a/n: saying goodbye to the voice. Finally. Not sure how many will read this as its phase 5 but enjoy. It starts off a bit grim but I promise it won't end that way.
Notes/warnings: suicidal thoughts, angst with a happy ending. Too many story cross references to count.
Definition - Vox nihili: Latin, literally 'voice of nothing'. A useless or ambiguous phrase or sentiment.
Vox Nihili
(Voice of Nothingness)
"We hear only our own voices, still echoes returning to our emptiness."
― Dejan Stojanovic, The Sun Watches the Sun
Waking up was stranger now. Nice, but strange nonetheless. Without the constant white noise of the voice chattering and digging away at him, chipping him away piece by tiny piece, was something that was going to take a bit of adjusting to. Especially after a hundred odd years, give or take, of living with such a monster inside of you, inhabiting your very mindscape. It was a lot for anyone to adjust to. Especially Aizen Sousuke.
The first few weeks after the monster disappeared were the hardest. The most difficult to adjust to. At first he didn't quite believe it. Always expecting to wake up one day and find it had all been a dream. Or yet another cruel trick of the voice, the monster. Just so it could laugh in his face and crush the small modicum of hope he had left. The one tiny spark he'd managed to keep lit for Gin's sake if not his own.
So for the first few days and weeks since the monster had been exorcised, he spent it living in fear. Always on edge. Always terrified his happy life would be snatched away from him.
A lot like how he'd lived previously. Though the circumstances were quite different now.
Before, he was just frightened – though he'd never admit it aloud – that only Gin ould be taken away from him. That the one light he'd managed to find in his dark world would be snuffed out and he'd be left alone again. Just like before.
Now, it wasn't just Gin he was afraid for. It was his son, too.
And most of all, himself.
He'd fought so hard and sacrificed so much in his life for his happiness, his light. He couldn't imagine ever going back to how life was before.
Even as he woke now, comfortable and warm beside the man he'd loved for over eight decades, the uneasiness edged its way into him.
How long would this last? How long before the voice reveals it's all just a trick? Another lie? Another game?
Slowly extricating himself from Gin's arms, he stood and walked across the carpet and over the bathroom tiles as if they were the thinnest sheet of ice, where one misstep would mean being plunged back into icy waters again. He reflected that everything had changed, and yet nothing had changed. Fear still invaded his life, terror still dogged him at every step.
Anxiety still clawed at his insides like ravenous insects hungry for his flesh as he worked up the courage to look at himself in the bathroom mirror. Still a little afraid of seeing the monster. Of looking at the grizzly bear skull, red eyes, black fur where his body should be, and open jaws dripping with tar.
Even though the rational part of him knew better. Even though the logical part of his brain could give a long list of reasons why it wouldn't happen.
He approached the mirror again today, filled with that same dread. Unable to feel the relief that should have come with the sight of his own reflection instead of the monster.
But this was just another part of his day. Like getting up, brushing his teeth, getting ready for the day ahead. It'd become normal.
Just like the emptiness inside him, the gaping void, the silence the Monster had left behind.
And he wasn't quite sure how to cope with that.
He brushed his teeth, dressed, and shuffled down the stairs into the kitchen. Making himself a mug of tea and sitting down to do the morning crossword while he waited for Gin to wake up. Taking slow sips to really savour the flavour of the tea. His own blend. Perfected over decades if not centuries. It was good tea. Though Gin made it best.
He tried to enjoy it. The peace, the quiet, the silence. Finding it eerie instead of liberating. There was no noise, no voice, no chatter. Just... nothing.
Just emptiness.
And he had to wonder, sitting and staring at the blank squares of the crossword, pen in one hand and a mug of tea in the other, at this feeling. Unable to shake the thought that this was the truth at the core of his existence: this yawning emptiness. This black pit. It had been there all along. And the voice had absolutely nothing to do with creating it. Only amplifying to the extreme what was already there.
At least when the Monster was there, he had an excuse, a reason, for his suffering. Now there was nothing.
Who knew an absence could take up so much room. That emptiness could take up so much space. Devouring everything else.
His mind was just about to start running down that trail of thought, when his white fox, Tsuku, leapt up onto his lap and whined for some attention. Snapping him back to the present again.
"Oh, hello," Sousuke smiled, or tried to, as he stroked Tsuku's fur. "Is it time for our walk already?"
The fox yipped in response, wagging his black tipped tail and twitching his black-tipped ears and pawing him repeatedly. Making his master laugh softly.
"Alright, alright. Let me finish my tea first and then we'll go."
Tsuku barked in response and sat watching him drain his mug, wagging his tail until he got up to go for their morning walk.
. . .
The air was brisk, so he wore a coat. Tsuku may have had warm fluffy white fur, but he did not. Still, better to feel the chill air on his face and hands than nothing.
It was still early, so not many people were up and about at this hour. Sousuke liked this time of day. No nose, no people. Just him, his fox, and the quiet. It wasn't too hot or too cold to be out, and there was all the space in the world to think.
He took deep breath as he walked across the field, Tsuku trotting along beside him, sniffing the daisies. Innocence, his mind supplied. An old habit. Every time he spied a flower, he automatically scanned his mental dictionary for its meaning.
Daisy: innocence.
He supposed he'd lost his innocence a very long time ago. It went without saying that even if the Monster hadn't come into the picture, the Rukongai would've knocked any innocence out of him anyway. Just not in such a painful fashion as the voice had. That monster had ripped the innocence out of him the way young women delighted in ripping the petals off daisies to determine whether a young man loved them or loved them not. Sometimes it was hard not to be bitter about that. Especially when surrounded by people with their innocence intact, as he had been when he'd lived in the Seireitei.
It was hard not to feel undeserving, too, when an innocent creature like Gin took a liking to him and decided to be in his life for the long haul. Him, a tainted thing and Gin a brilliant ball of light. Truly they were Hades and Persephone. Polar opposites. Him, darkness and decay. Gin, the light and warmth of spring.
It was easy to feel unworthy of that light. Even without the voice.
Easier still to feel the yawning emptiness reaching up for him, ready to drag him down if he ever stopped moving.
He spied Tsuku with his black paws in the air, rolling around in the long grass and called for him. The little white fox running over to him with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and panting. Sousuke smiled at his pet and beckoned him on. Managing to shake the thoughts away, at least for the moment.
. . .
He was lured again by the thoughts when they crossed the bridge. It was an overpass, directly above a busy main road. Or at least it would be busy if there were any cars on the road, or any people awake at this hour. Tsuku was walking quietly along to heel, and he was enjoying being outside, feeling the wind on his face – until he looked out across the horizon and stopped in his tracks.
The sun was rising.
Another day dawning.
It was something that once upon a time, he thought he'd never see again. The sun, the genuine bona fide sun, rising in the sky, lighting up the world.
His thumping heart quieted, the anxiety loosening its hold on him. The beauty of the moment and the scene in front of him a reminder that there was still good in this world. Still beauty amid so much grimness.
Captivated by the sunrise, he quietly climbed over the railing of the bridge and sat down, legs dangling over the concrete as he watched the sun rise up into the sky. An image of everything his false sun was meant to be yet wasn't.
They sat there for a while, him and Tsuku. Until the sun was well on its way into the sky. Looking at the light, the clouds, the world stretched out before them. Sousue's back against the metal railings, anchored to the concrete by gravity.
And for a few blissful moments, it was as if the voice, the monster, the war and all his terrible atrocities never even existed.
For a handful of bright, shining moments, all was well with the world, and he had nothing to worry about.
Until he looked back up at the sky and fancied he saw the faint outline of that skull, with deep black holes for eyes, and felt the yawning emptiness reach up for him, and try to swallow him whole.
You should jump, you know, the echo of the voice said. It'd be easier than living like this. Like an empty shell.
He contemplated it for a moment. It would. It would be so easy. In fact, he'd already slid all the way to the edge, legs dangling over, the emptiness below open mouthed and waiting for him to drop himself in. he didn't know what kept him holding fast to the railings. What stopped him. There was no wind. No change in temperature. Only the emptiness. The concrete below. The sun rising in the sky above.
And Tsuku.
Staring at him.
Wary of any sudden movements he might make.
He let go of the railing with one hand and the fox growled, whined, pawed him through the bars.
He shook off the grim thoughts, stood up against the emptiness dragging him down, and climbed back over onto the safe side of the bridge. Picking up and embracing his pet tightly. As if he might float away and Tsuku was the only anchor within reach that could keep him on earth.
"Let's go home," he said softly. Tsuku's only answer was a big soppy lick on his cheek and a relieved whine.