A/N: TRIGGER WARNING! This chapter contains pretty explicit details of a SEXUAL ASSAULT (RAPE). If you don't want to read it, I'll put a general summary at the bottom which explains why it happened, not what.

"My sister got herself in some trouble," Amanda said, staring straight ahead as if the blank wall opposite held her rapt attention. Olivia, meanwhile, was turned towards the blonde, watching and listening both in the role of friend and as a senior SVU detective. "She was arrested on possession charges and told the officer she was my sister. I'd told her to do that; if she ever found herself in trouble, I had told her to give them my name. That's normal, right?"

"Right," Olivia nodded, remembering how Elliot had drummed it into his children that in the event that they were arrested, they were to say nothing and just tell whomever would listen that he was their father. Maureen had done exactly that on more than one occasion.

"Yeah, well, anyway, Kim told them who I was and I got a call saying my sister was sat in a holding cell. Obviously, I went straight there to try and sort it out. I tried to apologise for Kim's actions and promised I'd keep an eye on her. I mean, she didn't even have that much on her. A couple of eightballs. It wasn't like she was dealing or anything, although I'm sure her dickhead boyfriend was. But the station captain was a real stickler and refused to drop the charges. So I did the only thing I could think of and called my own captain to see if he could help. I guess that was my first mistake."

Amanda stopped talking, eyes now dropping to her lap where her fingers were picking at a loose thread at the hem of her pyjama shorts. Olivia tried not to look at the pale skin which glowed almost luminescent in the dim light of the bedside lamp and returned her gaze to the blonde's face, waiting patiently for the story to continue.

"Until then, I'd gotten on well with my captain. I mean, he was sexist, sure. But I didn't really expect anything else from the Atlanta PD. I know I should have. I know we're supposed to hold people in power to account but I was just used to how it had always been and I walked into the station on my first day knowing I'd be a minority as a woman. I kept my sexuality on the downlow too; I didn't need homophobia on top of sexism. Although, as I'm sure you know, men seem to be more accepting of lesbians than gay men. They fetishize us. Anyway, yeah, I never had any particular problem with Captain Patton beyond the usual casual sexism which is why I called him that day.

"I told him what had happened and asked him if he'd be able to speak to this other captain. He said he would but that I'd owe him. I didn't even think. I just said yes. And then ten minutes later Kim was free to go. I was so happy, I never even stopped to think what Patton might want in return for getting the charges dropped. We left, headed home and I laid into Kim about the drugs. It wasn't until later that night that I got a call."

The words tailed off. Olivia waited patiently but when nothing more was said, she gently prompted; "from Patton?"

"Yeah, he asked me to come meet him. Gave me an address then hung up. I recognised it. It was a motel known to police because it was a popular spot for working girls. You know, hourly rates, no security cameras so the Johns were happy. I think I knew then what he wanted but I didn't call him back and say no. I just … got in my car and drove there. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I owed him, right? I mean, he'd done me a favour and that meant I had to do him a favour. And yes, I know I shouldn't have thought like that as an SVU cop but I did and I have no excuse for that."

"You don't need to excuse how you acted, Amanda," Olivia said, recognising the signs of a victim who blamed herself for the assault she had suffered. "You did nothing wrong."

"Well, I was a cop who manipulated the system and called on a connection to get my sister out of an entirely justified cocaine charge. That's wrong, right? I mean, I did it for the right reasons, at least in my mind, but what I did was wrong."

"Perhaps but I get the feeling what Patton did to you was worse."

"Maybe. Maybe I deserved it," Amanda shrugged. "I mean, I agreed to owe him a favour. How stupid was I to think it wouldn't be sexual?"

"Amanda, you weren't stupid," Olivia protested.

"Weak, then. Whatever you want to call it, I got in my car and drove to meet my boss in a dark parking lot of a crummy motel, knowing full well what was expected of me. By the time I arrived, he'd already paid for the room and was waiting for me outside. And, you know, he gave me the chance to back out. He basically told me what he wanted. Well, he said he wanted us to spend a couple of hours together, away from the station. Then he asked if that was ok. I mean, I suppose by that point the question was rhetorical but I … well, I said yes. I consented. At least, at first."

"At first? How many times did this happen?" Inside her veins, Olivia's blood began to boil.

"Oh no, it was just the one night. And at first, it was fine. I mean, it was awful; I'm gay, after all. The last time I'd been with a guy I was seventeen and it was the nail in the coffin which solidified my understanding of my sexuality. My stomach was doing backflips and not in a good way when Patton kissed me, but I just went with it, knowing that if I did this, my debt would be paid for Kim's release.

"But he got violent. I don't know if it was because I, well, my body didn't react as he wanted to him. Spoiler alert, a hairy middle-aged man touching a lesbian doesn't exactly get her juices flowing, literally."

Olivia felt her cheeks flush scarlet. It wasn't the first time she'd had conversations with sexual assault victims about whether they were aroused or not during the attack, but it was definitely the first time she'd had the conversation with someone for whom she realised she was developing feelings.

"He got mad when he couldn't penetrate me," Amanda continued. "I asked him to go slower but he ignored me. I was on my back and he grabbed both my wrists in one of his and spat on his dick. I knew what he was going to do and I said no. He ignored me and forced himself into me. When I cried out, he slapped me and told me to shut up. I turned my face away and tried not to look at him, tried to block out what was happening. It hurt so much because my body just wasn't willing. I'm no stranger to a strap-on but I'd never been with someone who'd tried to penetrate me before I was ready. And he didn't care. He kept going until at last my body just did what it's naturally programmed to do. I guess I should be grateful that the pain lessened but I was too traumatised by then to care. He just kept fucking me until he came then he collapsed on top of me and I thought I was going to be sick. I still can't bear the thought of the weight of anyone on top of me. I think I'd feel like it was him.

"Anyway, eventually he went to the bathroom to get rid of the condom and I made my escape. Just grabbed my clothes and ran. The next time I saw him, at work a couple of days later, he didn't even blink, just talked to me as he always had. It was like it never happened. That was when I started looking for other jobs and, well, I ended up here."

"Amanda, I'm so sorry," Olivia said softly when the blonde had finished.

"Yeah, well, thanks," the younger woman said, finally turning to face her superior.

Olivia was surprised to see a cold look in the woman's blue orbs. Detached, disconnected. As if the story she had just told was not hers but one which belonged to someone else. Except Olivia knew that wasn't what it was. Rather, Amanda Rollins was a sexual assault victim who had repeatedly denied and not addressed her trauma.

"So, if this happened before you started looking for a transfer, it was recent?"

Amanda nodded. "February," she admitted. "The 27th. I'll never forget the date."

"Did you get a rape kit done?"

The woman shook her head. "I couldn't. He was my superior officer. No one would have believed me. Plus he had got Kim out of a serious charge. I owed him."

"You didn't owe him sex. And you definitely didn't owe him to keep quiet about the fact that he raped you, Amanda."

"Well, I did. It's done now. I've moved on."

"Have you?"

Amanda furrowed her brow. "What does that mean?"

"I'm just saying," Olivia placated, mindful of the accusatory tone the blonde had shot at her, "maybe you should talk to someone about this."

But before she had even finished her suggestion, Amanda was shaking her head. "No, I don't want to. You're the only person who knows by the way, Liv. Please don't spread it about."

"Of course not. I would never do that. But, I mean, surely you told your sister? Or any girlfriends you've had?"

"Kim isn't exactly stable at the best of times. I couldn't put something like this on her. And I've not dated since that night. I mean, it's not a conscious choice. I've been busy. Moving, new job. All that stuff kinda got in the way. Getting laid wasn't a priority for me."

"You've been carrying this alone? Amanda, I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, you've said that."

Olivia opened her mouth but closed it again, not sure what to say. Beside her Amanda let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, I know you mean well. It's just hard to talk about, ok? And I'm super tired. Can we just end this conversation now?"

"Of course," Olivia said. "Thank you for trusting me with this Amanda. I am honoured you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me."

As she spoke, the brunette climbed off the bed and replaced the covers where her body had been. Frannie raised her head to watch the woman as she moved.

"Where are you going?" Amanda asked.

"Um, back to the couch," Olivia replied.

But Amanda shook her head. "Don't be silly. You obviously can't sleep on it. Get back in. You can share with me. Frannie, off."

Obediently, the dog got up and leapt onto the floor, crossing over to a bed in the corner and curling up. Olivia hesitated before sliding back in. "Thanks," she said, already feeling her body relax into the soft mattress.

"You're welcome. And if I wake you up with a stupid nightmare again, just kick me."

"I'm not going to kick you and your nightmares aren't stupid," Olivia scoffed. "But I will wake you, I promise."

The blonde's expression softened. "Ok, thanks. Um, goodnight."

"Goodnight," Olivia replied as Amanda reached for the bedside table and plunged the duo into darkness.

A/N: for those who didn't want to read details, this is Amanda's story: her sister was arrested on drug possession charges back in February and Amanda asked her captain, Patton, to have the charges dropped. As payment for this, Patton asks Amanda to meet him at a hotel. At first Amanda consents to sex but when Patton turns aggressive, Amanda says no. Patton doesn't listen. After he's finished, Amanda runs out and begins to look for work in other states, eventually leaving for NYC.