A/N - Hi guys! I hope you all had a lovely Christmas regardless of the current situation in the world.

I was too chicken to enter the Thirsty contest so I thought I would post this anyway. This is somewhat of my own rendition of them reuniting in New Moon but very differently. Let me know what you think!

SM owns the characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

~~See me at the bottom :)~~

Numb.

That's the only way I've felt since the day I made the excruciating and cowardly decision to leave her.

I had gotten used to numb.

I had adapted to living with numbness.

Some days, it felt like the numbness had its own identity.

There was also the pain I carried.

And the anger.

Anger at myself.

Anger at her for being so fragile.

Anger at Jasper for lunging at her.

Anger for her clumsiness.

Anger for my inability to keep her safe.

Anger for running away.

Anger for not turning her the day she sat next to me in Biology class.

Anger sometimes overtook the numbness and the pain. And I let it. I took it out on my family, I took it out on my old home in Chicago and I also took it out on my prey.

It wasn't long after we left that I couldn't stand to be around my family or people in general.

As soon as we packed up our bags and left Forks behind, I separated myself from the rest of them. I didn't want to listen to their thoughts, hear the pity in their voices, or in Rosalie's case, the selfishness and anger at having to move away, or her occasional I-told-you-so's. I didn't want any of that.

All I wanted was to have her back in my arms.

I wanted the burn from her blood.

I wanted to see her cheeks flush from my touch.

I wanted to be able to watch her sleep, listen to her utter my name, and then sigh in contentment.

I wanted to be back in our meadow.

I wanted her perched on top of me in our sanctuary, with her hair falling like a curtain around our faces as the sun shines above her, complimenting the shade of her silky hair.

I wanted to feel her lips on mine again.

I'd imagined a thousand ways of undressing her. Something my former self would have avoided -the way my thoughts would turn improper without my consent- in fear that she is able to read my mind.

But still, I imagined it.

I'd imagined the way her naked body would feel against my marble self.

I'd also imagined the way her naked body would feel if it was like my own.

How different it would be if we were the same temperature.

How different it would be if we were indestructible.

How different it would be if I could go back in time.

I can't remember the last time I fed. It could be days, weeks, or maybe even months since I've tasted blood. Blood from an animal was hard to come by in Chicago. More than once, I've thought about breaking into a blood bank and feeding the way God intended.

God…what a joke of a concept.

A supposed deity. To me, God was as real as the easter bunny.

God wouldn't let monsters like me roam the earth if he was real.

But it didn't matter anymore.

I didn't matter anymore.

For I am nothing without her.

I wonder if she still thinks about me.

Has she moved on?

Is there someone else who gets to hold her hand now?

Does she blush the same way for him like she did for me?

Is she happy?

I've been toying with the idea of going back from the moment we left. Just to check on her.

I promised her she would never see me again. I should therefore stick to my word had become my mantra.

I don't exist in her world anymore.

I keep telling myself this is what I wanted. This was the whole reason why I'm back in the house I lived in as a human.

On my own. With nothing but my own thoughts. And my good fiend numbness.

Eventually, days turned into nights. Nights turned into days. On and on it would go until the world ends.

I just hope I end before It does.

Even to this day, my phone continues to ring. I don't understand why they still bother. I'm sure Alice can tell them I'm still in this realm. I may be dead inside but my body is still here. However, day in and day out, they continue to call me. I used to pick up before, at least for the first few months, but the longer I stayed here, the less I wanted to hear from them.

The conversation was always the same.

Carlisle, telling me they support my decision.

Esme, asking me when I'm coming home.

Rosalie, calling me every name under the sun and telling me in detail how I've ruined her life.

Emmett, asking if he can come to visit.

Jasper, apologising. Again.

Alice, updating me about her.

I first stopped picking up Alice's calls. Then the rest followed. I'm surprised Alice would ever want to speak to me again after the way I spoke to her the last time. Our conversation was clear as day in my head still.

"Charlie has finally stopped threatening to take her back to Jacksonville but that's only because she-" I didn't let her finish though.

"I fucking told you I don't want to hear it, Alice! When are you going to get it through your thick fucking skull that I don't want to hear about what she's up to?! I'm dead to her. We're dead to her. If you care about me, or her for that matter, you will stop seeking out her future. Leave her the hell alone as I promised her we will!" I hung up before she could respond.

My phone of course continued to blow up with every other family member trying to reach out, but I ignored them.

Laughter pulled me out of my stupor as it carried through the otherwise silent night. There were a few fraternity and sorority houses scattered around my old home and every now and then, drunk teens would stumble down my street late hours of the night.

I could physically feel my eyes turning a darker shade of black as their scents hit me. They smelled good. Really good. My mouth pooled with venom -I was surprised I could still produce- and my feet carried me toward the window in my attic.

As I peered down, I watched as a group of girls stumbled their way home from a party. Their thoughts lingering on the night's activities as they spoke over each other. They teased one of them for hooking up with a guy even though she promised she wouldn't. They seemed so carefree. They had no idea of the creature lurking at the old house no one paid attention to anymore.

Their scents, however, were highlighted by the alcohol they consumed. They didn't smell as good as her but they smelled good enough for my body to react and for the predator to make his appearance.

People walked past this house on a daily basis and I have been able to ignore them. But there was something about the way these girls smelled. Something that was ingrained in me for eternity.

Strawberry shampoo.

A scent I would recognise anywhere.

My mouth continued to pool with venom as flashes of memories bombarded my psyche.

I was assaulted with imagines of her coming out of the shower, drying her strawberry scented hair with a towel whilst another one was tightly wrapped around her body.

I used to hide my erection every time she would come into her room, or my old room, in nothing but a towel. That one flimsy material was the only thing between her naked body and me. I would be able to turn it into shreds with just my fingers if I'd allowed myself the pleasure.

She would blush and turn away, almost as if she'd forgotten I was there. But I would continue to watch her. Watch the way the lucky droplets of water would run down her smooth back. Watch the way she would get on her tiptoes to reach for the body lotion on top of her dresser. Watch the way she would bend at the waist as she rubbed lotion onto her legs, my hands twitching every time, wanting to be able to do that for her. Some days I thought she was intentionally putting on a show for me. She had to know the effect she had on me. I may be dead but I'm still a man.

If I could go back in time and meet her again, I wouldn't hold back. I'd kiss her the way I wanted to. I'd bruise her lips from my kisses and make sure the Mike Newtons of the world knew who she belonged to. I would make love to her; share the one thing I have kept to myself for all these years.

Give her all of me.

And I would take her innocence.

I wouldn't hold back. I'd want her to know the real me, know what she was getting herself into.

Know who she was giving up her innocence to.

I would worship the ground she walks on and show her every day just how much she means to me. I want her to feel a fraction of what I feel for her. I don't know if humans are able to love as we do, but I'd want her to.

I want her to feel the animalistic urges I feel. I want to claim her body and soul.

I want to make her immortal.

Something I have denied myself to think about for too long.

I was lying to myself and everyone around me as I fought the idea.

It was a lie.

I do want her to become like me.

I want her by my side for eternity.

But I was, and am, a coward.

I found myself back in the spot I'd been occupying for the past however long as silence once again took over the night.

I liked the silence. It reminded me of being in her presence. It was peaceful and quiet and all my focus could be spent on her.

My own brand of heroin.

The shrill of my cell phone pierced the quiet and I found myself growling at the offending object. To be truthful, I was surprised it still had any life left.

I don't know what made me do it, must be the masochist in me - but I reached towards it and swiped my finger across the screen, connecting me to whoever was on the other line.

"Edward? It's Rose…I'm calling to let you know you can come back now, your precious human is gone. Alice saw her dive off a cliff and she hasn't resurfaced. You can drop the sorry act and come back so that we can put this shitshow behind us and move on. Edward? Are you there? Did you hear what I said? She's dead. Just come home ok? Carlisle wants to move to Ireland and he wants all of us there and that includes you. Edward?" Her exasperated voice was cut off as I crushed the phone in my hand.

She was…dead?

But she promised me.

She promised me she wouldn't do anything reckless.

She promised to be happy.

She was…dead?

Gone.

My Bella.

Gone.

I got used to the numb, I would welcome it with open arms, so why was the numbness manifesting into pain? Why was there a strange strangled noise coming out of me? Why were my eyes stinging with unshed tears? Why was I feeling this excruciating pain all over again?

She can't be dead.

I can't exist in a world she is no longer part of.

There has to be a way for this pain to end.

There has to be a way for me to end.

If I leave now, I could be in Volterra in a matter of days. I could charter a boat and at least hunt on my way there, just enough so I could have the strength to enrage the brothers and have them end my pathetic existence.

I don't know how long I've sat there forming this plan but I eventually found some form of strength and sprang into action. I ran down to my parent's old bedroom and pulled out some paper, sitting down to write Carlisle and Esme a letter, explaining what I'm about to do. They at least deserve some closure.

I will also write to Charlie. He at least deserves this. Poor Charlie has lost the one precious thing in his life. She was the ray of light in his otherwise mundane life.

At least I will get to join her in the afterlife.

Soon, my Bella. We will be together soon enough.

I continued to get my affairs in order. If I'm going to leave this life, I at least wanted to make sure my parent's house will be looked after by Carlisle as well as the fortune I had managed to secure over the years. I don't care what he does with that.

I was going to leave this earth the way I came into it, with nothing.

She took my reason for living with her.

It took me longer than I wanted to erase myself from this world. I had to break into someone's home in order to borrow their phone to call Jenks and charter a boat that could get me to Italy.

My thirst was unimaginable by this point, and the old couple smelled appetising. The monster within didn't see anything wrong with me having one last little taste before I die.

However, somewhere deep inside, my inner subconscious carried me outside their home and back into my own without touching a hair on their heads.

I still didn't want to disappoint Carlisle. No more than I already have done.

But as I stepped through my door, I felt like I had hit a brick wall.

My feet faltered as my senses came alive and told me someone else is here.

I was so focused on my task of getting to Italy that I didn't hear her.

Of course, I couldn't hear her, she is dead.

"Edward?" Her angelic voice spoke.

Oh how I've longed to hear her say my name again.

I take it I'm hallucinating now.

"Isabella, my love, don't worry, I will join you soon. I told you I would find a way to join you in the afterlife if you were to ever leave this earth. This is nice though, I'm probably hallucinating from the thirst, or maybe I'm just going mad now...it doesn't matter. You know, I never thought I would go to heaven, not having a soul and all that, but if you're here, and I'm here, then we must be in heaven." I knew I was rambling, and it's the most I have said in a while, even if I am talking to myself but it was even nicer hearing her and seeing her again.

Maybe Carlisle was wrong, maybe starving yourself can kill you.

But why does she still smell just as good, if not better?

Why is my mouth flooding with venom?

"Edward, I'm here…Edward, you're not dead. Alice, she came and told me what Rosalie did. It's not true Edward. Yes, I did jump off the cliff but I survived it. Jacob saved me in time but because he's a werewolf, Alice wasn't able to see him, that's why my future disappeared after I jumped. You're not hallucinating…I'm right here. Edward…look at me."

My world stopped for the second time in what felt like minutes.

She's…here?

Rosalie lied?

But why would Rosalie lie?

A heard a growl, it was unfamiliar until I realised it was coming from me. I also found myself crouching as I stared at my reason for living, watching her make tentative steps towards me.

I allowed myself to inhaled her scent further.

My whole being burned as my lungs filled up with her aroma.

She's really here.

I wasn't dreaming.

Isabella.

"Yes Edward, it's me. Alice saw you going to the Volturi. I can't let you do that, not when I just got you back. You don't have to do that anymore, I can't lose you all over again," a choking sob escaped her lips and I felt myself straightening out of my crouch as she stood mere inches away from me. The pained expression on her porcelain face tore my dead heart into pieces.

Her chest rose and fell with every breath as her gaze was locked onto me.

I felt dazzled by her presence, something she used to claim I always did to her.

I was still too scared to reach out and touch her, in fear that my mind was playing one last cruel trick on me.

I watched as her hand reached up towards my face. Before she could touch me, I sprang into action. I closed the space between us in a flash and pressed my lips against hers. I kissed her the way I've always wanted to. There was no holding back, not anymore. She moaned against my lips as she gripped my hair in her tiny fists. Her heartbeat was loud as it beat against me and penetrated the silence of the house but I marveled in it.

I could pick out her heartbeat in a sea full of people. It sang to me. It was the best sound in my world.

She really was here.

The monster within finally caught up too.

She's here.

The one and only human whose blood sings to me.

There is no one else here. No one else would know. I could just sink my teeth into her and make her mine completely.

I pulled away so she could catch her unknown last breath, and moved my lips to the crook of her neck. I was intoxicated by her scent as I held her even closer.

"Edward," she moaned in my ear and turned her head that little bit further away from me, exposing more of her neck.

She had to know what she was doing, she must have seen the blackness of my eyes. She wants this.

Just one bite, that's all it would take.

I kept telling myself I would stop if she'd ask me to. But this is my Bella, she wanted this. She wanted this back when I took her to prom.

"Isabella," I whispered her name against her skin and felt her pulse under my lips.

One bite and she would become like me.

One bite and we will be together forever.

I let go.

I let my controlled instincts loose and allowed myself to take what I always wanted.

Finally, my razor-sharp teeth pierced through her skin like butter.

Her hot blood coated my tongue and I almost choked at how quickly it gushed out of her. I'd be a fool to waste a single drop of this sweet nectar.

I feasted on her like a starved man.

"Edward?" She sounded alarmed this time.

Don't worry my sweet, it will all be over soon. The monster inside me cooed at her.

Her blood brought me back to life.

I've never felt euphoria like this before.

She was an aphrodisiac.

The richest of wines.

For the first time in a very long time, my thirst was finally quenched.

I felt the strength her blood gave me rush through my body, my skin felt like it was a live wire.

I feel powerful.

Suddenly, my senses kicked into overdrive and I growled as I felt another vampire enter my home.

NO! She's mine!

"Edward, what have you done?!" Alice screeched.

I felt my love's body go limp in my arms, there was only the faintest of sounds from her beating heart.

I pulled away from her neck, my lips still coated in her blood.

You drank too much you fool! The monster yelled.

"Bella?" My voice didn't sound like my own as I gently shook her, trying to wake her.

"It's too late."

"No-no-no-no. Her heart, it's still beating! I can hear it!" I went as far as pressing my ear against her sternum, trying to locate the melody of her heart.

I can hear it.

"What have you done?" She repeated again and I tried to block her out.

I can hear it.

She's not dead. She's not dead. She's not dead.

"Edward…"

"SHE'S NOT DEAD!" I roared and watched Alice flinch ever so slightly.

'Edward'

"Come back to me, Bella. Come back," my sob reverberated through the empty house.

'My Edward.'

My name sounded like a prayer and it took me a while to figure out who was saying it.

I could always easily distinguish the sound of thoughts from the spoken word. I have never heard these melodic thoughts before though.

'It's ok, I love you, it's ok.'

"My Bella."

What do you think?

In regards to Lola, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to those that left me a little review, followed the story, or followed me! It means a lot that you guys are interested! I am experiencing writer's block left, right, and centre with it but I will be posting it in the new year.

I hope you all have a safe and prosperous New Year!

Lots of Love,

xoxo