Master Wu has said in the past that we can trace almost everything back to its roots. For me, those roots would be Darkley's Boarding School for Bad Boys.
I can't say that I like my mother's decision to leave me there. I understand now why she did it… and I'm sure that one day if I have kids of my own that I'd understand even more. I used to think leaving me with Wu would have been a better option, but as I've grown up I realize that he would have likely just trained me like he did Morro. Regardless of if it would have been better or not, I sitll think at the time it would have seemed like the better option.
I can say I somewhat get why she picked Darkley's Boarding School. I didn't remember a lot about my dad, but I would always be defined by him. In some way, making me want to grow up to be like him would help me not want to fight him. I can understand her if her goal was to make me want to not want to fight my father. Even if it backfired, I think I get it.
That doesn't mean I agree with anything that she did. From day one, I was bullied. If it wasn't for Brad trying to teach me how to handle myself then I likely wouldn't have been able to keep my chin up. Being in a school meant to teach you how to be evil works like that. Actually, now that I think about it, Brad was actually doing the opposite of what he should have done, given that helping those under you wasn't something they normally taught. Unless he was trying to take on an underling, in which case it almost worked.
In Darkley's, I always felt like I wouldn't go anywhere. No matter how hard I tried to be bad, nobody took me seriously. I was just a nice kid. I always wanted to help people around me secretly, even if I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. I actually don't remember now whether or not we actually did any lessons; the teachers were usually always busy. Which… could likely mean they were always tied up. But I know that I was given tests by the other kids, and I always failed them. Eventually I was turned out because I didn't have the, "amoral ambition to become one of tomorrow's masterminds" or something like that.
That wasn't to say that I didn't learn a lot of things in Darkley's, oh no. The other ninja can attest that I learned a good amount. Oddly enough, when you're a big symbol and everybody expects things of you, you can get away with a lot of things. Lloyd wouldn't mess with the laundry, oh no Lloyd wouldn't try to flip through the exams. I think some of that was from the fact they always saw me as never good enough to be bad. And, I guess they were right. But that wasn't to say that I didn't try as hard as I could to be evil!
Looking back on it, it's a very murky time in my life. I don't remember much at all from before Darkley's school. I don't even remember what Misako used to look like. She gave me away so early that I can't recall the image of her face. I used to have a photo of my father somewhere with me, but I don't now. I drew markers on it to look like what the stories said he looked like. I always used to wonder how the battle between him and Wu went down over the Golden Weapons. We actually made fake weapons out of cardboard and duct tape, painted them yellow and we'd fight over them to try to act it out. We eventually came to the conclusion that Wu lost and then used something underhanded to win. It turns out we weren't that wrong.
My own mother forgot me. I think that's one thing that I feel whenever I try to look back on my time in that place. I just feel the sorrow when all the other students would have their parents, or grandparents, or anybody visit them. We still did parent teacher conferences. I'd always have to go to mine alone and be told how I was too nice. There was no parent there to fight for me, to ask for what I could do to get better, nothing. I never had anybody. And that to me was the most painful thing about my entire time in that school. Nobody wanted me.
Of course, getting thrown out hurt even more. I hated it when I was told to leave. It wasn't like I had anyplace to go. They tried to figure out where Misako was, but she was careful to hide where she was. It was actually my goal for the first few days to find her and tell her how bad a mother she was and show her I was so bad I got kicked out of the school! Like, she left me there, so clearly she wanted me to be evil. What was more evil than being too much to handle for Darkley's? Of course, once I figured out I had nothing to go on, I just made my way around and bumbed my way until I actually reached Jamanakai Village.
I made my costume myself, actually. I felt proud of myself for carefully painting on all the ribs for the ribcage and try to hide the green 5 that the shirt came with. I think it was some sort of branded shirt, so I just tried to paint over it. It worked until it started raining and I realized that I hadn't let the paint dry. But I was still proud of what I made. I even stole a cape and cut it down to wear it properly. I had it all planned out in my head!
Of course it never worked. I was just a boy that the world forgot. It didn't matter how scary I tried to look, or what I said. Most people thought I was lying saying that Lord Garmadon was my dad. People would look at me, they'd laugh, and then they'd move on. That's how it always went. I never was taken seriously. Even the Ninja thought of me as just some sort of joke. I just wanted candy and some recognition. I wanted to be seen as the bad guy! It was so much easier back then, before I had to worry about the fate of Ninjago. Because I was forgotten so quickly, it wasn't like anyone had any time to let me worry about anything other than food.
I wasn't exactly starving out there at least. I stole the lunch money of all the kids before I left. I was only out of the school for a week or so, but it felt like way longer. The Ninja thought I escaped. I wish I had, then at least I'd have the ability to say that I did something to warrant getting taken out like that. They weren't exactly nice to me. (Come on guys, stringing me up on a sign? You could have at least called Wu.)
The worst part of it all was the fact that nobody cared. I wanted to have nothing more than to be taken seriously. I wanted to be Garmadon's son! I was the son of the person who had nearly destroyed all of Ninjago! I could have warranted at least a little fear! But no, because I was put in a school that told me I'd never be evil, I had to then try my hardest to be evil. Which, now that I think about it, is why I unleashed the Serpentine. I just wanted to be evil. I just wanted to be like my dad.
But… that didn't happen. I would never be my father. Even now, with all this power and fame, I'm not half the man my father was. Ninjago may only really remember him for being evil and then good for a little while, but I will never even manage to be maybe…. 15% of the man that he was when he was good. Even when he was evil, he was better than me. I… I just one day hope that I can make him proud of me, even if he's gone.
The only person that I knew never forgot me was my dad. Back then, even as I felt that everyone had just stopped caring about me, I held onto the hope that my dad hadn't. And, since he wasn't there, nobody could ever say that he didn't. And that was what kept me going. I wanted to be like him, to make him proud. If he cared about me, then, he clearly wanted me to be something. If he was evil, then he wanted me to be evil too. I couldn't think anything else, because nobody told me to think anything else. I never had the chance to be told that I was thinking the wrong way.
I remember one moment that really sticks out to me. I think I'd just gotten to an old village, and everybody was so nice to me. I got food, water, and a nice bed to sleep in. It'd been weeks since i'd gotten into a bed. And for some reason, I wanted to tell them the truth. They had to know they were housing an evil boy, right? That I was the son of Lord Garmadon! And I told them all, I told them everything and I tried to get them to fear me.
But, they never did fear me. Instead, they only tried to take me in. One of them offered me the room of one of their children that had gone off to live in Ninjago City. They said that I could live there in the village, and that'd be that. That I'd never have to worry about traveling around looking for my dad again, and that I didn't have to keep saying who I was.
For some reason, I got angry at them. I wanted them to get upset with me, to throw me out even! I wanted them to tell me to get away! I wanted them to, to tell me that I couldn't be there! They never got angry. And I couldn't understand. I just wanted to be feared. They wouldn't. And so… I ran away. I ran away that night and didn't look back. I tried to steal some money but, I couldn't.
That's just it. No matter how hard I wanted to be evil, I think a part of me always knew that I wouldn't ever be accepted as evil. I'd always just be a child in everyone's eyes as long as they saw me. That's why I went off and did the horrible things that I did. I unleashed the Serpentine and sparked up the war all over again. I nearly made Ninjago get consumed by the Great Devourer and nearly killed people. I teamed up with things that nobody should ever have. I let Pythor trick me, I let the tribes out, I let it all happen. I did so many things.
But that's the thing. I just wanted to be seen. I was forgotten and I just wanted to be seen. That was me. That was always me. The boy that life forgot.
I suppose a lot of my readers wonder what it is that I felt when I let out the Serpentine. As far as many of the records go, I stumbled my way into the Hypnobrai tomb, opened it unknowingly and then started the Serpentine Wars all over again. The truth was… I don't think I was feeling anything. The thing is, when I look back on that day, I don't remember much about it.
I remember opening the tomb, finding Slitheraa (yes the Serpentine have names outside of their leaders) and then accidently gaining myself an army. Honestly, it was such dumb luck that Slitheraa actually backed me into the ice and let me take him over. If it had gone any other way, I don't think I'd be the Green Ninja today. Given that Pythor wanted to eat me, I still wonder whether or not the other tribes had the same thing in mind. Getting me to just stand still would make me a good snack.
When I attacked the village, all I wanted was to show them that I meant business. Hurting anyone wasn't entirely on my mind, but it was something I told myself had to happen. Letting the Serpentine hurt the Ninja though, that was different. I mean, they were the Ninja after all, they had driven my dad away. They had to be defeated. Of course, being shown up by them stung, and I remember the anger of wanting them to just go away and let me do my thing.
The thing is, when I think about what I was thinking at the time, I don't remember much. In fact, aside from the standout feelings of emotion, I don't remember much at all. I can feel the joy of getting a new army, the happiness of getting what I wanted from Jamanakai but, that was really it when I think about it. I just remember that I was wanting some attention. But I felt nothing more profound than that, I didn't think of anything that went deeper than 'look at me, you stupid ninja!' Heh, I think I was always a good kid deep down, even if I didn't want to admit it.
Of course, when I learned that I was going to be feared for the fact that I had the Serpentine, I was so happy. I was going to be seen finally as the evil Lloyd Garmadon. I was going to be seen as Ninjago's next evil doer and maybe rival my father! Why I decided to go and make a treehouse right afterwards… well, that was a tactical error I guess. Nowadays I would have just made Jamanakai my headquarters and worked from there. If I started there I'd have way less issues with getting supplies. And since the town was already established I could have used the people there are a sort of shield, nobody would dare attack if the people were still there.
...I, uh, well let's move on from that.
Being betrayed by Skales, that was what stung most of all. It wasn't like Slitheraa was really that big of a friend to me, I was kinda just using him to get the others to do what I wanted. And that was good enough for me. But it was the fact it was so soon after I had just gotten what I wanted that burned. I stole the map, yes, but I didn't want to leave the Serpentine. I didn't want to be thrust out of the tribe that I had under my control. They were my army! My dad wouldn't let his army get out of his control!
Part of me probably should have realized trying to control the Serpentine by simply getting in with their leaders wasn't going to work. I wanted to conquer Ninjago, but I didn't want to and hurt people to do it. I hadn't heard of the previous Serpentine Wars much in school, mainly because I didn't really get much education at Darkley's. Wu had to pick up a lot of that, and when I had my age jump I had to really rush to catch up. But, I got off point. I should have realized a race known for their ability to wage war wouldn't let me just mindlessly command them for long. I… didn't, and a big part of me regrets that.I never did. It would have saved me from ever thinking of letting out Pythor.
I remember one thing that Kai said, very vividly: "What were you thinking?!" I can't really figure out why that one moment sticks out to me, since Kai says a lot of crazy things and says most things with a pretty out there tone too. It was right after I'd been betrayed by Pythor and I was taken on board the Bounty. While I was waiting in a room, with Wu preparing something for me, Kai came by and said that to me. It wasn't like he was trying to lecture, and I think he was just passing by the room. But I can see his face as he said it, and when he did, I felt something that I hadn't felt yet: shame.
Having grown up being told that I was going to be evil, feeling shame was something I had never even thought of before. But there I was, waiting for what I assumed was going to be the biggest punishment of my life up to that point, and I felt bad. Something about the way that Pythor did it to me, it felt deeper than what happened with Skales. Skales had at least let me leave. When Fangtom did the same thing, that one I could kinda get too. But Pythor… it ran deeper than that. I had made a friend, someone that I thought cared about me, and then… then it was over.
Pythor, I still wonder where he is. It isn't easy trying to keep tabs on him every since the incident on the Day of the Departed. I wish I knew what happened to him. That isn't to say that I care about him, oh far from it. I just want to be able to show him that I've moved past what he said I was always going to be just a little kid.
The fact that the Serpentine forgot me right after they cast me out though, that stung. Pythor seemed like he couldn't care less for me once he got what he wanted. The only reason he took me captive was because the Ninja wanted me. He was more than happy to leave me to die in that volcano too. I was just something to be cast aside again, something that everyone did. They just forgot me.
One thing that I've seen, and Cole has told me he's seen it too, is that people mistake not wanting to be 'forgotten' for wanting to be 'remembered.' I don't think it was like that with me. It wasn't that I wanted to make my name in the middle of history at that time. I just wanted to be treated with some respect. I wanted to be feared. Even if it meant it was just for a short while, I wanted to be on the same level as my father. I mean, sure, being apart of history was somewhat part of it, but it wasn't just that. I just wanted them to all remember me. I wanted them all to just, to care about me. Because it wasn't like my mother did.
Of course, once the ninja took me in, I wasn't forgotten anymore, and in a way I got what I wanted. I was going to become the Green Ninja, and that was that. I was going to fight my father, and I was going to become the hero of Ninjago. Nobody could stop thinking about me when that happened.
I wish destiny wasn't such a drag.
"Drag?" Lloyd cocked his head, "Zane, what's with that?"
"You've refrained from swearing this entire dialogue, Lloyd," Zane blinked innocently, "I believe it may be best for you to not do so for the remainder of our sessions."
"I mean… I guess your right," Lloyd shrugged, "I just, you know, figured it would give the end of the chapter that extra little punch."
"It would, but the readers will not see it that way," Zane narrowed his gaze, "I still wonder if this is perhaps the best way for you to vent your frustrations. Many readers will expect for you to be more...friendly to general audiences."
"I'm being very friendly!" Lloyd protested, "And look, we can go through and maybe edit some things. I know people have an expectation of me. I'm doing this to show them that it's not exactly easy to be the ideal ninja."
"I offer only advice, never demands," Zane raised his hands, "I also took the liberty of securing you a recording device as well."
Zane reached out, handing Lloyd what looked like a squished pen. Lloyd picked it up, staring at it for a minute.
"Uh, thanks Zane but, why do I need this?" Lloyd nevertheless slid the device into his pocket.
"In case you feel the need to record your thoughts outside of our sessions; for example, Cole mentioned that he could not help but hear you practicing your words in the shower," Zane smiled, "I have made the device waterproof as well."
Lloyd went bright red and put his hand over the little device. Zane stood up and exited the room, leaving Lloyd to slowly sigh as he called out, "Thanks, Zane!" He turned, "...Do I really get that loud in the shower…?"