Dear Mavis, Are You Bloody Well Kidding Me?

by Abracadebra

What happens when Newkirk finds out that his sister has been writing letters to Colonel Hogan-and that the Guv has actually been writing back? Letters from an irritable British corporal happen, that's what. Many thanks for Prolegomenon aka Old English Game for inspiring this response with her very funny "To Colonel RE Hogan" story and to LE Wigman for playing along.

15. Chapter 15: Mavis Strikes Back

This is yet another response to L.E. Wigman's "Mavis' Missives," Chapter 5. I'll stop now.

April 19, 1944

Dear Pierre,

Got you, didn't I? I've been wondering since your letter of November 8 what you meant when you said you "don't even want to discuss" what Louis calls you. It was awfully nice of him to fill me in, wasn't it? Rest assured, the entire family has now been apprised of your nickname. You can expect everyone from Granny down to little Noel to call you by it when you return home, if not before then.

And don't think I didn't see that sneaky letter you wrote to "Dearest Mummy." You're getting rusty, lad, if that's the best conniving you can do. Mam saw right through it and spent the evening in tears, wondering how she had gone so wrong with you. Personally, I thought she had raised a skilled liar, not a rank amateur, and that must have been eating at her. She says, she is in despair for your soul, so you'd better plan on giving her a full report on your Lenten sacrifice and how you spent Easter.

Also, that letter to me about LeBeau was about the stupidest and most transparent thing you've ever written. Are you that dim naturally, Pierre, or do you have to work at it?

"Cold Comfort Farm" was very funny though, especially the bit about Seth's mollocking. Oh dear, I'm sorry, I'm your precious little sister and I'm not supposed to know about such things. Well, too bad. I'm all grown up, now, Pierre, and you need to quit being such a Nosy Parker about MY LOVE LIFE. There, I said it.

And no, I shall not do your dirty work for you. If you want Mam to think better of you, try behaving better.

A Brown Betty is on its way to you against my better judgment, because as dim and thick as you are, you are still my bother. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say 'bother'? Well, that's because I meant it.

I still love you, but good Lord, Pierre, you are trying my nerves. Robert's going to have a talk with you about your wretched actions, trust me.

With constant love from your devoted sister who really deserves better than this rubbish,

Mavis

PS, I hope you had a Happy Easter. I hope there was no rabbit stew, because that would simply be awful. Please tell me the French don't eat that.

XXX

Footnote: In Dust on the Wind's excellent "Esk Road: The Rest of the Family," Noel is the youngest of 10 Newkirk siblings. He'd be around 10 in 1944, I suppose.