Pokemon, they're everywhere. I can't even take a shower without seeing a
Pokemon! But eh, I don't care all too much, I mean they're not bothering me, so why make a big fuss about it? As one of the professors in charge of getting new Pokedex entries here in Kalos, it's my job to see pokemon, and I plan on doing a pretty good job.
It starts on uh… well, not the best day for giving pokemon to aspiring researchers, but it's when we scheduled, so not much I could do there. It was cold and windy, the kind of wind where you get smacked in the face by a Starly blown all the way from Sinnoh. It wasn't rainy, so that's a positive. I fell, un-gracefully, through the doors of my lab. Turns out concrete hurts if you flop face-first into it. After a few seconds of "Ow! Damnits," one of the Chanseys that works at the lab healed me, and I continued on my journey to wait around for a few hours.
"Hey professor," a voice attacked.
"AAH!" CRASH! "Ow..."
"You ok?"
"Maybe?" John rushed to my side, as I struggled to uncrumple myself.
"Sorry I startled ya," John apologized.
"It's fine," I assured him. John had become a cloud of blue, white, and brown. After I put my glasses back on, I saw John was wearing a very scientific, blue striped onesie under his white lab coat. His usually comed, short brown hair, had become what looked to be an asymmetrical fauxhawk.
"How you feeling, dude?" John questioned.
"Good enough," I smartly responded.
"Well um… you wanna start with the ummah… pokemon gifting?" John intelligently queried.
"Um, right. I'll bring 'em in." I walked to the back room, grabbed a Pokeball, and returned to the main room.
"What is it?" John stared down the Pokeball.
"Honedge," I correctly declared.
"Cool! Steel, Ghost, right?" John took the pokeball, and placed his fist on his chin.
"Yup, that's right," I responded. John threw his pokeball onto the ground. It opened with a flash of energy and left a floating sword.
"Honedge?" it cleverly questioned.
"Uh, hi. I'm John, your new trainer… uh h-ho-how are you?" John nervously stammered. Honedge floated up to John and wrapped its feather-like appendage around John's head, and promptly fell asleep.
"I think it likes me," John interpreted.
Packing up is really easy with pokemon. I mean, John's Honedge can fly, Bill's Darmanitan can bench-press freight trains, and my Excadrill (mole with metal claws) can easily scoop up any small objects with his excavator-like claws.
"You sure we got everything?" John nervously stared at our backpacks.
"Relax, we got the essentials. We'll be fine," Bill grabbed his backpack and threw it on, and picked up the tent.
"I still think you should carry all our stuff." John advised Bill.
Bill chuckled. "Dude, your bag is the size of my foot! I'd lose it."
"Your foot's the size of my fridge," John countered, hoisting his bag onto his back. Excadrill stared at me. I shrugged. Excadrill made an interrogatory sound, as if lost in the conversation.
"Your guess is as good as mine," I reassured him, equally confused. We succumbed to the ways of human banter illiteracy.
Bill's Darmanitan chucked me my bag. It smacked me in the face. Excadrill laughed.
"Nf. Fnne," I keenly retorted. Bill's Darmanitan rushed up to me.
"Tan?" She gently removed my bag from my face, and replaced herself with a disgruntled Chansey.
"Chan, Chansey," it explained to the concerned fire ape. who sheepishly retreated back to Bill. After giving Bill an oxygen tank to supplement his air loss from finding my misery hilarious, we set-off.
"Dude, you should have seen the look on your face. HA!" Bill recreated a look of terror to a frustrated John.
"You've already… ten times, ugh." John's face reddened, and he sunk back into his chair.
"Yeah, I know. It was really f-Ow!" Bill's Darmanitan looked pleased with herself. Bill took the hint and left the tent. It was nicer than in the morning. It wasn't windy. The sun was shining. Did I mention the wind was gone? However, we couldn't see all this, as we were camping in a forest, and we had the task to find out how Honedge sucked out people's life force. I know, fun, right?
"Hey Excadrill," I called. "Could you ask John's Honedge how they suck out people's life force?" Excadrill nodded and walked over. After a few minutes of (what I assume was) small talk, Excadrill came over to me.
"Drill Drill, Exca," he informed me and shook his head.
"He doesn't know how?" I asked. He nodded.
"On second thought," I pointed out, "that does make sense as he has been in a lab his whole life." I walked out of the tent to get some air. Suddenly, Excadrill grabbed me and we were miles underground. In seconds, we were back on the surface again. I adjusted my glasses, patted dirt out of my hair, and saw a figure run into a clearing, egging on his Raticate.
"Do it again!" he yelled.
"Why did you do that?!" I yelled back, to no explanation, just a beam of ice. Bill's Darmanitan dove in front of me.
"Fire punch!" Bill barked. Darmanitan's fist burst aflame. She walloped the Raticate into next week!
"Crunch 'em," the nefarious rat trainer (NRT) commanded. Raticate bit down hard on Darmanitan's arm.
"Body press," Bill declared, swiping his arm into a forward point. Darmanitan pulled Raticate off her arm, and slammed him into the ground with her chest. Darmanitan stood over Raticate, who stayed down.
"Dude! You okay?" That was Bill, who rushed to his Darmanitan. She gave him a thumbs up.
"Now, please explain why you attacked me," I said, fuming. NRT looked young, at most in his late twenties. He wore a gray vest over a blue shirt. His sneakers were blood red, and to top it all off, his shorts were lime green. Clearly an aesthetic genius.
"No." The genius flipped me off. Then the ground started to rumble, and Excadrill popped out with two tied up goons, both adorned with similar attire to our friend here.
"Explain yourselves!" I thundered to them.
"We ain't gonna," countered one unruly so-and-so. I facepalmed. But then, I had an idea.
"Do you want me to get Honedge?" I asked Bill.
"Huh... Oh! No, I think these guys are gonna talk," Bill said, smiling evilly, "unless they want you to get Honedge."
"W-we're not scared of a sword," one goon stammered.
"Dusclops," another whimpered, with his slightly discolored shorts. Then, a hair louder, "will-o-wisp!"
Bandages in the shape of a creature emerged from the trees. I automatically fired back, "Excadrill shadow claw!" Excadrill lunged at the bandage creature that had appeared. He slashed with purple energy emanating from his claws. They fell, WHUMP!
"Dude! I thought you gave it a Kasib berry," the nervous goon snapped at Dusclops' trainer, Yellow Shorts.
"I thought I did," Yellow Shorts said. The two goons struggled to untie themselves.
"You've seen Excadrill's attack stat? It's crazy," Bill diagnosed, motioning to Excadrill. Excadrill gave them a 'come-at-me, bro' motion with his claw.
"Now you wanna talk," I asked, flaunting a smug Persian grin.
They struggled in the rope for a bit. Tired of waiting, Darmanitan pulled them free of the rope and off their feet, and placed them in front of me, cowering in fear.
"G-g-golbat," someone yelled. Damnit! I thought to myself, facepalming. Yeah, three of them, only two defeated. This Golbat was by far the most prepared to deal with us. Its flying type made it immune to Excadrill's ground type attacks, and resistant to Darmanitan's fighting type moves. I was stumped.
"This is why you bring more Pokemon." I mutter to myself.
"That's why I did," Bill smirked in my direction.
"Darmanitan return," Bill called, producing a Pokeball from his pocket. A beam of red energy returned Darmanitan to her abode.
"Go Sealeo, ice beam," Bill commanded and fired the Pokeball in his offhand into the battlefield. Out popped a blue seal with white whiskers and a beige stomach. It fired a beam of ice, freezing Golbat with a rather disgruntled expression. The bat popsicle (batsicle) fell onto the earth with a CRASH! Sealeo gave a thumbs up to Bill, who repeated the gesture.
"Swap 'em out," yelled a trainer. I whipped my head around and saw that Excadrill had created some dirt bleachers, and NRT and Yellow Shorts had popcorn.
"Hey! Can I have some," I proposed. I slid beside them
"Sure dude, we got an extra bucket," said NRT, handing me popcorn.
"Thankf," I said, mouth already full of popcorn.
"No Poblem," NRT said. He spat popcorn flakes onto his shorts.
"Golbat, steel wing," the nefarious bat trainer (NBT) commanded. Golbat's fall had shattered itself out of the ice. Golbat sped toward Sealeo and slapped him with its wing. Sealeo skidded backwards.
"Ice beam again," Bill blasted, spitting out dirt.
"U-turn!" NBT added. Golbat dashed at Sealeo, kicked him with its tiny bat feet, and zoomed back to NBT. It disappeared into a Pokeball in NBT's hand.
"Go, Toxicroak." NBT's voice carried an air of smugness. Sealeo launched a bluish-white beam of ice and hit Excadrill. Sealeo slapped his flipper to his face while attempting to shrink into nothingness.
"HA!" I laughed, which earned me a shoulder to the chest.
"I deserved that," I weakly concurred.
"Toxicroak, brick break." NBT decided. Toxicroak lunged at Sealeo and chopped him. Sealeo fell and stayed grounded.
"Go, Metang," Bill growled, menacingly. Metang floated above the mark Sealeo left. Its two arms readied with claws for fingers.
"Dynamic punch!" NBT sneered.
"Metang, psychic." Bill quickly countered. Toxicroak punched Metang in the head. Metang reeled back and stroked its head. It refocused itself. Metang's eyes glowed a pinkish purple. It raised a claw and made a fist. Still reeling from dynamic punch, it gave itself a headache. I know if Metang can hit a psychic, I thought to myself, Bill beats this Toxicroak. But I don't know if Metang can take another dynamic punch.
"Dynamic punch again," NBT said, as smug as ever.
"Psychic," Bill hollered tensely. Toxicroak ran at Metang, the same way as before, and struck beside his head. Metang again used psychic. But this time, he managed to make Toxicroak flop on the ground.
NBT hastily said, "Golbat, roost!"
"Psychic," Bill repeated.
Golbat popped out of its pokeball flying low above the ground. As directed, Golbat landed to recover from Sealeo's ice beam. At that moment, Metang shrugged and casually waved its hand. Golbat froze, crumpled, and fell over. NBT, slumping, said defeatedly, "Fine, I'll tell you why we attacked." And under his breath, "jerk."
Okay, so, there was this guy called Cal. He didn't like me. So he was, like, "Attack. Kill. Maim. Destroy."
"Why doesn't he like me," I asked NBT about the hateful Cal.
NBT eloquently responded, "Didn't say."
Ready for closure, Bill grabbed NBT, pushed him against the wall, and through clenched teeth, calmly queried, "Where is he?"
"W-well, m-man," NBT stuttered, "we're based in the cave with the m-mirrors."
Bill produced the fourth Pokeball and sent out Staraptor. Bill grabbed everybody-John, NRT, NBT, Yellow Shorts, and me, jumped onto the huge menacing bird, yelling, "Fly," and we took off.
After an incalculable amount of time fearing for my life we arrived shockingly intact. Bill rushed into the cave towing a cowering ball of NBT. An hour later, Bill slammed a large man before me and yelled, "Apologize!"
"What I do," I asked, mentally prepared to take full responsibility for my apparently reprehensible actions.
"Tell," Bill commanded, stabbing a large finger into the large man.
"You owe me five dollars," managed the affected man, weakly.
"Oh. Here you go," I said, handing him five dollars.
Before the man could choose whether or not to honor my astonishingly generous action, a blue featherlike appendage encircled his face. The man's hands clawed up, turned gray, and slackened. Honedge loosened its blue lifeforce extractor thing, gave John a thumbs up, and the nearly five dollars richer man dropped lifeless.
In response to this shocking development, the bravely courageous John fainted.
In the background, atop the cave entrance, Excadrill pointed and laughed at everyone's misery.
Five dollars firmly in hand, I looked up at Excadrill and said, "Number one, not funny. Number two, the hell you doing here?"
Excadrill mimed digging and made a duh-how-else-would-I-get-here face.
I facepalmed, insulted by the ground type's tone.
END