Welcome back to TBFF! I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of the readers and reviewers who enjoyed Chapter 34. I'm overjoyed that people are still enjoying the fic, even after all this time. Please enjoy my latest installment.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and will not make any money off my writing.
ooOoo
To Be Forever Faithful
By Ponytail Goddess
Chapter 35: Leave-Taking
Haldir's eyes opened. Above him was a plethora of golden leaves; the shine of the sun reflected off their glittery edges and nearly blinded him with their bright sheen. The tips of the lowest leaves brushed across his face, leaving a light tickling sensation. The wind blew roughly through their midst and lightly cooled his face.
He could not move. Panic immediately filled Haldir's heart as he tried to pull his arms and legs away from the talan floor. He could not seem to get them away from the uncomfortable position they were sprawled in. Even his head would not turn; it too was stuck to the floor rather unceremoniously. When his lips failed to move while trying to call for help, Haldir knew he was in trouble.
All he had were his eyes and they moved back and forth vigorously, trying to check for any danger that might be surrounding him. Now the world around him felt a little too calm and a little too quiet for his liking. Something was afoot—he didn't know how he knew it, but he did.
An indefinite amount of time passed where Haldir just laid on the ground, fully alert and poised for action, should his mysterious paralysis wear off. Knowing better than to relax, Haldir waited patiently for something to happen.
He was not disappointed. A while later, the sound of nearly silent steps could be heard from the other side of the talan. Haldir tensed up a bit, not knowing how he would defend himself if attacked.
A shadow crawled across his face, blocking the sun. For a moment, he could not see the face in the shade, but then it became all too clear.
Orophin.
He was staring at Orophin.
His brother did not look like his normal self. Usually, his face had a casual, carefree nature to it. Now, it was darkened with malice. Upon seeing a malevolent gleam in his eyes, Haldir tried to move again.
He couldn't escape. The invisible bonds held him tightly and he could not free himself. Blood pumped through his veins faster as the face came towards him.
Orophin knelt down beside him and his stringy blonde hair brushed Haldir's cheeks. His face came closer and closer to his own. Haldir tried to roll away several times, but he was stuck!
Then, as a hand wrapped around his neck harshly, eerily soft words were whispered in his ear.
"You are not coming home, Haldir. Not coming-"
"Home!" Haldir abruptly said as he shot into a sitting position.
After a quick glance around the darkened room, he realized he had merely been dreaming. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath to relax himself.
A warm hand brushed his side and lingered there. Haldir turned around and looked into Belegwen's questioning eyes, which were now as aware as his own. He still felt a bit shaken from his dream though and chose to lay back down beside her in silence.
He stared at the darkened ceiling for a long time, while thoughts concerning his dream scurried through his head. Vaguely, he felt her small fingers turning circles upon his chest.
"Was it a dream?" He heard her ask.
"Yes," he whispered, still staring straight ahead, as if entranced by the ceiling.
"Do you wish to speak of it?"
"Nay," he replied, feeling numb, as if he were a human freezing in the cold.
It made no sense at all, this new obsession of his with the deceased. Had the lady's mirror truly haunted him so much that he could not get the image out of his thoughts? Was he truly predicting his own death or had all the tension of the impending battle inspired a fit of madness within him?
When one was as old as he, there were very few things one did not understand. However, this was truly beyond his comprehension. It was beyond the lady's as well. He doubted that any soul could actually interpret such a vision and he was frightened by that knowledge.
His dreams for the future all seemed very far away now and out of his reach.
Belegwen was out of his reach.
"It is almost daybreak," she murmured suddenly, interrupting his thought process. "This is all so sudden."
Haldir pursed his lips for a second before replying. "Indeed."
"While I shall gladly accept my duty to the lord and lady, I am not ready to leave this talan, nor this bed."
Haldir felt his heart hardening, as he knew it would when it came time to part ways. It was a method of self-preservation at this point, as he knew that too many thoughts about love would only serve to distract him and inhibit his battle skills.
"Alas, our duty is not to ourselves, but to others: to the weak, who cannot defend themselves and to this land, where our race has both thrived and dwindled. Our calling is clear and it is time for us to put that which is between us aside for a time."
He heard her take a deep breath against him, before she replied rather darkly. "Indeed."
Gently, he pulled away from her and rose from the bed. Clad in darkness, he cleaned himself off and then slowly started to dress for the journey. As he went to put on his armor, a hand stilled his own.
Piece by piece, Belegwen carefully attired him. Each piece of armor was placed on him and tightened to perfection as she worked in silence. When he was fully clad, she directed him onto his knees and brushed his hair, stroke after stroke, until it was smooth as satin. Then, she took his golden stands and wove them into tight warrior braids; the type that were strong enough to stay in for weeks at a time, if necessary.
He knew that everything she did for him was done out of love.
Unrequited love.
Her actions made him feel very selfish, for she could show him everything she felt without words, yet he could not say what she desperately needed to hear. How could he not have seen it before? Belegwen would not simply say how she felt. She was generally a private elleth who only held a few friends close to herself. Even fewer were the ones she chose to trust. It was not her way to make declarations of love.
Instead, she chose to show him. She did not need words to convey what she felt. It was all said in the tenderness of her actions and the gentleness of her hands.
How selfish he was, to keep his own feelings so closely to himself. Did she not deserve the same courtesy in return? Why could he not bring himself to say those three tiny words?
He knew very well why. It would complicate things and make their separation even harder than it already would be. On one hand, if Belegwen did not return his love for her, Haldir knew he would fade again. That was a risk he could not take when being charged with the responsibility of leading the army into battle.
If she did return his affections though, which seemed very likely now, something much worse might happen.
Though he had tried not to dwell on it, Haldir knew there was a possibility that his death might kill her too. He was no stranger to the stories he had heard and occasionally witnessed. He had indeed seen a warden die on the border and then later heard about how his wife had passed away as well, dying from the despair of the unnatural death. It seemed the spouses of the dead would sometimes follow them into the Halls of Mandos, unable to separate themselves from the powerful bond of love they had created during their lives.
If Belegwen knew he loved her, would that fate be hers too? After all, their bond seemed to be mimicking that of a married couple, even though they had not made any vows. Haldir could not bear the idea of his death being hers as well. He simply could not allow that to happen.
It was with much regret that Haldir decided to wait. It was not a good time for such a declaration, no matter how much he wanted to make it. His duty had always been placed before his heart in the past and he saw no reason to discontinue doing so now. It was in her best interest for him to wait and so wait he would.
Trying his best not to dwell on the situation any longer, Haldir simply stopped thinking about it and took a moment to enjoy the sensation of her braiding his hair. It was over much too quickly. Looking in her mirror, he saw that she had done a good job too. "She must only struggle to braid her own hair." He thought to himself as he quickly looked over her work.
Ready to face all of Arda, Haldir turned to face her one more time. He caught her eyes for a moment before she looked down at the floor dejectedly. Frowning at the dark look he had seen upon her face, he softened for a moment and took her hands in his own, holding them loosely between their tense bodies.
He did not know how long they stood there with the heavy silence beating down upon them; it could have been mere minutes or perhaps decades. All he knew in those moments was the seriousness of what had passed between them and their unified concern for what was yet to come.
Her hold on his hands abruptly tightened, causing him to look directly at her. She stared back, her eyes filled with an intensity that almost frightened him.
"This is not goodbye," she whispered deeply, her voice filled with emotion.
Haldir returned her squeeze with vigor. "No," he said quietly, then leaned down and kissed her lightly on her brow. "It is not."
Then, with a swirl of his cape, Haldir turned and exited his room before he lost his nerve. He had a duty to carry out and he could not let these emotions get in the way of it.
ooOoo
Chaos was the only word that could accurately summarize the situation in Caras Galadhon.
Normally, Belegwen would not have associated such a word with the elven lifestyle, as it was a contradiction at the very least. Today was not a typical day in elven life though and it clearly showed by the sheer amount of elves in the streets, preparing for their leave-taking.
While the crowd was not wild or out of sorts, as a crowd of men would have been, the streets of the city were not made to accommodate so many elves, horses, and wagons at once. Ellyth were flitting through the crowd of wardens, filling travel packs and desperately clinging to those whom they cared for dearly.
Belegwen found she was very happy that there were many things for her to do, as she knew her thoughts about Haldir and the last night they spent together would drive her to lunacy if she was left alone. He had become so cold that morning and she did not know how to deal with the way he shut himself off from her. She knew he had done it to get his head back into his duty, but it had hurt her to not have a proper goodbye the way the other wardens were.
Everywhere she looked, there seemed to be couples bidding one another heartfelt goodbyes. Belegwen had spent the first part of her morning watching them embracing as if they would never let go of one another and kissing each other desperately, as if it might be their last time. She had heard so many of them overcome with emotions, proclaiming their love to each other and allowing tears to fall freely as they embraced and then bid goodbye to their families. Their partings were full of sorrow and love.
Belegwen did not understand why she and Haldir had not been able to part ways in a similar manner. Granted, they would be together for the whole trip, but not as they had been in the city. As he had said earlier, "It is time for us to put that which is between us aside for a time." There would be no arms lovingly wrapped around her, passionate explorations under the stars, or still moments where she watched him sleep for months. He would be there with her, but it certainly would not be the same.
A maddening part of her could hardly bear to watch the scene unfolding in the streets. Jealousy was not an emotion Belegwen was accustomed to, but she found herself tangled in its terrible clutches on this particular morning. Distraught by the couples around her, she had found herself searching for something to distract her from the memory of her icy parting from Haldir.
Therefore, she found herself sitting in one of the many packed wagons working, trying her best to ignore the heartfelt goodbyes that were taking place around her. She checked off the items on her inventory sheet one by one while Linedhel, the healer who would be traveling with them to Helm's Deep, checked for each item she listed off to him.
Linedhel was a very stern elf who always looked serious and ready to work; the type who seemed as though he never had a bit of fun. He was the obvious choice for the journey, however, as he had been a trained warden before studying healing.
"The black alder leaves are not here; I shall go request them from Eltirwen. Wait here," he said, sounding annoyed with himself for having made a small mistake. Belegwen watched as he stormed off into the crowd.
Belegwen sighed and hopped off the wagon, quickly looking through the multitude for a familiar face. A few wardens stopped and asked for directions to the ranks and she gave them, sending them deeper into the host of Eldar.
Alone once more, she quietly wondered what Haldir was doing. She had not seen him at all since they had woken up. She had a feeling that he was with Lord Celeborn going over last minute details and reviewing strategies before they left.
Next to her, quiet goodbyes were going on between a father and his grown daughter, an elleth Belegwen had once known. "Miriel," she thought to herself as she watched her hug and kiss her father with tears in her eyes. "Her name is Miriel."
They had been friends once, a long time ago when she was still an elfling living with her parents. Back then, she had dressed up dolls with her, long before she had dreamt of joining the wardens.
The friendship had not lasted more than ten years after her parents' passing. No one had wanted to be friends with the elleth who wished she was an elf. Still, the few memories she had of her childhood innocence were cherished, as she remembered being quite happy with her family during her first years of life.
She frowned as she watched tears flow freely from Miriel's eyes. Belegwen turned away, as it was more than she could bear. Despair lingered in the air like the permeating stench of orcs piled high and burning. While she had tried her best to ignore it, it was still there, lurking everywhere she looked.
Though all of the elves were well-trained, all knew and understood the perils of war. All were aware that any number of them may not return from this long journey. For some, this would be their last goodbye.
Wearily, Belegwen found herself thinking of her own parents and what they would have thought about her going off to war like this. She could not imagine them approving of her actions, though she found them necessary. Their untimely deaths had sparked within her a great need to protect those who could not defend themselves, even at the cost of her own life.
She was the last member of her family still living. If she died, they would all be gone. It would be as if they had never been there at all-
"Marchwarden Belegwen?" a voice asked, accompanied by a touch to her shoulder.
Belegwen drew in a quick breath and looked up to see Heledhril's emerald eyes shining down on her. He did not ask her if she was all right, but she could tell just by the look on his face that he was concerned about her.
"Yes Heledhril?" she asked back, feeling thankful that her voice was not laced with emotion as she had feared it would be.
"Lord Celeborn has asked to see you. He is waiting for you at the entrance of the lady's eastern gardens," he said, pointing down the street towards the entrance that was lined with blue and white blossoms. Indeed, the lord of Lothlorien was standing there. His eyes met Belegwen's and he gave her a gentle nod.
"Will you stay here in my stead and finish the inventory with Linedhel?" Belegwen asked, looking uncertainly from her list to the gate again.
"Certainly, Marchwarden. Show me where you left off," he said, taking the list and quill from her outstretched hands.
"We are on black alder; Linedhel went to fetch some. I imagine he will be back shortly."
Heledhril nodded and gave her a quick salute as she started on her way. Belegwen weaved through the crowd patiently, a little worried about the reception she was about to receive from the lord who might as well have been a second father to her.
After struggling through many elves who had not moved out of the way for her, Belegwen found herself face to face with Lord Celeborn. Today, the lord was dressed in white robes that had been spun with silver threads, giving them a bright sheen in the early morning light. Green leaves were embroidered the breasts of the robes, also shiny with hints of silver.
Belegwen smiled at him when she arrived in front of him. "My lord," she said in greeting, quickly going down on one knee as the wardens often did and saluting him with her fist to her chest.
"Belegwen," he replied, touching her shoulder gently. Though she was not looking at him, she knew he was frowning. He did not like for her to bend down before him, though they both knew her duty called her to it.
Slowly, she stood up and met Lord Celeborn's eyes. He looked happy to see her for a second, but then his face fell once again. Belegwen immediately found herself worried about the tidings this meeting would bring.
"Walk with me," he said, offering her his arm. She took it gingerly and fell into step with him as they entered the softly lit haven of plants. They walked in silence, Belegwen taking in all the sights as they circled around on the path. The air was still a bit misty even with the first rays of the sun shining down through the mellyrn. Taller bushes full of buds and blossoms rose out of the morning mist, facing the sun as if greeting a long lost friend.
"Galadriel has seen more in her mirror; the shadow grows in Mordor even as we speak. They are putting together an army there, one that will be much larger than we have anticipated."
Belegwen stopped walking and looked Celeborn straight in the eye. "What are you trying to say, my lord?"
Celeborn looked away and the shadow of a mallorn tree darkened his face. "Our chances of winning this battle are low. Even with those from Imladris and the Edain, our numbers are still marginal in comparison to the host that will be awaiting us. Do not let it become common knowledge, but I fear this is not a battle we can win."
"Why do you still send us then?" Belegwen asked softly, trying not to let fear enter her heart.
"They will be massacred without us," Celeborn said, his eyes glittering with sadness. "There are women and children there too, babies even. The orcs and uruk-hai will not give them a second glance before removing them from this world."
"We go to give them hope," Belegwen whispered, more to herself than to Celeborn. "I understand."
She watched as Celeborn stared at the stone pathway for a while. Belegwen knew what was coming, but stayed quiet nonetheless as she watched him contemplate the words he would say.
Lord Celeborn's sadness seemed to grow as he looked up at her. Gently, he put his hands on her shoulders and sighed. "You know I wish you would stay. I will not ask you though, as I already know your answer."
Belegwen smiled as she saw tears form in his eyes. "It is my honor and my privilege to fight for the freedom of this world. It is my duty, my lord, and I cannot turn my back on it. It gladdens me that you finally understand."
"Long have I wished that you would be another Celebrian to me, a little elleth to look after. Alas, it was not meant to be and I should not have expected it of you, my dear. Can you forgive me, my dearest Belegwen?" he asked sincerely, looking as though he truly needed to hear the answer. He opened his arms to her.
Smiling, she gently leaned into his warm arms and cherished the feeling of being embraced. "There is nothing to forgive," she murmured into his delicate satin robes.
He pulled her a bit tighter against him, causing his silver tresses to tickle Belegwen's nose as she breathed in his soft cologne, which smelled like the pine trees of the northern lands. "I love you," he said gruffly, his voice filled with emotion. "Do be careful and know that you will never be far from my thoughts."
"I will," Belegwen said softly, her lips moving against his arm before she pulled away to look him in the eyes. This was the elf who had all but taken her departed adar's place. He had given her a home when she had nowhere else to go and had schooled her in the ways of the elves. No one had cared for her as much as Celeborn had for the majority of her life.
"I shall do my best to return to you," she said, giving his hand one last squeeze before totally letting go of him.
Celeborn was blinking away tears. "Go now. You should go find your spot in the formation. I will be there in a little while to send you off."
Belegwen bowed and saluted before looking at him one last time. "Goodbye, my lord."
"Goodbye," he answered emotionally, turning away from her so she would not see his tears. Quietly, she turned away and slowly walked out of the garden, only turning back once at the gates to savor the beauty of it for what she thought might be the very last time.
ooOoo
Rumil watched Haldir, his eyes scrutinizing his every move, waiting for his signal. The moment Haldir's fist went over his heart, Rumil copied the pose, as did every warden standing in the ranks outside the city.
A sizable gathering stood around their formation, watching in silence as they simultaneously bowed their heads for the prayer Lord Celeborn was about to bestow upon them.
Rumil closed his eyes and let the words wash over him like a fresh spring rain. "Great and wise Valar, you have blessed this world with many gifts. Our wardens march to defend these gifts today.
"Tulkas, please send them strength and intelligence in war. Stay with our wardens and guide them to make the right strategic choices so that they might return once more to their homes in Lorien."
"Orome, please guide the hunts of our wardens and help them to catch nourishing food when it is needed. Also, give them the speed to travel the long distance to their destination in a timely manner."
"In the same way, Yavanna, please provide our wardens with the fruits and vegetables they need for nourishment along the way. The health of our wardens is important to their performance while protecting Arda."
"Este, please help our wardens find safe places to relax and relieve themselves of their many burdens for short periods of time. Wipe their weariness away so they might fully concentrate on the goal before them."
"Nienna, please comfort our wardens and give them hope, both in life and in death, if fate so chooses. Please also send hope to the wardens' loved ones, who will await their arrival patiently from Lorien."
"Varda, please light the path of our wardens, by day with the sun and by night with the stars. Please shine light on their foes so they might be seen more clearly."
"And Manwe, please bless their journey and help the wardens succeed in protecting all that you and the Valar strove to create whilst in our world. Guide them in the ways of light and help them fulfill their destinies under the watchful eyes of Eru Iluvatar, for we are his people and wish to protect all that he has blessed us with. Many thanks be to those in Valinor!"
"Aye!" replied the voices of every ellon and elleth in the valley.
All heads rose up amongst the ranks. Rumil's eyes immediately returned to Haldir, awaiting further instruction. He watched as Haldir bowed before the lord and lady, as was traditional during a leave-taking ceremony. Haldir then returned to the front of the ranks and nodded at Belegwen, who nodded back in tradition to signify that the ranks were ready for departure.
Rumil watched as the two interchanged with one another, but was disappointed when he saw no hint of shared love between them. He silently concluded that they must be excellent at keeping their secret and had become accustomed to hiding their feelings. This made sense, as he knew Haldir rarely ever expressed his personal emotions. Rumil knew that Belegwen was the same. After all, she had kept her immense suffering over Haldir a secret until he had coaxed it out of her nearly seven fortnights after Haldir had stormed off to the borders.
Idly, Rumil wondered exactly how long this romance had been going on between the two. Merciful shores, had that been why Belegwen received the honor of being second in command?
Rumil could hardly bear the thought of Haldir giving out such a prominent position in return for sexual favors. It was unlike him to do anything that was not to the advantage of Lorien. He did not think Haldir would do such a thing.
Still, there was something there. Rumil needed to know what had happened between them to create this sort of relationship. He also wanted to know how serious they were about each other. Perhaps their mutual need for comfort had been the only thing that brought them together.
Perhaps not though. Rumil did not know, but he could not stop thinking about it. He knew that if anyone else saw what he had witnessed the previous night, all the evils of Mordor would be set loose among the wardens.
Rumil grimaced as they started to march forward upon Haldir's command. He knew this journey across the lands of Arda would be torture, as his mind was filled with horrific accusations and fears about his brother and friend. He could not rid himself of them and knew he would not until he acquired some answers.
ooOoo
Celeborn watched with fear in his heart as the ranks of wardens marched away from them bravely towards the borders of the Lothlorien woods. Many of them had been his students at one point in time. He had watched them grow up centuries and millennia ago.
He knew Galadriel could feel his desolation. A moment later her hand gently slid into his own. Then, her murmured words echoed through his head.
"There is hope yet, Celeborn. Do not despair."
They stood in silence for a time, watching as the last of the wardens climbed up the highest of hills and then disappeared behind the opposite side. As they watched the last few ranks disappear over the hilltop, Celeborn knew what information his wife was waiting to hear.
"I did not tell her," he replied to her unspoken question. He felt greater hopelessness upon admitting this, as he still was not certain if he had made the right choice.
"Sometimes it is best to let things take their natural course," she replied, this time out loud.
Together, they stood and watched the gathering of elves disperse amongst the forest paths which led back to their grand city. Once everyone had left them, Galadriel laid one of her pale hands upon his cheek.
"My love, when the time comes, she will not fail them. It is her destiny," Galadriel said, peering into his eyes serenely.
"Her destiny is accompanied by the fall of another," Celeborn whispered, knowing that she would understand the implication behind his fear.
"Nothing is certain yet," she said, then brushed her lips against his cheek. "Hope is not lost."
"I will not stop fretting over this until they have returned safely to Lothlorien," Celeborn replied while stroking her hand with his thumb.
"Nor will I," she replied, looking towards the high path once again as if to see the wardens returning already. "Nor will I."
ooOoo
Edited by P.G. on 05/30/20.
How was it? Please leave me a review and let me know what you think. I admit, it was easy to return to writing this story, since I've envisioned it in my head for years. However, I feel out of practice stylistically. I've been writing Harry Potter fanfiction for the last few years, which requires much less formal wording. Any opinions or suggestions from readers would be greatly welcome.
Thanks for reading!
-P.G.