"So I have to wear a suit for some karaoke bar? Don't sound like a fancy place, you guys." Rachel blanked her eyes at Finn, knowing the discussion would end with Finn wearing what he was displaying currently: a pair of worn jeans and his striped t-shirt with the number eight on the back, so she decided to stop insisting and glanced at Kurt so he'd stop too.
The day with her boyfriend at school had gone well; she had been staring at Finn out of the corner of her eye during classes sometimes and had been reminded of high school. This time, however, it had felt odd to do so.
Some thoughts she was having were rude and this attitude was directed towards Finn. She would start by saying that he didn't really belong here and that she was having trouble with the tall guy being there.
"Oh, come on Finn you can sing 'Don't Stop Believing' or something equally uplifting," Kurt said, trying to convince Finn, or more like trying to excite him for things that thrilled him and Rachel and had had the same effect on him half a year earlier.
"I don't know, I'm all out of practice. I haven't even sung in the shower since Nationals."
Now, Rachel couldn't believe a single word this boy was saying, because it couldn't be possible that Finn Hudson, the same person who fought relentlessly to accept his own passion for the arts all through high school and succeeded, had forgotten how this one thing in life had given him purpose. Though in a way, she wasn't surprised to hear him.
Jesse hadn't talked to her since Finn got there. She had seen him walking down the halls with different people, talking and laughing and it almost seemed he was ignoring her. Rachel didn't want to take it way too personal; she thought that Jesse was just giving her the space she needed to fix things with Finn, and it was finally fixed. She just had been really missing Jesse and their talks; mostly she missed her friend and she couldn't figure out the true reason why he hadn't talked to her in days.
There was a knock on the door again, sounding equally threatening as Finn's had, but this time, it was another person's boyfriend who was to be discovered behind the wooden door.
"Blaine! What are you doing here?"
CallBacks was a nice and relaxed bar, Jesse had to admit he liked it. Some friends had invited him to go for drinks and he was bored, so he had said yes. Although after the week he had had, it had been more than just boredom what made him accept.
He didn't feel like singing that night but he did, with some girl his friends had introduced him to. He liked how their voices sounded together and everyone applauded at the end of the song, and it was great. It reminded him of how much he loved being on stage, and of how much he had loved that skin burning reflector in Carmel High; this was what he was meant to do.
An hour and two beers later, he heard the piano man play a distinct song from all the acoustic versions to pop songs, this was one that he recognized almost immediately. 'Faithfully'. Then there were the voices, his booth didn't stop talking at the sound of someone singing, neither did he. Jesse didn't bother to look at the small stage; he knew those voices all too well. And at the end he couldn't resist the urge to turn around and witness a sick déjà vu situation; this made him order something stronger. It felt like it was Regionals 2010 all over again and he turned around once more, avoiding the sight.
The girl he sang with, Erin, made small talk with him later. She was a sophomore NYADA student and lived nearby his apartment. She was funny, nice and easy going and he could tell she was graceful, so she was probably a dancer with a simple nice voice. He felt he could carry a conversation with her as easily as with somebody he had known for years, maybe even more. They were discussing restaurants in the city; she was offering to take him out and really meet New York City and all of its culinary founts. And as she was extending her invitation to a movie as well, the piano music changed again and Jesse was no longer paying attention. Teenage Dream, he recognized.
"Hey everyone, I want to sing a song that's very special to me. This is the song I sang the first time I met the love of my life. So Kurt, this is for you." Jesse fell silent at the sound of the name, he took a second look to the guy singing and playing the piano. He had met him before, the Warblers' leader; Vocal Adrenaline had competed against them once or twice; of course that the Warblers never got to the point of beating them but still they were very strong competitors. And then he remembered some more: he had been with New Directions at Nationals. And he smiled, but just ever so slightly, because maybe this guy hadn't had ulterior motives for being there and he didn't just make Kurt fall in love with him for the experience.
The whole bar suddenly got extremely quiet as the song got further; thing that hadn't happened with any other singer but Jesse had a feeling it was because everyone began to feel uncomfortable. The way the black haired guy sang the lyrics had something very intimate about it and everyone could sense so.
Jesse felt quite stunned with the emotion the guy was singing the particular song with. He expected him to literally start crying at some point. When the song died, everyone clapped. Jesse could tell something more than just love was inspiring that performance, something even stronger. Regret or guilt, maybe, the things that had inspired his own performance of Bohemian Rhapsody three years ago.
"That was...intense." Alex, one of his friends, said. Initiating conversation again. "I didn't even know you could sing something like 'Teenage Dream' like that." He joked and everyone laughed, agreeing to his statement without the need for words.
"I think it was beautiful," Erin defended, "but I've never seen him at NYADA."
Jesse didn't tell anyone what he knew about the mysterious identity of the guy, he hardly even remembered his name himself, so he remained silent.
"Next round is on me." Jesse said and his friends cheered him on. Erin accompanied him to the bar to help him carry the drinks; her smile was very sweet, he noticed. And it was very hard not to do so when she stood so close, he also discovered.
Jesse looked around casually as he tried to get that blonde hair away from his thoughts and he nearly jumped frightened finding Rachel's face beside him. He didn't want their relationship to be awkward after the events of the other night, but somehow it felt like it, so he tried to ease it up. Good thing he was an actor. Only Rachel was too.
"Rachel, how are-" he hadn't finished his question when she pulled him aside and then outside the bar even faster. "What's going on?" He asked now, confused; obviously knowing what was going on.
"You're ignoring me." She accused him.
Jesse was going to say that he hadn't; anything to defend himself but anything that could've left his mouth at the moment would've been a lie. Truth was he hadn't meant to, but at the end he had.
She was going through this thing, he thought, the one where you clarify your feelings and intentions and cravings; he just didn't want to be an obstruction or somebody save him, a possible choice to solve her dilemma. Jesse guessed that if Finn was the hero this once, or more accurately, once again, she wouldn't have much of a problem to fix.
The air remained wordless for a little longer, blame drowning his eyes.
"I know, I didn't mean to, though. I'm sorry." He said genuinely, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her again. Rachel ran her fingers through her forehead as if she was experiencing a terrible headache.
"No!" She snapped. "You were here with me and you saw how hurt I was when Finn ignored me and then you go on and do the same thing!" She swallowed hard in order to stop the tears from coming out. "Why would you do this to me?"
Her eyes started draining out, and that single tear which was visible to him in the dark street was enough to make him feel utterly bad. Rachel crying was something that he did not want to see, he had never wanted to see her cry because of him, or about anything really.
Jesse felt how suddenly his control came back; he could control this. There wasn't any need for her to feel this way, she didn't deserve to be treated like this, even though it had been completely unintentional from him. He took the only steps that were separating their bodies and hugged her strongly; he could feel how her body stiffened at the contact and then slowly relaxed until he felt her arms tugging him too.
"Never again, Rach." He promised. "I'm here for you." He spoke, caressing her hair, with her face still sobbing on his shirt. "I was an idiot, once again." He felt her chuckle and he did too.
"No," she finally stepped aside, "I overreacted a little." Rachel sniffed and tried to fix her now messed up mascara.
"You know I love your drama." He said frankly and offered her a smile. She laughed a bit. "And how did you even get in there? If I recall well, you are nowhere near turning 21." His eyes looked at her, accusing her mockingly and she shushed him.
"Well...we have to check that memory of yours." She said, quoting him. Jesse placed and arm around her, guiding her towards the bar again. "I don't know if you've heard of it, it's called a fake ID." He shook his head and pulled one of the doors open for her to step in and then closed the door behind him.
As soon as they were fully inside again, Jesse could feel stares, not absolutely sure where they came from or from whom. There was a blonde couple singing on stage but the bar wasn't completely quiet; his eyes drifted towards the direction of laughing and found the booth where his friends where at, still joking and drinking carelessly. He had absolutely forgotten about them. Not soon enough he directed his eyes to the small tables near the piano where a noticeable tall guy was sitting and glaring at Jesse and Rachel. Finn didn't looked happy, at all. But Jesse didn't remember having another expression than that directed toward him coming from Finn.
"I've got to go." Rachel said, hugging Jesse once more. And he noticed Kurt and the 'Teenage Dream' guy were grabbing their coats behind them and Finn was making his way through the tables uncomfortably. Jesse managed to go before Finn had made it to Rachel and walked toward his friends, sitting down casually like he had never gone outside.
"Where's your girlfriend?" Alex asked teasingly. Very well aware Rachel wasn't his. They had ran through the topic when they first met in fencing class. Alex had seen Rachel and Jesse in various occasions walking together very couple like, but Jesse had quickly put him out of his mistaken supposition.
Jesse shot a death glare at his friend who laughed into his drink, knowing exactly how to make Jesse lose his patience.
"I don't belong here." Finn said suddenly. Rachel glanced up at him quickly and then back down to the ground. The trees around them an evidence of the small rain that had graced them that cold night.
"Why'd you say that?" She was asking this, and she knew why Finn thought this. She knew she was a reason too.
"I just don't fit in here, not like Kurt and you do." He stated; his voice going lower and weaker with each word leaving his mouth.
All of her life she had tried to fit in a mold that just didn't fit, all the time. And here, in New York, she finally felt she was where she truly belonged. Maybe there's one special place for everyone and maybe this wasn't Finn's one. And it was time to face that.
"Where did you go? Back in the bar, I mean." Finn asked her with a failed attempt of an innocent tone; he knew where she had gone and with whom precisely. The only question remaining was: what for?
"I just needed to take some fresh air." She said, it wasn't an entire lie. They were walking down Central Park with Kurt and Blaine far behind them, also engaged in conversation.
"Rachel, please don't lie to me." She stopped walking, now with the knowledge that Finn, indeed, had seen Jesse and herself at some point.
"I stepped out to talk to Jesse." Saying it felt like ripping off a bandage. It was quick and momentarily painful.
"You were breaking up with him or something? What would you possibly want to talk to him about?" Rachel narrowed her eyes at his volume; loud and very angry. She knew jealousy was Finn's weak spot, she had known this since sophomore year and then a year later at junior prom he only confirmed it.
"Finn, of course not. I told you, we are just friends." She said defensively, matching his tone now.
"Really? Because to me, it seems that you two are just playing me. I'm not stupid Rachel." She stood there without replying and frowning at him; having this incredibly painful knot in her throat. She knew she couldn't leave it like this, Finn wouldn't let her toss it aside without the answer he wanted. Still, even if she lied and told him senseless stories, he had already made his mind up, she knew this.
"What happened with not wanting to lose me?" She questioned; hurt all over her voice.
"I meant that, Rachel, I really did. But I can't do this if it means you lying to me all the time." She laughed bitterly at how much hypocrisy he could get in a single statement.
"You want to go there? How about you not calling me for four months, making me worry and wonder of what you were doing; not knowing if you were being faithful or not; uncertain about our relationship! Or have you already forgotten that?" She was pretty sure this card was one she could use whenever she pleased, but at the end she could only play with it for as long as it was worth something to them both.
"That was different, okay? I didn't cheat on you." He accused her coldly and started to walk again. She stood where she was, not moving a single muscle. She did not deserve to be called a cheater.
"I didn't cheat on you with Jesse or with anybody, I want you. Which part don't you get?" She knew he had heard her voice, but he did not stop walking down the park.
There was something that was tying her up to the stoned ground; not allowing her to move and go after Finn like she always did. She realized for the very first time in her life that she was tired of it; she had done nothing wrong and like always Finn ended up being the victim. He always decided what things to remember when it was convenient for himself. And she was done with it. For good.
"Why should I believe you?" Rachel heard Finn say and she gulped down the knot in her throat, allowing her to gasp out along with her tears. This was the second time she cried that night and she wished that sometime soon her eyes would run out of tears.
Why should he believe her? Because he claims he loves her; he claims he trusts her; he claims he wanted her to be free and most importantly, he claimed he didn't want to lose her. And in that moment as she stood there watching her sad, tired reflection in through the fountain water, she acknowledged how much she wanted to be tied down to him and how much more she wanted him to let her go. Rachel had believed in Finn, she had forgiven Finn and somehow he always ended up tracing another scar on her damaged heart, then to put a light bandage on, leaving her entirely exposed to the frozen world. And once again Rachel couldn't feel the cold, just her heart tearing apart, like that long night in the tree sale, junior year.
She started walking home, supposing Finn would have directed there along with Kurt and Blaine, but she stopped walking once again.
The phone rang while he was walking towards his apartment; the few drinks he have had barely sinking in for him to feel dizzy but nothing more, so he was more than capable to get home by himself. He picked up after letting it ring for a bit.
"Hello?"
"Jesse?" He pulled the phone away from his ear and checked the contact that was lightning up his phone. Confirming that it was her voice.
"Rach, are you okay?" He spoke once his phone had returned to be pushed against his ear.
"No, I-I feel like dying, Jesse." She had been crying, and it didn't take a genius to figure out why.
"What happened?" Jesse asked, concerned for his friend.
"Finn...he-"
"What did he do now?" How many times is that guy going to screw it up?
"We had a fight, he started yelling and saying he didn't fit in here, and that you and I were playing him." Her voice was falling apart again.
"What? Why would he think that?" He asked, with all the ignorance in the world but something told him he already knew the answer, still, the guy couldn't possibly be so stuck in the past.
Yes, Rachel and he had been a couple once upon a time. Yes, he threw an egg at her but he had apologized and she had taken him back, as a friend, nothing more. And Jesse had assured Finn he wouldn't try anything this time, of course he didn't expected the guy to trust him suddenly after all. But he had thought he would try.
"The night he got here..." She started slowly.
"Rachel, we didn't do anything," But they almost had and they knew it. Jesse still was confused as in if Rachel and Finn had been a couple at the time, he knew, that they weren't according to her but the other half of the relationship was non-respondent. And that was enough to be thoughtful about their actions.
"I know," she said, swallowing in her earlier confusion. "You're right, it's just-"
"Rach, it's pretty late now," he paused. "Where are you?" The water running down from the fountain suddenly went audible for him.
"Central Park but you're right, it is late and I better get home." The instant worrying thought crossed his mind like a flash. And he didn't think his next words for a second.
"Are you alone?"
"Yeah." She replied sniffing. His heartbeat raised with concern and he automatically function with adrenaline, just to get to her.
"Don't move, I'm coming." He said firmly and walked back to where he had come from.
"You're here." Her eyes were red and puffy, all the proof he needed to know she had been crying a lot since she called. She was sitting on the ground, her back to the fountain.
"I said I'd come." He walked slowly towards her and finally sat down next to her.
"They're all gone." She said, touching her cheek and searching for any trace of the tears that by now had stopped flowing. "And I thought I would be fine but I'm not, Jesse." She looked up at him; her eyes were filled with actual worry, the curve of her lips twitched into not letting herself sob any more.
"It's okay, Rach." He shushed and rounded her once again with his arms, squeezing her slightly.
"Finn's jealous of you, he has always seen you as competition." He opened his mouth to reply but was stopped by her words. "And before you say anything, I think he has reasons to."
He stared blankly at her, he had not a single clue as in what was what she wanted; what she wanted from him. He was scared that Rachel might want something he could not provide again, not this time. He smiled hesitantly at her and touched her cheek soothingly.
"I know." He simply said, staring at her, right in the eye. This was one of those times were he couldn't read Rachel Berry, not at all. Her brown eyes were like locks and to every single one of them Jesse didn't had a key. Those eyes that had always been an eternal mystery every time he looked at them. "But anyway, he had no right to yell at you, and you and I know there might be reasons for him to be jealous but that doesn't justify him." She nodded, closing her eyes, which were sore now.
There was a long soothing silence where she just placed her head onto his shoulder and stared away, feeling at every second how her chest ached less and less at the touch of his fingertips on her forearm. She felt protected again.
Jesse wanted to punch Finn, to walk into that very dangerous neighborhood and just punch him in the face. One thing was being "hands off" but Finn couldn't just do that to Rachel. He knew it wasn't his place to take care of her like this, but that place was taken by the very same person who had made her cry and hurt in the first place.
"Come on, I'm going to walk you home." He stood up and spread a hand to her, she looked at it hesitantly and took it before hugging him again.
"Jesse, I don't want to go back home yet." He sighed and pursed his lips together, then nodded slowly.
He felt an obligation to get her home safe, but she didn't want to go to her apartment. And he would do anything for Rachel to feel comfortable and safe, even if it meant not taking her directly to her boyfriend and to the place she was supposed to be right now. And if that safe place was him, that was something he could provide and gladly so.
"How does my apartment sound?"