Yanli chopped a lotus root with a particularly violent thwack of the knife in her hand.
She very, very carefully did not allow herself to think about or feel anything that was not related to her task. Busying herself with preparing an extra large pot of lotus root and pork rib soup, she determinedly did not think of what happened to the Cloud Recesses.
Certainly, she did not worry about Xichen.
He's fine, she told herself, realising that her attempts to avoid thinking about him weren't working. Xichen is just fine; he's got to be very busy right now, is all.
The knife shook in her trembling hand, and she was forced to set it down.
Bracing herself against the counter, she closed her eyes as she fought off a wave of nausea. Her attempts to avoid thinking about the rumoured attack on Cloud Recesses were not going well. Her attempts to avoid thinking about how long it had been since she'd heard from Xichen were going worse.
A shiver ran through her, and she rubbed her arms absently, trying to warm herself from a chill that had nothing to do with the weather.
I just want to hear from him, she thought. Just a sentence to let me know he's safe.
It did not help that A-Cheng and A-Xian would be going to Qishan soon for "Re-education" under the Wen Sect. Her little brothers would be going into terrible danger, and she had no idea whether her best friend was even still alive.
He's much more than a friend, and you know it. Just because nothing was spoken between you yet, doesn't change the way you care for each other.
All at once, it was all she could do not to cry.
Because the truth was, as hard as she'd tried not to fall for Xichen until she knew for certain whether her feelings could be returned, it was already too late.
Lán Xīchén was everything she never knew she needed, and all she could have ever wanted.
And she loved him.
In spite of all her efforts to keep him from creeping into the section of her garden reserved for romance, tiny shoots had pushed through the soil and sprung up anyway. Now, in the face of the very real possibility of losing him; not just as a prospective romantic partner, but from her life entirely, she could no longer feign ignorance to the small buds opening within her.
She could only hope that she had not accepted her own feelings too late.
With a shudder, she steeped herself against the creeping heartache. Opening her eyes and straightening her back, she returned to her task.
Her brothers would be leaving for Qishan in the morning; so she intended to prepare many snacks for their journey and feed them well before they left.
And if a small corner of her heart felt bitter and hateful towards the Wens who had not only demanded this of them, but also attacked and burned Xichen's home?
Then that was something she would never admit to anyone aloud.
Sweeping sweaty hair from her A-Xian's face, Yanli drew in a shaky breath. Reminded herself that he was healing; the doctor had assured them he would recover with no lasting effects.
None, that is, save for the mark branded into his chest.
She gritted her teeth in fury at the knowledge that her A-Xian, her precious little brother, was now permanently scarred. That no matter what happened, he would bear the symbol of the Wen Sect for the rest of his life; burned deep into his skin with a spiritual tool that would not allow it to be healed without leaving the mark of it behind.
Tears burned her eyes at the thought of how much her sweet boy had suffered. How brave and honourable he'd been in the face of injustice and cruelty; yet also how desperate and afraid he must have been beneath all his bravado.
Forcing herself to relax, to breathe deeply in and out, she calmed. Reaching back into the bowl of water for the wet cloth she'd been using, she wrung it out and continued to wipe his forehead, cooling his fever and cleaning away his sweat.
Tried not to think of whether anyone had needed to care for Xichen like this. Whether anyone had even been able to.
Whether he'd been left with his own scars; whether he, too, had suffered alone.
If he, like his younger brother in Jiāng Chang's accounts of their experiences in Qishan, was injured and forced to continue without proper treatment.
No matter what, she refused to think about the possibility that he was beyond treatment.
She couldn't bear it if he were dead. She couldn't; she could only refuse to acknowledge the thought and pray.
Pray that he was safe; that he was well, and whole, and above all; pray that he lived.
Sitting in the boat with her father while they headed to drop her off with her mother's family in Meishan Yu on their way to Jinlintai, she listened as he conversed quietly with Yao-zhongzhou.
Anxiousness filled her over what she knew of the situation; at the thought of what might be coming for her home; her Sect, her people; her friends, parents, and brothers.
Never had her weak cultivation been so frustrating to her.
The fear for them that consumed her, the despair at being such a liability in the face of danger that she had to be sent away to safety rather than being able to offer her loved ones any form of help or protection; all of it burned in a way it never had before.
She felt helpless, useless; worthless. Good for nothing, unable to do anything to help anyone she cared for.
Please, she prayed. Please let them all be alright. Let all this worry be for nothing; don't let anything happen to them. Please.
Please, let them live.
She was still in Meishan when she heard the news about Lotus Pier. About the destruction of her Sect and her home.
No survivors.
The words were a knife in her heart, and she fell to the ground, scarcely able to breathe through the overwhelming pain of it.
A-Dei. A-Naing. My parents; oh, my parents.
The servants; my friends. The disciples; the little ones.
My people; my home; my family.
All she could do was weep. Weep and sob and wail and weep. Praying desperately as she cried; pleading to the gods for it not to be true. For someone to have escaped.
Not my brothers. Please, please, please. Not them. Please let them be alive; please. I can't go on if they're dead. What do I have to live for if everyone I love is gone?
She didn't know what she would do if she truly was the only one left.
She didn't want to find out.
The relief she felt with A-Cheng's arms around her was indescribable.
She'd heard rumours of his survival; but there was no confirmation greater than to hold him close and feel the warm, solid bulk of him clutching her once again.
Clinging to him, she sobbed out all of her terror, her grief, her helpless, hopeless fear.
It was cleansing, releasing it all with the knowledge that she was not completely alone.
The lack of A-Xian's presence made her stomach clench in nausea, and she couldn't bring herself to ask about him. Not yet.
Not when the answer might be enough to break her all over again.
For now, she would focus on A-Cheng; on her gratitude for his safety and continued wellbeing. Focus on the brother who was here, rather than dwell on the one who was not.
When she thought of A-Xian, it would be the same way she thought of Xichen.
He's alive. I know he is. Out there, somewhere; in need of rescue perhaps; but alive. Alive and safe and whole. And he'll come back. They both will. Soon.
They'll both come back to me soon.
And when they do, I'll tell them that I love them. Both of them.
A/N: This is it so far for this prompt!
I know it's not the happiest place to end it; but it's intended to leave off on a hopeful note - she's got JC back, and she's refusing to stop hoping that WWX and LXC are still out there. We know from Canon they'll both be back; so I figured that it was a more positive note than continuing on into the Sunshot campaign would be.
From the beginning, this was always where I meant to end it - each fic starting from the beginning of their friendship, then moving on to them recognizing and accepting the feelings they've developed for each other, and making plans to confess.
These two fics were all I plotted out when I first filled it; I've since come up with an outline for more to be written later, but I'll post those as additional fics in the series. The first chapter of the next fic will be up soon - it's called 'As The Sun Goes Down'. For now, I have this fic and the first one - "Yours Upon Reflection", and WIPs, 'LBG&S Side Stories & Shorts' (Which contains a ton of my MDZS HCs; most for this series but some are just my MDZS HCs in general), and 'Letters From Wei Ying To Lan Zhan & Back' (Which contains the letters sent between WangXian in this verse).
Thanks for following me on this journey!