Prompt: "Johanna, please. Don't tell Haymitch" pleaded Effie. Prompt for HADS please
It's angst time XD Nothing graphic and nothing explicit but there are some heavy topics discussed here so maybe give it a pass if you're easily bothered.
Not Friends But Allies
The trip to Twelve hadn't really been Johanna's idea but after more than a year trapped in Four, she welcomed the change in scenery – and the lack of water as far as the eye could see. Annie had taken to maternity so easily, Jo sometimes wondered why she stuck around at all. At least, until the crazy chit had an episode of insanity and spent the whole day rocking on herself, the baby completely forgotten. Someone had to look out for Finnick's kid and that someone had to be her.
She kept telling herself it was temporary, that soon she would take off, but deep down she knew better. She couldn't fail Finnick again and so she was trapped. Trapped in Four playing second mother to a baby who adored her and who she reluctantly loved back. It was hard for her to admit that much, easier to pretend she didn't care.
The trip to Twelve hadn't been her idea but she welcomed the change in scenery nonetheless.
It was somehow weird to realize that she wasn't the only one struggling to find her place in this new world. Annie had found hers so quickly… Katniss and Peeta seemed to have settled down too. And Haymitch… Haymitch was the last one she expected to find at peace but that was the only way to describe him at that point. He still drank, he still used sarcasm to deflect questions that probed a little too close to his heart and he still looked a little wary but he also raised geese, laughed more and seemed more at ease in his own skin than she had ever seen him.
That Trinket was the one who was so obviously struggling to fit in was both surprising and not.
Trinket had always had a knack to be whoever people wanted her to be, to fit in anywhere, and she was doing a decent job at pretending, Jo would give her that, but then again… So was she.
"You slipped away."
The accusation was light, more amused than judgmental, and Jo shrugged, not even bothering to glance over her shoulder at the former escort. It was dark outside, the chill of the night made her shiver despite the leather jacket and she didn't see how Trinket could keep warm wrapped in a simple white woolen shawl but she didn't make the remark. She didn't move when the other woman sat down next to her on the bench outside Haymitch's front porch, even though there was plenty of room on her left. Trinket was so thin she fitted easily between her and the armrest. Immediately, she felt the warmth of her body against her side, achingly familiar.
She clenched her jaw and took a drag of the cigarette forgotten between her fingers, not protesting when the escort snatched the abandoned packet and wedged one between her own lips.
They had always had very few things in common. A love for tequila and an unhealthy tendency to chain-smoke when stressed were two of them. A stay in hell was another.
"Everyone seemed happy enough." she shrugged.
It had become too much in Katniss and Peeta's kitchen. It had been too warm, the lights too bright, the people too joyful… Finn sleeping on Haymitch's lap as if he belonged there, Annie laughing as she told them about the first time they brought the boy to the ocean – with Jo sticking far behind on the sand – Katniss and Peeta holding hands under the table, exchanging secret smiles they thought discreet…
"They do, don't they?" Trinket hummed, struggling with the old lighter Jo ought to change. "I suppose there is little point asking if you are alright?"
Jo snickered and let her head fall back against the outer wall of the house. Trinket didn't insist, she simply closed her eyes when she took the first draft and held the smoke in for a few seconds before blowing it out slowly. Before the war, the Capitol would have done that in a seductive way because that was always her game. Now it simply looked exhausted.
"So, I'm curious…" Johanna asked. "How did you go from I never want to see him again to let's move in together?"
Because after Haymitch had left for Twelve with Katniss… Well, let's be fair, Jo had never really been sure what had been going on between those two ever since she had met them. Nobody had ever been sure. She guessed that had been the point. Or maybe it was simply that they didn't know themselves. It had always disgusted her, the idea of a victor and an escort being… something.
At least until the Capitol had started cutting her to small uneven pieces and the only person willing to put herself between her body and the blade had been Trinket.
After the surrender, when they had finally found the escort half-buried alive in a tiny cell… Jo wasn't sure what had happened between Haymitch and Trinket then. She knew, for having been forced to listen to it for weeks, that the woman had never lost faith that Haymitch would come and save them while they were being tortured. But once the victors had been rescued… Once she had been left alone…
Jo had expected Trinket to kick him out of her life much earlier but she had clung to him instead. And then he had been forced to go back to Twelve and the real anger had truly started. That time, Jo had been forced to listen to the escort curse him for weeks – but that time tequila had also been involved and it hadn't been so bad.
She wasn't sure at which point she had started caring about Trinket. She knew when she realized she cared: when she and Annie had boarded a train for Four, a few weeks after Haymitch and Katniss' departure, and she had worried about leaving the escort all alone behind when she was so obviously as fucked-up as the rest of them…
They weren't friends. They could never be friends.
But they had become allies in those cells and it was stronger.
She didn't have to like Trinket. Hell, she didn't like Trinket. But she trusted her to have her back.
"A lack of choices, mostly." the escort sighed and then flicked ash away in a jerky move that betrayed her irritation with herself. "I needed a place to stay."
"Liar." she accused. Because she would have found a place to stay in Four. Annie had offered. She had offered.
"I missed him." Trinket granted. "What can I say, I am a glutton for punishment." The woman shook her head, brought the cigarette to her lips and blew some smoke out. "It was difficult at first but… He is more…"
"At peace." she spat, echoing her earlier thoughts.
"Yes, that too." the escort shrugged. "I was going to say more open with his feelings. Oh, I do not expect any grand love declaration any time soon but… He says he wants more than just…"
At the uncertain glance Trinket shot her, Jo rolled her eyes. "It's not that much of a secret you were fuck buddies. Sorry, to burst your bubble."
"You would know." Trinket murmured, as if for herself.
Abernathy's bitch.
The nickname still rang in Johanna's ears along with the lashing of a whip. That was what they had kept calling Trinket down there.
"Anyway." the Capitol continued after clearing her throat. "We are… We are more now, real. We are trying at least."
"How's that working out?" Jo asked, curious.
Trinket licked her lips, and took a nervous drag. "I want it to work out."
Johanna snorted because that sounded like an answer in itself. She was a bit puzzled though. Haymitch looked okay, he even looked happy. But maybe he wasn't aware Trinket wanted it to work out, maybe he thought it was working out.
"Don't break his heart." she felt compelled to warn. Trinket was her ally but Haymitch was her friend.
"It is not like that." Trinket snapped. "I love him. Of course, I love him. And I love being in Twelve…" Jo lifted her eyebrows, a mocking sneer on her lips and Trinket made a face. "Alright, Twelve is not exactly my favorite place in Panem but… My family is here and I love being with my family. It has been… good. Yes, the last year has been good. I made friends here and I… I feel like I belong. We have a routine. It is not always perfect every day but… it works."
"Bullshit." she called. "You don't look like you belong."
"I do." Trinket insisted, glaring at her. "And I am not the one who sneaked out on everyone to go lurk in the dark."
"Aren't you, now?" Johanna challenged, tossing the bud of her cigarette on the wooden boards before crushing it under her boot.
The red glow of Trinket's cigarette hovered in the air as if she was unable to decide if she wanted to bring it to her lips or not. In the end, the woman wrapped her woolen shawl tighter around her shoulders and slouched a little.
Jo tried not to notice how much firmly she leaned against her side because the sensation was binging her back to those weeks in a cell, huddling together for warmth in their tattered prisoner rags. They had been keeping each other alive down there. Protecting the other through a tacit agreement to shield Annie and Peeta as much as possible, protecting each other when necessary because… Because they were allies and that was what allies did.
"How are things in Four?" Trinket asked.
"Better than they'd be anywhere else." Jo dismissed.
She didn't want to talk about Four, about the oppressive feeling that she would never get out, that she was trapped in that house changing diapers and rocking the baby when Annie wasn't in any state of doing it herself. She didn't want to confess how much she yearned for Seven's pine trees and mountains. She didn't want to admit she was afraid that if she left Four to go back home, she would find her home wasn't there any longer because Finn had her wrapped around his little finger. She didn't want to say how terrified she was to fuck up with that kid. She didn't want to tell Trinket she cared either way.
"I would not be anywhere else but here. With them." Trinket whispered after a few minutes. "But sometimes I wonder… Peeta and Katniss went through worse than I did. Even Haymitch… And they are all healing. I can see it. Peeta has less and less episodes, Katniss smiles more, Haymitch… Haymitch drinks less. But I… I want to be better but there is always something that brings me back."
The confession was made quickly and with no attempt to meet her eyes.
Jo wondered why she was telling her that when she had closer friends. Well… She had Haymitch, at least. Except she didn't really wonder. There had been four of them in those cells. And they had been the two in charge. If anyone could understand them…
"You don't look as crazy as the last time I saw you." Jo pointed out helpfully.
Trinket chuckled and brought her legs closer to her chest, curling up a little against the armrest, shifting slightly so she could face her. Johanna told herself she didn't miss the comforting warmth at her side.
"I do not have panic attacks anymore. And it has been a long time since my last flashback." the escort offered. "What about you?"
"Oh, me…" she snickered. "As long as there's no water, I'm good." A tough act she mostly pulled. Because if she didn't, she thought she might shatter. "So? What's the catch, then? What's stopping you from being better? Seems to me like you've got what you wanted."
Haymitch had always been what she had wanted. Not just to fuck but to keep. Jo had sensed that from the very first moment.
Trinket hesitated. She crushed the bud of her cigarette against the floor and then eyed Johanna's packet. "May I borrow another one?"
"It's not borrowing when you're never going to give them back." she pointed out but she still tossed packet and lighter at her. Predictably, Trinket struggled to catch them before they fell off her lap.
The Capitol glared. "You stole enough from me over the years."
"Sure." Jo sneered. "Still haven't answered my question. What's your problem?"
Trinket didn't look at her when she lit herself another cigarette and she didn't look at her when she mumbled her answer. "Sex."
It took Jo a second to realize what she had said because prim and proper Effie Trinket talking about sex… Let's face it, Johanna knew she had plenty of experience in the field, there were rumors and they had had some intimate acquaintances in common during the Games… The lady act had never fooled her. But never had she heard Trinket openly mention sex before. Not with her at least.
"The old man can't get it up?" she mocked, chuckling because the thought was somewhat funny. She could use that kind of information against Haymitch any time she felt like it. "They make pills for that."
"Do not be crude." Trinket chided, flicking ashes to the side with a disapproving tut-tut sound. "There is nothing wrong with Haymitch."
It didn't take her a second to understand that.
"It's been more than a year." Jo pointed out.
"We were taking things slow at first and he has been… He is very understanding." the escort explained in an awkward mutter.
There was no light aside from the moon's and the glow of her cigarette but it was enough for Jo to see she was crimson. Ashamed.
"Didn't think it would bother you that long." Jo shrugged. "It's no different than going with sponsors or… And it wasn't even that…"
"I know." Trinket cut her off. "I know it is ridiculous."
"Didn't say it was ridiculous." she scoffed.
As a rule, she tried to forget about what had happened down there. Everything that had happened. They hadn't always been in the same cell, she couldn't say for sure if it had been the same for Trinket as it had been for her. Nobody had dared do that to her but there had been hands and jokes and threats. It had been lucky they had been so filthy and torn apart. Lucky they hadn't been appealing. Lucky the guards were so disgusted with them.
"Have you been with someone since…" the other woman hesitated.
"Yeah." Jo shrugged. "But they didn't rape me, Trinket."
She said it like challenge, half-hoping the escort would deny.
All Trinket did was take a long drag of her cigarette and look out the front yard. It was a long time before she spoke again. "At which point is it rape? I mean… What does count as…" She paused and swallowed. "I know it could have been worse. They did not… I can handle what they did. Rationally, I know it could have been worse. But when we're in bed and…" She sighed and brought the cigarette back to her lips. "I barely feel like my body is mine. It is so different… So… broken. Sometimes, I think they pieced me back all wrong."
Jo understood that feeling. She pulled a cigarette from the packet and stood up. Trinket didn't move or try to hold her back, she kept staring in the distance. When Johanna came back from the kitchen with one of the strongest bottles of liquor she could find, the escort had yet to move. She took a long swallow of alcohol and finally lit her cigarette.
"So, what you're saying is that Haymitch has a serious case of blue balls and it's killing the romance." she summed up.
She felt ill-at-ease. She didn't mind talking about sex. The thing was, she didn't even really liked sex, she had been forced into it too young by perverted sponsors, but it was a weapon she knew how to use. And she did love wielding weapons. It wasn't the sex part that made it awkward, it was how vulnerable Trinket was letting herself be. The Capitol's jugular was expose and instinct told Jo to pounce.
"I think he guessed." the escort whispered. "But I am not sure. I lied when he asked."
"Why?" Jo frowned.
"Because it would have killed him?" It sounded more like a question than an answer and Trinket snatched the bottle from her hand and gulped the liquor down. Too fast. "I want to have sex with him. I miss him. I want him."
"Maybe you just have to get through it once." she suggested, taking the bottle back before the other woman made herself sick by drinking all the booze. Not that she cared if Trinket got sick but she wanted some of that liquor. "You know… Close your eyes, think of something else. Then it will be back to normal."
"I tried that." Trinket admitted, keeping her eyes averted.
"And?" Jo prompted, annoyed because if the escort wanted to talk about this then she should just come clean. She didn't want to have to probe.
"And it was a disaster." the Capitol snapped, leaning her head against the wall, eyes closed. "I never mind foreplay, that usually goes well. It is when it starts getting serious that… I thought if I forced myself… I ended up in tears and he didn't dare touch me for two whole months." She rubbed her face. "I like when he touches me."
"You're fucked up." Jo declared after thinking it over. "You want it but you don't… Make up your mind."
"I want him." Trinket scowled. "But when we are there, in my head, it is never him. They kept saying they would do it one day. They kept saying…" She licked her lips and took a drag, her fingers shaking. "He wants more even though he never asks for it and I am afraid I will never be able to give it because I just can't get over…" She let he sentence trail off and then she laughed a broken bitter laugh. "You are right. They did not even really did anything to me. Perhaps I am fucked up."
"Might be easier if he knew." she suggested because that seemed logical to her. She wouldn't know. She never got attached. She picked men, she used them and she discarded them. Easy. She didn't even know why she did it. She just like the feeling of being in control of something. Being with someone for as long as Trinket and Haymitch had been together… "Could tell him."
"I can't." Trinket shook her head. "That is not something he would forgive himself for. I cannot do that to him."
"I can." she snorted.
"No, please." the escort frowned, her frightened blue eyes suddenly meeting hers. "Johanna, don't tell Haymitch." She shook her head and looked away again, stealing the bottle once more. "I should not have talked to you about this."
Who else are you going to talk to?, she almost challenged.
"You think he's gonna leave you 'cause you won't have sex with him?" she asked instead.
"No." Trinket declared, certain like Jo had never been sure of anything. Certain like Finnick had been when he used to talk about Annie.
She wondered what it was like to have that kind of certainty about another person.
"Then, maybe you're lucky and it doesn't really matter." she snarled, snatching the bottle back.
"Maybe." Trinket admitted.
It was a long time before Haymitch's shadow fell on the porch and they were both drunk by that point. Well, Trinket was so wasted she was asleep, Jo was just on the edge between tipsy and drunk.
"Had your own party?" he chuckled, reaching out to adjust the woolen shawl around Trinket's shoulders so she wouldn't get cold. The escort opened tired eyelids and smiled when she saw him but she immediately closed her eyes again. "Come on, Princess, let's get you inside."
He tossed Jo an assessing gaze but he must have decided she was alright to walk because he left her to follow when he picked Trinket up. She watched him cradle the woman close to his chest, shocked by how tiny and fragile she looked in his arms. She wasn't sure why she stepped inside after him instead of stumbling all the way back to Katniss and Peeta's house where her room was. She wasn't sure what he was whispering to Trinket but whispering he was, all the way up the stairs, presumably to their bedroom.
Jo stopped in the kitchen and took a swing of another bottle.
"Didn't have enough for tonight?" Haymitch challenged when he came back down and leaned against the kitchen's doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest. "You're gonna steal my booze, the least you can do is pour me one." She flipped him the finger and defiantly brought the bottle to her lips. He chuckled and reached inside a cupboard for another one. "So. What's up with you?"
She watched him pour some liquor in a glass and ended up shrugging. "Nothing."
"Yeah?" he mocked. "So you left the party to get my girl drunk for no particular reason?"
"Your girl." she snickered.
He winced and looked away, clearly a bit embarrassed. "Yeah, well… You know."
She took another long gulp of liquor. "Yeah."
It was on the tip of her tongue to warn him not to push Trinket or maybe to tell him why the escort was like that now but she stayed silent. Trinket could handle herself. And Haymitch wasn't the kind of asshole who would force her into something she didn't want.
Besides, she was tired of hearing about other people's problems.
It almost made her long for Four and the quiet boring evenings spent watching Finn learn how to crawl.
"I'm going to bed." she declared.
She stormed out before he could try to convince her to talk to him.
She didn't want to betray Trinket's trust.
She didn't want to end up pouring her heart out.
She didn't want to hurt Haymitch with a past that was better forgotten.