Irreplaceable
Some people can never be replaced
Elizabeth sat at the kitchen table, yet another cup of coffee hadn't long been poured as she continued to obsess over the documents on her laptop. She squinted her eyes as a headache emerged; in actual fact the headache had been the same one she had been experiencing for days now, but one she kept suppressing in order to complete the task at hand.
Elizabeth eyes scanned back and forth as she read and read and read everything, she had turned over every aspect of every document with a fine tooth comb and still found nothing. She let out a short sharp puff of breath as she slipped her glasses off, gently rubbing her eyes, willing the pain in her head to disappear.
'You should take something for that' Henry mentioned as he walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Elizabeth didn't even look up at him, she simply nodded silently, a simple acknowledgment of his presence but nothing more. Henry shook his head and ran his hand to the back of his head, scratching it as he thought about how best to approach this with her. He stood at the sink pouring himself a fresh glass of cold water; his eyes lingering over her, watching as she leant forward her eyes scanning the screen once again, her eyes scrunching up her face, her shoulders held high as she carried the weight of her frustrations upon them.
'Why don't you put that away for the night?' He asked softly. The attentive approach was the way forward, or so he thought until Elizabeths disapproving grunt fell from her lips. Henry shut off the taps and snapped his body around to face her. 'Elizabeth' his tone was firm, one that she had become accustomed to over the last few weeks. The lack of acknowledgement came again as she continued to read on. Henry shook his head again, this time a surge of anger pulsated through him and he walk over to her, with one swift motion his hand rose above her laptop and pushed it down. Snap. The lid collided with the base as Elizabeth stood with an intense anger.
'What?' He pressed her, his approach changing, this time he decided to push her, push her right to her limit and then catch her when she caved and fell over the edge. There was no other way to get her talking. Her eyes harshly lingered over his gaze, the fury burning within them both. Elizabeth stepped to the side and Henry mirrored her movements.
'Henry' she breathed, it was more of a question, a pleading phrase as she glanced down at the floor, attempting to step away once again, her path remaining blocked. 'Please get out of my way' her words forced out between gritted teeth but this time it was Henry who met her with silence. Elizabeth placed a hand on his arm to guide him out the way but it was no use, he remained rooted to the spot, watching as her frustrations grew.
'Henry!' She looked up at him, her body tensed as her eyes narrowed on him, the anger in her tone wrapped around them as she spat his name.
'You need to stop Elizabeth, you need to get some sleep' once again a firm tone hit her as he spoke. She ran her hand up to her head rubbing it again, the intensity of her headache increasing. 'You need sleep babe' he offered a softer tone this time, an attempt to guide her, for her own sake. She shook her head, her walls slowly crumbling.
'I can't, I don't have the time Henry, I need to get this finished. Russell is going to have another heart-attack if I don't get this finished. I will sleep when this is done. Im sure I read somewhere that you can go ages without sleep' and just like that she had been completely dismissive of his words of advice, she stepped around him and made her way to the cupboards looking for some pain relief.
'Maybe a day or two but Elizabeth were talking weeks here, you haven't slept since-'
'Since Iran I know Henry! Three weeks I've gone with very little sleep, yes Henry you're right I need to stop and sleep but I can't. Happy now?' She cursed as she slammed the cupboard door shut. She leant on the island and rubbed her temples, the pain forcing her to pause. Her breathing began to increase, the rising and the fall of her chest becoming a little too frequent as she tried her best to compose herself. She dropped her hand back to the island, both arms outstretched, gripping onto the worktop as she dipped her head between them, an attempt to darken the room and control her breathing.
Henry watched, his heart aching as he watched his wife torture herself, he'd been watching her do it for the last three weeks. As he noticed her breathing change and her body stiffen he moved closer to her, placing a loving hand on her back and rubbing it softly.
'Deep breaths' he whispered as he soothed her through the panic. She gripped harder and squeezed her eyes tightly shut as images of the attack in Iran invaded her mind. Shaggy breaths fell from her mouth as she tried her hardest to prevent a full anxiety attack. Henrys loving hand provided her with a warmth that helped internally balance her emotions. She began to slowly rock her body back and forth as she continued to push past the trauma and attempt to calm herself. Henry had seen enough, he placed his water on the counter and took his hands to grip at her arms. He pulled her up and into his arms.
Elizabeth didn't fight it, she hardly had time to comprehend what was happening but once she did she didn't dare move. She grabbed onto the back of his t-shirt as she buried her head into his neck.
'Shhh' he soothed, strongly holding her fragile frame as he swayed them both from left to right. After a few steady moments in his embrace Elizabeths began to calm. Henry noticed that her heart was slowing and no longer pounding against his chest so he slowly peeled her back and brushed the wet strands of hair from her face. She instantly looked down, was it sadness or embarrassment or both? In that moment she didn't know, but she knew Henry would see through her.
'Talk to me' he whispered, his hands softly rubbing her upper arms. He had expected a battle, like he had been faced with every time he'd tried to approach this subject with her again. He thought after their night of playing video games she would open up more, but he was met with increasingly higher walls.
'He died because of me' she mumbled. 'They all died because of me'
'None of this was your fault' his hushed tone still too loud for the intensity of her pounding head. She shook her head and braved a glance up to him. Her exhaustion evident as her bottom lip quivered before him.
'He should never have been there, he only went because of me' she trailed off.
'He went because he wanted to protect you, like he had done many of times before, and would have continued to do had he not…' a sad sigh left his mouth, he didn't need to finish that sentence, they both knew the harsh scars Iran had left.
'I need to get back to work' she rubbed her eyes once again, this time a little harder as stars formed before her as they adjusted to the light within the room. Henry held out his water and handed It to her.
'Drink this, and then we're going to bed'
'Im not - I don't want it - Russell is - ' she couldn't find the words to speak, Henrys hand and stare never moved, his command still in situ as she looked up to him, an exasperated sigh formed and left her lips. She reluctantly grabbed the water and took a sip.
'Thank you' he smiled. He walked over to her laptop and placed it high up on top of a cupboard, high from her reach. She inwardly groaned as she watched him, every aspect of her wanting to put up a fight with him but the energy evaded her.
'You're a brave man McCord.' Her eyes widened and she finished the glass of water.
'I can handle Russell Jackson, now bed Mrs McCord' he winked at her in an attempt to lighten the mood. 'Oh and take these' He reached for a packet of pain relief and she shook her head
'Did you hide them from me to?' She quizzed as they were not in their usual spot.
'I figured you come and speak to me, or at least shout at me when you couldn't find them.' He admitted
'Sorry' she dipped her head ashamed of her attitude towards him just recently.
'I don't want you to be sorry, I just want you to stop pushing me away'
'I don't know how' the admission came as a surprise to both of them, her words gently and fragile as they lingered in the room. Henry stepped closer and held out his hand
'You can start by coming to bed and getting some rest'
'But what if I have a nigh-'
'I'll be right there to guide you back' he reassured her. She poured herself a fresh glass of water and swallowed the pain relief. She looked over at him, his hand still reached out for her to take. Elizabeth pressed her lips together and nodded, as she stepped forward taking him hand allowing him to lead her to bed and get some much needed rest, she could deal with her work issue in the morning she told herself.
The morning had come much sooner than anticipated, she led awake from four in the morning and eventually gave in to the harsh reality that sleep was going to continue to evade her for a lot longer than she liked. Knowing she had work to be getting on with she rolled to kiss Henry softly, being sure not to wake him, and she climbed out of bed, getting dressed and heading into state.
Elizabeth sat at her desk, the documents that were on her laptop were also printed and scattered across her desk. Once again she sat continuously reading, glasses perched on her nose, fresh coffee in hand and an ever intruding headache lingered. She threw her papers down in frustration as she couldn't make sense of any of it, if she was honest with herself she couldn't make sense of much since Iran, her ability to concentrate had definitely been affected and she felt too ashamed to admit it, she felt responsible for the deaths of everyone that night, nothing anyone said was helping. In her opinion people died because she decided to go to Iran.
She stood from her desk and walked around her office a little, the crippling effects of anxiety taking a hold once again. Her heart rate rising as an internal vice gripped around her chest, stopping her from taking deep breaths. She walked a little quicker and tried to focus on various view points of the room in an attempt to distract herself, but as her hand gripped her chest almost like she was trying to rip it open, and tears pricked at her eyes she knew it was having very little effect. Flushed. She felt incredibly hot all of a sudden and needed air, her legs carried her to her office door and she flung it open, leaving the wave of cool air to enter as she turned and paced back towards her desk, reaching the window and turning again, walking back towards her office door.
She stopped. She looked out of her office door and glanced across to the big open room before her, a room that in a short few hours would be cramped with lots of her staff all working ridiculously hard and serving at the pleasure. Her gaze averted to his desk. The panic lodged in her throat as her heart sank to tremendous depths. The events of Iran flashing right before her once again…
'Abdul stay down' she choked, her hand reaching out as her body ached from the blow. She bit down harshly on her lip as she desperately tried to reach out for him, unable to move as Ds agent Fred Cole lay on top of her lifeless. The continuous gunfire and explosions rattled through her ears as the dust from the debris clogged her throat.
'Madam Secretary?' She heard it, instantly knowing it was the wrong move she screamed out, begging him to stay back, pleading him to run in the opposite direction but it was no use, loyalty to her, to protecting her and not leaving her but him in the greatest danger of them all. She watched as he emerged in the door way, fear freezing his body for a moment as his eyes drank in the frightful sights.
'Blake stay back, Stay back' she screamed, a howling command that came a moment too late. He stepped into the room to reach for Abdul and she watched as his body took a hit, throwing him to the floor. She frantically pushed and pushed at Fred, balling her fists and almost punching at his chest to push him off her. She screamed his name repeatedly and watched as he lay lifeless before her.
Silent tears rolled down her face as she continued to stare at his desk. Iran had changed her in more ways than one, and had cost her the lives of so many dear people. She closed her eyes and bit at the side of her mouth trying to suppress her emotions; she didn't feel as thought she was allow to grief the loss of Blake, after all in her mind she was responsible. If she has just pushed harder and said no when he offered to 'keep her company'. She knew in the instant he suggest it that it wasn't coming from him, he wasn't the sort to walk into danger, he was too level headed for that, she knew it was more of a collective agreement between the staff that she shouldn't go alone. What she had learnt since was that several staff had offered to go but Blake insisted it was him, that he would be the best staff member to personally support her, something she could never disagree with.
She slowly walked back to her desk, the heavy burden dragging her down and exhausting her. She dipped her head as she sat at her desk, her shoulders shaking as her emotions surfaced. With a gentle shake of the head and a clearing of the throat she pushed them down, once again denying herself the opportunity to grieve. Elizabeths hands gathered the documents before her and she tried to distract herself by getting lost in them. It all seemed pointless, she was never going to be able to give Russell Jackson anything anytime soon, she knew that. A frustrated and sadden sigh left her body as she threw the paperwork into the bin. She knew it was an impossible task at hand, none of those resumes would ever match the standards of Blakes no matter how many times she read over them.
He was irreplaceable.