Hello, it's me.
Okay, you can through rotten stuff at me now, I had to do that someday. Here it is, another marvelous chapter, fit any other adjective there if you want :( Swan Song will be a three parted and I'm sorry if this one is a little confusing, but the inspiration came to me this way so just go with it xD
As always, thank you for your reviews, they make my day a lot better :D and don't worry, next chapter will have something you hopefully like ;) anyways, enjoy!
He couldn't pretend anymore; this was affecting him and not just slightly. This problem was becoming something that kept him up all night thinking and scheming, something that drew him away from Rachel and he didn't want that, but at the same time he was craving for it. Everything was just stupid. Jesse realized that maybe it was the common scene of 'I never had anything and now that I do I don't know what to do with it', but the difference was that he did know what to do with it, the simple problem here was if he wanted to or not.
He played the perfect boyfriend with Rachel every day, took care of her with the qualities he knew he didn't have. He could be devoted, just not that much. He could be selfless, but just not that much. He could toss aside his own needs and put hers first, but not like that. He wasn't kidding anybody really, even Rachel knew he wasn't the perfect boyfriend; and she wanted Jesse anyway. And that put him in a different situation, because he wanted her too, it was just that, he wasn't so sure how much he did. And Rachel didn't deserve that.
Because he had let her go and as he had said a million times, it wasn't easy; giving up on something you craved for a long time leaves you empty until you have something else to move on with. And then when he accomplished it, he was thrown in the same school with the same classes with her again, but the good news were that she still had Finn and Jesse could play the selfish bastard he had always been in that particular love story, but then Rachel Berry made sure of reminding him why it was that he had wanted her so much, why the simple thought of her didn't let him concentrate in UCLA. And why when he was so far from her it hurt more than being so close. She had been so full of light and when Jesse saw her again in New York she was lacking of that, he made sure she recovered it and shined the brightest of them all. Because it turned out that, at the end, he was in love with her. Jesse then asked himself if he had ever stopped. The answer to that question didn't matter anymore though, because he had her back and he fell again on that field of roses, forgetting, if for only a slight moment, how it had always been a battlefield there. And he began to fight with nothing and everything again unconsciously.
But, also, truth was he didn't have to overthink it so much. It was a Yes or No solution; something so simple can't be so hard to decide. Bad thing was, that Jesse always overthought things, no matter what, he always did, and when he finished, he decided if the choice was worth taking. He had been a teenager once, true, but never a stupid one.
He had changed; he had become a mature person now; he had been set in changing and making Rachel notice those changes, and now that she had, Jesse realized that his plan went as far as that. And time wasn't stopping for him either, so he needed to decide.
And he did. That he hadn't been stupid then, didn't mean he could't be stupid now.
"You need the perfect dress."
"I have dresses, I can manage with them just fine, but thank you, Kurt." Because, seriously, Rachel had gowns and money wasn't flying through her open window and it wouldn't anytime soon. She had been invited to the Winter Showcase at NYADA, Carmen Tibideaux had given her the invitation personally, and everyone in the room looked at her like she was literally shinning, and so suddenly people she had never talked to before, began to be friendly. This is how it should've felt to be a cheerleader in McKinley, Rachel thought, this is what being popular feels like. She didn't dislike it, at all. Rachel was known for loving a good spotlight, but she had also learnt that this kind of attention isn't always good.
"But none of them is perfect for the situation. This is a once in a lifetime event, you need a dress to go with it." Kurt insisted, he was so glad for her, so excited, that it was apparently contagious, for she started to feel nervous with his words; he was right, maybe this was a once in a lifetime experience. Maybe, she wouldn't have this again.
"Hmm, you should've just said so, I'll have my dads ship me my once in a lifetime gown from Ohio, didn't thought I'd need it so soon." She was teasing, some unknown department for Rachel. Everyone knew Rachel Berry didn't kid. For some, she was the most intense and serious person they have had the pleasure or, well, displeasure to meet. Kurt glared at her.
"Why do I get the feeling I'm more excited about this than you are?"
"Because you are." Kurt took a sit at their small and rectangle table, he looked confused, and how wouldn't he be?
"What is going on?" He voiced his question, this was odd.
"I don't have time to be excited, because ever since I got the invitation I've been so nervous I can't eat. I'm going to screw this up, Kurt." She suddenly felt the need to sit down too. It was true, she had been feeling so sick, and she felt awful because this had never happened to her. She was always ready for the show. But perhaps this wasn't just about it.
"Rachel, you can't possibly. You're the single most terrifying and driven person I have ever met." She chuckled. But something strangely close to melancholia sneaked up on her. She had been that person Kurt talked about, but, truth was that being that person had cost her friends and had also cost her being the teenager she always wanted to be. Now, she was about to turn nineteen and all she could remember about her past teenage years was practicing and rehearsing and mess. She was so done with that person.
Kurt stared at her while she was silent and thinking, he knew her all too well, but still, he still couldn't read her mind, all that was left was for her to decide and tell him what was going on in that troubled head of hers.
"All that I know, is that you're going to do great, you'll see. But, you won't if you don't have the perfect dress." A smile broke into Rachel's face.
"Fine. We'll go shopping, but if later on you complain about how we don't have anything to eat, I'll kill you." She warned, and Kurt grinned at having succeed on his task.
"Oh, perfect, we're starting a new diet then." Rachel rolled her eyes. She loved going shopping with Kurt, obviously, when she had enough sugar in her system to keep up with him, but she wasn't quite sure if she'd be able to deal with him a month long with an empty stomach. "I'm thinking pink, pink is definitely your color." Rachel snorted at his suggestion. She liked pink good enough, but that was part of the old Rachel too.
"How about black?"
"What? Are we going to your funeral now? We want you to shine, Rachel." He made an exaggerated gesture with his hands at which Rachel just smiled.
"I can do that in black too." She pushed.
"Come on, Berry, I need you to cooperate with me, I can't do this on my own, dressing you was always the big leagues." She glared at him, as she massaged her temple, not because it actually hurt, but when Kurt got all proactive she had the need to do so.
"If it is too much work, I can wear a dress I already own." Kurt stared at her for a moment as if studying her and then shook his head in disappointment.
"Dear lord, you have so much to learn and I have so much to teach." He stood up from his sit and grabbed her hand, pulling her along with him towards the door.
"Wait, who made you the teacher?" She protested, as she let herself be pushed downstairs and then outside the building. The sun was still there, shining in the middle of the sky, Rachel looked at her phone for the hour. 12:44 p.m. There was a shopping trip ahead of her and an urgent need for caffeine, one that wouldn't damage her vocal cords of course. Changes like those do tend to change you, that they do. But Rachel Berry is still Rachel Berry.
She passed along these streets everyday to get to NYADA, she enjoyed Manhattan everyday with a happiness of this being her permanent life, her only life. This excited her every day. The crowd was never disturbing except if she was on a rush or the heat was just too much in the city. But, today was different, thanking God for the winter and the cold that made the lack of space a little more worth taking. And still, Kurt managed to make her feel claustrophobic, with that high pitch little voice of his.
"I liked the red one, did you like the red one too, Rachel?" They were exiting a store, she had no idea which, she had stopped looking at the names after the third one. She grimaced.
"I don't know, it seemed a little too...what's the word? Santana."
"Oh, give me a break, not because she can be the devil sometimes means she's the only one allowed to wear red."
"Maybe she's the only one who looks good in red." Kurt seemed to consider it.
"We've been through five stores and you haven't liked anything, maybe it's time to pull out the little black dress?" His uplifting persona was erasing away, Rachel could tell, she felt bad because, maybe, she had been the one to do so. But the sickness in her stomach was still holding up on debts.
"I don't think I even have one." She said, after going through her wardrobe mentally.
"Then, what have you been buying the past three years of your life? Oh, that's right, I forgot, reindeer sweaters, my bad." Rachel narrowed her eyes, but he was right, that was pretty much all that she had owned before getting to New York.
"Shut. They were cute. They were trendy once, remember?" She tried to defend.
"It was almost three years ago in Lima, Ohio and I don't know how many times you have to hear this, but they were carrousel horses." Rachel sighed frantically, a little irritated, but not because of Kurt, because of several other reasons she had or hadn't acknowledged yet.
"Again with that? They were exactly the same! Horses and reindeers, what's the freaking difference?!" Her tone had raised, she'd realized that after two or three passerbys looked at her funnily. She sighed again, this time with weariness.
"This isn't really about the reindeers, is it?" Kurt looked at her sympathetically.
"It's not even about the dress." She admitted. He half smiled at her and then nodded in comprehension. He put his arm inside hers and pulled her along with him again.
"Maybe we should take a break." Rachel flinched slightly, but Kurt didn't seem to notice this as he kept walking normally. "Let's go eat something, my treat, you still need to buy yourself a gown." Rachel nodded, agreeing.
After grabbing a bite at a new restaurant they discovered walking by, the painful and awfully long shopping trip continued. While eating, Kurt had told Rachel all about the latest gossip at work; he said he was like Isabel's second in command at ; Isabel had told him that he was going big in this one, that he had the fresh and young perspective that would lead him to great places in fashion. He also told her about the dream he had, in which he was like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, and he was too, as in the movie, really mean to his assistant. After a long and surprisingly richly argumentative conversation of all the papers Anne Hathaway had done, they paid the bill and walked again in the Manhattan streets. The two, or more like just Kurt, decided to go into a big three floor store, he said she would have more choices and fortunately more space to walk, so she went inside gladly.
"How about purple?" Kurt asked nonchalantly as he used his phone.
"Have you ever seen me wear purple?" He looked up at her, doing a memory drill, he seemed to have an epiphany.
"You're right, I have never seen you in a purple garment, of any kind. Maybe purple can be your new color!" He added with a gigantic grin. Kurt put his phone inside his pocket again and went in search for something exclusively purple, Rachel smirked, amused at how he could act like a little kid sometimes and shook her head; there was a reason why she didn't use purple. Wrong for her skin tone.
She looked around the dresses for a while longer; some were too shiny, others were too boring, everything was wrong. And she found herself wanting to find a dress, Kurt had rubbed off on her after all. She didn't want to wear any of the dresses she had at home.
"Found it!" Kurt came walking to her with a purple, long sleeved nightgown, the color was way too bright, she didn't like it, and it even hurt to look at it.
"No way." She stated. "I'm not wearing that to a once in a lifetime event."
"But you'll look so pretty in it." Kurt insisted with a pout, still, Rachel wouldn't give in. "At least try it on. Maybe it'll prove you wrong and you'll look amazing in it." Rachel remained silent. "If you don't like it we can move along, it's not like you're compromising to it." Rachel sighed and snatched the dress away from Kurt's hand, walking towards the dressing rooms as he followed right behind her.
Her gray sweater was off, her skinny jeans too, the boots stayed and she put the hideous dress on, it wasn't hard to fit, because it fit her right, at least the size was correct. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked fully awoken and lighted, which did not match how she felt; even after eating, she still felt tired and dizzy. Her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail, she put back in place the bangs that had gone off place. The mirror was telling her something; you look great, but she did not feel great. And as it was, she turned out to be right, she absolutely hated the dress and how she looked in it, but anyways, she went out of the dressing rooms to prove herself right to Kurt. Only when she did, Kurt wasn't the only one there.
"Jesse." She frowned, all the weariness gone of her face, now something else was building up inside of her. "What are you doing here?" He looked compromised to answer, like, he didn't want to.
"I called him, I figured I'd call up the big guns; someone you listen to?" Answered Kurt instead, and Jesse looked grateful for a moment. Then, Rachel looked into the blue haunting eyes, there was something else in there, something she hadn't seen last time she saw him, but couldn't recognize. Instead of trying to, she looked away from him and directed her eyes anywhere but at the tall figure a few feet away from her. "Oh, God, no, take that abomination off." Rachel snatched herself back, that's right, they were looking for a dress.
"I told you so, but you still wouldn't listen." Rachel retorted, her heart began to raise its beat, she could feel him staring at her, but she wouldn't give any signs she did.
"Take that off, while I go find something slightly less horrible and...gold?" Rachel nodded at him as she watched Kurt walk away.
"And no long sleeves!" She called after him. Suddenly, she realized, she had been left alone with Jesse. She had every intention to go hide inside the dressing rooms, but he spoke before she could do as much as move.
"Congratulations." He started. "Kurt told me you were invited to the Showcase." She pursed her lips together and willed herself to look at him, after she did, Rachel nodded and forced a smile.
"Yeah, thanks, congratulations to you too. You were all Casey could talk about, she's proud." Jesse chuckled slightly.
"She says I should do a dance number at the Case but, I don't know." He looked at her pointedly, he wanted her opinion on it.
"I...I don't know, maybe you could repeat Bohemian Rhapsody of 2010?" She tried to smile again, but she could tell she wasn't being convincing, and yet, she could have cared less. Jesse tried to form a halfhearted smile too, but it seemed as if he was reminded of something that kept him from.
"I think I may need Vocal Adrenaline for that, and I'm done with them."
"Sick of all the Redbulls?" She tried to joke and he chuckled slightly.
"Sick of the IVs." He replied, equally intending to lift up some of the tension or the awkwardness, whatever they were experiencing, they couldn't quite tell.
But then, as if on cue and a holly savior, Kurt appeared, with a golden dress, it was pretty enough, but still, it wasn't dazzling on the eye, not quite what they spent all afternoon looking for.
"I fought a lady for this one, so you better like it." Kurt handed the dress to Rachel, not at all surprised she had stayed and talked to Jesse instead of going into the dressing rooms, but he was oblivious as if to the why. "Or, at least try to." Rachel looked at Jesse and smiled at him shyly before going back inside the dressing rooms, this time, Kurt couldn't help but notice the coldness in what usually irradiated heat. He frowned, what happened? Then, like a stroke of light, all the pieces began to be put together in the giant puzzle. He had texted Jesse since back at the restaurant and then called him as he went looking for the purple dress; he had sounded hesitant on whether to come and help Kurt or not. Then, there was Rachel's attitude since...well, he didn't quite remember when she started to act all apathetic and then he also recalled that Rachel began to be at home almost every day at all times. The question was inevitable.
"Did you broke up?" Jesse turned to see him, he frowned in confusion and shook his head.
"She didn't tell you?" He sounded surprised.
"Tell me what?" Kurt pushed slightly further. Jesse stood in silence again; he had been real shocked when Kurt called claiming Rachel would only listen to him, then, when he got here, he realized Rachel didn't know anything about the shout out for help and she wasn't the one who wanted to see him either, but she couldn't be blamed of that.
"I, uh, have to go, please tell Rachel to call me later." He retrieved himself away from Kurt graciously, ignoring the latest question and walked to the door.
"Hey! St. James, get back here! She didn't tell me what?!" Kurt rushed after Jesse, but once he was out the door, he saw Jesse cross the street and figured that even if he followed him to his apartment, Jesse wouldn't tell him anything. He had to ask Rachel. But why wouldn't she have told him before? And then again, tell him what exactly?
Kurt went back inside the store, fully prepared to walk in on Rachel in the dressing rooms and demand for some answers, but she was standing right there, looking at the door with a pained expression and dressed back into her clothes. Kurt sighed, she would tell him when she was ready.
"Didn't like the dress?" He asked.
"Made me feel puffy." She explained, her eyes still set on the door, as if she was expecting for someone to walk in again. "I think I might be using that little black dress after all." Her voice was a little sore, as if she had been crying, but her face was fine and her eyes weren't red, no sign of recent crying, but that didn't mean it hadn't been any.
"I thought you didn't own one." He said, but still he put his arm around her in a comforting way and walked with her to the exit.
"Anything will do." She said as they walked back to the subway station. "As long as it's not purple." He chucked and smiled at her.
Oh, if he had had any idea of what was going on inside her head, he wouldn't have even began with the dress.
Thanks for reading and sticking up with me and the more likely than not late updates, feel free to review any kind of constructive criticism or thoughts on this, it'll be truly appreciated :))