~So much pain may come our way

There may come a day when we have nothing left to say~

From Glory Fairfax, to a brother

This was Audra's idea. We were talking, me and her and Hailey, about how much we left unsaid. There's so many people we've lost, and all of us wish that we had a way to tell you all what we really feel. So maybe you'll never read this, but maybe somewhere you're watching me writing these words, and in that way, you're hearing what I'm telling you.

It all started with you. Nobody else understood me like you did, and when you died. . . I felt so alone for a long time. But I'm glad that Audra was with you when you died, and you weren't alone. And I'm glad you're not alone now, either. Mom and dad and Noble and Modesty are with you now, and as much as I miss you all, I'm glad you have each other. I'll see you again, even if it might be a while. I know you'll wait.

I miss you all. But I'm gonna be okay. I wasn't always sure about that, but I am now. I hope that wherever you are, you're proud of me.

Love,

Your little sister.

From Audra Lee, to a bunch of knuckleheads,

Hey dad. Arc, Liam, Ollie, I miss all of you so, so much. Things are quiet without you guys screaming and fighting in the halls. Sometimes I wonder where you'd all be if I never won.

Liam, you'd be a manager at the power plant by now. You and dad were always so similar to each other. I think that's why you always fought. But I know you two loved each other, I just hope you both knew that.

Ollie, you were always so smart. I always told you that you were going to end up running the district, and I wasn't just saying that to be nice. Thanks for letting me cheat off your homework, and for being someone I could always go to with a problem and get an answer.

Arc, you're a dork and would probably still be living at home with dad. I'm kidding. (Maybe). Do you remember when you tried to dye my hair pink while I was sleeping as a prank? And then you spilled it all over the pillow and blanket and dad was so mad that you ruined the sheets. I think that was the hardest I ever laughed. I never told you this, I guess I was too proud, but you were always my best friend. I wish I had told you that. I miss your laugh.

Dad, thank you for being there, no matter how hard it got. It didn't matter how bad things got, I could always count on coming home to you and just knowing that everything was going to be okay. I love you, dad. It's hard sometimes, but I'll keep on staying strong. For you. For mom. For Liam and Ollie and Arc. I'll make you all proud.

Love,

Another knucklehead

From Hailey Hills, to dad.

I didn't want to write this letter. I wasn't going to do it, but I was talking to Marquise on the phone today and he convinced me to try. I still don't want to, but I'll try. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say to you anyways.

I'm not sure I'll ever forgive you. I understand that's stupid, and maybe it's selfish and mean and makes me a bad person but I can't help it. You left me alone. I think it's why I became this person. I can't let anyone in anymore, because every time I do, I'm scared that it's gonna be like you again, and they'll just leave me.

So with all of that said, I really don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you. But I want to try.

Love,

Your daughter

From Glory, to my mentor and friend.

It's been a year since I've sent one of these letters. I don't know why it took me so long to write one to you. I don't know what I would have done without you there to take me under your wing. I'd probably still be a broken little kid who didn't know what she was doing. But you taught me how to be strong.

I wish you could have stuck around long enough to see me become the person you knew I could be. I don't know if I'll ever have kids, but if I do, and I have a daughter, I'm naming her Melody.

Love,

Your favorite mentee

From Audra, to a drunken idiot that I still love anyways.

It's my 21st birthday today, and so I thought I'd write to you again. It's been a few years now, and so much has changed. I've been teaching River how to read, and well, she's still River, but she's getting the hang of it. Maybe someday she'll be able to write letters herself.

I'm glad I don't have to do it by myself anymore. I wonder how you did it sometimes. Twenty-four years, all by yourself. It's no wonder that alcohol seemed like your only option. There's a new soap that just started. I watched the first episode with the kid and we laughed at how bad it was together. It's weird sometimes, realizing she thinks of me the same way that I always saw you. I thought that you knew what you were doing, but now I realize you were just faking it like the rest of us.

You did a good job though. I would've poured out a drink for you today, but I know how much you hated wasting good liquor. Don't worry, it was just for the birthday. Even if I tried to stash some liquor, with how much River is running around and getting herself cut up, I doubt I'd ever get to use any of it for drinking.

Anyways, all of this was just to say that things are good here. Sometimes I thought I wouldn't ever be able to say that. Don't wait up for me, old man. With how fast time is flying, I'll probably be up there with you in no time. I love you, Caleb.

Love,

Your victor

From Hailey, to a girl that's dead because of me.

I rewatched our Games a week ago. I don't know why. It was on the television, and instead of switching away like I normally do, I sat and watched instead. I forgot how full of life you were. Sometimes when people are gone for long enough we forget how alive they were once.

By the end I was ready to reach for a bottle again and throw away four hard years of sobriety like the idiot I am. And then I saw the finale. I never realized before that you could have run. They didn't have us boxed in. You could have turned and ran and left me there to die. You didn't fight because you had no choice. Even after everything I did, you put yourself in between him and me.

I'm not sure what to make of that. I could sit and pout the way I normally do about where everything went wrong. I could cry about how big of an idiot I was for bringing you in, how evil and irredeemable that makes me. Maybe I wouldn't be wrong to do all that.

But what good would that do anyone?

There's an old abandoned school not far from where you lived, and I have more of this victor's money than I know what to do with, and I told Glory and Marquise about it and they both thought it was a good idea and chipped in too, and as of yesterday it's official. Freeman Academy.

I can't undo what I did to you. There's no taking back that bad thing I did. But Maybe if I can add some more good to the world, that can balance it out.

Love, a dumb girl doing her best

From Glory, to the girl that I'm here because of.

It's surreal to think about sometimes. We were so similar, yet so different at the same time. Back then I used to look up at you as this mature adult who knew so much more than me. I forget sometimes just how young you were.

My daughter is your age now. It scares me to imagine her going through everything that you went through. For you to give everything up to let me live. . . you were so, so brave. I owe a lot of people a lot of things, but nobody more than you. I wish there was some way I could repay that gift you gave me. The gift of life, full of opportunity and hope and all the things I cherish now.

I'm doing the best I can. I can't say I've lived a perfect life. I've made mistakes, and not everything has been peaches. But I'm living, and I owe that all to you. I'll never forget it.

Love, your friend Glory

From Hailey, to a friend in District Eleven.

Hey Marquise. I know, this is cheating, since you're still alive and all. And I know that we talk over the phone just about every day anyways, but I still wanted to write you anyway. Don't ask why I'm not just sending this letter to you. I don't really know why myself.

I've written a half-dozen of these now, and I got past the ones that should've been the hardest. But there's still that one that I can't bring myself to write, no matter how hard I try. If I were talking to you this is probably the part where you'd start rambling about forgiveness and how important that is.

But maybe some things just can't be forgiven.

Anyways, I'll be seeing you in a few weeks in the Capitol. I'll be 5 years sober tomorrow. Yay me. I'm sure you'll call, you always remember that sort of thing. Maybe I'll tell you about this letter when you do. Maybe I'll just throw it in the fire and forget I ever sat here writing it.

See ya soon.

Love, your coolest friend.

From Hailey, to the guy that left me alone when I needed him most.

Hey Gal. It's been a while. It was the 10 year anniversary of the day you died yesterday. I don't know why, but I decided to go to the cemetery to see your grave. I hate cemeteries. Your gravestone was right there with all the others, Melody and May and Prestige and a bunch of other dead kids I haven't been able to bring home. It made me realize how old I'm getting, looking at the rows of stones.

I didn't realize how many years have flown by. Looking at you all made me realize that. And well, I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating you. So I'm just going to say it. I forgive you. I forgive you for leaving me alone and making me wonder if there was any point to holding on anymore. I'm sick of holding grudges with ghosts.

I'm doing better now, better than I ever thought that I'd be doing. You've missed a lot. Glory has a kid now (which is gross) and I'm doing more than just sitting inside and drinking. Can't say that I'm perfect. But I'm trying. I'm trying so, so hard, and I can only hope that'll be enough.

Sometimes I still wonder why it was me that was left alive. So many good people died while I kept on living, and it never made any sense. Why me? Is it just dumb luck, or is there some point to it? I still don't know the answer to that, and I don't think I ever will.

But that's okay. Because I forgive you. And maybe more importantly, I forgive myself. One way or another, I'm still here. Still breathing and fighting. And I'm not gonna let that go to waste. I'm not a monster or a waste or a mistake. I'm blunt and mean and grumpy and imperfect.

And I'm me.

I think I'm finally okay with that.