Konoha looked like cheese, the best kind with holes, but also the worst kind with moldy bits: a bit of both.

I flew over the city, cataloguing the damage caused by the Oto-Suna invasion. Two weeks after the fight, the most critical issues had been dealt with, but the violence of the confrontation was still noticeable. However, the worst losses weren't material.

Most of the people I could see from so high were wearing black.

Contrary to many of the cities I had seen, following Itachi around, Konoha had always seemed lively and welcoming. Right now, it was a sad sight, and I irrationally felt bad for not doing more to avoid it, although I knew I couldn't have done much.

Once my overview was done, I flew down, closer to the roofs, looking for my boyfriend with both sight and chakra sense. When I finally noticed his familiar chakra, I groaned mentally. I had naively thought that Itachi and Kisame's intrusion in Konoha would be undisturbed, that Kakashi would know better than to follow them even if he noticed them. I had given him too much credit, or fate was damn stubborn.

The Akatsuki pair was facing Kakashi, Asuma and Kurenai on the middle of a lake in the outskirts of Konoha. This looked like the beginning of a western, shinobi style.

I circled them, getting everyone's attention, before flying down as Itachi raised an elegant hand for me.

"Can't I leave a few minutes without you getting in trouble?" I grumbled. I didn't wait for an answer which wouldn't come. "The kid isn't here. They're a few hours out of town, toward the South." I hadn't seen Naruto, but they didn't need to know that. I just knew where they were going —the next appointment with Tsunade was due in a few days, in a small town in the South. The kid was also easy to pinpoint with chakra sense. He was on the edge of my chakra field.

Itachi nodded in understanding. "Let's go."

"We're not fighting?" Kisame asked, disappointed, as he held his greedy sword.

"That'd be a waste of time. Tsukiyo, cover us."

I groaned in distaste, but I had been expecting the order. We had to give the change, at least for Kisame. "This will deplete my chakra," I whined. "You better summon me back when you find the kid."

Itachi hummed in understanding and propelled me up. I flew high before channeling my chakra into a cloning jutsu. I used so much chakra that a thousand clones joined me as I nosedived toward the Konoha jounin. I stayed at the back of the group and flew to the side as soon as I could afford it without being noticed.

It was quite fun seeing the jounin trying to dodge clones of me while cursing and hitting blindly the quick projectiles hammering them or the surface of the water on which they were standing (with difficulty due to the ripples). When I got the memories of my defunct clones, I snickered at the faces a few of them had seen. Asuma had dropped his cigarette with an ugly scowl. Kurenai red eyes became freaky when they widened. As for, Kakashi… apparently, he prefered taking a swim rather than being pummeled by his girlfriend's clones.

I landed on a pole of the fence surrounding a part of the lake and noted that Itachi and Kisame had successfully disappeared.

"That was mean, Tsukiyo-chan."

My soaked boyfriend got out of the lake. A bit further on the lake, his friends were walking toward us with wet feet and tousled hair and clothes. I cackled in glee.

"How did you think this would end, Kakashi?" I replied, shaking my wings to relax them after such an exhausting flight. I had very little chakra left. A few minutes to spare, at most. "Why did you confront them? They would have left without causing a scene."

He bent down with his hands on his knees to be at my eye-level. "I wasn't going to, but I couldn't help to eavesdrop, and I heard a funny thing."

"That Kisame likes origami? Yeah, I know; weird, but he does a great shark. His crow could use some work, though."

"He also apparently likes begging for your kisses so much that Itachi warned him off."

"Aww, Itachi did? Cute, but it only happened once."

With a hangdog expression, Kakashi whined in a whisper: "You kissed him?!"

I rolled my eyes. "Our lips pressed against each other. Whatever. Food is worth more to me than human social taboos. Hey, Sarutobi-san, Yuuhi-san, how is the water?!" I greeted the couple cheerfully as they reached hearing range.

"Turbulent," Asuma replied in a deadpan.

"You have a feather in your hair, Kurenai-san," I informed her helpfully.

The woman removed the black feather with an unimpressed look. "Was this really necessary?"

"We have to make it believable for Itachi's partner in Akatsuki," Kakashi replied calmly as if he hadn't ended up soaked due to jealousy.

"Speaking about that, I have to make sure they don't scare your kiddo too bad. See ya."

"My ki— Wait! They're after Naruto?"

I saluted. "Chakra, over."

o

It was no big surprise when I was summoned by Itachi a few hours later to find myself face to Kakashi's unimpressed face.

"You're after Naruto. Couldn't you have started with that?" he accused.

"Hullo. Who here was distracted by unimportant lips contact?"

Itachi had summoned me on a table (he knew my distaste for ground level: the floor was for crawlers or humans, not birds). We were in what looked like the empty back room of a shop. Itachi had lowered his hat so that Kakashi couldn't see his face (so, he wasn't in the mood for social contact, was he annoyed by human taboos too?).

"Where is Blue?" I asked, looking around.

"Chasing our target."

Kakashi and I turned horrified faces toward Itachi.

"You let him go after the kid alone?!"

"I had to distract Jiraiya-sama, and then I was distracted by your boyfriend," he commented pointedly. Oh, so that's what he was annoyed about.

"Hey, don't get sassy. I'm the one putting up with your messy human lives with sass and class, not the other way around! Now, let's hurry up, guys, before SharkMan gets ahead of himself."

"You're the one in a cross-species relationship," Itachi grumbled (grumbled! Itachi-perfect-Uchiha was grumbling!). He turned toward the back door nonetheless and opened it for me so that I could lead the way.

"Our friendship is a cross-species relationship, darling, what's your point?" I told him before ascending over rooftops.

Fifteen minutes, a traumatized kid and a pissed off sannin later, Itachi and I continued our debate.

"I'm just saying that if we can communicate and understand each other's culture, the physical differences are just secondary," I was explaining while balancing on his shoulder (a bit difficult when he was running away from the aforementioned sannin).

"For a friendship, certainly, but for a physical relationship I do believe it's becoming a primary concern."

"Sure, but I can change my physical aspect whenever I want, so I don't see the issue."

Itachi stopped on a high branch when it became obvious that Jiraiya had prefered to stay with Naruto rather than pursue. Kisame was still far enough ahead of us that he couldn't hear us whispering.

"Any change you can apply is temporary, Tsukiyo. I'm concerned that this could affect your health."

I squinted at him. "You're talking about pregnancy." There weren't a lot of ways my health could be affected by a physical relationship (let's not start discussing STI).

He tilted his head in admission.

"You know, when I thought about having this conversation with you, it was the other way around, with me explaining the flowers and the bees. It's weird. I don't like this reversal."

Itachi looked away. "I don't need this conversation."

"Yeah, I know. It's okay, by the way, if you're not interested in sex. Whether it's 'not right now' because your life is a mess or 'not at all' because that's not your thing, that's fine. Just get rid of whoever tells you otherwise… like Hidan. I know the asshole teased you about it, I can help you spread his ashes all over the world if the mood strikes you..."

Itachi raised an eyebrow, sign that he was deeply touched by my suggestion (anyone would like the idea to make Hidan disappear). "I appreciate the thought, but we're talking about you."

"Ah, yes, me. Don't ya worry about me, Trouble. Pregnancy won't be an issue. Now, see ya in two days for your check-up. Don't be late, Tsunade will have plenty in her plate soon enough." I jumped from his shoulder, gliding over the path leading back to town.

Kakashi was waiting for me on a fallen tree. I landed next to his feet and stretched my chakra sense to make sure we were alone. Once I was sure of it, I turned into human shape and stretched my arms before sitting next to him.

"How is the kid? Traumatized, yet?"

"He's fine."

He sounded a little embarrassed. I raised a questioning eyebrow.

Kakashi rubbed his nose, playing with the edge of his mask as he admitted: "He was happy that I ran from Konoha to defend him. He even sounded a bit surprised, under the boasting that he'd have been fine."

I sighed, shook my head and ran fingers through my hair. "Give the damn kid more hugs for Kami's sake. Poor thing is love-starved."

"I think he'd find that weird."

"That's because you're a weirdo. You know what? Your girlfriend should pop up one day and give him a spontaneous hug. He'd like that because I'm not weird."

"... You are."

"Am not."

"You like me," he pointed out.

"...Yeah, you're right, that's weird. I am weird by association, I guess…" I nodded slowly, considering the level of weirdness that might have rub off on me.

"What about you?"

"Mh?"

"Itachi. What did he say?"

"Oh, he's worried you'll get me pregnant."

Kakashi choked on his saliva. I smirked fondly at that silly boyfriend of mine who could stay perfectly calm in battle or reading porn but got flustered as soon as it was a private matter.

"Did you…"

"... tell him we never had that kind of sex? No… It was implied."

"Does that bother you?"

"What?"

"That we didn't… Is that why you kissed Kisame?"

"Urgh, let it go with the kissing Blue thing. I forgot, all right?"

"You forgot?"

"I forgot that it was a big deal for humans when you kissed each other," I admitted, pouting.

Kakashi's eyebrows went up. "Really?"

"I don't see what's the big deal. Our lips touched, so what? It's just skin contact. I only see the point if it's you."

"Maa, really?" I could hear him grin.

"Oh, shut up." I chose to ignore his self-satisfaction by staring at the trees surrounding us (that branch had a good view on the path, good perch material).

A warm hand slid on my back as he leaned forward. "Tsukiyo-chaaan," he sang-song. "Admit it."

"Only if I don't have to apologize for hurting your touchy human feelings in exchange," I grumbled, pursing my lips in annoyance. I didn't like apologizing. Someone as awesome as me didn't make mistakes (much).

"Deal."

"Fine," I huffed and turned to face him. "I love you, you annoying human."

His eye was sparkling with pleasure and mischief. "How much?"

I groaned at his game, but it was still better than apologizing (especially to him, he'd make it as long and difficult as possible just to annoy me). I raised a hand horizontally and waved a hand just under. "Around as much as that compared to my undying loyalty to Trouble."

"There is no higher possibility."

"Clearly."

"That'll do." He slid closer and kissed me before I even noticed he had pulled down his mask. "You're forgiven, silly crow."

I stuck my tongue out at him but relaxed at the easy acceptance. I rested my arms around his neck and kissed him back. Pressing lips together. What a human concept. If it was his though, I could see the appeal. "I don't care about sex, by the way. For crows, sex is for breeding, and do you see me having babies?" I gestured at myself with a disdainful expression. "I think not. Kids are just trouble, and I have enough of that."

"I couldn't agree more," Kakashi admitted with a mock-serious expression. His forehead came to rest against mine, and he hummed thoughtfully. "So… you're not interested in sex?"

"I'm interested in you, so I'm not if you aren't."

"It's not that I'm not—"

I interrupted him with a hand on his cheek and a kiss on his nose. "I know. Human taboos and hang-ups and all that… It doesn't matter, Kakashi. I'm content with our cuddles and those things we do which aren't breeding-sex."

Kakashi snorted.

I tilted my head with a cheeky grin. "Happy?"

"Much." He lifted me onto his lap and nuzzled my temple. "How much time do you have?"

"A short hour."

"Good."

oOo

Two days later, I was on the windowsill of a hotel room, staring at the road like a good sentry. It didn't escape Tsunade's notice. While she let Shizune do the primary check-up, the Sannin frowned at me.

"Why the lookout, Goose?"

"You're about to have company. I'm checking they aren't early."

"From Konoha?"

"Among others. Congrats on your skyrocketing popularity, despite its origins and the fact that it's not deserved considering the quality of your reception."

Tsunade huffed in annoyance. I knew she had read the local newspaper's article about the Sandaime's death and the attack on Konoha (she had thrown it in the bin at our arrival). I wondered if she had followed my advice and wrote to him, but she'd never tell me if she had.

Our relationship was as snarky as ever. Since Tsunade had learned about my true form, she went out of her way to find appropriate nicknames in a blatant competition against Kisame (which they both didn't know about, but I was keeping points, Kisame was still on the lead).

"They can all get lost."

"I'm sure they can, and I'm sure you'll tell them so, but when you go back to Konoha can you do me a favor and plant almond trees?"

"I'm never going back!"

"Right, right. Want to bet on that? Let's say, twenty almond trees."

"You're on, Crow Pie!"

Oh, that one was new. Kisame might lose his advantage.

The medical check-up had become routine. We left less than an hour later with Tsunade giving us a meeting place for the next treatment deliberately far from Konoha. It took great efforts not to reply with a snarky challenge. See that awesome self-control I had?

Two days later, I was resting on Itachi's shoulder, admiring the showdown between Sannins a few kilometers away. He was standing on a tree branch, offering me some of his onigiri from time to time as frogs and snakes flattened some poor trees in the background. Deforestation in this world was a serious problem.

"Looks like they calmed down," I commented after a bite of rice. "Are we going?"

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, trust me, they're going to flee…"

"That part is a given," Itachi agreed. "But killing them now?"

"It's better in the long run. He'll go after your brother if you don't. You know how obsessed he's after the Sharingan, and obviously, he can't get it from you or Kakashi. As for his assistant, he's corrupted beyond repair and will just follow Orochimaru's way."

Itachi closed his eyes before nodding in acceptance. "Very well. Lead on."

Focusing on my chakra sense, I pinpointed Orochimaru and Kabuto when they fled the battlefield and extrapolated their path from there. We found the perfect clearing to step in.

I waited for them first, standing tall and unmoving on the other side of the clearing when they came out of the forest. They froze at the sight of me. Orochimaru was resting heavily on Kabuto's shoulder.

"Itachi-kun," Orochimaru hissed. "I wasn't expecting you here."

I stepped forward slowly and raised two fingers in a hand seal often used to activate jutsu.

They slid into a defensive position, focused on my fingers rather than my eyes. Ha! Classic.

"I have no quarrel with you, Itachi-kun. As your summon as no doubt told you, I left your brother more or less—" Orochimaru's yellow eyes widened when he realized he had been tricked. Not soon enough.

The whisper came from behind them. "Amaterasu."

And their bodies burst into black flames, reducing them into ashes in a matter of seconds.

I focused my chakra sense to the max, to make sure that there had been no subterfuge, no swap to escape death from those who had been so determined to avoid it. Nothing. Itachi and I were alone. Orochimaru and Kabuto, exhausted by their fight against the two other Sannin, had succumbed to a little trick and an inescapable jutsu.

Satisfied by this certitude, I walked to Itachi's side, foregoing my copycat act by balancing my arms and sauntering cheerfully. When I reached him after going around the pile of ashes, I offered an open palm with a wide grin.

Itachi looked up from the black spot indicating the two human beings and little insects sacrificed to the flames of hell before Itachi got it extinguished. The scorched ground was still smoking.

I waited patiently.

He caved first. With a sigh, he touched his palm to mine in a poor attempt at a high-five. Nevermind the lack of enthusiasm, I was proud of him for showing team spirit!

"I like this tactic! We should do it again!" I spun around, comparing Akatsuki outfit's aerodynamics to my usual kimono. "How do I look?"

"Like me," he replied, deadpan.

"Yeah! I like it!"

"I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take that."

"Like a compliment, duh." I rested my forearms on his shoulder and my chin on my forearms. "Oooh, we could pretend to be Twins! The Genius Twins! We could prank Akatsuki! That'd be fun! Do you think they'd fall for it?"

Itachi looked at the way I hold myself in a silent reply.

"Not like I'm now, obviously, but I can behave like you! I fooled Orochimaru, didn't I?"

Itachi tilted his head in concession. "Your ability to imitate me was a surprise."

I patted his chest. "I have watched you like a crow for years, my dear."

"That sounds creepy," Itachi commented before rolling his eyes. "Kisame wouldn't fall for it. Neither would Sasori."

"True, but Deidara would, oooh and Hidan!" I beamed at the thought.

Itachi turned around and walked away.

I sauntered after him. "You know you want to prank him!" Annoyed by the restriction of the coat, I opened it, letting the fabric blow behind me like a cape (I looked cool like Itachi! Awesome!). "Come on, Itaaachiii, let me prank him! Please? I'll be good! Pretty please with an almond on top?"

He stopped abruptly. I had to spin to avoid his back and come around face to face. He reached for my elbow to balance me but didn't look away with this intense look (labelled in my Itachi to Tsukiyo dictionary: "I know what you're doing").

"You're trying to distract me."

"Yes! Is it working?" I agreed with a cheeky smile. Itachi could get depressed and moody after killing someone, even if they were psychopaths. I knew how to recognize the signs and help.

He glanced to the smoking spot we had left behind. When he looked back at me, his eyes were softer. "Yes."

"That's because I'm the best," I pointed out smugly, pushing a strand of hair back behind my shoulder.

He made a pained expression. "Please change back to your own body."

"Why? I like yours."

"It's like watching myself in a horror mirror."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't wish to know what I'd look like with your expressions."

I pouted before replying. He lifted a hand and pressed it to my mouth.

"Like that. Don't do that."

I tried to pout with my eyes. He closed his.

"You can prank Hidan if you change to your own body right now."

After immediately changing my Henge no Jutsu from Itachi's body to my usual human form, I raised my arms to the sky. "Yes! I'm going to humiliate Zombie Number One! Awesome! Ok, ok, I need to strategize."

Clapping my hands in delight, I closed my eyes to think. Itachi walked away, but, with my chakra sense, I followed him without needing to watch where I was going, just by walking behind him I could avoid any obstacles.

"Hey, hey, Itachi, will you help?"

"This is your prank."

"Yeah, but I want to make him pay for that comment he made about you. It needs to be good. It needs to be perfect! If you don't help me I'm gonna ask Kisame… It's gotta be the best vengeance —I mean prank, but no not really— ever."

"I'm not helping."

"That's fine, that's fine, I'll just find someone else to help…"

"... Sasori-san is still upset about the comment on his 'dolls', and he might be willing to help if you tell him Orochimaru's dead."

"Perfect!" I shouted in delight, opening my eyes. The next second, I tripped over a root. Itachi caught me just before my face met the ground.

He sighed, exasperated. "Tsukiyo-chan, if you're going to be like this you might just stay on my shoulder."

Reverting to bird shape, I let him settle me on my favorite perch and rub my face against his cheek. "I'm going to make him pay, Trouble."

His lips stretched slightly, and his hand came to stroke my neck. "I know you will."

I would have cooed if I could.

oOo

"So. Twenty almond trees. I was thinking, two in the park behind the Academy, two—"

I dodged the heavy file thrown at the table where I was perched and flew back to the window where I had come from.

"Oooh, Godaime-sama is in a bad mood," I mocked. "What's wrong? Not enough sake?"

"You!" Tsunade pointed at me with a deep scowl. "What's wrong is you, old hen!"

"Hey, watch it, you're the antiquity in this room."

"How! How do you always know everything?!"

"I'm just that good. It's a gift. And you're just that bad at gambling, I don't see why you're surprised, betting against someone else is like you begging to be proven wrong…" I tilted my head in thought. "Wait… Is that it? You were waiting for an excuse to come ba—" I dodged a scroll by pressing myself to the windowsill. It went flying through the window and consequently fell from the top of the tower. "Geez. Was that a classified document? Do you play fetch with your ANBU or what?"

She waved in dismissal. "It's just a summons."

I looked at the ground when I heard a shout of protest. "In that case, your aim is scarily accurate. What the hell. That poor courier is going to have a bump."

"I'm just that good. It's a gift. Now, get over here and tell me what you want. And if you say almond trees, I'm plucking you."

"Hey, a bet is a bet, and I'm super serious about almonds."

She glared. Damn. Ok, scary lady.

I went to perch on the back of a chair in front of her desk. "Fine, fine. Did you get the time to catch up on the Uchiha mystery?" I had voluntary waited a month for her to get situated as the new Hokage.

"Yes," she grumbled. Removing her heels from the corner of her desk, she stood up and went to close the window before activating a seal of privacy. "And it pissed me off. I'm tempted to rearrange Danzou's face."

"Oooh, can I have a front-row ticket? Pretty please?" I asked eagerly, bouncing up and down.

She threw me an amused glance. The corner of her lips itched upward. "I'll consider it. So, that Akatsuki group, tell me about it."

It took a while to get Tsunade up to date. I had to stop several times to give her time to rant, from a: "Of fucking course, the kid has S-class nukenin after him, of fucking curse," to "Uchiha Madara?! What's this, Jiraiya's latest shitty plotline?"

I liked this woman.

She was pacing behind her desk with a disgruntled expression, and I couldn't help but think: "I want to be just like her when I'm a human… well, without the gambling… and the drinking… and the angst… you know what? nevermind."

"Oh, by the way, there is something else you should know."

She threw me an annoyed glance. "What? The Moon Goddess reincarnated?"

"No. Not yet, at least, you have still a few years before that," I mumbled to myself before shaking my head. "No, I just thought you should know Orochimaru is dead."

She froze with her back to me and slowly turned around. "What?"

"Yeah."

"How."

"Burnt to ashes. Just after he attacked you and fled."

"Itachi killed him."

"Yep."

Tsunade stood still for a moment before collapsing in her chair. She stared into space, expressionless.

"You're sure?"

"Yep. But if you want to check, there's an easy way."

She turned toward me and raised an eyebrow.

"His summons would know for sure. There's still someone in Konoha with access to the snakes, right?"

Picking up a pen on her desk, Tsunade played with it. It broke between her fingers as she ordered to the void: "Bring me Mitarashi Anko."

The next few minutes were tense. Tsunade was lost in her thoughts, and I wasn't stupid enough to bother her. I flew to the ground to Tsunade's right and changed into a human shape. I chose one different from the usual one I favor to go incognito. Standing in Konoha's standard chuunin uniform, I had chosen blond hair matching Tsunade's and a boring face easily forgotten.

Tsunade threw me a glance but didn't comment. When a knock sounded, she let go of the privacy seal long enough to let Anko in the room and reactivated it behind her.

"You asked for me Hokage-sama?" Anko asked as she bowed.

"Yes. I need you to summon a snake. A cooperative one who'd answer some questions, if you have that in store."

I held back a snort.

Anko frowned, curious, but cooperated. The blue snake was relatively small, for kyodaija that is. The Giant Snakes weren't my favorite beasts, and I was glad to be far enough that this one— large like a cat and long like a pole— couldn't reach me without going through Tsunade (she was my shield, no shame).

"This is Aodako," Anko explained. "Aodako, Hokage-sama has questions for you."

Aodako hissed and turned around from her summoner to the Hokage, bowing her head in greeting.

"Is Orochimaru dead?" Tsunade asked.

"What?" Anko shouted squeakily (there's no other way to describe it, it was a really weird sound).

"I received information suggesting it. Is it true?" Tsunade stared the snake in the eye with bravery I admired. I found their eyes creepy.

"Information regarding summoners are protected by the contract," Aodako replied.

"That protection doesn't extend to the dead," I piped up, crossing my arms. "Your loyalty to the living ones precedes secrecy about the dead ones. And your current summoner wishes to know."

"Yeah," Anko said, having recovered from the shock. "Yeah, I definitely want to know if the old creep is dead." She lifted hopeful eyes toward Aodako. "Is he?"

The snake hesitated. She had been fixing me with a look since I had spoken. Her tongue darted in my direction, and I knew she was aware I was no human. Kyodaija were good at that little game. Tasting the air sometimes allowed them to rival with ninken. Aodako got distracted by Anko however. She seemed to be fond of her summoner because she relaxed and lowered herself to her level to answer:

"His name has faded from the contract."

Dead. Totally dead. Called it! I discreetly flexed my hand into a fist of victory.

Tsunade closed her eyes and let go of a breath (of relief? grief? a bit of both, maybe).

Anko stayed frozen for a few seconds before she erupted into a cheer and jumped up and down with both fists raised. "Yes! Hell yes! Go roast in hell, you bitch!"

Tsunade let her subaltern bask in her euphoria for a moment, considering her options while tapping her fingers on the desk (I watched those fingers intently, I knew they could break that wood easily and I want to be able to dodge any splinters).

"What about his second? Kabuto? He signed the summoning contract too, correct?" Tsunade asked above Anko's muttering.

"His name faded along with Orochimaru's," Aodako replied docilely.

Tsunade nodded in satisfaction. She leaned forward to put both elbows on the desk and cross her fingers thoughtfully. "Good. Can you confirm that Anko is your only living summoner?"

"She is."

"Excellent. Thank you for your cooperation, Aodako. Anko… go celebrate."

"Hell yeah! You can count on me!" The woman threw one more fist to the ceiling before sobering abruptly and leaning on the desk. "But who is it? Who got him?" Her weird eyes went up to me suspiciously.

"Nukenin," Tsunade replied, stone-faced. "Our spies just found out."

"Nukenin, uh? There aren't many out there who could compete…"

"No," Tsunade agreed, "but there are always bigger fishes. Dismissed."

The tokubetsu jounin let it go at her superior's order, and Aodako left in a cloud of smoke after a last glance at me.

Once we were alone and under the privacy seal, Tsunade turned her chair toward me and stared.

I smiled. "Can I get those almond trees now?"

She snorted. "Is that the only thing you want? The bounty on Orochimaru's head's worth millions of fucking almond trees, Birdy."

"That seems a bit excessive. Monoculture isn't a good thing in excess, you know, you have to diversify. Let's see, mh… Hazel, walnut, cashew, raspberry, blackberry—"

Tsunade snorted and then burst into laughter.

Probably the nerves getting to her. I let it pass.

"Doesn't Itachi need it?" she asked after calming down.

"To do what? Give it to Akatsuki, your enemy? Buy millions of nail polish bottles? The only thing which could cost him anything is your treatment and, oh, look at that, you're healing him free of charge. Any comment about that, Ma'am I'm-always-in-debts-and-I-pretend-to-be-an-asshole?"

Tsunade glared at me and turned back toward her desk and the paperwork waiting for him. "So I'm keeping the bounty as reimbursements of medical expenses."

"Yeah, you do that," I agreed. Understanding the dismissal, I walked toward the window and opened it. "But don't forget my trees."

Tsunade muttered curses about trees, but that sounded like victory to my trained ears. She threw a kunai at the map of the world taking one wall of her office. "Tell the kid to show up here for his next check-up."

"Chief. Yes, chief." I saluted with two fingers and memorized the name of the small town where Shizune would wait for us. Since Tsunade couldn't leave her post and Itachi couldn't come to Konoha and stay undetected every month, Shizune had been saddled with this duty.

I flew out of the tower and went to find my boyfriend. It took me a moment to be sure that he wasn't in town. He must have been sent on a mission, like many high-level shinobi, to compensate for the weeks when Konoha had been weakened. I perched in a tree and pouted a bit. It wasn't the first time, but I hated it when he wasn't here when I came. It was difficult to see each other. Long-distance relationships really sucked. I wanted to tell him about the prank on Hidan! I didn't have the opportunity for it yet, and he might be able to give me a few ideas or tips.

"Tsukiyo-san."

I sighed in dejection.

"Are you ignoring me on purpose?"

"Yes."

Sasuke climbed on the tree and perched on the branch next to mine with an exasperated expression. "You're the one who stopped on the tree right next to my training spot."

"I just wanted to see you flailing around like a duckling."

He rolled his eyes and sat down with his legs dangling instead of crouching. Oh, he was in a chatty mood then. Will wonders never cease?

"Only one of my year mates got promoted to chuunin," he said.

Ah, of course, it was about that. I had to admit, he was an annoying little duck, but he was a driven one.

"I expected as much."

He clenched his jaw. "Next exam. We'll pass."

"All of you?"

"Yes."

I huffed. I'd have smirked if this form had allowed me to. "Are you sure about that?"

"I'll help them train!"

"Glad to hear it. But, darling… aren't you missing one?"

He clenched his fist and cursed. "Damn it, baka…"

I cackled. The story hadn't changed, and Naruto had left with Jiraiya for three years, like in the story I remembered. Just like planned, I had at least three years before I had to tell Sasuke the truth.

"You said you'd give me clues if half of us pass!"

I froze and then tilted my head. "I did say that," I admitted reluctantly. Damn it.

"In five months, half of us will be chuunin. You'll tell me then."

I sighed, threw my head back and stared at the clouds. "Urgh. Trouble kid number three, it pisses me off how you might manage to pull that one."

He smirked.

Damn it.

Fucking Uchiha.

Yes, I know, Orochimaru's death was anticlimactic. That was the point. Tsukiyo and this story doesn't play by the rules of the Naruto world. Long fights and far-fetched escapes? Not here. Let's be ninja and end this quickly and neatly when the enemy is weakened, shall we? (EDIT: I have been told that Orochimaru can come back to life through the cursed seals? to be honest, I didn't know, I gave up on the manga before that part, and so I'll gleefully ignore it because, urgh, that's disgusting).

As for the sex conversations: I personally headcanon Itachi as somewhat asexual/demisexual/too-depressed-to-be-interested-in-sex, and Kakashi... well, that will be developped later.