A/N: My apologies for the long delay. I will try to keep up better. ;-)

Chapter 5: How Quickly It All Falls Apart

In the strategy room at Barad-dûr

"Just thinking out loud, here, my lord…" began the Mouth of Sauron.

"About what?" snapped the rest of Sauron, feeling unduly disturbed in his struggle with the daily Sudoku in the Mordor Herald.

"Perhaps…since we are still not entirely sure of what their plans really are…perhaps just a tiny little guard on Orodruin? In case they try to get to the Cracks of Doom and destroy the Ring? It needn't be a large guard; I have taken the liberty of drawing up a rota of –"

"Oh, you and your endless doomsday scenarios! It's very unpatriotic of you to talk down our country like this. You seem to forget that we have our new secret weapon, the fell beasts! Even if they should be idiotic enough to attempt Mount Doom, the fell beasts would swiftly snap them up."

"Well, you seem to forget that those fell beast would still be ridden by the same numpties," muttered the Mouth of Sauron under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing. You have two nines in the second row."

"Blast it!"

oOoOoOo

Meanwhile in a nearly-magic boat on the Great River

"What are you thinking about Aragorn?" asked Frodo.

"Oh, this and that. Um, I mean, portends of doom weigh heavily on my mind."

"For example?"

"Well, first of all, there is this little issue about the creature Gollum tracking us. I have known this for a long time but didn't bother telling anyone. Didn't want to spoil…um…your enjoyment of the nice scenery. And I have made a couple of half-hearted attempts at catching him, but he eluded me, so I'm going to call it a day and just let him tag along. You'll get used to it. What else? Oh, yes, I've got another couple of nice little bottlenecks lined up for us. First the Sarn Gebir portage way and then the Argonath. Both would be excellent places for the enemy to attack. Though on the whole I think they won't."

"Why?"

"My heart tells me this."

"Your heart gets quite chatty at times, doesn't it?" mumbled Frodo. Aragorn ignored him and continued, furiously rowing: "So I am really wondering what unfortunate decision I could take next. Oh, I know, I'll let you wander off by yourself at Amon Hen. That'll give any passing orcs a sporting chance to capture you."

"Why?"

"We've got to play fair, Frodo! Also, you know: plot."

"I despair," said Frodo with a sigh.

"No! You must never despair. You, most of all, must keep up hope. Hope is the most important treasure of all. Did I ever tell you that my childhood name–"

"Yes."

"– was Estel–"

"I know."

"–which means–"

"Hope."

"–Hope, and before she died–"

"…your mother said, I know."

"–my mother said–"

"You've told me this before."

"I gave Hope to the Dúnedain, I kept none to myself."

"Thank you, Aragorn, a very uplifting story." Frodo turned to Sam. "Do you have any aspirin?"

oOoOoOo

Once again in the strategy room at Barad-dûr

"Apparently it was shot down by a single arrow."

"Fell right out of the sky, did it? That's not what I had in mind when I named them 'fell' beasts."

"There were bound to be teething problems, my lord."

"Oh, well, no matter. I take it the orcs got they hands on those wretched halflings?"

"The messenger couldn't say."

"Why is this blasted palantir taking so long to load?"

"I'll get the technician to look at it later, my lord. But see, it's loaded now. It would appear that…our orcs…there seems to be a little disagreement with the Isengard contingent…well, that'll soon be sorted…mind you…looks like Saruman's orcs have the upper hand…wait, what are they doing?"

"They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!" Sauron slammed his coffee cup on the table, spilling coffee everywhere. "Damnation, Saruman will get his dirty mitts on the Ring."

"I'll get some kitchen roll," offered the Mouth of Sauron. "Perhaps this would be a good time to use the winged nazgûl. They could catch up with those uruks in no time. The Ring could be here tonight."

"No, not the winged nazgûl. They mustn't cross the river yet."

"Why not?"

"What's life without whimsy?"

oOoOoOo

Meanwhile beside the pitiful body of Boromir

"Shouldn't we go after the young hobbits immediately?"

"My dear Gimli, I am disappointed in you," said Aragorn with stern mien, while Legolas frowned photogenically to show his support. "We must not ever neglect proper decorum. It's what sets us apart from the Enemy."

"I thought our noble hearts and kindly intent set us apart?"

Legolas kicked Gimli's ankle and mimed for him to be quiet. Aragorn, momentarily confused, replied, "Well, yes, that too, but still, proper decorum. We can't leave Boromir's body here to rot."

"Even if it means the death of the halflings?"

"Oh, it won't be as bad as that. A little adventure won't do them much harm."

Hours later, after the body of Boromir had been subjected to much grooming and some tastefully applied make-up, Gimli looked down on the funeral boat and desperately suppressed an urge to stroke his beard in a clichéd gesture of musing.

"I don't know," he said. "Is this a good idea? As far as I can see, the moment the boat goes over the edge of the waterfall, poor Boromir's body will tumble out of the boat and float down the river like any other drowned body, and where's the decorum then?"

"Sh, Gimli," whispered Legolas. "You must think of the cinematic potential here. The slow glide to the edge, the increasing roar of the water, then the sudden plunge: it'll look awesome."

"But shouldn't we at least strap him in?"

"There's no time for that," snapped Aragorn. "We must make haste and follow the trail of the uruks."

oOoOoOo

Somewhere near the borders of Rohan

"Do you know what would be a really great invention?" said Pippin while every bone in his body was shaken by the rough jog of the uruk that carried him. "Some small device that would send out a signal which the others could receive. If we carried such a device, they could track us easily."

Merry, too nearly unconscious to give a coherent reply, merely muttered something about it being beyond the crafts of even the wisest of elves."

"If I am not mistaken," huffed Pippin, "that is exactly what that stupid Ring does. And now we have to rely on Aragorn's tracking skills. Valar help us."

oOoOoOo

Still in the strategy room at Barad-dûr

The Mouth of Sauron was struggling to peer over Sauron's shoulder to see the image on the palantir.

"My lord, it's not good for your eye to sit so close to the stone. May I…?"

He tried to insinuate himself into a better position but Sauron shoved him aside without ceremony. After a short and highly indecorous tussle the Mouth of Sauron stepped back and decided to try a different tack.

"What do you observe, my lord? Do they carry the Ring?"

"How should I know? They could have it in their pocketses, I mean, pockets, or under their shirts."

The Mouth of Sauron considered this. "But my lord. Can you not see through their clothing?"

"No."

"No? What happened to his gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh…?"

Sauron glanced up from the palantir, looking slightly embarrassed. "Well, you know how it is. X-ray vision is extortionately expensive. I had to economise."

"You had to economise? But you're the Dark Lord!"

"Dark, but, alas, not economically powerful. In fact, the rebuilding of Barad-dûr has left me with a pile of debt."

"You owe money?"

"Rather a lot, I'm afraid."

"To whom?"

"Oh, Saruman, the Seraph of Kûz, some enterprising dwarves in Blue Mountains… In fact, last month I had to mortgage the Black Gate so I could pay the staff."

"My lord, I am shocked!"

"How does this surprise you? Surely you can see that our service industry is hopelessly outdated, manufacture is in decline and we have no major exports apart from nameless terror. You didn't think that those measly tributes from Rhun and Harad are enough to keep our economy afloat?"

"I confess I've never given much thought to it."

Sauron scuffed. "Yeah, of course you haven't. I'm surrounded by amateurs. Here, make yourself useful, pass me my monocle."

oOoOoOo

Later that day in the top chamber of Orthanc

Saruman was silently weeping into his pillow about the loss of his beautiful uruks. His personal orc valet picked up the palantir from where the wizard has tossed it on the sofa.

"I wish there was some nice thriller on," he said.

oOoOoOo

Some other time, somewhere completely different

"Let's put it this way," Frodo whispered into Sam's ear. "He's got these two advantages over Gandalf as a tour guide: He knows the way to Mordor because he's been there before and he's actually eager to get there quickly."

"But he has this terribly annoying way of talking to himself," objected Sam.

"You mean unlike Gandalf?"

"Okay, point taken."

oOoOoOo

A couple of days later in Rohan.

Gandalf extended a long, white finger to point straight ahead. "There lies the city of Edoras, capital of the Rohirrim. As you will remember, I categorically refused to set foot into Rohan when Boromir suggested it, because I wasn't sure whether the Rohirrim could still be trusted."

"But you have since had word that they remain faithful?" asked Legolas with a hopeful glint in his eye.

"Oh, no, I'm still totally clueless about where they stand."

"So why…?"

"It's about time we stepped up the drama a little. All this going about on foot is getting lame, excuse the pun. We will soon enter battle, and how would that look, if it was just the four of us walking? No, no, we need to ride in with a great host."

"Well, if you're sure…"

"I'm not sure, but the only place we can find out more is Edoras."

"Let's make haste to reach it then!" said Gimli.

"Not yet," said Gandalf. "Remember, my dear Gimli: no matter how urgent our errand or how desperate our plight, there's always time for a history lecture, some comments on comparative linguistics and a poetry recital. Aragorn, you're up!"