Chapter 54: Life Goes On
Though I felt queasy, I forced myself to eat a piece of toast, so that I had at least a bit of food in me. While I ate, I stared out across the Hall, my eyes fixed on a solitary brick in the wall. I gulped down my toast mechanically and when I finished, I got up and left the solitude of the table, wondering where I should go. I could return to Gryffindor Tower, but that would probably only make me feel worse. If Harry and Ron were there, they would likely leave as soon as I arrived, and if they weren't there, it would mean they were hiding from me.
I suddenly realized that my legs had carried me all the way across the school to the library, instinctually searching for the one place I could feel safe and at home. I settled into my favorite chair and pulled a random book off a shelf, immersing myself in Bursnard's Theory of Relative Living Transfiguration Techniques.
When I was finally totally and completely focused on the book, I heard a cough from nearby, and I jumped in my chair, dropping my book on the floor and banging my knee on the table. I swung my head around to find Madam Pince approaching and I froze, suddenly remembering why I had been avoiding the library before.
Madam Pince marched towards me, her face set and her eyes very angry. A memory of breaking into the restricted section to find the no-sleep spell flashed across my mind. It felt like a block of lead had sunk to the bottom of my stomach and I couldn't move, couldn't think. All I knew was that I was about to be in more trouble than I had ever been in before, and I would probably be expelled, and oh! Professor McGonagall would be so upset with me for this, why did I ever go into the restricted section in the first place?
Madam Pince stopped in front of me and cleared her throat pointedly, staring me down, and still I couldn't move. I felt my eyes widening in fear and I stopped breathing when she opened her mouth.
"Ms. Granger that is a library book!" she cried, pointing at the book I had dropped. "What do you think you're doing, letting it lie open on the floor? It could get dirty and wrinkled, or worse, a page could get folded over or ripped!"
I stared at Madam Pince in disbelief. She was upset about the book on the ground? She wasn't saying anything about the restricted section, so I assumed she hadn't caught me after all. It was a miracle! I couldn't believe my luck.
"Ms. Granger?" Madam Pince yelled at me. I realized that I still hadn't moved, and I hadn't taken a breath for almost forty seconds. I took in a gulp of air and scrambled off my chair to pick up the offending book.
"I'm so sorry Madam Pince. I promise it'll never happen again!" I assured her. She nodded curtly and turned on her heel, continuing her rounds of the library.
As I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down, I wondered if I should leave and go somewhere else, but I decided that if she hadn't caught me yet, Madam Pince was probably never going to find out what I had done. It was therefore much safer in the library than it would be to leave and risk running into certain people that I would rather not see. Or rather who would rather not see me.
I settled back into my chair with my book and spent the rest of the day reading. I skipped lunch and by dinner, my stomach was roaring. All I had eaten all day was a piece of toast. I returned the book to its shelf and headed to the Great Hall, filled with trepidation. I hoped that Harry and Ron would already be gone. After all, it was quite late. However, when I arrived, I peeked in and saw that they were sitting together at the end of the table enjoying their dinner.
I paused, still hidden behind the door, and wondered how I should proceed. Should I go and sit with them, knowing they would just ignore me, or should I sit away from them, thereby isolating myself and indicating that I was now actively avoiding them?
I finally decided that I wasn't going to be the one to make a point of avoiding them. If they wanted to ignore me, that was fine, but I wouldn't exacerbate the problem by sinking to their level. I held my head up and walked into the Hall, only to be blocked suddenly by Professor McGonagall.
"Good evening Professor," I said, a little flustered.
"Good evening Ms. Granger," Professor McGonagall replied. "I wondered if you would like to come with me to my office. I wanted to talk to you about a few things. I could have some food brought in if you haven't eaten yet," she said.
I quickly agreed, partially relieved that I didn't have to worry about the awkwardness at the Gryffindor table, but also worried about why Professor McGonagall wanted to talk to me in her office. I followed Professor McGonagall through the castle to the transfiguration wing and sat down in front of her desk, on which there was a platter of sandwiches, a large jug of pumpkin juice, and a plate of desserts.
"Forgive me," Professor McGonagall said as she loaded a plate with food for herself, "I haven't eaten yet either. Please, help yourself."
I tentatively took a couple of sandwiches and started nibbling at them, still wondering what I was doing in my teacher's office.
"How's your Christmas break going, Hermione?" Professor McGonagall asked then. I did a double-take as I tried to understand what was happening. Professor McGonagall invited me to her office to eat dinner and talk about my break? And since when did she call me Hermione and not Ms. Granger?
"Um... pretty good," I replied cautiously, still uncertain about what I was doing here.
"Are you enjoying having free reign of the castle?" Professor McGonagall inquired.
"I suppose..." I replied hesitantly. "I spend most of my time in the library, of course, but it's nice to have it completely to myself."
"Ah yes, Madam Pince mentioned that you spend a lot of time in the library," Professor McGonagall said. My stomach twisted. What if this was the intervention about my foray into the restricted section? Surely that was it, why else would Professor McGonagall summon me to her office? "She also mentioned that you spend a great deal of time in the transfiguration section," Professor McGonagall continued.
"Yes, I do," I replied, confused. "It's very comfortable there."
"Have you read anything interesting recently?" Professor McGonagall asked.
Though the intent of Professor McGonagall's questions puzzled me, I decided she wasn't trying to get me to confess to anything. If she knew I had been in the restricted section, she would tell me outright. My Head of House wasn't one to beat around the bush.
"Yes, actually, today I was reading about Bursnard's theory of relative living transfiguration techniques," I replied. I began to share my opinions on the theory, and before I knew it, an hour had passed and I had spent it discussing Bursnard with my transfiguration professor in her office.
Finally, Professor McGonagall announced that it was getting late and I should return to my dormitory. I said goodnight and stood to leave, but paused as I neared the door.
"Professor, why did you invite me to eat in your office tonight?" I asked, still confused as to what had happened here.
Professor McGonagall hesitated. "After the incident with the Firebolt yesterday and from what I observed this morning, I thought perhaps you would appreciate some company and conversation over dinner," she replied.
"Oh," I said, dumbfounded. I never would have expected that as a response. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I couldn't believe that there actually was someone who cared about me enough to go to all this trouble. "Thank you."
"You did the right thing in coming to me," Professor McGonagall said. "It's a shame that you're being punished for it."
I felt a rush of strange emotions when she said that. I felt pride knowing that Professor McGonagall approved of my actions. It felt good to have some of her trust back, especially after everything with the time turner. But it was also embarrassing to have my professor worried about my personal life.
I made sure to wake up early the next morning, when I knew Harry and Ron would still be asleep. I gathered my books in my bag and went down to breakfast. I ate quickly and then retired to the library, spreading out my books to do my homework. I ate a big enough breakfast that I didn't need lunch, and I made sure to wait until after seven to go to dinner, knowing that Harry and Ron would be gone by then.
After dinner, I returned to the library until curfew, and thanked whatever higher power had managed to keep my former friends out of the common room that evening. I chose to ignore that their absence was probably due to the fact that they were still avoiding me, and instead focused my thoughts on other topics, such as my homework.
I continued this pattern for the rest of the break. When I had gotten through all my homework, I launched myself back into research for Hagrid's case, needing something to fill my days until I was assigned more work. I barely saw Harry or Ron throughout the remainder of the break and though this made me sad, it was also better than running into them everywhere.
When the term resumed and everyone returned to the castle, it became even easier to avoid Harry and Ron. The common room bustled with activity, the Great Hall was filled with excited chatter, and even the library was transformed from the haven of silence I had created into a social gathering place for those who wanted to appear to be studying. I sat with Neville at meals and ignored Harry and Ron when, far down the table, they pointedly sat with Ginny and her friends. I knew Ron disliked sitting with his younger sister. He must mean to snub and hurt me by doing so, I could see no other explanation.
Unfortunately, classes were a different story entirely. Our classes were not particularly large, and I sat with Harry and Ron in some of them. I did my best to deal with the fact that they wouldn't speak to me at all, and treated them as politely as I could despite the fact that with every passing minute, my insides were crumbling within me.
Loads of homework was piled on me from the first day back. It was a welcome distraction and I frantically immersed myself in it. Unfortunately, some people began to notice that something was wrong between Harry, Ron, and I. On our first Wednesday back, I was working on a translation for ancient runes when Neville came over to talk to me.
"Hey Hermione," he said tentatively as he sat down across the table from me.
"Hey Neville," I said, not looking up from my work as I rushed to finish it. Now that I didn't have to worry about doing Harry and Ron's work on top of mine, I was finding that I actually had just enough time in the day to get all my work done without using the time turner, but I needed every second I could get. After what Professor McGonagall had done for me over Christmas, I was determined not to use the no-sleep spell on myself because I knew she would be disappointed in me if I did.
"What's going on?" Neville asked.
"What do you mean?" I asked, as I dropped my quill and groaned in frustration at having to reach down to pick it up.
"With Harry and Ron," Neville replied. "You've barely spoken to them at all in the past few days."
"Nothing," I said evasively, starting back on my rune translation.
"There's got to be something wrong..." Neville pushed.
I snapped. "There's nothing wrong, Neville! Nothing! Go mind your own business," I cried, throwing my quill down and stuffing my books back into my bag. I stalked off to my dormitory and flung myself onto my bed, fighting the tears that were now quite familiar.
I didn't want to blow up at Neville, but I couldn't take my anger out on the people I was really upset with. I vowed to apologize to Neville the next day and decided that I had done enough work for the night. I got ready for sleep and crawled into bed, pulling my curtains closed around me.
After apologizing profusely to Neville the next morning, I determined not to blow up like that at anyone anymore. I was stronger than this and I had let my emotions get the better of me for much too long. When I descended to breakfast, I still felt a twinge in my heart when Harry and Ron passed me by without so much as a glance, but I reminded myself that they didn't matter anymore. The friendship we'd shared was over and I needed to focus on the future, not the past.
After classes were over on Friday, I headed to Professor McGonagall's office as usual for my weekly meeting to verify that I was using the time turner responsibly. I was confident that the meeting would go well, since I hadn't used my time turner except to repeat classes.
"I must admit, Ms. Granger," Professor McGonagall said after examining the time turner, "I am quite impressed with how well you are doing. Under the circumstances, I thought..."
"Thought what?" I asked defiantly. "What circumstances?"
"Nothing at all, Ms. Granger, you are doing splendidly, as I knew you would be," Professor McGonagall replied.
I knew Professor McGonagall meant that she thought I would be doing worse now that I was having problems with Harry and Ron, but I decided to take strength from the fact that clearly even those ungrateful idiots couldn't stop me from doing my best.
I spent the rest of the weekend on my own, as usual. I did all my homework, and even found time to do a bit more research for Hagrid's case. On Monday, I woke ready to face the world. I ate with Neville and ignored the voices I could hear a short distance down the table. Our first class was care of magical creatures.
When we had finished eating, Neville and I stood to leave and found that Harry and Ron were standing just inside the doorway to leave the Entrance Hall, obviously waiting for someone, probably Seamus and Dean. With determination, I held my head up and brushed past Harry and Ron. I realized that for the first time since Christmas, I could look at the pair and not feel like bursting into tears. I knew I would be fine on my own, better even. My work had actually improved and I had time for sleep.
Life was going on just as it always had, and I was thriving.