WARNINGS - still birth, death of babies, suicide attempts (Dazai), guilt,

So I don't have any experience with this and I know there's many ways someone would cope with something like this, so this is more exploring how Dazai dealt with it (spoiler! not very well)

So, in my omegaverse universe's pregnancy lasts 6 months - the 12 week scan is at 8 weeks, and the 6 month gender scan is at 4 months, after birth they usually pass out for a few hours and their body sorta resets to prebaby weight etc- leftover from when they were essentially used for breeding, they needed to be healthy to have more kids sooner, they usually breastfeed for a month after birth, and heats start again about 3 months after birth

Cwtch/Cwtched/Cwtching - It's a Welsh word, here it's meaning a cuddle or hug (but like nicer, cosier and more personal than a hug if that makes any sense?) The word can also mean a small cupboard/cubbyhole

Dazai and Chuuya had been dating for two years when an accident during one of Dazai's heats resulted in him getting pregnant. When they found out they were terrified at the prospect of becoming parents at only eighteen, and tried to hide Dazai's pregnancy. They barely slept, partly due to Dazai's morning sickness and partly due to the stress of trying to work out how they would raise a child, as neither of them had much experience with children. They didn't even know how to go about making an appointment for the required scans and checks of their child. When their work started suffering, they had to tell Mori and Kouyou what had happened, to Dazai and Chuuya's surprise, they were supportive and offered to raise the child as the two boys clearly weren't ready. They agreed, it was a way for them to still be in their child's life, without the stress and fear of messing up their child's life.

That all changed the day Dazai had his first scan, Mori was taking care of his scans and other checkups, having worked a variety of roles during his time as a doctor. Dazai and Chuuya were nervous at seeing their child for the first time, it would make the whole situation real. Mori started the scan, checking the child was healthy before turning the screen to Dazai and Chuuya.

As they took in the two grey-ish blobs on the screen, they knew, they would never be able to give up their children. They may be young and terrified, but they would make it work and try to be the best parents they were capable of being.

Mori and Kouyou didn't mind their change of heart, having expected it to happen. The only requirement Mori had was that Dazai try to hide the pregnancy, as high-ranking Mafia executives, he was afraid it would make them targets. As his bump grew Dazai found it difficult, but his subordinates were too afraid of the demon prodigy to query his sudden weight gain.

Dazai was now four months pregnant, his second scan had gone well, and Mori was content that everything was progressing as it should. They'd chosen not find out the gender, wanting to have the surprise when they were born. The fear of becoming parents was starting to fade, and they'd already put together the nursery in the house he and Chuuya had bought. Chuuya had proposed the same day the babies had started kicking, and they'd provisionally set a date for two years later – hoping their children would be the perfect age to take part.

Dazai had had a stressful week, along with Ango and Odasaku they had been researching the 'Mimic' group, and today it came to its conclusion.

He knew he shouldn't haven't gotten worked up when he realised Mori planned to sacrifice Odasaku. He knew he shouldn't have rushed over there to save his friend. He knew it could be bad for the babies, but he went anyway. He knew Chuuya was following close behind, ready to intervene if it looked like his babies could get harmed.

It didn't go to plan, as Odasaku died in his arms he felt a searing pain in his bump. His screams echoing as Chuuya entered, grabbing Dazai's coat on his way to comfort his mate.

"It'll be okay" Chuuya pulled Dazai in for a cwtch, hoping his scent would calm Dazai.

"I'm not going back, owwwww" Dazai clutched his bump.

"I heard, it's okay, we'll make it work. Are the babies kicking hard?" Chuuya asked concerned.

"They're not really moving right now, they've been quite quiet allowwwwwwww day"

"Dazai your trousers are wet, are you okay?"

Dazai shook his head, "I didn't pee myself if that's what you're asking, I…I think owwwww, the babies…" trailed off, knowing Chuuya would understand.

"Osamu, it's too early."

"I know but, just humour me? Get the trousers off and have a look, okay?"

Chuuya hurriedly pulled off Dazai's trousers, as Dazai whimpered in pain.

"Fuck, it looks like we get to meet our babies today Osamu, we're not going to make it to a hospital, but you're strong and we can do this okay?"

Dazai nodded, too scared to say anything. Chuuya grabbed Dazai's coat and placed it next to him as it was clean enough to put the babies on. Dazai groaned through another contraction. Chuuya rubbed Dazai's bump and kissed him, wishing he could take away the fear on his mate's face.

"Whatever happens, I love you so much Chuuya" Dazai whispered.

"I love you to. Now, next contraction I want you to push okay? That's what the books said to do."

Dazai nodded, the contractions got closer and his screams of pain echoed through the room.

Soon their first baby was born,

"It's a boy." Chuuya announced, quickly putting the baby down on the coat, trying not to notice how still and quiet the baby was, as their second child was following quickly.

"It's a girl" Chuuya announced. Their daughter was also still and quiet.

"I want to hold them" Dazai whispered. Chuuya placed both babies on Dazai's chest, before moving to sit behind him.

"They're so small Chuuya. Owww my belly still hurts" Dazai started trying to feed them, but was struggling. "Why…why aren't they feeding Chuuya? I've been eating healthily so my milk would be good for them…what am I doing wrong?!" Dazai's voice broke into a sob.

"Osamu…. I don't think they survived." Chuuya whispered.

"Survived? Ahhhoww" Dazai asked confused, rubbing his stomach.

"They…" Chuuya swallowed, not wanting to believe what he was seeing, as he tried to find the words, Mori entered.

"Oh, I see the babies have been born, my apologies I tried to get here quickly"

Dazai stiffened, Mori was the last person he wanted to see right now.

"I panicked Dazai, and he is a good doctor, even if he can be a terrible person." Chuuya tried to explain. Mori crouched on the floor and checked Dazai over. Dazai groaned in pain again, and Mori's face paled as he noticed fresh blood on Dazai's legs.

"Why aren't they feeding? The books said they would be hungry." Dazai asked to no one in particular.

"It's because…" Chuuya couldn't stop the sob as the tears started falling, "Our babies are dead Osamu." Chuuya whispered.

"NO. No, no, no. You're wrong."

Mori reached up to check the pulse of both babies.

"He's right Dazai." His voice was soft.

Dazai started laughing, there was a manic edge to it, "I grew them for four whole months, my babies can't be de—de… gone, before they've even lived….right? Chuuya…?" Dazai's laughter turned into tears, he whimpered in pain again, trying to rub his stomach without disrupting the babies that were still lying on his chest.

"We need to get him to a hospital, there's something wrong with him." Mori told Chuuya, Dazai tried to tell them he was fine, but the world went black.

Dazai woke up six hours later, in one of the Port Mafia medical rooms. He was hooked up to an ECG monitor and his whole body ached, his body was back to his pre-baby size and shape. Chuuya was sat on a chair next to the bed, watching Dazai, his eyes were red and puffy, two covered cribs were in the corner of the room.

"Chuuya… was it all a bad dream?" Dazai whispered.

Chuuya shook his head, "I'm sorry Osamu, but…" he started crying, Dazai opened his arms and Chuuya cwtched in. "Mori said…he said… they had probably been dead for a few hours before you went into labour. There's nothing anyone could have done to stop it from happening, it's just…just one of those things and we were the unlucky ones."

Dazai was saved from answering when Mori knocked on the door and entered.

"I've just come to check on you Dazai, how are you feeling?"

"My whole body aches, and where's my breastmilk gone? How am I going to feed my babies?"

"Dazai, your babies were stillborn, and your body has adjusted to that. There was nothing I could do to bring them back. I'm truly sorry."

"Can I see them?" Dazai asked

"Of course, they're just over here, can you stand?"

Dazai nodded, Chuuya helped him off the bed and to the cribs in the corner, his arm never leaving Dazai. Mori removed the cover and Dazai took in his son and daughter, they were wrapped in a blanket with a matching hat.

"They're just sleeping" Dazai murmured, reaching to grab them. Chuuya went to stop him, but Mori spoke,

"Let him, it may be good for your future selves if you have some photo's taken with them like this."

Chuuya just nodded, and helped Dazai back to the bed, Mori placed the babies in Dazai's arms. Chuuya sat awkwardly next to him, he'd spent time with his babies whilst Dazai slept and despite the grief, he understood they were gone. Mori took the photographs quickly and put the babies back in the crib. As they were covered again, Dazai started crying. Chuuya cwtched him closer, knowing words were useless at this point.

"Next we're going to have to sort the arrangements – do you want them cremated or buried? There's a plot in the Mafia grave yard you can use, it's in the section for executive use, so there'll be fewer prying eyes if you decide to visit."

"I… I want them cremated. We can keep some of their ashes at home then, but still have a special place to visit. If that's okay with you Chuuya?"

"Yeah, I was thinking the same"

"Okay, I've spoken to Kouyou she'll take care of the arrangements, so it can be done as quickly as possible."

"Thanks."

"I'd like you to stay here until the funeral, I want to observe Dazai for a bit longer, as he did lose a lot of blood after the birth. You'll be fine to share a bed with him now though Chuuya. If there's anything wrong just give me a call." Mori turned to leave, "Oh, and I've made therapy appointments for both of you, but in the meantime, you can talk to Kouyou, Hirotsu or myself."

"Thank you" Chuuya murmured, as Dazai buried his face in Chuuya's neck and started sobbing.

The next twenty-four hours was the longest of their lives. They cried and talked and barely slept. Kouyou had done a lovely job arranging their babies funeral and soon they were returning home, a small urn in hand with their babies ashes mixed. A larger urn was at the Port Mafia cemetery, they had chosen not to name their babies, instead opting to mark their grave with 'Baby Girl Nakahara-Dazai' and 'Baby Boy Nakahara-Dazai', Dazai had insisted they share an urn, he didn't want them alone in the afterlife.

Back home they set up the urn with a photograph taken the day before of the four of them on a shelf in the living room.

"Can…can I place a photograph of Odasaku with them?" Dazai asked.

"Sure" Chuuya replied, with everything that had happened, he'd forgotten that Dazai's friend had died as well. Dazai added a photograph of Odasaku he'd taken at Bar Lupin, it was from the last time they'd gone there. He sniffled, trying to stop the tears.

"C'mon, lets shower and go to bed, tomorrow's a new day, right?" Chuuya took Dazai's arm and steered him upstairs.

The next month was difficult.

They both dealt with the grief in their own way. Chuuya took to the structure of therapy, but found himself having to push down his grief and tears to deal with Dazai.

Dazai didn't deal with the grief well. He'd taken to dealing with bad days with a knife, his bandages constantly needing changing as he haphazardly dressed the cuts. He struggled to comprehend that his babies were gone and most nights Chuuya found Dazai in the nursery late at night feeding and changing a baby that wasn't there. It was heart-breaking for Chuuya to see Dazai in this state, but nothing he did or said to help worked. He was starting to find himself resentful of Dazai, he couldn't work through his own grief, if he was trying to make sure his partner stayed alive.

It was almost a month after they lost their babies, Mori asked them to come in for a check-up. Chuuya hoped he'd have a solution for Dazai's delusions, especially as the therapist they were seeing didn't seem to be helping him. Mori met them on the medical floor, whilst they had a team of doctors to treat the staff, he still kept an office for the few patients that he still saw.

"How are we doing today boys?" Mori asked as they sat down.

"I'm…surviving" Chuuya replied,

"I'm so tired, the babies were up at all hours last night and this one, well he sleeps through anything doesn't he?"

"Dazai, our babies are gone, remember?" Chuuya corrected him.

Dazai took a deep breath, willing the tears not to fall.

"Okay, we'll return to this later. I just wanted to bring you in to go over the results of some tests I ran after the birth."

"Tests?" Dazai asked, confused.

"Yes, miscarriage and stillbirths are unusual in omega's and usually their body doesn't want that to happen again, but you're young and I thought it may not be as bad as I feared but, you can't have another child Dazai."

"Will he still have heats?" Chuuya asked

"No, the pain and bleeding after he gave birth was his last heat as such."

"I…I can't have another child?" Dazai had finally caught up with what Mori had said.

"I'm so sorry, I know it's a lot to take in, especially at your ages. But there's nothing that can be done to change it."

Dazai started sobbing and Chuuya pulled him into his lap, to comfort him. He would cry later, he'd tried not to put hope in the fact they could have another child, but that fact it would never be an option wasn't something he'd considered. As Chuuya comforted Dazai he cried himself to sleep. With Dazai quiet, Mori spoke,

"Chuuya, how long has Dazai's delusions been going on?"

"Since we got home, the therapist told me the best tactic was to calmy tell him the truth and make sure he wasn't in a position to harm himself. It has been…tough, he's self harming more than before and I really don't how much more I can take, I can't grieve because I'm terrified I'm going to lose Dazai as well."

"It may be time to consider an inpatient facility for Dazai. How about we change his therapist and if the delusions are still there in a month, we'll go over your options?"

"Thanks"

"It's important that you both get through this."

Dazai fidgeted and woke up,

"Feeling better?" Chuuya asked

"Not really," Dazai yawned.

"Oh, and Dazai, I've sorted a new job for you. I know you want to work for the light and a position has come up with the Armed Detective Agency. You won't be able to start for another two years as we need to wipe your past but if you want to take it, I have no problem in letting you go."

"Are you sure?" Dazai asked

"It's the least I can do." Mori smiled, Dazai didn't know it was all part of his plan. It would have worked better if Dazai felt like it had been his choice to leave the Mafia and if he had found the job himself but given the circumstances it would work. Even if it hadn't been his plan, he knew if Dazai returned to the death and destruction of the Mafia, Chuuya's worst nightmare would come true.

"Thank you"

"We'll sort the details closer to the time. I just want you both to take the time you need to heal. I'll see you again in a month."

They left, Chuuya took Dazai out for dinner in the hope of bringing some normality back to their lives. Chuuya hoped the new therapist would work and he'd get his Dazai back.

Chuuya never got to find out if the new therapist for Dazai would work. As the next day – the one month anniversary of their babies and Odasaku's death, Dazai tried to kill himself. Chuuya found him in time, and took him straight to Mori. Dazai was given little choice in being admitted to the inpatient facility, but to their surprise, he agreed. Chuuya had packed a bag for Dazai and took him to the facility that evening. It was an emotional parting as Dazai wouldn't be able to see Chuuya again for at least six months, depending on his progress.

With Dazai out of the way, Chuuya was able to properly grieve. Kouyou moved in with him, wanting to ensure he didn't do anything rash or crazy. A week after Dazai left Chuuya tackled the nursery, part of him wanted to throw it all away, but he knew Dazai would never forgive him for doing it without him. Instead, he carefully packaged the clothes, books and stuffed toys, took apart the cribs and stored them in the attic. Kouyou slept in his bed that night, cwtching him close as the tears fell. She hated seeing him like that, but knew he would feel better for it.

It took Chuuya three months before he could get through a day without crying, but Kouyou knew he was starting to feel better when she came home to him making dinner for the two of them. She usually had to coax him to eat, and he had no interest in doing anything bar watching TV or reading the same book over and over.

Little by little, Chuuya returned to his usual chirpy self, he still had bad days, but six months after Dazai left, he was able to return to work. Mori started him on part time hours, afraid of pushing him too far, but he thrived back at work and was soon back to his usual hours. With Chuuya back in work, Kouyou had gone back to her own home, although she did spend a lot of their days off with Chuuya.

At the same time, Dazai was doing worse. For the first week he screamed himself hoarse demanding to see his babies, followed by a week of cursing Chuuya for keeping them away from him. He made minimal progress in therapy, despite seeing their dead bodies and their funeral, Dazai refused to believe his babies were gone, until he accepted that he would make no progress. Because of this, he was unable to see Chuuya after six months had passed. That made him slip again, he picked the lock to the cabinet the kitchen knives were in and took it back to his room. He wrote a letter to Chuuya and unwound the bandages, he didn't get far, the knife was too blunt and he hadn't realised the cabinet was alarmed. The staff found him and sedated him before he could do too much damage.

Ten months after he had been taken to the facility and eleven months after their babies' death, Dazai was sent a letter by Chuuya, after his therapist had read it, they decided that it may benefit Dazai to read it.

Dear Osamu,

I miss you so much. I know this was for the best and I hope the facility is working for you. Oh, who am I kidding, you're stubborn and for whatever reason can't accept our little ones are gone. Please Dazai, our home is too quiet without you and your crazy antics, I know we all work at our own pace, but I want to see you again, I want to hold you in my arms and no longer sleep in an empty bed. They won't let me see you until you're doing a little better. It's the one year anniversary soon, please don't make me visit their grave alone, I think, after all we've been through together doing that alone may break me.

Love you forever

Chuuya xxx

The writing was blotchy towards the end where Chuuya had started crying. It was at that point Dazai realised what he had to do, how he could be with his Chuuya again.

Everyone was convinced his babies were dead, so he just had to tell him he believed it to.

He had to lie.