"What. What the fuck are you doing."

"I'm cooking, what does it look like? And did you just curse —"

Mister Compress chose to ignore that last comment. "Dabi, that is not cooking, it's black, what even is that—"

"It's pasta."

"... pasta. It's pasta."

"Yeah…?"

"Dabi, it's in a frying pan."

"Yeah, and?"

"Where's the water?"

"What?"

"The water, Dabi, the water! Where's the fucking water!"

Dabi gives him a look. "I'm making pasta, not soup."

Compress makes a noise like a dying walrus. "How are you even alive?"

"Spite."

"Do you eat spite?"

"W-what?"

"Dabi. Do you eat spite?"

"What does that even mean—"

"I, I can't, I'm getting Kurogiri—"

"What, no! Mister—Mister Compress, no! Just wait a minute—"

But he was already gone.

And as Dabi prepared to make a run for it, he could hear in the distance fragments of a conversation.

"— frying pan—"

"—wasn't even any water—"

"— SOUP—"

Dabi didn't even understand what he'd done wrong.

.

.

.

"Dabi, please sit down."

"What the fuck is this?"

Seated around the lounge area of the bar was the entirety of the League of Villains. Kurogiri was leaning on the bar, Mister Compress standing in the middle of the room, and Shigaraki and Spinner slumped on one couch and Toga and Twice on the other.

"Is this—is this an intervention?!"

"Please, Dabi, just sit down," Kurogiri pleaded.

"Wha—is this 'cause of the pasta?!"

Mister scoffed, "pasta—"

"You— shut up, it was spaghetti— "

"—spaghetti , he says—!"

"—Mister, I swear to fuck—"

"—children," Kurogiri shouted, "quiet down."

Everyone froze. Kurogiri had just shouted.

" ...you're in trouble~"

"—Twice, quiet." Kurogiri took a deep breath. "Everyone sit down—you, too, Mister—"

"—hah—!"

"Dabi, quiet."

Once Dabi and Compress had seated themselves on the third couch Kurogiri came to stand at the head of the coffee table.

"Now, we are gathered here today—"

Shigaraki scoffed, and Kurogiri subtly kicked him in the shin.

"—ow, fuck—"

"—to have an intervention," he continued without missing a beat. Dabi groaned and Kurogiri kicked him, too.

"Now, some people here might be under the impression that this intervention is solely for Dabi. Those people would be wrong."

Kurogiri loudly shushed them before they could get too loud.

"It has come to my attention that no one in this League knows how to take care of themselves."

Shigaraki huffed, and Kurogiri didn't miss a beat before saying, "Shigaraki, yesterday you played Minecraft for seventeen hours straight before throwing up because you hadn't eaten in you-can't-even-remember-how-long." Shigaraki wisely shut up.

"What about me?" Mister Compress was dramatically waving his hand from where he sat on the other end of the couch beside Dabi. "I am highly offended at being lumped together with—"

"Excuse you?" Spinner scoffed, "if anything I should be saying that; yesterday I had to stop you from cooking your eggs with the shell—"

"—it's called crunchy eggs, you uncultured swine—"

"—what the fuck do you mean crunchy eggs, that's not a thing, what the fuck—"

"This is worse than I thought," Kurogiri sighed to himself.

.

.

.

"Welcome to Cooking for Dummies—"

"—fuck you, Kurogiri—"

"—today we will be learning to cook eggs. First lesson, eggs should not be crunchy. Eggs should never be crunchy."

"—but—"

"—no , Mister. Just, no. Moving on," Kurogiri continued, "to cook an egg you will need at least three things: an egg, a frying pan, and some non-stick cooking spray. And a stove, of course."

"Ne, ne, what the sticking spray for?"

"Good question, Toga! And also, no! Non-stick spray! It prevents your eggs from sticking to the pan."

Dabi raised his hand.

"Yes, Dabi?"

"Do we really need fancy spray? Can't we just scrape it off?"

"No, nonono, please do not attempt to scrape it off."

"Why not," Spinner asked.

"Because it will destroy the coating."

"But why can't we just not add the coating—"

"—not that coating—"

"—how many coatings are there—?!"

"—quiet! "

Once everyone had quieted down, Kurogiri noticed Mister Compress had his hand up.

"...Mister?"

Compress coughed. "Personally, I would like to know why eggs can't be crunchy—"

"—oh my god—"

"—Spinner, hush—it's just a simple question! So what if I like my eggs a little crunchy, what's wrong with that—?"

Kurogiri groaned. If he had a head, it'd be in his hands. If he had temples, he'd be massaging them. If he had a nose, he'd be pinching the bridge of it.

How. How can they be this…crunchy? Crunchy?! SOUP?!

.

.

.

"Alright, present your dishes," Kurogiri said, sounding much like a cooking show host.

Dabi could be heard from the corner muttering, "When did this become a competition…"

Spinner pat his shoulder, "Always has been."

"Now, who would like to go first."

Everyone steadfastly avoided eye-contact.

Kurogiri sighed. "Looks like I'll have to start calling on people…"

Toga quietly mumbled something about dropping out, and "school all over again". It was not acknowledged.

"Well, since this all started with you…Dabi, why don't you go first?"

Dabi groaned loudly. "Ugh. Fine…"

Picking up a plate neatly covered with a bowl, he brought it before Kurogiri. Everyone leaned in…

When he took the bowl off the plate everyone was hit with a horrible wave of something that smelt like smoke. The eggs themselves could almost be called sunnyside up as the eggs were unmixed and the yolks miraculously unbroken. Unfortunately however, they were also blended with shards of broken egg shells and the bottom and sides of the eggs were charred black. The stench was enough to make even Kurogiri, resident human smoke cloud, choke.

"That's…a crime against humanity. I'd say zero out of ten, but I'm willing to be generous on account of your unbroken yolk and give you a two."

Dabi muttered angrily as he covered his eggs and stomped away to the corner.

"Now, who's next?"

Now that Dabi's was out of the way the others were feeling more confident about their own dishes. In the end, it was Spinner who chose to get his out of the way and over with rather than drag it on.

He strode confidently up to Kurogiri and placed his bowl on the table before him.

Kurogiri took one glance at the eggs before looking back at Spinner. Then back at the eggs. Then back at Spinner.

"What," Spinner finally asked.

"These…these are the eggs you cooked?"

"Yes…?"

"These are the eggs. The eggs that you cooked."

"Yeah, I thought we covered that already."

"Cooked," Kurogiri stressed.

"Yeah…?"

Curious, the others leaned back in. And there, in the bowl, were three scrambled eggs…clearly uncooked.

After three and a half minutes of staring each other down, Kurogiri just sighed, sounding supremely disappointed. "Zero out of ten."

"—wait, what—?!"

"Next," Kurogiri stressed, "please."

Like Dabi before him, Spinner took his eggs away whilst muttering angrily to himself. He came to stand beside Dabi in the "failure's corner," as it was coming to be known.

He could be heard muttering something like, "mixing counts as cooking," before Dabi told him to shut up.

Next up was an excited-looking Twice.

Now, while his face was indeed covered, his body language was enough to make his excitement perfectly clear as he happily bounced over with a frying pan.

...an empty frying pan.

"Twice," Kurogiri asked, "where are your eggs?"

"...eh?"

Kurogiri just sighed. "Next."

"Eh?! What about my eggs!"

"What eggs."

"These—ah. Oh…huh." Twice was gently led over to the corner by Compress. As he skulked away, he could be heard shouting, "This is a jiff! I demand a recount!"

Meanwhile, Kurogiri was facedown on the table. "Let's just get this over with," he groaned into the wooden surface, "Who's next?"

"Me, me, me!" cried Toga, waving her hands excitedly. Not a good idea, considering she was holding a wine glass (for some reason). When she got to Kurogiri, she placed the glass onto the table with the utmost care and gently peeled back the saran wrap on the rim. There, in the glass, was…something . Kurogiri was not, in fact, quite sure what it was, but it was something. So he asked.

"It's a smoothie!" Toga gushed, smiling so wide her kanines were visible.

"I…see. Points for creativity I suppose, but also an unfortunately high risk for salmonella."

"...eh?"

Kurogiri sighed heavily into the table. "One."

Twice quickly rushed over to comfort Toga before she could tear up, and led her back to the corner where Dabi and Spinner still stood, now eating their respective eggs. Spinner tried to offer Dabi some of his egg soup, to which Dabi replied with a resounding "no".

Kurogiri steadfastly ignored them.

"Please tell me we're almost done," he begged, voice muffled from him pressing his face into the table.

Dabi, still spiteful over his loss, happily informed Kurogiri that they still had three more to go.

Kurogiri tried not to scream, and just barely succeeded.

Next to volunteer was Mister Compress himself, who had started this whole mess when he tried to complain to Kurogiri about how Dabi made his "pasta".

(Dabi still refuses to believe that you need water to cook pasta, and insists that that would turn it into soup.)

Delicately, he placed his plate beside Kurogiri's head with a flourish and bowed dramatically. "I present to you, crunchy eggs."

"Mister, what the fuck—"

"—have you never had crunchy eggs before? Can you truly judge it if you've never even had it? Ask yourself—"

"—yes," Kurogiri stressed, "I can definitely judge it. Never purposely put the shell in your eggs again, I am begging you."

Mister huffed, affronted.

"I'm reluctantly giving you a three since your eggs are actually cooked fine so long as you ignore the coating of broken shell."

Mister wasn't sure whether to be pleased or disappointed, considering he'd received the highest grade so far—but only barely, and still clearly a failing grade.

"Two more to go, let's get this over with," Kurogiri said, waving the next person up.

Mister Compress huffed again and gracefully swiped his plate up before gliding over to the winner's corner, as he was now dubbing it, and began to eat his eggs with a fork he'd procured from a marble.

Shigaraki then sighed dramatically and dragged himself up from where he'd been flopped on the other end of the table. Between his arms was a container of tupperware that he'd been using as a headrest. Reluctantly, he slid it over to Kurogiri where it lightly bounced off his head.

Kurogiri picked up his head and cautiously opened the lid to find...a whole egg, uncracked and uncooked.

Kurogiri sighed and said in the most disappointed tone he could muster, "Shigaraki… "

"Squeeze it," he rasped.

"What."

" Squeeze it."

"..."

Very reluctantly, Kurogiri picked up the egg—only to find that it felt much more solid than he expected. "Oh," he said, gently beginning to peel off the shell. "You hard-boiled it."

Shigaraki grunted a confirmation, dropping his head back onto the table.

"That's ... actually very impressive. Ten points, Shigaraki! I'm very proud of you!"

Spinner scoffed, "Favoritism, much?"

"It's gonna be hard to follow that up," Dabi mumbled.

"Go, Big Sis Magne!" Toga cheered, "I believe in you!"

"Me too, me too! I believe in you, too!" Twice shouted, "No way can you beat Shigaraki's!"

Everyone held their breath as Magne stepped forward with a plate lovingly wrapped in tinfoil. Gently, she placed it on the table in front of Kurogiri.

Everyone watched with bated breath as she carefully unwrapped the foil. And then—

There, on the table, was the most beautiful plate of eggs any of them had ever laid their eyes upon. It even had some of that fancy leafy shit placed on top (garnish?). There were also these...weird green flakes? They looked professional. Fancy. Everyone was stunned. Anyone who hadn't already eaten their eggs quickly shovelled them down out of embarrassment.

And all Kurogiri said in response was, "Eleven."

.

.

.

The next day, they were all required to attend basic cooking lessons taught by resident champion chef Magne, who as reward was given free reign of the TV for an entire week.

Kurogiri accepted no arguments on the matter.