Welcome back to TBFF! A special thanks goes out to GuildedButterfly, Arwan, hrtiu, and mystarlight for their reviews on the last chapter. As it is with all authors, hearing from those who are reading my story brings me joy; thank you friends! I hope all of my readers are enjoying the story and are eager to find out what happens next. Now, onward to the good stuff! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Lord of the Rings or Tolkien Enterprises.

ooOoo

To Be Forever Faithful

By: Ponytail Goddess

Chapter 39: A Healer's Help

"Belegwen," Haldir whispered to her from within his mind's eye. He had lingered there for a long time now, trying to get her attention so he could speak with her. She was physically there with him, but sat unmoving with her arms wrapped around her bent knees. Her face was leaned downward and appeared unaware of his presence. Her eyes were distant and unseeing, much like they had been before she had figured out how to join him within their minds to converse.

Nonetheless, he suspected she could hear him. Haldir was fairly certain that she was purposefully choosing not to acknowledge him at this point.

"Please speak with me Belegwen. Help me understand why you did this to yourself. I only sought to help you. I did not want for you to take the blame on your own." He explained once again as he paced around her frozen figure, hoping she was somehow listening even though it appeared she was not.

Haldir was trying to be gentle and use tact when he spoke to her, fearing they would quarrel once again as they had when he disagreed with her over Erthalion's judgement in Caras Galadhon. To say the least, that night had been unpleasant, as had the months that followed while they avoided one another. Both of them had physically faded due to the anger and distance between them. Haldir did not want either of them to fade again and was trying to show Belegwen a generous amount of consideration as he spoke with her.

However, on the inside Haldir was very irritated about what had happened earlier in the day. He and Belegwen were supposed to operate a team, both as marchwardens and as romantic partners, but they had failed at it miserably when it had mattered the most.

Haldir had proposed a plan to her without asking for her opinion about it and his plan had not worked effectively. The council members had not heard him out as he had hoped and had spent a liberal amount of time arguing with each other, rather than listening to them. Belegwen, on the other hand, had chosen to initiate a plan she devised on her own without consulting him at all and it had resulted in devastating consequences.

Look where both of their plans had gotten them! Now they were separated from each other once again and Belegwen was so upset that she would not even indicate whether or not she heard him within her own mind. Idly, Haldir wondered if she could feel his exasperation with the situation through their bond. Perhaps his own uncontrolled anger was the reason she did not answer.

"Belegwen, answer me. Please." He now pleaded, trying heartily not to lose his temper over her lack of response. He absolutely hated that she would not speak with him about this. Neither of them had been able to work together appropriately. Instead, they had both acted selfishly.

Would they ever learn to trust one another?

Would a marriage between them really work out if they could not trust one another?

Frustrated, Haldir found he was unwilling to stay within the confines of their shared mental space without receiving a response. He quietly allowed himself to fade into the background as he sank more deeply into his vexation. Once again, he was clueless on how to deal with the relationship between them. He was also weary from the drama they ultimately left in the wake of their shared mistakes time after time.

He had to find a solution to the problem between them and fast, before it spiraled out of control and caused them to fade once again. After thinking about it for a while, Haldir decided that if she would not allow him to speak to her from within their mind's eye, he would have to locate her physical presence so that she could no longer ignore him.

Indeed, they were going to work out this problem once and for all.

ooOoo

For three days, Belegwen hid from everyone. Trailing far beyond the carts at the army's flank, Belegwen followed the soldiers from behind during their daily marches. Occasionally, she would catch the sympathetic of eye of a scout who had been sent to the back of the ranks to check for potential foes. After the first two days, she did not even bother to glance at them, hating how their looks of pity made her feel inside.

Avoiding soldiers during the night was a little trickier for Belegwen though. Both Haldir and Rumil had been searching for her every evening, but she did not wish to speak with either of them and had made herself scarce, choosing to hide silently amid the long grasses of the fields or underneath one of the carts. The medical cart in particular had proven to be a great hiding spot, as Belegwen found she could wedge herself between the axle and the base of the wagon bed. From that spot, she could not be seen unless someone carefully inspected the underside of the wagon.

When the soldiers appeared to be sleeping, Belegwen would ease her way down from the axle and sleep underneath the cart until she woke up to the sound of the soldiers walking back into their ranks, at which point she would crouch down in the grass until everyone left and then follow once again in silence.

While she refused to let her emotions show externally, all Belegwen dwelled on during the day were her own deep feelings of shame and loss. She had messed up and was now paying the price for it by giving up the only thing that had ever mattered to her. She knew that to most, this would not be nearly as consequential as it was to her. Belegwen had struggled and fought all her life to be a warden first and foremost, then once again to gain acceptance as a marchwarden. She had achieved her goals and did not want to give the position up yet.

Without the purpose her position had provided her, she felt rather empty inside. Lord Celeborn himself had presented Belegwen with her own bow of the Galadhrim. Such pride she had felt that day as Lord Celeborn gave into her only desire, at last allowing her to join the wardens as she had longed for since she had become his ward. Placing that exact bow in Eregdol's hands a few days prior had broken something within her which could not be fixed.

Who was she, if not a warden?

"Just some elleth," she thought to herself with a frown. "A terribly ordinary elleth with no family, trade, or talent to share with the city." What would she do when she got home and had no purpose? Would she have to start her life all over again and learn to do something else?

Belegwen did not want to do anything else. There was only one job for her. She was barred from doing it though, exiled from the only thing that made her feel whole. These horrifying thoughts burned through her mind over and over again during the marches, leaving behind scars that would not be healed for a long time.

There was one good thing she had to think about during the day though; she had succeeded in protecting Haldir's position as marchwarden. At least he could go on with his life normally, even though she could not. This knowledge brought her a bit of joy from time to time, though it often ended up tainted with her own depression if she lingered on it for very long.

That thought always led to yet another question she could not seem to answer. What was she going to do about Haldir now? She knew he was upset with her for taking the blame upon herself, rather than sharing it with him. Haldir was also mad that she had not let him help her. She could feel his anger through their bond, along with a smattering of other confusing emotions about her and the council meeting.

What would become of them now that they were separated and on the verge of arguing once again?

Thoughts such as these haunted Belegwen for the first couple of nights she spent in hiding. She was embarrassed about what she had become, a scared elleth who hid from the whispered accusations of the soldiers. She did not know how to overcome her deep feelings of despair and she was definitely not ready to talk about them with anyone yet. Thus, Belegwen continued to hide to try and buy herself some time to work through the pain of the situation by herself.

However, on the third night Belegwen discovered that her presence had not gone fully unnoticed when a hand gently set a leaf-wrapped piece of lembas bread underneath the cart, right next to the wheel she had chosen to lean against. Studying the feet that were walking away from her, Belegwen recognized the tan robes and realized it was the healer Linedhel who had found her hiding spot. He did not confront her though, but simply went about his business as usual. This relieved Belegwen, as she was still not ready to face anyone after suffering such great embarrassment and loss at the hands of the council.

Belegwen was starving though and ate more than one bite of the lembas bread, having now gone three days without food. She was very thankful he had realized she had not been eating and appreciated the healer's kind gesture. Tucking the remaining bread into her armor, she climbed back over the axle of the cart and waited in silence for the soldiers to settle down for the night so she too could sleep. That is, if she was able to endure sleeping through her own ghastly dreams about her family's fate.

ooOoo

Upon first hearing the rumors, Rumil had rolled his eyes and chastised the soldiers beside him for spreading idle gossip about their female marchwarden. However, when Rumil noticed that Belegwen was no longer standing beside Haldir as the marches finally commenced at a later time than usual, he became gravely concerned. Had something truly happened to Belegwen? Rumil had no way to find out during the marches and was left with all sorts of horrible scenarios running amuck in his brain as they traveled that day.

Then, when they had finally stopped for the night, the rumors had spread expediently amongst the soldiers, much to his shock and horror. That night, they lingered like a cloud of haze over the entire group and had dominated the conversations of the tired elves. Frantic with worry, Rumil had searched the camp, desperately hoping to find Belegwen and acquire the truth. She was nowhere to be found though.

Rumil shook his head as he met Haldir's blue eyes across the grassy plains. He and his brother had been looking for her every night during their last three stops. Both had been looking for her separately at first. Upon realizing they were searching for the same elf, they had joined forces to try and find her. Even together, the brothers could not seem to locate her. Rumil knew she was still with the group because the scouts who checked the army's flanks had seen her repeatedly and reported it to Haldir. At night though, Rumil suspected she hid from them to avoid having a confrontation.

Needless to say, her strategy was working. Neither of them had any idea of where she was hiding. They had searched through the grasses, inside and underneath carts, and amongst the ranks of the soldiers who were settling in for half a night's worth of sleep. Not even a clue concerning her whereabouts could be found within their camps.

"I have no idea how she is able to hide this well," Rumil said as Haldir walked towards him. "She would make a good spy, brother."

"She is small and adept at blending into the background so that elves do not pay her any heed. I never should have worked with her so hard on passing through the tall grasses unnoticed while at the training grounds. I fear I may have given her a great advantage over us." Haldir replied, still scanning the area around them for any possible signs of her.

"I fear for her, Haldir. I spoke with Esgalamon tonight and he said she has not come to the dining cart since the council meeting. She has potentially gone three days without any food. If something happens to her while she is trailing behind us, we may end up leaving her behind without realizing it." Rumil said, feeling frustrated at his own inability to help his friend in her time of need.

He really needed to know if Belegwen was okay. He sincerely doubted she was though, not if the rumors were true. Rumil also wanted to know what had really happened at the council meeting, but had not dared to ask his brother about it. Haldir had not been too keen on opening up to him recently and had reacted in anger nearly every time Rumil had tried to speak with him about personal matters. Broaching this topic with him now seemed like an invitation for trouble.

Rumil also knew Belegwen's current state had something to do with the relationship between her and Haldir, which made it an even more perilous conversation. The whispers around the camp had spoken of an illicit kiss passing between the two of them, which had breached the warden's code. With this potentially being the truth, Rumil was uncertain of how much longer he could wait before confronting his brother about it, especially with Belegwen hiding from them the way she was.

"If only I could speak with her." He thought to himself as he stared at Haldir, who had resumed looking through the tall grasses. "Surely she would tell me what has happened and allow me to help her. I do not understand how Haldir could allow this to happen to her."

"Rumil," a quiet voice said in greeting, interrupting his thoughts. Rumil turned to find the healer Linedhel standing behind him and studying him with a very knowing look in his ancient grey eyes. Linedhel said nothing more, but motioned for him to follow. He motioned to Haldir in the same way when he made eye contact with him a minute later. The two brothers followed Linedhel to a more private location, as far away from the ears of the others as safety would allow.

Neither knew what the stern elf was about to say, as he quickly checked for other elves before speaking to them. "I have brought you here because you are both worried about Belegwen. I have watched you searching for her the last few nights and I wanted to let you know that I have seen her and she is fine."

"You have?" Haldir asked immediately, giving the serious healer a very commanding look. "I need to speak with her immediately. Where is she?"

Linedhel stared at Haldir for a moment, as if analyzing him and his intent before answering. "I am unwilling to tell you at this time." He said slowly, as though he knew this answer would irritate Haldir.

"Excuse me?" Haldir all but spat at the healer, his anger setting fire to his blue eyes as he glared at Linedhel. As a marchwarden, Haldir was not accustomed to being told no and Rumil could tell that this answer had aggrivated the painful emotions that were already brewing within his brother. "Why not?"

"Belegwen is hiding because she does not want to be found right now Haldir. I refuse to be the one who betrays her trust when she is in such a fragile state. We both know she lost all of her dignity and credibility at the council meeting. I would ask you to respect her by leaving her alone for a few days. This will allow her to come to terms with what has happened. I am certain Belegwen will come back out in due time when she is ready to deal with this." He said calmly, standing his ground against Haldir. There was a staunch firmness about him that Rumil had not expected from the healer.

"How can I trust this is true? Do you know Belegwen well?" Haldir questioned, clearly uncertain about whether or not this was an appropriate way to handle the current situation.

"No, I do not know Belegwen well, but I was friends with her adar long ago and he reacted to problems in such ways on occasion," Linedhel replied. "He often needed to be by himself for a while to digest difficult news. I imagine Belegwen is cut from the same cloth. That is what her actions suggest anyway."

Rumil could sense Haldir's mounting frustration as he started to pace in front of them. He could tell Haldir was rather upset by Linedhel's lack of assistance. Rumil also did not want to wait any longer to find her, though Linedhel's observations did seem to have an quite a bit of truth to them.

Rumil wondered if the healer might be right. Perhaps Belegwen was too embarrassed over what had happened to allow someone close to her assist. Perhaps Linedhel, who was separated from the situation because he was not a soldier, could be neutral enough in the situation to reach out to her in a way that Rumil and Haldir could not.

Still, he wished it was he who could help her.

"I heard she has not eaten in days from Esgalamon," Rumil interjected, deciding to try and sway the stubborn healer one more time before possibly giving in to him. "I think seeing her briefly would help to alleviate some of our worries."

"I have already taken care of the problem. I gave her a whole piece of lembas bread earlier tonight. She should have at least a week's worth of meals from it. I can always get her more, if need be. Esgalamon was eager to accommodate her in this way. He cannot bear the thought of someone going hungry." Linedhel said confidently, with an eagerness to prove himself worthy of the task.

Rumil could see that Haldir was thinking the situation through as he paced silently through the knee-high grass over and over again. It was clear Haldir desired to be the one who helped Belegwen, but the longer Linedhel talked about the situation, the more it sounded better to leave it in his hands. After all, Belegwen had allowed Linedhel to find her, which was a courtesy she had not extended to himself or Haldir.

"Marchwarden, if I may," Linedhel interjected, stepping in front of Haldir and forcing him to stop pacing for a moment, "There is not much a healer can do to serve on this journey until the battle is underway. However, this is one way I can easily help you now. If you afford me this opportunity, I will prove my worth to you and will get Belegwen back to her normal self as soon as possible."

"You wish to do this?" Haldir said, scoffing at Linedhel's ever so serious face before continuing. "I will give you a week to deal with this. If she has not been seen in a week though, I will personally tear this camp to shreds until I find her."

ooOoo

"Perhaps you are unaware, but I was friends with Belegond for many years before his passing."

Belegwen snapped to attention instantly from on top of the axle of the medical cart as she heard the name of her adar uttered for the first time in decades. Was the healer Linedhel trying to strike up a conversation with her? She knew he was aware that she had been staying under his cart regularly, as he had taken to leaving food and water skins on the ground beside her for the last two days. However, he had not said anything to her until now.

Needless to say, this plausible conversation intrigued Belegwen and drew her far from her thoughts of misery. No one but Lord Celeborn ever bothered to speak with her about her father unless they were offering her condolences concerning his fate. Her ears twitched as she listened carefully, hoping to hear something more about her adar.

"I actually met him the day you were born. Your naneth had started to have you a few weeks early and Belegond was beside himself with worry when he learned that Eltirwen was traveling between Greenwood and Lothlorien at the time. Your parents had planned for Eltirwen to birth you, as most couples do. She is considered the premier midwife of Caras Galadhon and delivers most of the elflings who come along in Lothlorien." Linedhel said, pausing for a moment before he continued.

"However, I was the healer who was available and so it was I who assisted your naneth in bringing you into this world. You were the first elfling I ever delivered and I was nearly as nervous as your adar, but everything went well enough and you were safely cradled in his arms by the end of the night." Linedhel stated, then let out the smallest sound of amusement before adding, "After that, Belegond always regarded me as some sort of hero, though I had merely done my job."

Belegwen was not sure what had shocked her more just now—the severely serious elf's tiny laugh or the fact that he had been present when she was born. Belegwen had known that Linedhel was older than many of the elves of Caras Galadhon. However, knowing that she was well over 3,000 and finding out that he had been a trained healer who was present during her birth really put things into perspective.

"In the morning, I asked Belegond why he named you after himself. As I'm sure you know, it is the custom in Lothlorien for the firstborn, primarily if the elfling is a son, to be named after his adar in some way. However, your brother had arrived centuries before you and the name 'Nenrim' is much closer to your naneth's name than to Belegond's."

Belegwen could stand it no longer and pushed herself off the axle and into the grass as Linedhel continued to tell her the story of her birth. She wanted to see Linedhel's facial expressions as he spoke of her adar, so she quickly started to crawl out from under the cart.

"Belegond said his son was nothing like him, but he had repeatedly dreamed that you would reflect his spirit, just as your brother Nenrim reflected your naneth's spirit. He was surprised at first that you were not a second son, but he was not put off by your gender at all and still believed you would be just like him. Thus, he gave you the name 'Belegwen.' How very fitting it turned out to be." Linedhel said, meeting Belegwen's eyes as she stood up carefully beside him. "You are indeed very much like your adar."

Belegwen stared at him as the last purple light of the sunset faintly lit up his face. Oddly, Linedhel looked both beautifully young and anciently wise all at the same time to her. His unbraided silver hair was blowing behind him as he recounted the past to her.

"He always brought you around to see me after that; he was so very proud of you. I always saw him carrying you around the city, showing you off to those he knew well. I imagine he would still be bragging about you today if he knew all you had accomplished here."

Belegwen made a soft sound of disdain upon hearing this and pinched her eyes closed for a brief moment before looking at him once again. Pain was evident in her voice when she slowly replied, "I am a disgraced soldier who is cowardly enough to hide under a cart for days, Linedhel. I daresay he would not be proud of that."

"One mistake over a long career is hardly enough to affect the pride of a doting adar, Belegwen. Besides, this is only temporary. The lord and lady will reinstate you; it is as certain to me as the night giving way to the dawn in a few short hours." Linedhel said, looking at her with all of the confidence in the world. Belegwen did not know whether or not she believed this, but she was comforted nonetheless by his high opinion of her.

"Meanwhile, I think you are in desperate need of a distraction. You need something to take your mind off these thoughts of uncertainty; something to make you feel useful at a time when your purpose has been altered." Linedhel said, offering her a small smile of encouragement before continuing. "That is where I come in."

Belegwen lifted her eyebrows up at this suggestion. Precisely what did Linedhel have in mind?

"I could use a second set of hands assisting me on this trip. I thought perhaps I might teach you some basics about healing as we travel to Helm's Deep and then you could be of use helping with the injuries of the soldiers. I imagine having more than a rudimentary understanding of healing would greatly benefit you as a warden when you return to the fences in Lothlorien."

"In return, I thought you might be willing to share some of your own knowledge with me. You are a great teacher of swordsmanship. Perhaps you would be willing to practice with me so that I might once again get used to wielding a sword, should it become necessary during the battle."

Thoughtfully, Belegwen contemplated Linedhel's bargain in silence. She knew the healer was right. Belegwen did need a way to focus on something other than her own failures right now and this elf who had known her adar intrigued her. Helping him review swordsmanship would certainly be easy enough, though Belegwen feared that sparring with him might attract the attention of other soldiers, which she did not want currently.

Still, accepting the offer might earn her the opportunity to hear more stories about her adar, which she very much wanted. "I accept your offer, Linedhel. We will start to work with the sword tomorrow evening."

"I will look forward to it Marchwarden," he answered with a quick smile. "Tomorrow, you may ride on the cart with me and we will begin to explore the basics of healing together."

ooOoo

Haldir was very relieved to see Belegwen speaking with Linedhel earlier in the evening. She had finally come out of hiding and appeared to be doing well enough on the outside, though he still sensed a deep, unyielding sadness radiating from within her very soul. Haldir had stayed true to his word and had kept his distance, trying to trust that an elf like Linedhel would have the right amount of discretion to handle her delicate state properly.

Still, he desired to speak with her, though he did not want to drive her into hiding once more. Since she seemed to be avoiding him, he decided he would have to try and speak with her at a time when she might be less guarded. Thus, Haldir had slept during the first watch and was awake during the second, most of which he spent watching her sleep within his mind's eye.

She was beautiful sleeping there, her hair sprawled out across the darkness within their linked minds and her eyes glazed in reverie. Other than her armor and Rumil's fancy braiding, she looked just as Haldir remembered her from the moment he had memorized the night before they left Caras Galadhon. Unable to resist temptation, he had laid down beside her in the darkness and had watched her sleep for the last few hours, stroking her hair lovingly every so often.

Even if it was only within the confines of their minds, Haldir still felt comforted by her presence beside him. His heart was filled with remorse over her situation, but he still did not know how to fix it, no matter how greatly he desired to do just that. If nothing else though, perhaps he could offer her a bit of comfort when she woke up.

After a few hours, she did start to stir. Haldir stroked the side of her face with the back of his hand, then pulled her close to him so he could put his arm around her as she woke up. He listened as she inhaled deeply, then watched as her eyes blinked a few times before settling on him in a half-closed, barely awake sort of way.

"Haldir… Is this a dream?" She whispered, reaching out to touch the hand that was stroking her face and laying her own hand over the top of it. She pressed his hand to her cheek and he could feel the bond's power through it, even though they were only touching each other within their connected minds.

Haldir leaned in close and pressed a gentle kiss upon her lips before answering. "No, I am here sweet warden. I have missed you."

When he pulled away, he could see the pain he had been feeling from her over the last few days written all over her face. Though she did not cry, as he knew she would not, her scrunched up face still filled him with agony, as he knew she could barely endure what had happened.

"Belegwen," he whispered to her, pulling her face close to his own and resting their foreheads together gently, "I am so sorry this happened. It was not my intention for this to be taken away from you. I want you at my side as marchwarden and I will do whatever it takes to get you back there. Please believe me."

She did not reply with words, but nodded her head a bit, earning her yet another gentle kiss from Haldir. He desperately did not want to let her go, but it was nearly dawn and he knew he needed to bid her goodbye so he could lead the marches.

"Remember, I am with you always and I am forever on your side. When you are ready to battle against the council, let me know and I will be right there with you. I promise." He said sincerely, stroking her face again and enjoying how she gently gripped his own between her two hands. It was hard to have skin-on-skin contact with both of them wearing full suits of armor, but they were trying their best to touch one another and enjoy the tender moment while it lasted.

Belegwen nodded again, her blue eyes glistening with unshed tears as she stared into his eyes with intensity. Haldir kissed her once more, passionately brushing his lips over hers, then lingering so very close to her face momentarily, savoring this last moment with her. Only then did he allow himself to fade out of the mind's eye and fully back into his physical presence, immediately commanding the soldiers to start getting ready for their day.

ooOoo

I hope you enjoyed this new chapter. It was a hard one for me to write. My mind has been all over the place this week and I struggled to concentrate on this more than usual. Hopefully it still turned out good though. Please let me know what you think. I will try to have another chapter up soon. Thanks for reading!

-P.G.