Hi guys! Welcome back to my fic, To Be Forever Faithful! I haven't updated it since 2003, but I would like to try and work on it now. It will be slow-moving because I'm in college now, but I do intend to finish this eventually. There's still quite a lot of story left, so stay tuned!

Disclaimer: I still do not own Lord of the Rings…how sad. I would have made a set of movies about the Silmarillion by now if I had.

ooOoo

To Be Forever Faithful

By: Ponytail Goddess

Chapter 24: The Secret

Deep in the heart of the forest, away from all peeping eyes, laid two shadowy figures underneath a silvery mallorn. Trying to get comfortable in the dirt, Belegwen squirmed a bit, drawing herself even nearer to Haldir's body, cuddling against him so closely that she could feel his hot skin against her naked body once more. Her soft, silver hair flowed free from its usual bindings and gleamed as it caught the moonlight every so often, blowing freely in the wind and onto Haldir's arm.

Sliding her hand down his muscular chest, Belegwen marveled at the memory of what had occurred between them tonight. At her age, it was rare to experience something completely new, but she had never experienced what they had done together on this night. She never thought she would either and was still somewhat shocked that it had happened so quickly and unexpectedly.

Oh, how wonderful it had been though! Truly, there was nothing like it! The feelings he had created within her while touching all of her being had been exquisite and powerful. She had reveled in his touch and the closeness of him, her affection for him finally being returned in this most intimate and loving act. No, he had not been able to hide his emotions as he usually did in their moments of bliss, but had poured them out with kisses, generous touches, and heartfelt stares.

Even now that it had ended, Belegwen still felt close to him, as though the two were connected in some way. Indeed, this was how two elves married after saying their vows, but they had taken no vows before Eru Iluvatar, nor had they even vocally admitted their love to one another. Surely that meant they had not bonded with one another, right?

Wondering if Haldir was thinking about the same thing as she, Belegwen gently tipped her head up to look at his face. She frowned at what she saw. He was staring straight upward at the stars, wearing an expression on his face that did not show any sort of joy or warmth from their recent union. In fact, he looked rather perplexed, as if he was trying to work something out in his mind.

Softly, she moved her head forward and kissed his neck tenderly. Feeling his grip around her body tighten, she once again tried to study his face, only to find it unchanged. Trying to draw some sort of reaction out of him, her hand compassionately touched the far side of his face and tilted it towards her. As his blue eyes caught her own and held them, she momentarily forgot what she was trying to do. It was just him and her, together, in this moment forever.

Finally, her lips almost touching his, she murmured, "Haldir, what ails you?" She was amazed when he smiled softly at her and rolled onto his side, kissing her gently once more.

He looked down her body once again with obvious wonder, then back up to her face. There seemed to be a slightly nervous energy about him, a side of him she had never witnessed prior to this night. From what little Belegwen knew of Haldir, she understood that he was a very private ellon who did not like to share his thoughts and emotions with anyone, not even his brothers, from what she had gathered. He had opened up so wonderfully to her tonight though, not with words, but in touch. She desperately hoped that he would not close himself off to her now that the moment was over.

"Nothing ails me," he whispered back, "I was just looking at the stars. I rarely have the time to admire their beauty."

Belegwen chuckled softly. "I know the truth of that statement all too well." Her face got serious then as she continued to look at him and stroke his face. "But I know your thoughts ran deeper than that. Do tell me what is on your mind. Put your trust in me and I shall not let you down."

Haldir studied her face seriously for a few long moments first, as if trying to decide whether or not she truly was trustworthy. Sighing, he made his decision and said, "If you must know, I was thinking about the Ainur and the creation of this world."

She became perplexed and could not stop herself from responding, as she rolled onto her stomach. "What has triggered such interesting thinking at a time like this?"

Propping himself up on one shoulder, he questioned, "Do you not wonder how the world could have turned out differently if one historical event had been different? It is amazing how one seemingly innocent thing can change everything and make things complicated for generations to come."

"How so? What event do you speak of?" Belegwen asked, smiling as his hand softly slid down her back with care.

"I am referring to the song of the Ainur and Melkor's own creative additions. What if Eru Iluvatar had not allowed him to add that which was not part of his great plan to create the world? There would be no evil in the world today and the time of the elves would not have to come to an end here-"

"But we would be out of a job." Belegwen said with a small chuckle, carefully flipping onto her back again to look at the stars. "The world would be a kinder place if it were true."

"If we did not have our jobs though," Haldir started, "We could…" But he did not finish his sentence and both elves became silent. Belegwen knew that what they had just done went against the rules for wardens and was considered socially unacceptable amongst the elves. They had no courtship, nor did they utter any vows to one another. There were no golden wedding bands adorning their fingers. It was unheard of for two elves to come together without having gone through the wedding ceremony, but then again, their situation was not exactly a common one either.

"Belegwen…" Haldir whispered, sitting up and pulling her onto him so that she was sitting upon his lap. He looked straight into her eyes with a seriousness that immediately filled her with dread. "You do realize this must be kept a secret, do you not? If another elf or warden was to find out about this, we would both lose our status as marchwardens, and possibly much more."

A deep, unyielding sadness filled Belegwen. She knew he spoke words of truth, but she did not want to accept it. After all of these years, she had finally found something wonderful, but it was out of her reach. It had to be hidden from the world, as if their affection, or whatever it might be, was a thing of shame. She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his, a frown replacing her joyful smile from earlier. "I understand."

Then, without another word, the moment was over. Belegwen got up and started to pull on her breaches, while looking around the lush green foliage for her undershirt and tunic. All the while, she could feel his eyes on her, burning through her very being.

Mentally, she was screaming at herself, "Why, why did you do this?!" This was pointless and now she would never be able to look at him without thinking about the failed relationship between them. Apparently, it was not meant to be. Surely, this was not love! It was not anything at all! It was folly! It was-

But then, there was his voice.

"Belegwen…"

And his arms.

She felt him grab her tightly from behind as she worked her undershirt over her torso, not bothering to tuck it in as she nearly burst into tears from the pain of it all. Belegwen squeezed her eyes shut, clutching her tunic in her arms tightly, not knowing what to do or say or feel. With her head bent down in shame, he held her in silence.

ooOoo

For the first time in his long time, Haldir did not know what to do. Long had he dealt with his wardens and he had learned much from his experiences leading them, but he had very few experiences with romance and none of them had been at this caliber. Like a fish out of water, he did not know how to deal with the situation. Belegwen had obviously gotten the wrong idea of his intentions because she was quite obviously upset and it was eating away at him because it was his fault.

He had wanted the previous moment to last forever: him and her together, naked, tangled in each other's arms in the dirt with the stars shining down upon them. Being with her and allowing her to see his feelings had given him such a feeling of freedom. Freedom, mixed with something else that he did not understand. Even though he did not know what to say, he knew he could not let her leave like this, thinking he had taken advantage of her in some way. That was not what had happened at all.

Somehow, he finally managed to stutter out a few words, all while drawing her even closer to his chest. "Just… just because it must be a secret, it does not mean… it does not mean that it is something I dare not pursue."

Slowly, she turned around in his arms so that she faced him and then grasped the sides of his face with her hands and looked into his eyes, desperately looking for some speck of truth in his words, trying to read him though he doubted his face would give much away to her. Her blue eyes dug into his own with great power and determination though, striving to find exactly what she was looking for. Her lip quivered a bit as she drew away, turning away him, but then turning back with a smile on her face.

"You are sincere." She whispered. A smile touched the corners of his lips as he grabbed her up for a kiss. She returned it with equal ardor, her hands grasping at his face all the while. The two broke apart breathlessly and stared at the other, reveling in their mutual feelings of ardor. Satisfied with their reconciliation, Haldir went off to find his clothes.

He quickly found his breaches, undershirt, and tunic. Making haste, he had them on in no time. He sent a fleeting glance towards Belegwen, simply to make sure that his previous words had been forgiven, only to see something else. As she slid her arms into the sleeves of her tunic, he noticed large bruises on each of her wrists unlike any he had seen before. Surprised at the injury, he walked over to her, grabbed one of her covered arms and pulled the sleeve back for a closer look before she could object.

Silence ensued.

All of the sounds of the forest life slowly crept back into his ears as they both stared at her wrist. He could feel that she was not at ease. Finally, he found himself asking, "Did I do this to you?"

"No, no, you did not hurt me. I-I have simply overexerted myself today with the sword!" She quickly answered, looking at him with uneasy eyes. He feared that this was not the truth, but he dared not pursue the subject any longer, as she looked rather uneasy. Had he done that to her during the throws of pleasure? He did not remember holding her by the wrists, but everything had happened so quickly that he was not certain that he had not either. Deciding that it must have been him, he silently promised himself to be more careful with her next time.

Wait a second, next time? Had he really already mentally planned a next time? He was both enraged at himself for breaking the rules and invigorated at the thought of…well, whatever this was. He desperately wanted to call it romance, but the word simply did not seem to fit. He had courted a few ellyth a great many years ago and he had considered that romance, but it had never grown into anything of substance. This, on the other hand, seemed to have endless possibilities, despite the fact that it was quite illegal. It was deep and heartfelt too, unlike anything that had passed between him and an elleth in the past.

Was this feeling love? Was this what it felt like to fall in love with an elleth? Could this have really happened to him after all of these long years? Haldir did not know. He did know that he had erred greatly because of the warden's rules though and was growing more and more concerned with the issue as the night went on.

Had he ruined his life by having this special moment with Belegwen?

Again, he did not know. Almost reflexively, he grabbed Belegwen's arm and started heading back towards Caras Galadhon in silence while dark thoughts started to brew in his mind.

ooOoo

It was a very interesting feeling, having one's arm held, Belegwen decided as she and Haldir walked back to Caras Galadhon through the forest. It made her feel proper, as if she was part of a real courtship, despite the fact that this was anything but that. Honestly, she was not too certain of his intentions, though his eyes had shown an honest desire for her company. What sort of company did Marchwarden Haldir truly desire from her? She did not wish to be a mere friend or acquaintance. No, what she felt for him was much deeper than that. She could not have a rightful relationship or marriage with him though, considering the circumstances. So, what was it? She knew that in the moment, she had felt as though she had bound herself to him, but now she was not so sure if that had really been the case.

Belegwen feared that if they really were to fall in love, one of them would have to quit being a warden in order to have a proper marriage. She knew Haldir would not quit, for he had been commanding the wardens for far too long to give up his position and rank. Besides, he loved his job; everyone knew that. At the same time, she knew she would not be able to either. She had come so far up the ranks and had worked and suffered to gain the respect of her fellow wardens. Belegwen simply could not give that up for the life a common elleth. She knew nothing about maintaining a talan, sewing, or elflings. If she tried it, she would not only fail terribly, but would also be living in the shadow of what she could be: a great warrior and leader.

No, she could not give it up. Not ever.

Upon arriving back in Caras Galadhon, Haldir released her arm and began to keep his distance from her. This made Belegwen's heart sink, as if it was weighed down by an anchor. There was no hope for this situation, absolutely no hope at all.

As she began to climb up the stairs to her room, she heard him give a few last-minute orders to her. "Get up bright and early tomorrow; we are leading the border patrol for the next fortnight. Also, put some salve on those wrists before you sleep."

With that said, he turned around and left to attend to his own business. The Marchwarden was fully back now, leaving no trace of ellon she had given herself to only an hour ago. Belegwen lowered her head sadly and plodded up the stairs to do as he said.

ooOoo

Edited by P.G. on 05/24/20.

Ouch! So, what did you think? Feedback would be greatly appreciated because I feel like I'm not really writing in the same style that I was before. I do not plan on changing my original plan for the story's outcome, but my writing style has changed over the years, so opinions are very welcome and very much appreciated. Let me know if it fits with the story's previous style or not. Thank you and have a great day (and a Merry Christmas!)!

-P.G.