Chapter Five: Behind the Smile

Returning to her drug-induced dreams of the past was no hardship. Maintaining her calm when she realized where her hazy mind had wandered, however, was more difficult. But not unexpected. Whether by Alucard's prompting or some whispered wish in the deepest recesses of her mind, her memories seemed determined to wander the path that had bound her to her servant, in bonds far more complicated and intricate – and lasting – than the spells she had once woven around his essence.

She had thought in her waking moments, brief as they were, of Alucard's ability to feel. Thinking of such, it was hard not to remember when she'd discovered another piece to the puzzle that was Alucard's mind and heart.

***DoM***

Being the leader of a paramilitary organization whose every activity was Top Secret was difficult. Doing so as a young woman, even more so.

Doing so as a teenager, still going through adolescence in all its painful and stressful glory, while mourning the passing of the father she had dearly loved and coping with the consequences of her uncle's betrayal…

Without Walter and Alucard, she wasn't sure she would have managed. Walter was a steady presence, a teacher and a guide and a fountain of wisdom when she desperately needed one. And Alucard…

Alucard was the strength she needed. The power behind her position. And, despite what he was – or perhaps because of what he was – the person she trusted the most. She knew him, knew his mind, at least on some levels. She knew he could not and would not betray her, bound as he was by the spells and the oaths laid between them. And, oddly enough, his own word, which Walter assured her was as solid as the walls of Hellsing Manor.

Knowing that, however, did not make dealing with him easy. He was still possessed of a degree of blood-lust, even when fresh from a hunt or a feeding. Despite their connection, his mind was shadowed, and she could no more have convinced herself she knew the depths of his heart any more than she could have convinced herself he was harmless. There was an edge of violence to him, always, shimmering and potent under the surface. And despite his form, there was no mistaking him for human.

Dealing with that would have been hard enough, even had he been cowed, or at least willing to act like a proper servant, as Walter did. But Alucard was Alucard. Sarcastic. He enjoyed startling her, startling or outright terrifying the servants and soldiers in Hellsing. He took delight in sliding out of shadows in utter silence or speaking into her mind at unexpected moments. Including when he should have been asleep, if he'd been a normal vampire and not what he was.

He enjoyed taunting her with innuendo, daring her to challenge him, to deal with him on his terms, rather than hers. She wasn't about to take him up on it, not with her own precarious position and his powers, but it was still...unsettling.

Especially as she passed fully into her teenage years. She might dress like a man and a soldier, but she was a woman. A young woman. Disciplined and determined she might be, but that didn't stop her from being aware of certain things. Certain...urges. Feelings. Even...desires. Walter was like a second father, and she'd never compromise her position with a man under her command, even if they hadn't all been older than she felt comfortable with.

Outside of Hellsing...well, it wasn't like she could socialize casually anymore. She was the leader of a secret organization. She couldn't exactly have the people who had once been her school-fellows and peers over for tea or parties. She also didn't feel particularly connected to them anymore. A gulf of life experiences and expectations had opened up between herself and most of the people her age. And of the people she could relate to and talk to...well, there was the age issue again.

And of course, she couldn't afford the scandal that would erupt if she even considered a quick fling, or even a discrete liaison with a paid companion. Her position was too delicate, and there could be no hint of impropriety.

She learned to control herself, to focus on her physical training and building on her image as a warrior, and developed several methods of distracting herself. But it wasn't easy, and Alucard's sly hints and taunts, his veiled and sometimes blatant suggestions, made it that much more difficult.

As she got older, it reminded her of something else. How was she supposed to find someone to share her life with, even in a contracted marriage, when she was bound to Alucard? How could she ever get someone to understand the strange relationship between herself and the vampire?

Thoughts like that made her appreciate the reasons her father had sealed Alucard away and more or less forgotten him for years. How else would the Master of Hellsing have any sort of relationship with a normal person? Much less a marriage and a family?

The problem was, she wasn't secure enough in her position to dispense with Alucard. And even if she had been...well, he'd saved her life. His skills and his powers were invaluable. He served her well, and she had a feeling he didn't have to. Or that at one point, he hadn't. Before he'd taken her blood, or before she'd bound him. Knowing that had made her uncomfortable with the idea of imprisoning him again.

Which still didn't make him easier to deal with. And worst of all, the times of the month when she was the least willing to put up with him were also the times he was most likely to be acting up. She knew why, in theory, but knowing the basic reasons and the logic of it did nothing for her mood.

She was fourteen, the age when she should have been considering her first Season among the peerage, begun looking for a worthy partner. Instead, she had spent the time revising her training schedule and declining any social events that weren't related to business, or absolutely necessary to maintain her image among the peerage.

She'd also been declining the invitations of a number of young male callers. Young men of the nobility or the well-off gentry who sought a potential match with her. For her family's prestige or wealth or title, she had little idea. She didn't encourage them with her appearance, as she'd grown used to the severe-cut suits and masculine attire. She certainly didn't think they pursued her for her looks, or her temperament, given that she acted as much like the men around her as she could without completely losing her identity. Or looking ridiculous. Or indulging in behaviors that would have been frowned upon (and which Walter refused to allow her, even if he was her butler, rather than her father).

She'd just sent off the most recent candidate when Alucard emerged from the shadows. She'd taken to ordering him out of sight for these interviews after he'd terrified the first three into undignified retreats. The young man in question had been three years her senior – old enough to tentatively claim adulthood and some measure of independence – a rugby player with some military connections and aspirations. In other circumstances, a decent match.

Unfortunately, those things that made him an excellent match in other circumstances made him a poor choice now. Athleticism was all well and good, but it wouldn't hold up to the daily training Hellsing insisted upon. Military connections were perfectly fine, but he thought in terms of the British Army or the Guard. Neither of which had anything to do with Hellsing. And many of whom would have laughed outright if told that vampires and ghouls and such existed. It was a rare soldier or officer that could withstand the transition into the work and lifestyle of the Hellsing Organization.

Beyond that, he was of the strong-minded persuasion. She didn't want a spineless idiot as a companion – and no one like that would survive their first brush with Alucard anyway – but she did need someone who could understand that she was the Master of the family and the Organization. Not someone who thought three years age difference made him more experienced in life. Or thought that running a military organization was a man's duty more than a woman's. He hadn't said so outright, but attending Round Table Councils and Parliament meetings had given her plenty of practice in reading between the lines.

She sent him off as politely as she could, despite her own feelings. However, courtesy to a visitor didn't mean she was in the mood for Alucard to make his appearance.

The smirk on his face annoyed her. So did the low, drawling voice, the hint of sarcasm and baiting in the words. "A pity, Integra. That one seemed almost worth your time. A strong partner, even if he is unworthy of the Hellsing name." A crooked grin showed more fang. "I would have thought you'd be attracted to the strong type. Although..." His tone turned darker, hinting and teasing with unspoken possibilities. "Perhaps a Master of Hellsing needs someone with a darker past to truly awaken her passions."

She'd been too irritable to consider her words. "I need no advice from a monster whose only passions have ever been blood, death, and destruction."

There was a moment of silence. Then Alucard's voice, low and cutting and curiously flat, all the teasing stripped from it. "It is unwise to presume you know of such things...Master Integra."

If she'd been in better humor, or even less frustrated and uncomfortable and young, she might have heard the stillness of his words and understood it. Instead, she wanted a fight, and had fired off the first words that came to mind. "Do not speak to me of presumption, or pretend you have ever cared about anything or anyone beyond yourself and your desire for blood."

The silence that fell between them was heavy, like a storm preparing to break. And it was only when she realized he was neither speaking nor leaving that she actually looked at him.

Before that day, she'd never seen him without a smirk on his face. A wide fanged grin, a small, vicious half-smile...he had never appeared anything more than sardonically amused by the world around him. The only other expression she'd seen had been the very rare flashes of annoyance or anger, when something bored or disgusted him. And those were gone quickly, lost in his dark humor as he turned his attention away or did something to make the situation more interesting to him. Or at least, less frustrating.

Every trace of amusement or shadowed humor had fled his face. His jaw was clenched, one fang showing, but the rest of his face was curiously void of expression. What she could see of it, at any rate. He was turned from her, facing the nearest wall so that she could only see one side of his face. That was strange in and of itself. One of Alucard's habits that she actually approved of was that when he spoke to her, he spoke to her. He met her eyes and faced her, as he had the night of their first meeting, and the night she had bound him.

Without the sneers and the sarcasm and his voice echoing around them, he looked different. Older. Tired in some way. And, somehow...he looked wounded. In pain, as though he had taken a blow that got past his defenses, though she knew of nothing that could. Even blessed metal and holy water didn't affect him like they affected other creatures of his ilk.

There was a stillness and a silence that wasn't agreement, or capitulation, or even simple stubbornness. She didn't understand. Then Alucard turned to her, a silent, frozen expression in his eyes. And something else, something she couldn't name. Older than she could understand, and deeper than she could fathom. The bond between them felt heavy and blanketed, a black weight in her mind.

Then he faded into the shadows, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

She hadn't been able to shake the weight of that gaze, the pain she'd glimpsed underneath the arctic blankness of his expression, or the flatness of his last words. She hadn't realized, until then, how much she'd grown used to his sarcasm and innuendo and mockery. How much she appreciated that wild and reckless smirk.

It was only later that she'd recalled the books and notes she'd read about him. After the binding, Walter had directed her to those books, to further her understanding of her servant. Among them had been included the original Hellsing journals and everything they had learned of Alucard.

He had been human once, according to some of the stories. And his life as a human had been sufficiently painful for him to have accepted damnation and transformation into a demon, into a vampire, rather than live or die as a human.

Painful enough for him to transform. But pain implied caring, implied feeling. Implied emotions. Everything she'd accused him of never having, or being unable to feel.

A master did not apologize to a servant. A Hellsing did not make any sort of concession to a vampire, especially not one as old and powerful as Alucard. And yet...the glimpse behind the mask of insanity and semi-depravity was troubling. She wasn't sure what to do with it.

She wasn't sure why he'd allowed her to see it. Evidence suggested that her father had never known him as anything more than a blood-crazed monster, and her first impression of him had been no better. There was a chance that the glimpse of humanity was an attempt at a different sort of manipulation.

On the other hand, if he was the amoral demon that many of her forebears claimed him to be, why had he claimed her as his master? Her uncle would have suited a demonic temperament much better. Her uncle had been willing to kill her when she was only a child, and surely a monster would have found such a personality more palatable? Or more controllable, perhaps?

Why had he saved her? He could have killed her and her uncle and been free.

He had tested her courage and her will. And then bowed to her. She hadn't thought about it, assuming it was some sort of binding her father had placed, some sort of command that held him like the spell circle inscribed on his door.

For all the journals and stories, she wasn't sure she knew much about him.

She said nothing. But the next day, when another suitor arrived, she was ready. "Thank you for coming. However, if you're here for a personal matter or a personal alliance with me, then I regret to inform you that I am not interested." She smiled at the young man, another lordling with athletic skills, and a few years older than she. "Hellsing has and needs only one master. You may tell your compatriots that I seek no companionship at this time."

Walter escorted him away shortly after. And Alucard, true to form, emerged from the shadows. "You sent him away. And he might have been a good candidate to partner you."

"No. He was entirely unsuitable. Hellsing needs only one master, and I am that master. Besides, he wouldn't have been able to withstand meeting you, if he was this easy to deter." She had offered her servant a rare smile. "I have no need for a partner who cannot deal with my servants."

***DoM***

It had been the first time she had seen beneath Alucard's mask. But not the last. Over the years, they'd formed a deeper bond between them.

Alucard was a monster. Her monster. But he was also so much more than that, deny it though he might. Somewhere under the blood-lust and insanity of his long existence as the No-Life King, there was the man he had been.

Over the years, she'd seen more of what lay behind the mask than perhaps any other before her. And perhaps...more than either of them might have wished.

Author's Note: This one took forever to write, and it was kind of difficult. I just remember seeing the one scene in the anime, where she says 'how are you better than these chipped vampires' and he gets all quiet and kinda upset looking, and then she sort of apologizes, and I wanted a scene like that, where she steps over the line and they both sort of acknowledge it and move on. Plus...teenage girl versus irritating vampire. You know sparks were gonna fly at some point.