Walls up. That was the only way to survive in a world like this. To lower them for even a second was death. Whether it was death to the body or death to the soul didn't matter, Kirumi couldn't afford it either way, so up they went. She trained herself to become as emotionally detached as possible, and soon, it was second nature. She genuinely felt nothing. She was so good at controlling her emotions that she could shut them off as easily as if she were switching off a light. But then along came Kaede Akamatsu.
Even though the two had only known each other for a few days, there was already a mutual attraction between them. Both of them had taken on leadership roles in the group, Kaede acting like the Cool Big Sis while Kirumi was the Team Mom (even though she despised the title). And they worked well together as unofficial coleaders, Kaede maintaining internal harmony by bolstering everyone's spirits and preventing infighting while Kirumi maintained external harmony, performing basic chores, and taking care of everyone's needs. And even though their approaches and lifestyles were drastically different, Kirumi was still able to recognize this almost spiritual connection she had with the Ultimate Pianist, and that was part of what led the Ultimate Maid to respect her so intensely, so quickly.
But what really solidified Kirumi's devotion to Kaede was their difference. Kaede was one of the first people to ever be able to actually challenge Kirumi's worldviews and get her to change her mind about something, anything!
"You may believe you are serving others with the best of intentions, but that doesn't mean those you serve will appreciate your help! It'll just come across as you spoiling them, because you're not considering your needs!" Kaede cried, and after long enough, her words finally started to sink in.
Kirumi came to see that, in order to better pursue her code of selfless devotion, she had to care for herself just as much as she cared for the others. If she were truly selfless, she would not see herself any differently than she saw her peers. So if she believed that they needed care, then she needed to believe that she did too. After all, one could not serve from an empty cup.
"Because of you, I was able to reexamine my principles… Thank you," Kirumi gave Kaede a genuinely appreciative smile, even curtseying a little. Even though, for half a second, Kirumi had been annoyed by Kaede daring to question her, she was able to put aside her feelings and genuinely listen and understand, and now that she was seeing it from Kaede's perspective, she felt nothing but gratitude and respect for the Ultimate Pianist.
"Don't mention it," Kaede mumbled back, suddenly looking very flustered and shy. Just like Kirumi, she wasn't one for praise.
From then on, Kirumi felt a deep sense of devotion to Kaede. Even if they didn't speak very often, Kirumi felt connected to her. They had so many similarities, and even their differences bound them together. Even from day one in the gym, when Kaede gave her first speech and won over the entire student body, Kirumi had been in awe of her and her natural charisma. Kaede continued impressing her ever since, even to this very day, and it made Kirumi want to support her even more!
But for once, Kirumi's good feelings for Kaede also worked for her, and Kirumi found herself wanting to be more like Kaede. She wanted to take Kaede's advice and try to be a bit more like her: more relaxed and friendly. She began to lower her walls and be less serious and formal. She still functioned as everyone's maid and mother, but after taking careful note of how Kaede did things, Kirumi was more careful with what requests she accepted, and how and why, and she opened up more. Kaede was, although she didn't even realize it, essentially Kirumi's teacher, role model.
But the very next day, everything was turned on its head.
"And that concludes… the events of this case…" Shuichi spoke with a heavy voice and a heavy heart, and it was clear that everyone else in the class trial with him felt the exact same way. Not only were they reeling from the very first murder of the Killing Game, but to realize that it was sweet, selfless Kaede Akamatsu who had done the deed made it all the more unbearable and agonizing.
Everyone else was still in desperate denial, trying their best to believe anything but the truth. Kirumi found herself torn between that side and Shuichi's side, and she would even say as much.
"It is a truth I do not wish to accept, but since Shuichi has brought everything to light…" Her eyes shut tight in pain as she said this, but because she was still trying to follow her moral code, Kaede's example, and Shuichi's accurate (albeit unpleasant) discovery, she said it nonetheless. She was not without compassion, though, understanding that everyone in the room was just as devastated as she was, and she still tried her best to comfort and reassure them all. "We can at least try to trust the Kaede we've come to know up to this point."
Her eyes opened again, glazed, sad, heavy, and almost pleading. But not pleading to be wrong about Kaede's murder. Instead, she seemed to be pleading with Kaede that she be right about trusting the girl. As Kirumi noted earlier, even back when they met, Kirumi felt some sort of connection to the pianist, and she could feel it now, stronger than ever.
"Even if she did commit a crime, what Kaede has said to us is not a lie. She wanted to protect us, and I firmly believe that to be the truth," the maid said, an unflinching sort of conviction in her voice that comforted the others, but also intimidated them by its intensity. But Kirumi had meant every word she said. Still looking deeply into Kaede's eyes, silent questions seemed to pass from the maid to the pianist.
Isn't that right, Kaede? You did all these horrible things in order to protect us, didn't you? You were willing to bear the burden of being seen as evil for the sake of your people…
And even though not a word passed between them, Kirumi could see it in Kaede's tearful yet regretless eyes that she was correct. Kaede stared back at her with love, guilt and conviction, a stare that Kirumi felt in the farthest reaches and deepest depths of her soul.
And that is what it means to serve with selfless devotion, the maid thought to herself, regret and pride filling her heart. Kaede really never did cease to astound her. Even though what she had done was wrong, her motive for doing so hit Kirumi so close to home. And to see the dignity and grace with which Kaede still managed to hold herself, even now, was a sort of composure Kirumi still hoped to one day attain.
Some of the others still floundered in denial, either struggling to accept this terrible truth, or still attempting to think their way out of it. But several, including Shuichi, were beginning to see and accept the truth for what it was, no matter how much they wanted it to be a lie.
"It was a murder… in attempt to save all our lives. That is the truth," the detective said, strained but firm. But only a second later, he began to break down crying. Even though Kirumi's own eyes stayed dry, her heart still went out to him, because she was feeling the exact same way. The Kirumi that existed behind those walls was, like Shuichi, in tears, desperately begging to know why…
"If you had just been less selfless, you would've have had to murder!" he sobbed. But through it all, Kaede remained cheerful, still radiating that same calm, caring aura she always did. It was something Kirumi wondered how she was able to do, and Shuichi even asked.
"Why are you smiling, Kaede? Why…? Why even now, why are you thinking of everyone else except yourself?!" he demanded, his own face twisted in despair. But Kaede only continued to smile, serene and proud and supportive and compassionate… and resigned.
Later on, she finally confessed to the other students why murder seemed like the best option at the time. It confirmed Kirumi's words from earlier and finally forced all the others to face and accept the grim reality, too.
"I thought it was my last chance to save everyone… I couldn't let that chance pass me by. I had to save everyone, no matter what!" Many other faces in the crowd were tearstained as well, if they hadn't been already. Even Kirumi began feeling that threatening sting at the back of her eyes. Knowing that she would be unable to speak, lest she break down completely, she could only stare at Kaede with a saddened respect, wanting nothing more than to comfort the girl, but knowing that doing so would only break both of them beyond repair. She felt so much solidarity and love for the pianist in her heart, but it was laced with pain and sorrow. She couldn't afford to let that despair consume her, especially not right now.
Seconds later, Kaede was, quite literally, dragged away for her execution. Throughout the entire execution, Kirumi could only wonder, what was the greater disgrace to Kaede? Was it watching her death unflinchingly, or daring to avert her eyes and spare Kaede her shame, but to also almost deny the reality of what was happening to her?
Somehow, Kirumi did both. Her eyes never left Kaede's body, even after it was crushed into oblivion by a giant iron maiden, but even though she'd watched the entire execution, it was so extreme and violent that her memory blocked most of it out even as it was happening. Mentally shutting down and blocking everything else out, Kirumi quickly reverted back to the way she was before she met Kaede. The maid took refuge in the familiar and all of Kaede's hard work with her was erased. Kirumi was gone, and only the Ultimate Maid remained. Walls up. Again. And this time, they were never ever coming back down again. Ever.
That night, Kirumi made dinner. Enough to fill 16 plates. Too much. Too much. But that was because she wanted to spend more time in the kitchen. She was stalling. She didn't want to face the other survivors. She didn't want to see a table where Kaede's seat was empty. But after the 16th meal was done, her time was up, and she was forced to head out to the dining hall. But right before she left the kitchen, she redistributed food from two of the plates to the other 14. The others couldn't know what she'd been up to while alone in the kitchen.
For most of the meal, the maid was able to compose herself and serve the survivors with the perfect grace and elegance that she always had. The others gave her strained smiles, amazed and a little put off that she was able to put on such a warm and calm façade after what had happened just a few short hours ago, but only a few of them were perceptive enough to realize that behind the mask, there was a storm.
As soon as dinner was done, Kirumi began to crumble. She was quick to usher the other students off to bed, insisting that she would handle the cleanup alone. Even the few that were kind enough to try to offer their assistance were politely sent away.
"I appreciate the concern, however, it is my duty and honor as a maid to take care of all the domestic chores, just as I promised I would," she managed to speak in that same calm and even tone as always, giving the students a serene smile before waving them away to bed.
A few of them paused to give her a reluctant and almost disbelieving look, but all of them were too weary (physically and emotionally) to do more than that. So even the most stubborn and suspicious of them were quick to yield, choosing only to bid the maid a goodnight before departing to the dorms. They weren't going to protest what she wanted to do.
As soon as the last of them was gone, Kirumi's façade fell away. She did not cry, didn't even make a sound, but she suddenly looked world-weary and old long before her time. Her shoulders slumped and her smile shrank. Her serene eyes turned distant, tired, cold and sad. She heaved a sigh and dragged her feet towards the table, no longer able to muster the will to glide or move with any sort of dignity.
Almost robotically, she picked up the plates and utensils one by one, balancing them precariously atop one another before carrying the entire load back into the kitchen as if it all weighed nothing. The mere act of cleaning up offered her some semblance of satisfaction and familiarity, and it was almost enough to coax a gentle smile out of her at one point, but behind the quiet exterior was a raging interior.
Even though she was emotionless on the outside, she felt like a frightened child within, lost and lonely, seeking guidance, but finding none. She felt like curling up on the floor and crying. She felt like running away screaming. She trembled and sobbed on the inside, but not a single tear fell, or even formed, in her eyes. Instead, she moved hollowly through the kitchen, slowly and methodically cleaning everything in sight and more.
Please, please, please! Let this not be real! Say it's just a bad dream! Please let Kaede come back! I want to see her again, in the dining hall, tomorrow for breakfast, just like always! Please bring her back… Don't let her be dead… Don't let that be real… Please… Don't let what I saw… Just let everything… be ok again… Please?
All too soon, the dishes were done. Every bit of food had been thrown away and every last dish and utensil was cleaned to sparkling perfection. The dining hall was spotless. Then Kirumi started on the kitchen. She was currently scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush. She was still shaking inside, stomach twisting and turning. Her throat swelled and burned. Finally, halfway through her "cleaning crusade", she finally felt her eyes grow wet and start to sting. Her breathing got louder and more labored as she continued to plead with the universe, begging for Kaede.
The next morning, Kaede did not come down for breakfast. Kirumi only prepared 14 plates.
For the rest of the day, the maid became feverish in her attempt to find more things to do just to keep her mind off Kaede.
"I, too, intend to fulfill Kaede's request. So I will valiantly perform any task, trivial or otherwise," she said. The others gave her varying looks of skepticism, admiration and uncertainty, but she meant every word she said. At this point, it was one of her last links to sanity. Selfless devotion was her new madness mantra. Anything to help her forget…
Then, once Kirumi had her desired list of chores, she glided away to complete them, concealing an almost mad delight at finally having something to do, hoping that the chores would keep the demons at bay. Retreating back into herself, looking desperately for any sort of escape, Kirumi fulfilled every request and more before all but begging for another round later.
But even though there was desperation in her words, nothing showed in her voice or face. As such, even the Ultimate Detective was having a hard time reading her. She no longer spoke unless spoken to, and she all but hid from the others unless one of them explicitly called for her (or if she needed more chores to do). She never stopped either. She barely even slowed down. She just kept on working, endlessly and relentlessly.
But that was because it was her first lapse in stoicism that led to Kaede's death. If she hadn't lapsed, hadn't lowered her walls, she could've remained focused and pragmatic. But she let Kaede convince her that a life with walls down was better. She gave it a shot. And in that, she became distracted. She lost sight of their goal of escape. She became stagnant and complacent and forgot to fight. And it cost Kaede her life. It was a mistake Kirumi vowed she'd never ever make again. This time, she'd stay alert and focused. There would be no more fatal errors from her.
"That's right. I must survive... because I carry the weight of an entire school on my shoulders! So no matter what, I cannot falter now, or ever again! Even now, I refuse to give up!" she told herself as she aggressively scrubbed the floors for the third time that day. "I intend to live! I must survive! No matter what it takes! We have to escape! I won't die here!"
But even though Kirumi's thoughts were very loud, her exterior was silent. Walls up. That was the only way to survive in a world like this. To lower them for even a second was death. Whether it was death to the body or death to the soul didn't matter, Kirumi couldn't afford it either way, so up they went.
AN: Just a comparison fic between the maid and pianist, just because they feel really similar to me, even down to their motives for killing.
I even like to think that the reason Kirumi defended Kaede was because Kirumi understood Kaede's motive all too well…
And I guess this could also explain why, despite the progress Kaede made with Kirumi, Kirumi seemed to have reverted by the time Shuichi took over as protagonist.