What Qui-Gon discovered beneath the pristine tunic stole his very breath away.
Oh, Force…
Cuts and bruises littered Obi-Wan's back and chest, but the worst of it were the angry lashes that would no doubt scar if not treated properly.
Perhaps a few will scar anyway, Qui-Gon thought bitterly.
He forced his hands not to shake as he applied the bacta, finding strange solace in silently cursing the slavers who'd dared put their filthy hands on his Padawan.
A moan shook the air and Qui-Gon froze, fearing for a moment his former apprentice might be waking up. But soon, Obi-Wan was breathing steadily again, though his exhales were a bit ragged now.
I should have been there. I never should have let this happen. He snatched up a roll of gauze and began wrapping the blistered wounds. Electro-whip Anakin had said. Qui-Gon grimaced at the mere thought of what sort of pain such a weapon would cause.
What kind of a Master am I to fail my own student in such a way?
He caught himself before the thought could take hold. No. To stoop to that thought would make him a hypocrite. It's as you told Obi-Wan: none of this is your fault. No one here is to the blame but the Separatists.
No one here…
Then why did he still feel the seeds of guilt sprouting up in his soul?
Obi-Wan cameto just as he finished securing the last of the gauze, through which tiny patches of blood tried in vain to ooze.
"S-Stop…" the injured Jedi whispered. "P-please… No, I…"
Qui-Gon's forehead creased as he put away the medical supplies. "Obi-Wan?"
"Don't hurt them… Please… Please, I-I beg you, stop!"
He prevented Obi-Wan from bolting out of bed just in time, firmly placing him back on the pillow. "Shh… Obi-Wan, it's all right. Everyone is safe; there's no need to worry."
"Master Qui-Gon, what…?" He put a trembling hand to his forehead before his eyes grew wide. "You tricked me."
"I'm sorry, but you needed medical treatment. And before you say anything else, I wasn't lying about the fever. Already you're growing warmer than when I first arrived."
Sighing, Obi-Wan shut his eyes for a moment and Qui-Gon bit his tongue so as not to bring up the whip lashes he'd seen. "Thank you, I suppose."
Qui-Gon quirked an eyebrow, allowing a slight smirk to tug at his lips. "You suppose?"
"Well, you did promise me I could take care of the wounds myself."
"I don't recall ever promising anything, and if I'm not mistaken, didn't you promise Anakin you would see a healer?"
At the mention of his former student's name, Obi-Wan fell silent.
"How is Anakin?" he asked after a few moments.
Qui-Gon was thoughtful with his answer. "He's concerned about you, as I am. And he's… disappointedthat you won't confide in him."
"Ah. I see."
"Obi-Wan—"
"Tea."
Qui-Gon was taken aback at the sudden change. "What?"
"My tea," Obi-Wan repeated, clearing his throat with a cough. "Would you mind…?"
A nod. "Of course."
As he made the short journey into the kitchen, Qui-Gon mulled over all Obi-Wan had told him, trying to piece together some sort of cohesive picture of what life would have been like for Captain Rex and Obi-Wan in their Kadavo prison.
And why Obi-Wan seemed so wary of Anakin all of a sudden.
Yes, there were definitely quite a few questions that needed answers, all of which—Qui-Gon hoped—held the key to mending his Padawans' wounded hearts.
With two cups of tea in his hands, Qui-Gon only got halfway through the suite before the front door swished open.
And there was Anakin standing in the doorway.
"I got tired of waiting," was all he said by way of explanation as he entered the room.
"How's Ahsoka?"
"She's resting now—meditating, I think." Anakin made a face. "How's Obi-Wan?"
Qui-Gon smiled as he watched Anakin disappear into the bedroom. Sometimes, the boy's forward—and often reckless—behavior reminded him of himself. Perhaps he'll be able to get through to—
"Where'd he go?"
What? Qui-Gon picked up his pace. Oh, no.
The empty bed nearly stopped his heart. Blast!
"He was just here," Qui-Gon said, still dumbstruck.
"Well, he's not now."
"Thank you, Anakin, I can see that."
The tunic was gone as well, yet the medkit remained.
"Want me to go look for him?" Anakin offered as Qui-Gon discarded the cups on the side table. "He's probably either off meditating somewhere or checking up on his troops."
"For his sake," Qui-Gon began, grabbing his cloak on the way out, "it had better be the former."
If Qui-Gon discovered him, he was dead.
I should've stayed in bed, he scolded himself, but deep down, he knew that wouldn't have been possible. He couldn't breathe in the bedroom; couldn't think. Every time he thought of his Master looking at those degrading lashes on his back, Obi-Wan found it difficult to catch his breath.
There is no emotion, there is peace.
He would've scoffed aloud at the mantra if he had the energy. Tell me, oh Illustrious Jedi Code, where is the peace for the Togrutan colonists? Where will they find their serenity amidst this lingering chaos? And how will they contend with the cruel reality of death without the Force?
A stab of pain rattled against his skull and Obi-Wan braced himself for the oncoming headache. Relaxing his face helped a little, but not enough. He forced his fists to go limp, abandoning the tight grip of his nails digging into his flesh.
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Centering his mind once again, he breathed deeply in an attempt to reach some form of normal meditation.
One that didn't involve reliving Kadavo every time his mind wandered.
There is no emotion, there is peace… There is no chaos, there is serenity.
Obi-Wan bit his tongue to keep the bitter laugh at bay.
In the education facility, there hadn't been any of that. There is no serenity, only chaos. There is no peace, only emotion.
Yes… Only unbridled, raging emotion. I can barely control Anakin's wild emotions without having to rein in my own as well.
Anakin… The mission hadn't been easy for him, that much was very clear. Obi-Wan had always thought that if he could only get one small taste of the horrors his Padawan had gone through as a child, perhaps it might allow him to better relate to his brother.
Now… Now, the fact that it's finally happened seems to have created a deeper rift between us.
Obi-Wan didn't know how to relate to Anakin after being forced into slavery and Anakin seemed to feel just as lost when it came to relating to Obi-Wan trying to relate to him.
His head spun and he swallowed down a wave of nausea.
No, he couldn't relate to Anakin in that way, even now. The short ordeal I've been through could never account for nine years worth of bondage. He felt he didn't have the right to relate to Anakin in that way.
And hopefully, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, you never will. Almost three years since the boy was Knighted and you're still managing to fail him.
The truth of the statement stuck Obi-Wan to the core. Anakin never should have been there. Especially considering his past… I never should have let him come along.
And Ahsoka… Ahsoka… He would never be able to shake the sight of her in that awful costume. Was the Order now stooping so low as to sexualize children for the sake of a mission? And I let her do it. He clenched a fist. I let her play the part… And it nearly cost me all of them.
His next breath was shakier than the last.
Inhale, exhale.
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no—
"I thought I might find you here."
On any other given occasion, the soft, familiar voice of his Master would have warmed him. In that moment, it only filled him with dread.
Obi-Wan held back a wince. He didn't open his eyes, keeping up the pretense of his meditation.
"Do you mind if I join you?"
Yes, Obi-Wan wanted to scream. Yes, get away before I fall apart. If you'll just leave me be so I can lose it in solitude, that would be quite lovely, thank you.
"You know, one usually comes to the most secluded section of the Room of a Thousand Fountains to be alone… But, no, I don't mind," he finally replied and listened as his Master knelt down across from him.
"Thank you."
And they sat together in silence for what seemed to Obi-Wan like an eternity. But he refused to be the first to speak—he wasn't sure what would happen if he did; what sort of emotions would bleed into his tired tones; what sort of hidden information he might unwillingly disclose to his former Master.
So, he contented himself to wait.
Finally, Qui-Gon lightly cleared his throat. "Anakin is looking for you."
A grimace masquerading as a smile tugged at his split lips. "Of course, he is."
"Shall I comm him and tell him to stop pestering Cody for your whereabouts?"
"Poor Cody," he mumbled, vowing to make it up to the frazzled commander. "But no, not yet. I'm sure he'll find us sooner or later. You did, after all."
"Yes, but I knew where to look."
"And Anakin doesn't?"
"Well,"—here, Qui-Gon chuckled, a warm sound that chased away a bit of the chill biting at Obi-Wan's skin—"I gave him a few other places to search. He'll be busy for awhile. Long enough for us to talk," he added after a beat.
"We are talking," Obi-Wan replied, eyes still closed.
"You know what I mean."
"Do I?" If his eyes had been open, Obi-Wan supposed he might've seen his Master raise a brow.
"Obi-Wan."
He knew that tone all-too-well. It was the same one he'd used on Anakin countless times before—and still did to this day. A simple name laced with a warning.
Well, it won't work. Not this time, he decided.
But Obi-Wan was spilling his heart before he could stop himself.
"I was too young to train him," he began. "Why did you let me?"
Neither spoke for a moment as Qui-Gon mulled over his answer. Obi-Wan kept his lids shut, preferring the soothing blackness to the prospect of his Master's disappointed features.
This entire mission was a disappointment. I'm a disappointment. Surely, he's disappointed in me because of what I've done to Anakin and Ahsoka. I couldn't protect them.
I couldn't protect any of them…
When Qui-Gon responded, it was far from the sort of answer Obi-Wan had desired.
"I thought you were ready. Training a Padawan had been good for you just as it has been for Anakin." How generic, he mused, but Qui-Gon wasn't finished. "I've watched you grow into the Jedi I always knew you could be because of it—in ways you never could have if I'd let you continue on your own."
Perhaps it was the blatency of this confession, or that Obi-Wan wasn't as prepared for the words as he thought he'd been, but his eyelids fluttered open.
He stared at his Master for a moment before making his own reply.
"And do you still think that, even after all this? After I forced my Padawan back into the very life we rescued him from?"
"Yes." It was a short answer, yet it carried a gravity that weighed instantly on Obi-Wan's heart.
"Why? Why, when I've failed the very man I dedicated my life to helping succeed?"
"Obi-Wan, you have proven to me time and time again that there is nothing you can do that could ever shake my faith in you."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes again, fending off the dampness that had begun to gather around the edges of his lids.
"I…" He swallowed, willing his voice not to shake. "What he went through as a child… I… I-I couldn't understand it then… and now that I do, I don't… I don't know how to…" The chuckle that escaped his lips was a dry one, as humorless as a protocol droid. "How to speak, apparently. Or… Or explain to you what I'm trying to… to explain to you."
Qui-Gon's palm came to rest on his knee and Obi-Wan opened his eyes once more.
"Then show me, Padawan."
The implications of his statement was not lost on Obi-Wan, and for a moment, he didn't think he could. Not without revealing everything. Every flick of the whip, every boot to the chest, every Togrutan death, every shock of the collar, every bolt of electricity that burned down his spine.
Every degrading, horrific moment. They would all come crashing down if he let Qui-Gon in; removed his shields.
"Obi-Wan, show me how to help you."
With the tiniest of nods, Obi-Wan's shields came down and he bared his soul to his Master. After all, he trusted Qui-Gon with his life—and had for more than twenty years. What stopped him from trusting him with his memories in the same way?
Because then he'll see you for the failure you truly are. He'll see how you couldn't protect Anakin; couldn't save the Togrutas.
Yet, he kept his shields lowered.