" I'm not sleeping with Reid"
It was a comment Derek made on a case. Most likely meant to be a joke, definitely not meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but that's exactly what happened. Spencer didn't want to be hurt by the comment, but the way Derek said it made it pretty hard not to. It wasn't as if the older man meant for the comment to sound so harsh, but that's how Spencer's brain took it. He was sure it was just a throwaway comment that was supposed to be brushed off and forgotten about, but the younger agent couldn't forget anything.
Spencer cursed his eidetic memory in times like these. He knew it was irrational to do so, especially since without it he most likely wouldn't be at the BAU in the first place, reading 20,000 words per minute and deciphering codes no one else could even think of solving, but his memory was never really useful in day to day life. Without an eidetic memory, he would have been able to forget about the hurtful comments that were thrown at him all through high school, he would be able to forget about specific cases and he wouldn't be able to embarrass himself by rambling random facts when he was nervous. He would have been able to brush the comment off as as a joke and he could move on.
His mind wouldn't stop replaying the comment over and over again, it sounding more and more hurtful each time. Spencer didn't understand why the comment was made in the first place, or why Derek had to phrase it like that. Derek could have just said he was rooming with Garcia and Spencer wouldn't have thought twice about it, but instead the older agent made it seem like sleeping with Spencer was a bad thing. The way Derek had said the words, his tone and demeanour, the way he refused to look at Spencer as he was saying it, it all felt so pointlessly cruel and it hurt the youngest agent more than he would ever admit.
He and Derek were best friends and they often used to room together on long cases, so he didn't understand what changed. It was like Derek would rather sleep on the hard floor in Penelope's room than sleep with him on the bed, and that really hurt more than it should have. He would have gladly given Derek the mattress, seeing as most hotel mattresses felt too soft and itchy for his liking. He would have happily slept on the floor, it would have felt a lot nicer on his skin and it would have helped ground him.
The comment hurt more than it should have, mostly because it made Spencer realise Derek was never going to like him that way. He had been in love with Derek for over six years and over that time, their relationship had grown and they had become closer. Spencer was quite happy keeping his feelings to himself and wallowing in self pity when he was alone. He would have been able to go the rest of his life being in love with his best friend but also keeping their relationship 100% platonic.
Despite being Bisexual, Derek didn't seem to have any interest in dating the same gender. He was the sort of alpha male stereotype that would never admit they were attracted to the same gender, not to mention the trauma he had endured as a child. It hurt Spencer to no end when Derek would introduce a new girlfriend of his without even sparing a second glance towards his best friend who was slowly dying inside.
Spencer didn't want to say anything to Derek, in fact he would be happier if he could just forget the comment was ever made and move on, but he didn't think he would be able to sleep without knowing what about sharing the same room was so repulsing to Derek, and why he would rather humiliate his best friend in front of his team than say he was rooming with someone else.
He never liked confrontation, in fact he went out of his way to avoid it at all costs, but sometimes it was inevitable. If he didn't ask, it was likely he would never know what Derek meant by the comment and Derek would never know just how much it hurt.
The case had been wrapped up almost an hour ago, leaving the team to do as they please. Spencer overheard Derek say something about going to the hotel pool, so that's where he looked first. It took almost a half hour for him to work up the nerve to actually leave his room, and once he got to the pool it took another five minutes of pacing and muttering to himself before he actually went inside.
Derek was sitting on the side of the pool with his legs in the water. Spencer was so focused on the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt, showing off his chiselled abs and strong muscles, that he almost forgot the task at hand. He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked to Derek's side, trying to think of something to say.
"Pretty boy" Derek smiled brightly when he saw the younger man approaching, spreading his arms out wide and gesturing to the pool. "You finally gonna join me for a swim?"
"I need to talk to you" Spencer said outright, trying to ignore the way Derek's smile instantly faltered and was replaced by a look of confusion.
"Oh, alright." Derek frowned, gesturing for Spencer to sit down next to him but the younger man shook his head, silently saying they should talk somewhere else. Derek got the hint and stood up, drying himself off with a towel before following Spencer to his hotel room. Because of Derek's insistence on rooming with Garcia, JJ ended up with Emily, Hotch with Rossi and Reid alone.
The walk back to the room was silent, Spencer could feel Derek's eyes burning holes into his scull and the lingering smell of Derek's aftershave behind him was making him dizzy with desire. The older man had such an effect on him and didn't even seem to notice, and that was baffling. When they got to Spencer's room, they walked inside and closed the door.
Spencer had planned what he was going to say in advance, prepared himself for every possible situation, but the second they were alone everything thought just left him. It was a stupid idea to confront Derek in the first place, but he tended to fixate on the littlest things and there was no doubt he would continue to do that with this. He needed to know what Derek meant by what he said, and he needed the older agent to know how hurt he was by it.
"Kid, what's wrong?" Derek frowned, noticing the way Spencer was fidgeting with his hands like he did when he was nervous. Spencer hated it when Derek called him 'kid', it reminded him just how much of an age difference there was between them, even more reason nothing could ever happen.
"What did you mean by what you said earlier?" Spencer asked.
"You're going to have to be more specific" Derek replied, crossing his arms over his chest.
Spencer sighed, already regretting saying they should talk. "You said 'I'm not sleeping with Reid', what did you mean by it?" Derek's face morphed into a look of confusion; eyebrows pinched together and lips set in a deep frown. Spencer had to force himself to stay angry at him, knowing his biggest weakness was Derek being confused.
Derek seemed to know what he was talking about, but it was obvious he didn't know why they were discussing it. "I don't know, I guess I just thought it would be better if I slept with Garcia. We always room together on cases, I figured you would want some time alone"
"Why would you think I needed time alone?" Spencer crossed his arms over his chest, watching as Derek cracked a smile. He knew Derek would try to charm his way out of the conversation at some point, he always did. He would usually say something about Spencer needing to loosen up and stop fixating on the smallest things.
"Alright, you really want to know why I didn't want to room with you?" Derek sighed, watching as Spencer nodded in response. "You went through a traumatic experience a few months back and I'm almost certain you still have nightmares about it. I know you haven't shared a room with someone since then and I didn't want you to have to worry about having a nightmare with me in the room, I know that would make you feel even worse. I didn't want you to have to show me your vulnerable side when you clearly aren't ready, so I decided to just room with Garcia instead"
Of course Derek would just assume what Spencer needed. He always thought he knew what was best for his best friend, when in reality all Spencer needed was him. Derek often made comments about how tightly wound Spencer was and how he needed to relax, he just didn't understand how hard it was for Spencer to stop thinking and just live in the moment.
"You're right, I have been having nightmares" Spencer swallowed thickly, watching as Derek's face morphed into a knowing smile. "But waking up alone just makes every time ten times worse. I would have rathered you being there for me instead of waking up in a strange hotel room by myself"
The look on Derek's face was soon replaced by a look of guilt, and Spencer almost caved then and there. Waking up in his apartment alone after a nightmare made everything much worse because it reminded him that if his demons were to come after him, no one would be able to protect him, it would just be him battling them alone.
"I'm sorry Spencer, I thought you would want some time alone" Derek said, looking more ashamed than Spencer had ever seen him.
Spencer let out a wet laugh, knowing he was this far away from tears. He had really hoped Derek payed enough attention to him to notice how madly in love he was, but it seemed he wasn't worth Derek's attention. He knew the older man was fond of him, anyone in the world could see that, but the affection was all platonic, and that hurt more than anything.
"Are you mad at me?" Derek asked, and the way he shrunk in on himself like he was afraid of the answer made Spencer want to cry.
"No" Spencer sighed, because he really wasn't mad, he was just upset at himself for having these stupid feelings in the first place. If he hadn't been in love with his best friend, he still would have been hurt by the comment but he would be able to let it go without needing to confront him.
"I just wish you would feel the way I feel"
As soon as he said it, he knew he had gone too far. There was no way out of this now without confessing everything, and that would surely lead to the end of their friendship. He really wished he could have just left well enough alone and wallowed in self pity for the rest of the trip, but his mind wouldn't let him.
"What do you mean, Spencer?" Derek looked almost exasperated, and Spencer was sure he looked the same.
"I love you" Spencer blurted out, eyes widening at what just came out of his mouth. He went silent and stared at Derek with wide eyes, watching as his face morphed into realisation. Derek didn't say anything though, and that made him realise their friendship really was about to end, all because of him.
He knew he was starting to panic when it became an effort to breathe, his hands were starting to shake and tears were starting to cloud his vision. Derek stayed silent, but he looked like he wanted to reach out and comfort him, but wasn't sure if he was allowed to.
"Oh god, I'm sorry, I need to go" Spencer choked back a sob and stepped backwards, needing to see his best friend one more time before he left.
Just as he turned the handle to leave, he felt strong arms pull him towards an equally strong chest. Derek's arms wrapped around his back tightly, and it seemed his touch alone was enough to calm Spencer down, even just a little bit. Derek's hand came to his hair, fingers tangling in his brown curls, and Spencer thought he would melt into a puddle right there and then.
It didn't take long for Spencer to calm down, but neither of them made a move to end the hug. The younger man was grateful, he needed to feel Derek's arms around him for a bit longer before it would all be taken away from him.
"Pretty boy, I love you too" Derek said, making Spencer pull back to look at him in confusion. "I'm so sorry for what I said, I just didn't want you to have to show your vulnerability to me if it could be avoided. I should have known better than to leave you alone, I'm sorry"
Derek couldn't seem to stop apologising, and Spencer couldn't seem to stop smiling. This really hadn't been the conversation Spencer had thought they would have, but he didn't mind one bit. There was still this voice in the back of his mind that said Derek didn't really mean what he said, he was just saying it to put Spencer's mind at ease, but the way Derek was looking at him quickly silenced that thought.
"It's okay, I'm sorry I had to bring it up I just didn't think I could sleep without knowing what you meant" Spencer smiled shyly under Derek's gaze, feeling slightly uncomfortable about sharing his thoughts.
Derek still seemed like he was hating himself for what he said, but he too broke into a toothy grin, his hands coming to rest on both sides of Spencer's face. "Does this mean I can kiss you now?"
Spencer barely had time to nod before Derek's lips were on his, the force of the kiss so powerful it sent him stumbling into the door. He didn't mind though, not when Derek was kissing him like it would be the first and last time. He didn't have much experience in kissing, but he seemed to get the hang of it pretty quickly, kissing back with equal amounts of fire.
The kiss ended way too quickly for his liking, but the look in Derek's eyes let him know they would be doing that again sometime soon.
"Pretty boy, I've been meaning to ask you for a long time but I could never gather up the courage: will you be my boyfriend?"
Spencer couldn't stop the grin that spread onto his face if he tried. Never in a million years would he expect Derek Morgan, cocky alpha male and ladies man, liked him back but he sure as hell wasn't going to question it.
"Yes, of course" Spencer smiled, resting his head on Derek's shoulder and closing his eyes.
The conversation took a different turn than he was expecting, but he wasn't complaining.