Lily, Her Boys, and the Best Prank of Ever
(Original story from a post in Firewhisky and Honey Facebook group)
Lily was going to have to sneak back into her bedroom soon but it was so hard to care about not getting caught by Mrs. or Mr. Potter while she was cuddled with her three favorite boys. Behind her, James was pressed against her back, his arm wrapped around her stomach, his snores, ones he would deny in the morning, filling the room. Remus slept soundly, his back was pressed against her front, her legs wrapped up in his scarred ones. Her hand was reached out across Remus and resting on Sirius's tattooed arm. Of the three boys, it was Sirius's sleeping habits that made her laugh the most. He was curled up like a baby, or she supposed a dog, on Remus's other side, long dark hair all over the pillow, knees up to his chest, and his hands curled up under his chin.
They were spending winter break of their last year at Hogwarts at James's house but tomorrow she was supposed to be apparating back home to visit her sister Petunia and her new fiancé Vernon. She really had little desire to go. Petunia had been mean to her since she got her Hogwarts letter and left for school. She thought Lily and all of her friends were freaks, but she was going to be married and Lily hadn't even met her fiancé yet.
Lily sighed thinking about Petunia and wondering what type of person would propose to her stuck up, insufferable, nosy sister. As she untangled herself from her three boys, she started to think how scandalous her relationship with James, Remus, and Sirius would seem to her sister. Petunia was a boring old stick in the mud, afraid of magic and of anything different than the perfect little life she wanted behind a white picket fence. It was so natural for Lily at this point in her life, to be with all three of them. It worked. They were all friends. They were all lovers. They balanced each other out and had formed a strong bond over the years built on late night study sessions, weekend raids of the Hogwarts kitchens, horrible secrets, and too much violence and pain in the world around them. As she quietly made her way out of the boy's room and down the hall to her own, she imagined Petunia's face if she showed up at lunch tomorrow with all three of them and introduced them all to Petunia and Vernon as her boyfriends. Lily's giggles turned into yawns as she climbed into bed and went to sleep.
"There's our sleeping beauty," James announced as Lily entered the kitchen the next morning. James was smirking at her from the counter where he was making toast. "I wonder why you slept in until 10:00?"
"I can't imagine what you were doing last night if you weren't sleeping," Sirius added with a grin from the kitchen table. "Us pretty people need our beauty rest, didn't anyone tell you?"
Lily scoffed as she took her seat at the kitchen table. "At least I didn't fall asleep as soon as I was done last night. You three were passed out as soon as I was done with you. You'd think you were old men and not 18-year-olds." She grinned as both James and Sirius tried to protest but Remus cut them off.
"Be careful lads," he warned from the spot next to Lily and across from Sirius at the table. "Remember what happens when you tease this red-headed spit fire. Her pranks on us are better than ours ever have been. Remember that time she put a potion in our pumpkin juice that gave us all rabbit ears? And just because we teased her about her birthmark."
Sirius nodded his head solemnly and Lily laughed. James, still feeling a bit indignant about constantly being shown up by Lily and always being the focus of her pranks, rolled his eyes. "That wasn't that good of a prank really-"
But he was cut off by the other three. "Keep telling yourself that James," they chorused together. James pouted as he brought over toast and bacon for everyone. Remus and Sirius worked in tandem, Remus sliding a mug of tea across to her, and Sirius pouring milk into a bowl of cereal for her.
As she started in on her cereal Lily looked from boy to boy and the idea she had started to form last night took hold. "Actually, I did have an idea for a prank," Lily said, her eyes sparkling. "How would you three boys like to come home with me today?"
Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus apparated directly into Lily's childhood bedroom in her parent's home around 12:15 that afternoon. While her parents had died last year, Petunia was still living in their old home until she got married and her and Vernon bought a house of their own. Luckily, they were out picking up some food for lunch and weren't due back until 12:30.
"Now, you two stay here," she motioned to both Remus and Sirius, "and I will take James down to meet Petunia and Vernon when they get home." All three boys looked like little kids on Christmas. "And stop grinning like the Cheshire Cat," Lily admonished, "or they will know something's up."
James and Sirius looked at each other confused. "What's a Cheshire Cat?" Sirius asked.
Remus and Lily both rolled their eyes. "Muggle reference," Remus explained as he flopped himself down on Lily's bed.
Sirius shrugged his shoulders and laid himself down with his head in Remus's lap. "Whatever you say."
Shaking her head, Lily grabbed James's hand and pulled him from the room.
They didn't have to wait long until Lily saw her sister letting herself in the front door walking inside in front of a large man with the biggest mustache she had ever seen. She and James shared a look and as James stifled a laugh, she elbowed him in the ribs before she walked over to greet Petunia and Vernon.
She reached out to shake Vernon's hand. "You must be Vernon Dursley," she said with a smile. Vernon took her hand briefly, looking like he would rather do anything else. Lily, just maintaining her smile, continued. "I'm Lily and this is my boyfriend James," she said motioning to James. When she looked over at him, she could see that he had narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms looking over at the other man, clearly not impressed with his lack of manners.
Petunia interjected in a mock sweet voice. "Great, now that we all know each other, let's go eat." She led the way to the kitchen and dumped the fish and chip plates down on the table heading over to the stove to put the kettle on. "You couldn't have even started the kettle, Lily?" she asked, her impatience showing.
"We didn't have time," Lily tried to explain. "We got here just a few minutes before you did."
"But it only takes a minute to start the kettle," Vernon argued as he sat himself down in one of the kitchen chairs, pulling one of the plates towards him, popping a chip into his mouth.
James looked over at Lily and she shrugged her shoulders. She went to the cabinet to get out tea cups and decided not to say anything else. James sat himself down across from Vernon and grabbed a plate of fish and chips as well. Silence stretched as the tea was made and the sisters sat down and began to eat as well. It was Vernon who eventually broke the silence.
"So, James," Vernon turned an appraising eye to him, looking over his messy hair, glasses, and plain clothes. "You go to the same private school as Lily I take it?"
James, who had been informed along with Remus and Sirius that Vernon didn't know anything about his soon to be wife's magical sister, nodded his head and offered Vernon a large smile. "Oh yes, I have been going to the elite private schools in Scotland since my schooling began."
"Since your schooling began, huh? So you didn't get some scholarship part way through your education like Lily?"
"Er, no actually. My family is fairly wealthy and has been sending me away to school since the beginning."
Vernon snorted like he didn't believe James could be from a wealthy family given how he looked. "So wealthy, you what? Walked here? You were here when we got here but I see no car in the driveway."
Vernon was certainly the kind of man who judged a man's worth by their clothes and car but James had been dealing with the snobbish elite of the wizarding world his entire life and Vernon's disapproval didn't rattle him at all. "Quite, actually," James explained with an heir of importance and boredom that he had learned from when his father dealt with the likes of Malfoys and Sirius's wretched parents. "We did walk here. My aunt has a small cottage not far away. We were visiting with her this morning and then decided to walk here. We drove to her cottage from my family's manor estate early this morning."
Both Petunia's and Vernon's eyes went wide, speechless. Lily silently sipped her tea, hiding a smile behind her cup.
"Of course," James drawled on, "the manor estate is only one of the estates in my family. My aunt has an estate herself up north but she likes to have these little cottages in quaint little towns to spend time in." James yawned. "But what about yourself Vernon? I can't say I have heard much about you from my Lily. How do you plan on supporting Lily's sister once you get married?"
Lily was having a hard time keeping herself from laughing because Petunia looked annoyed and Vernon seemed to be battling between indignant and reluctantly impressed. James continued to look bored.
"Well actually, my father is the director of the rather large drill company, Grunnings." Vernon answered.
James stared at him blankly.
"Grunnings. You know, the drill company? I have a manager job there."
"I can't say I've heard of it, old bean." James said cheerily. "But none the matter. No doubt it's a perfectly fine job for someone like yourself."
Vernon started to look more angry than indignant and Petunia's pursed lips were hardly visible. "For someone li-" Vernon started to argue.
James cut him off glancing over his shoulder. "Lily darling, is the loo this way?" He asked.
Lily nodded her head and smiled. "Yes, my love, just down the hallway second door on the left."
"Thank you my sweet." James stood up, leaning over to give Lily a small kiss on her forehead before heading down the hallway.
Once out of sight from the kitchen, James headed back up the stairs as silently as he could and back into Lily's room. "What a nightmare!" he whispered at both of his friends. "Rude and horrible people. Looked at Lily like she was trash. Well I showed them."
Remus and Sirius, still laying together on Lily's bed, glanced over at him. "What did you do James?" Remus asked.
"Nothing!" James hissed. "I just showed them who they were dealing with. Now Sirius when you get down there, remember to act like you are better than everyone-"
"Years of pureblood training will help me with that," Sirius interjected.
James nodded his head. "And remember the story about the aunt's cottage. And when you sit down, no matter what else is going on I want you to ask about Grunnings."
"Grunnings?" both of the other boys asked.
"His job is at a drill company apparently… like I have any idea what drills are."
"I could explain it to you both," Remus said, "but it might be funnier to pretend you are so rich you've never heard of a drill before."
"Got it," grinned Sirius as he got up. "Act like the pureblood arse my parents raised me to be and ask him about Grunnings and allow my ignorance about drills to be apparent."
James flopped down in his place and Sirius walked out the door and quietly walked down the stairs.
As Sirius entered the kitchen he went straight for Lily, kissing her on the cheek. "Hello my love," he said with a genuine smile. Then he sat down next to her and began eating before even looking up at his companions.
They both looked dumbfounded. But before either could say anything he looked right at the mustached man who could only be Vernon and said, "Please Vernon, tell me more about this company Grunnings and the drills you make."
Vernon sputtered. "I… how… I mean to say… who are you?"
"Vernon," Lily said slowly. "This is my boyfriend, James. You just met him."
"I did not!" Vernon argued, his face turning a bit red. "This, this isn't the same person."
"Of course it is," Lily said calmly. She glanced at Petunia who was looking surprised and annoyed.
"But, his glasses?" Vernon still sounded so confused.
"What are you talking about? James doesn't wear glasses. Now Vernon, James and I would love to hear more about your job."
"Oh yes," Sirius agreed, leaning back in his chair looking just as bored as James had earlier. "Please tell us all about these drilly things. I can't say a person of my… status knows anything about what a drill is."
Vernon, still looking confused and mildly annoyed, either decided to ignore the fact that Lily's boyfriend suddenly looked different or was so excited to talk about his job that he promptly forgot, because he droned on and on about his job and the company and the drills for nearly 10 minutes while everyone else finished eating. Sirius interjected with bored sounding odd questions like "And what kind of person needs to order 10,000 drills?" and "So to work these drills need something called 'bits', bits of what?" While Petunia looked worried, Vernon seemed so excited to explain this to someone who was actually asking him questions that he didn't seem to pick up on the oddity of the questions.
Lily eventually interjected when Vernon had paused taking a bit of fish. "James, darling, could you do me a favor and go get my sweater? I've suddenly gotten a bit chilly."
"Of course my love," Sirius said, getting up and kissing her again on the cheek.
Upstairs, Remus had already gotten up off the bed as he heard Sirius approaching.
"Still don't know what a drill is but apparently Vernon is in love with them and is in charge of selling them," Sirius announced as he plunked down in Lily's desk chair putting his feet up on her desk. "Oh and bring Lily her sweater, Remus, she asked me to get it for her."
Remus grabbed Lily's purple sweater and headed down the stairs and into the kitchen. "Here you go my love," he said as he draped the sweater over Lily's shoulders kissing her on the top of her head. "I know how cold you can get."
"Thank you James," Lily said, pulling the sweater on.
Vernon looked astounded. Petunia looked furious. Remus sat down calmly. "What a lovely lunch. I'm quite full Lily darling, how about you?"
"Oh it was quite delicious," Lily said. She was about to ask how Petunia and Vernon enjoyed their lunch when Petunia interrupted.
"Lily, what are you playing at? This isn't James. This young man has brown hair and… and hideous scars across his face."
Lily gasped. "Petunia, don't you dare call James's scars hideous. That's very rude of you."
"Rude of me?!" Petunia shrieked standing up, Vernon right beside her.
"How dare you call my fiancé rude!" Vernon bellowed.
Petunia hissed at Lily, "I don't know what is going on with you and your freaky boyfriend, but I will not stay here and be made into a fool because of your freakish behavior. We are leaving!"
"Oh no," Remus drawled leaning back in his chair as Vernon and Petunia started to storm out of the kitchen. "So soon? I was quite enjoying learning about drills."