we were ready or not. "What am I?" it demanded grandly.
Jesse didn't even look at it. "You're footsteps," he replied easily.
With the knocker looking disappointed at being bested so quickly, a door knob magically appeared where there had been a plain plank of wood before.
Jesse put his hand around it before it could decide to disappear again.
Moving his head back slightly, he beckoned me closer.
I took a step and looked up at him despondently, not wanting him to leave now we wouldn't even be able to spend DADA together anymore.
"Just a few more days and we break up for Christmas," he said as if he could tell what I was thinking, "You will be fed up with me after a day, you'll see."
He slid his free hand around my waist, "Think we could do this without being shouted at this time?"
I tilted my face to meet his.
When we broke apart he made a low groaning noise. "Remind me, how many days is it until the holidays begin again?"
"A few." I tried to calm my breathing.
"Want to meet after dinner tonight?"
His question took me by surprise. It wasn't something we'd done before.
"Yeah, sure," I replied uncertainly.
"We could go and study in the library. Catch up on our Defence homework."
I nodded slowly, realising now that studying probably wasn't what he had in mind.
"See you then," Jesse promised, releasing me from his grip.
After he stepped inside and the door closed behind him, the handle disappeared again as if it had never been there.
.o.
Walking back down the Ravenclaw tower staircase, I started towards the Gryffindor tower, heading for my own common room.
With an hour to dinner and my stomach begging for food, I had already started to plan out what I was going to have.
Tomato soup, then pasta in marinara sauce and meatballs, then treacle tart.
No wait; that was far too much tomato.
Vegetable soup, then pasta in marinara sauce, and then treacle tart.
My mouth started to water.
"I've warned you to just leave me alone. But you won't stop sticking your nose in, following me around."
I stopped at the sound of the faint male voice, looking around to find where it was coming from.
"I'm sorry," a girl answered him, sounding desperate, "but I'm really worried about you, Ant. You're not acting like yourself."
Ant?
"Worried?" the boy scoffed. "You're embarrassing yourself, Mary. Even my mates have started to notice how obsessed you are with me."
Mary... Ant.
I peered back at the route I should be taking to get to the common room, then over to where I could hear them still arguing with one another.
I knew it was wrong even as I did it, but still I put my weight onto the tiptoes of my feet and crept further down the corridor, following the sound of their voices.
It wasn't my fault people kept insisting on airing their dirty laundry in public. What was I supposed to do, just pretend I hadn't heard it and carry on as usual?
If I did that, then I wouldn't be able find out what was going on.
Reaching the end of the corridor, I peeked my head around the corner. I spotted the two of them immediately, standing alone in the middle of the quiet walkway.
Sucking in a breath, I quickly tucked my head back a bit to make sure they couldn't see me.
My normally sour faced roommate was looking up at Anthony Javerhops, the hurt showing on her face.
"I know what you've done," she told him in a high voice, "And if you're not going to admit it and get help, then I have no choice but to go to Professor McGonagall and tell her."
I had to shove my hand over my mouth to stifle the noise I made when I saw Ant jolt towards her without warning. In seconds, he had her pinned against the wall, his huge hands wrapped around her throat.
Unable to move, I stood there stunned and watched as she struggled against him, her hands clawing at his. There was no way she would be able to break away from him. I knew better than anyone how inhumanly strong he was from when he'd carried me out of Hogsmeade as if I was nothing.
Her face had begun to turn purple, and she was making a strange gurgling sound, deep and raspy. I started to feel dizzy and realised it was because my head was shaking back and forth from the horror of it.
It was then that I realised he wasn't going to stop. I was going to watch her die.