Back at it again. I swear I don't do this on purpose, I tried to update earlier but school and everything doesn't want me to concentrate on writing this for you guys. Hopefully, now that I'm officially out of the hook of the ungodly finals, I'll be able to update sooner and maybe revise the whole fic :D it is not done yet though.

Thank you for the reviews and the follows and the favs, you don't know how much it means to me. Love you. Enjoy!

They were back at their apartment now, Kurt was heating up the left of take out from the day before and Rachel was sitting on her bed, staring at the curtain that separated her room from the rest of the apartment; it was a somewhat wine color, she liked it, but as always, Kurt had been the one to choose it, like most of the apartment had. Everything that decorated the walls and the furniture was something she was bound to like, but it didn't exactly scream Rachel Berry. Of course, that she couldn't turn their apartment into some kind of shrine for those Broadway legends she looked up to, although, she knew that if she wanted to do that, there wouldn't be much of a complaint from Kurt either.

She could tell and understand that Kurt was developing the usual and urgent need to know what had happened; like the hot gossip of the week he necessarily had to know to live or die for, and she would've told him since it happened, if it wasn't for that she had the same exact need he did. She had positively no idea what had occurred between Jesse and herself. One day they were as best as they could be, and the other he was growing apart and then, it happened. As simple as a three step plan to lose weight, and not as hard to do as the twelve step plan to push an addiction out of you. Rachel wondered briefly what that meant, was she something he was able to get rid of so easily? She couldn't be. Whose fault had it been? Another thing she couldn't even answer to herself. Now, maybe she had a vague idea of the situation, and maybe she didn't want to admit into it, because then she'd have to fix it, like she always did and she didn't know why.

She looked around her bed; the white sheets, everything around her looked so organized and tidy, she almost felt the need to make it all messy like she was feeling just to have a potential portrait of her inside thoughts. She remembered just then, how it had felt to have his eyes buried in her, how it had made her palms sweaty and her face heat, that, in spite of everything else; she had chosen to ignore the facts in the afternoon and enjoy whatever he was making her feel with just a glance. She was surprised Jesse had even wanted to come to a place he had known she would be at, because everything was still just so fresh. And she was surprised at what she felt when she saw him, she didn't feel the painful pounding in her head this once as she had when she saw him at NYADA, her heart had fluttered in something as terrible as hope.

What was she thinking now? She had hope on this? Rachel had to be utterly and completely out of her mind. He had been pretty set on his decision and she couldn't have done anything to change that. And, try as she wanted, she wasn't going to plead. This was supposed to be different, she thought, and anyway she ended up in the same place as a few years ago, confused and with a sore heart.

It all happened about two weeks ago, almost after Thanksgiving, he came to her apartment for a date they had planned out, but instead of taking her out as anticipated, he apologized and said he had something urgent to attend to, Rachel was worried all night long, because Jesse didn't usually act like this and if he had, then it must have been something important that pulled him out of their date. That trustful thought was banished when at a little later than 3:00 a.m., Rachel's phone rang and she answered sleepy headed to a drunken ass Jesse.

"I, uh." Giggles. "I'm not sure what to do, Rach." He said straight away after Rachel answered, she took a few moments to register Jesse's state.

"Jesse? What do you mean?"

"What to do about you." Pause. "You always seem to have the answers to...everything, always know who to choose and who to spare, I could use some of that wise advice right about now." She sat upright on her bed and turned her bedside lamp on, rubbing off her eyes some of her sleepiness, she yawned. Rachel could've sworn she heard spite in that statement, which she didn't like.

"Jesse, where are you?" She questioned, concerned, and choosing to just not acknowledge his remark in order to seem ignorant to all of the raising questions.

"Oh, you know, with some friends...at a bar." The background made itself clear to her right then and the sounds from outside their conversation seemed to get louder, after Jesse hushed a few laughter and then chuckled himself, he continued. "Hey! Remember when you danced that weird funk number in front of Vocal Adrenaline?" There was a tiny silence but he didn't wait for an answer, he knew she did, he had thrown eggs at her days before, not something you let go of so easily. "You looked so hot in those shorts, I swear I didn't even listened to the whole number, all I was looking for was you." Rachel smiled a little and then chuckled slightly while shaking her head. Asshole.

"Are you okay?"

"Well, judging for the...one, two, three, four drinks I had, well, I'd say I'm pretty swell." Rachel chuckled at his words, she had never heard Jesse use the word 'swell'.

"Jess, do you need me to call a cab for you? Pick you up even? I mean, it's pretty late and you're, well, you're drunk."

"No, no, I'm fine. You wouldn't even be let into the bar, you're eighteen." Then, he burst out laughing at what he had just said. "Did you hear that? I'm dating a teenager. Why would I even agree to date a sophomore in the first place? I was a senior for Christ's sakes! Seniors don't date sophomores." He said, as reprimanding himself for once. Rachel listened and didn't know how to react, for one, what he was saying was fairly amusing, and, he was making her feel small again, like she was insignificant.

"You don't have to if you don't want to." There was more silence at that. Even Rachel surprised herself with her own words, she hadn't wanted to snap. And Jesse gulped.

"No, no, Rach, I didn't mean that!" He sounded actually terrified. "I love you." He didn't say anything else, and she decided to second him on that action; all Rachel could hear on the background of her thinking was his agitated breathing through the phone now.

"Jesse..."

"And I couldn't care less about you being eighteen, really, you will be nineteen in a few days. And, well, now you know why I don't know what to do."

All Rachel remembered after was freaking out, and not because what he had said, but because of how he had said it. That he had to be drunk and almost hyperventilating to be able to tell her. She couldn't hold it to him for not gathering the courage, as weird as it sounded though, because he was Jesse St. James, confident as can be. But still, it stung her, because this was different and as it was, he might as well have said it in the past tense. Again.

She shook her head immediately after she found herself thinking of that night, as if somehow with the toughest movement of her head, all of the memories would fly away with the air. And after taking a deep breath she walked outside her room, pushing the curtain, and hesitating to whether or not go to the kitchen with Kurt, but it was too late to even think about it, she was there already.

"You look worn off." Pointed out Kurt after he gave her a once over. "And we weren't at that many stores today."

"Yes, well, I haven't slept very well." Kurt was serving the heated up food on one plate. He hummed in acknowledge of her explanation.

"Want some?" He asked, referring to the food now on top of the table.

"No, I haven't been very hungry either." Kurt sat down at the table and Rachel did the same. After Kurt raised one brow at her, he began to eat.

"This is what a cry for help looks like to me. Excuse me if I'm prying, but I'm concerned, Rach."

"It is not a cry for help, it's just that school's been exhausting me a lot lately." She justified again, but uselessly, she knew very well that Kurt wouldn't believe her anyway; he knew there was something to tell.

"You're not going to tell me, are you?" Rachel looked away slightly, but there was nothing to see, just the apartment she knew from heart and head. She wanted to tell Kurt what was going on, and what had happened, but something was holding her from and she couldn't tell what it was. Shame? Hurt? Fear? Maybe if she told him, it would all become true; one truth she didn't know if she could bare.

"Not yet." Kurt nodded and kept eating.

"It's fine if you don't want to. I just want you to be fine." He sighed heavily, as if giving up. Rachel smiled half-heartedly at him.

"So, you called in the middle of the night, with very interesting anecdotes, if I recall well."

It was the first time she saw him since the call, it was Monday morning and they were getting ready for yet another squeezing week at NYADA. She hadn't wanted to bring it up, at all, in hopes that maybe he didn't remember that call and everything could go on with its usual course. But to her bad luck, she had felt the punishing need to confront him about it.

"Huh?" He turned to see her, with a confused frown, no doubt of that. But he leaned in to give her a kiss hello.

"You don't remember? You called me to see if I could give you some advice." He looked confused for another tiny moment and then Rachel saw how realization dawned upon him. He looked embarrassed all of a sudden.

"Shit." He muttered to himself. "I'm so sorry, Rach, I knew I had to leave my cell phone off, I didn't mean any of it, I promise." Now Rachel frowned. Apparently, she thought, he wasn't fully aware of what he had said, so she tried to tranquilize herself.

"Any of it?" She echoed.

"None of it." He assured with an insecure tone, nodding his head.

"Do you even remember, Jesse?" There was a silence and he looked away, Rachel noticed that he looked everywhere but at her.

"Rach, I'm sorry I didn't tell you where I was going and that I cancelled our date like that; it's just that my friends invited me out and I had said no so many times that I couldn't bring myself to do it again." He kept rambling about all the reasons why he lied to her, but all Rachel was thinking was how she hadn't even remembered she had to be mad at him for that. The rest of the weekend since he had called, she had been so focused on just what he had said and how, but she didn't care to recall why it was that he had said that to her and where and when. Everything was just wrong. And after watching his mouth move aimlessly for about a little more than a minute she couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm not mad about that, Jesse."

"You're not?" He asked, a little startled. But then, he frowned.

"No, and I'm actually not mad at all." She confessed. Jesse's face seemed to relax automatically after her words. "I'm hurt though."

"Wha-why? Is it because of something I said?" He questioned, this time with concern in his voice, which just made Rachel look at all the irony.

"Why would I even tell you if you don't even remember?" She snapped; although she wasn't going to voice his actions, it would just made her look pathetic. And then she thought, that maybe he hadn't even meant it as he said before, that he could've told that to a bottle of rom as well, it made no sense to try and find meaning. Rachel sighed. "Call me if your memory comes back." She began to walk away, but Jesse caught her arm at last.

"Rach, no, don't walk away like this. Tell me, please." He looked at her in the eyes profusely. "I-Did I say something to offend you? Because if I did, let me tell you I'm an asshole, but you already know that too." Rachel shook her head after she half smiled at him.

"No, it wasn't something you did on purpose. I, just, can't tell if you were serious about your words, Jesse, I want to believe you were, but, still it wouldn't be fine. I wouldn't feel fine either way, so it's better if we just let this be like it is right now." He frowned again, but this time softly and then he sighed shakily.

"Did I, by any chance, pour my heart out by the phone?"

"You didn't even got that far."

"Thank god, you wouldn't want to meet my heart; is a dark, red bull induced place, not everyone can handle it." Rachel didn't hold back the smile. "But only someone- that, I don't know, her last name may be Berry, her middle name may or may not be Barbra -has a hold to it."

"What are you saying?"

"Me? I'm not saying anything." He said innocently as Rachel gave him a suspicious glance.

"Jesse." She warned.

"We'll just have to wait 'til my memory comes back I guess."

He didn't let her go away after, they walked together until they had to go their separate ways. Rachel began to think that maybe, yes, everything was wrong, but that didn't mean it couldn't be fixed. She still couldn't tell what he had meant or if he had meant any of it, because he hadn't actually repeated those three words, but still, something inside her was sweet and it felt good to think about it; it would feel good to say those three words back, even if it had to wait a little longer.

"Rachel! I've got news!" Kurt yelled to the air as he entered the apartment with no intent of closing the door after him. He looked around the living room and the kitchen to find no one there; he tossed his coat and his bag in the couch and ran to Rachel's room, there wasn't anyone there either, or in his room; he frowned and ran towards the bathroom door, knocking on it intensely. "Rachel, open the damn door!"

"What do you want, Kurt? I'm changing." He snorted.

"Oh, come on, I thought we were past that." He heard no reply and rolled his eyes. "Come out! I have to tell you something."

"Wait, I, let me change back into my clothes."

"Hmm, change back from what exactly?" He inquired.

"I found my 'little black dress' this afternoon. Except it isn't little or black or really wearable to many other occasions." Rachel announced wearily through the door and then there was a high squeal from Kurt.

"What?! And you bought it without me? Traitor!" Rachel chuckled and was glad that she had the door between them, or else she had to control her facial expressions to a point where she would look ashamed of such betrayal.

"We're back here again? I told you, Kurt, I'm perfectly capable of buying clothes for myself." She defended herself once again, she was truly tired of having this same conversation with him over just a dress.

"But the right ones? Oh god, I don't know what to expect anymore, just tell me you don't have to wear knee high socks with it and we'll be fine."

"And that's why you don't get to see me in my new dress." Kurt remained silent at that and considered his options.

"But, who'll tell you if it looks good on you? You need me more than I need you." He tried.

"I don't think so."

"Rachel, please, I need to see it." He pleaded against the door.

"Uh, fine." She muttered with annoyance and walked to open the bathroom door, only the higher force knew what Kurt would have to say about it; Rachel thought that probably he would have her return the dress and if he had to, make one for her himself.

"You know, I like it." Rachel blinked twice rapidly, not believing her ears.

"You do? And you have nothing else to say about it?"

"Well, no, I think it's pretty enough, stunning enough, it is enough and if you like it..." Rachel looked at him oddly and then looked at herself down, it was a long gray nightgown, with a flat fall and a strapless torso, it didn't have an open back or anything too risky, the upper part of it was sawed with little white pattern that Rachel liked, it braced her correctly and her hair let loose looked amazing with it. She had liked it when she saw it through a store window and she had wondered if it fitted her, it did, and she didn't hesitate much to take it home. Plus, it had been on sale.

"But, you like it too, don't you?" Kurt smirked.

"Now, who needs who?" Rachel glared. "Okay, okay, I'll back off; yes, I like it, you made your right choice on a once in a lifetime event 'what to wear', but, however, if I had been with you I would've chosen something much more sparkly, for when the lights hit you, you'll be truly incandescent." Rachel laughed.

"Then nobody would be able to look at me."

"Even better, they'll focus on just your talented voice, what any good singer wants."

"Then, why even bother with a dress?" She replied. Kurt tilted his head to both sides.

"Point taken." He gave in as he walked to the couch where he had left his things and let Rachel to exit the bathroom. "Aren't you going to change?"

"I was doing to when you came in yelling, now I'm in no mood to change from my pretty enough dress." She walked to the living room and sat down next to Kurt on the couch. "Right, you have good news?" Kurt's eyes lighted up with excitement and he nodded his head yes, his smile got bigger.

"I got a date." He stated. Rachel's eyes widened with surprise.

"Really? When? With whom?" Now, she shared her best friend's excitement. Kurt flushed slightly and bit his inner lip.

"Yes. This guy I work with that is always asking me how my day is and brings good coffee in everyday, he even memorized what coffee I like and how I like it, he's really nice."

"Oh, he must be truly determined if he memorized your two pages long coffee order." Kurt rolled his eyes at Rachel.

"It is not that complicated. But, anyway, today he asked me out just as I was leaving the office for lunch."

"Why didn't he just buy you lunch?"

"Right, I suggested so myself, but he said he wanted to buy me dinner, that he wanted to do this the right way, and that he really liked me; so I said yes." He bounced once on the couch out of excitement and he squealed again, but this once it was truly out of joy; Rachel couldn't help but join the girly celebration. She was so glad, so glad that Kurt was happy and that he was moving on from Blaine; that he was moving on from the hurt that all of that had caused.

"That's so great! I'm so happy for you, Kurt. When are you going out?" He twitched his mouth into a grimace.

"Saturday night."

"Really? This Saturday night? The showcase night?" He nodded and offered an apologetic look, but if Rachel had looked at it otherwise he would have looked as if he was asking for permission.

"Yes, but I can cancel, maybe we can go out for a Sunday brunch...serves the purpose, more casual." He offered, but Rachel could tell he was just giving in. She shook her head.

"No, no, you should go, he sounds like a good guy, we need more of those around here." Kurt smiled genuinely at her with a grateful glint, but couldn't hold that up too long when he managed to think into her words; he was all over again reminded of what Jesse said, of what Rachel wasn't telling him, but he wasn't going to push any further.

"Okay, but I promise as soon as the date is over I'll go and watch you perform."

"No, I'll be fine, you'll cut the date short if you do that." Rachel insisted, not very sure why.

"But I really want to see you sing, you've put so much effort in that song, and I think I deserve the reward after hearing you do high pitch warm-ups all the mornings." He pointed. "You do want me to come, don't you?"

"Yes! But I want you to have a good time too."

"I'll tell you what; maybe after dinner I can bring him by and show off what a talented best friend I have." He said, smiling.

"Stop it, you're making me blush." She teased. "But, I think I'd like that, seems like a good idea."

"Then, it's set, you'll meet Matt on Saturday night. He'll be the one forced to clap at every performance, you'll spot him easily."

"Then, I guess I'll wave at him when I see him."

"Please do."

She was rushing pass the halls and down to the lobby, because if she had any hope of getting as far away from there as possible and, also, in a record time, she had to run. Bad thing she had decided to wear her high-heeled boots that day. And...Why was she running, again?

Ah, that's right. Gossip.

She hadn't been the proud victim of it in a very long time, so that she almost felt nostalgic at the pressing feeling on her chest, almost being the key word here.

Everything had been like a complete and utter normal Thursday at NYADA until a certain friend of Jesse's stopped to say hello and delivered a so much not needed information, and that she did with a smirk the entire time they exchanged words.

"Hello, Rachel. I don't think we've been properly introduced." Erin had stopped Rachel on her tracks and had stood in front of her like a giant wall that wouldn't let the brunette move. "I'm Erin."

"Oh, okay, hello." She made an attempt to move and walk away but the blonde haired girl remained steady in a challenging way.

"I'm a friend of Jesse's." She said in an explanatory way. Rachel frowned and tried to relax, but she had started to feel trapped all of a sudden and her lips pursed in consideration. "I do wanted to apologize, though."

"Apologize to me?" The other girl nodded. "What for?"

"Well, the other night we did seem to wake you up." Erin waited for a facial response, but Rachel's face turned plain, so she went on. "You sounded sleepy, tired. I can't say I understand, because Jesse told us you tend to be very intense when it comes to school. I just thought 'perfect match' since he is the same."

"It was three in the morning, I was obviously tired." Rachel even surprised herself with this, because if she was looking at Erin and hearing her the way new Rachel would, Erin would've sounded friendly and if only a little odd, but the old Rachel and gladly, the part that will never go away, had a too long of a history with girls like her, you just had to wait for the unexpected punch in the conversation, and she wasn't willing to be patient for it.

Erin's self-confident smirk seem to falter if just for the tiniest second, but Rachel was lucky enough to catch it before the blonde's face was again in an obnoxious state of apparent amusement.

"Precisely, that's why I wanted to apologize, since I was the one to insist on Jesse calling you, he didn't want to, I can tell you as much, but it wouldn't have been correct if he hadn't. Don't you agree?" Rachel didn't reply, her face stayed in a confused state for what like would seem hours to her. "But I do have to confess it came as a shock to me that you and Jesse had that kind of agreement. You just seem to be way more conservative." Rachel raised an eyebrow at her and finally she responded.

"What are you talking about?" Erin smirked once again, but she quickly replaced it with an embarrassed and obviously faked expression. This one was obviously not majoring in acting.

"The agreement you have with Jesse, you know, that you're allowed to 'see' other people." Rachel tried to remain as expressionless as possible, but at the mention of that, she couldn't do that anymore, and her face turned angry and defensive. "I admire girls that have such believe in liberalism. It's so kind of you to share, Rachel."

"Did he tell you that?" That was the first thing she dared to ask.

"Well, yes, who else? But, the other night...it didn't feel quite right without direct permission, Jesse agreed with me on that."

"Shut up."

"He kept asking for advice, but what he really meant-"

"I get it, you want to tell me you had sex with my boyfriend." Silence. "Message received. Now, get out of my way." Her lip quivered, and all she wanted to do was get away from that place, and from that girl.

"So, there is truly an agreement?" Erin questioned shamelessly as she stepped aside and watched Rachel walk hesitantly ahead.

"There is absolutely nothing anymore."

And she ran.

It hurt to think of how many times she had to tell herself not to cry, that he didn't deserve her tears after all he had made her go through. But when she got home, she hadn't been able to hold it in anymore. Kurt had been still at work, so he didn't see her melt down. After anger and fury and everything following of that were gone, reason kicked into her. She had been too impulsive and eager to believe the other girl and she had forgotten how many times good lies had been able to destroy her life. She needed to see Jesse and ask. Go straightforward.

When she had gotten to his apartment, she hesitated a lot on whether or not to knock the door. At the end deciding she had already come all the way there and that she had a purpose and needed to accomplish it.

"Rach." She contemplated his smile, it looked genuine, as if she had ever seen something like that to recognize, but the word just popped out in her mind. He was leaning in for a kiss and she wanted to push him away and begin to talk, but something that seemed to be of too many words stopped her, and she let herself be kissed.

"We, uh, I need to talk to you about something." She said flatly, looking at his eyes; those hypnotizing, and completely distracting blue pools. And watched as he frowned slightly and stepped aside to let her in.

"What's wrong?"

"You said we would have to wait until your memory came back, and well, has it?" He clenched his teeth together and ran a hand through his hair. He was nervous then.

"Rach..."

"No, that doesn't matter right now. I just want to know something."

"What is it?" He closed the door behind her and turned to once again give her his full attention.

"Someone is in the illusion that we have a sort of...agreement within our relationship and that you called me at three am last weekend to ask for some," she gulped, "permission."

"What? Who told you that?" He was confused too, good, she thought.

"Doesn't really matter who told me; I just want to know if you said you could be with other girls with my permission, Jesse."

"No! I-I would never say that. Rachel, I didn't cheat on you." He stepped closer and Rachel moved her shoulders back, not finding enough will inside of her to actually step away. "I just made a drunken spectacle out of myself, but, I would never."

"I want to believe you, so much."

"Then believe me! I didn't screw this up, I promise."

"Jesse, you can't even remember what you said to me! And I don't think you remember what you did after you called me." Rachel said. "Even though I want to believe you, I can't. And..."

Silence. Jesse opened and closed his mouth; began to say something and then just as easily he would retract whatever it was that he wasn't telling her. She began to move toward the door and that seemed to do it.

"I do remember." He said seriously. "I told you that I love you, I'd never forget something like that, because it's you and whatever has to do with you, I'm bound to remember even if I don't want to." He confessed.

"And you don't want to?"

"It's not about that." He paused. "But I never did anything with another girl, I want you, I've told you." She closed her eyes and not a second later she felt his lips on her forehead and Rachel let herself sigh, with something more than relief. She opened her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I just let myself go all crazy about this."

"It's fine, Rach, I understand." He sighed wearily and pursed his lips at her. "But...you don't trust me, Rachel, not completely anyway, do you?" He let go of her softly and not once her eyes left hers, but she was avoiding him. "I think it's pretty transparent now." Rachel looked away and bit her lip softly, she was struggling so hard on what to say to him. His voice was even hard to hear.

"I trust you, Jesse, but I've tried to let go of our rocky past and it's just still there every time I try to move past it." She crossed her arms over her chest and pulled them closer as if protecting herself. "And today when that friend of yours attacked me with all this implications, I just...I think I wanted to believe her because I thought it would be easier to believe her instead of you." He nodded and held in a deep breath before sighing.

"See, I understand that, way more than you think, Rach. But, the thing is that...I don't think we're ready for this." She frowned at his calmed words.

"Ready for what?" He sighed again and this time more shallowly. Rachel could see his Adam's apple bob up and down; that made a knot tense her every vocal cord.

"For a relationship. Ours in particular." Her frown deepened and she felt like her heart thumping under her chest could be heard in the whole room. "I waited so long for this, a really long time, and now that I have it; I don't know how to care of it, of you. And I don't want to screw it-"

"Stop. What are you talking about?" Her voice sounded paranoid, she could hear herself very well, but the problem was that her mind was freaking out too.

"I'm saying I'm not ready for this, and I don't think you are either. I'm saying we're not ready to trust each other." She couldn't think of any words and he was observational enough to catch this. "I mean, really, we were together for a few months back in high school and you once told me you didn't even know how many of it was actually true-"

"Because I don't! You used me! That's my problem, I can't let that go." Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence, but just then did she realize that Jesse might have a point, that she wasn't ready for...making a fresh start with him.

"I didn't use you, Rachel, I was just trying to help Shelby out, and I thought you knew that. But, look, you're still hurt about what happened three years ago in Ohio, it's only fair that I feel hurt about what happened two years ago in New York too, right?" Rachel winced and then placed a hand on her chest.

"We've hurt each other a lot." She muttered.

"Yes." He agreed. "I love you but with this so present, they cancel each other out, really, and I cannot have that."

"Are you serious?" She questioned, one of her hands running past her hair desperately in an anxious antic. Maybe something she had learned to mirror from him. "I mean, I know the past can be a lot and we can't hide it behind our backs just so that we don't have to see it, but I don't want to hide it anymore. We are who we are because of the mistakes we made and we get to be together because of that too."

"You don't really believe that, do you?" He smirked sadly.

"Yes, I do. Look, Jesse, we can't just expect that maybe in a couple of months what's bothering you will be less of a problem than it is now." She insisted.

"No, I know that. But, maybe in a couple of months I'll be able to stop hiding the mistakes behind my back. Now, I'm just not ready for that, for us." He said softly; his face had shifted in and odd way; all worn and sad now.

"Okay, and when will that be?"

"I don't know, but it's not about setting a date for when it's going to be, and I don't want you to wait on me. If the problem it's just that I'm not ready, it's not fair to you."

"Then, what? We break up?" She had begun to grow angry again, another kind of angry this time, something so foreign when it came to the curly haired guy in front of her. And she had no control over it.

"No, I don't want to break up with you, but I have been thinking about it, a lot, and maybe we can give ourselves some time; I don't see any other solution." He said, inexplicably mad himself too.

"How about this one? Grow up, Jesse." He seemed to hold back a flinch. "Because really, what is this about? Do you want to go back to your heartless playboy life? Say it and it's done, but don't go around telling me stories about not being ready to be with a person who obviously loves you back."

Rachel felt her heartbeat pounding heavily under her ribcage, almost painfully so, as if it was making her whole body become heavy as well, not letting her even breathe correctly into the silence that had begun to grow; the almost crowded silence between them.

"Maybe, yes, we got together really fast and we didn't sort some things out, but...but I thought that was right, because that's how it felt, just to me, apparently." She said with sharp bladed tongue.

"Rachel-"

"No," she cut him off. "I am just too tired by now; of waiting for you to become someone else, someone better and someone who will not hurt me. It's hard to just throw myself into the cliff waiting for someone to catch me when, really, I know you'll never be there. I am tired of waiting for you to become somebody I can be capable of loving without throwing myself against a wall. It is better this way, thank you, Jesse, for taking my blindfold away once more, I know I can always count on you for that. Now I know that every decision I've made this far has been wrong, that even talking to you in those showers was as stupid as it would get. You will never change." She gulped and was suddenly stroke by the lack of air; her hands were trembling and unconsciously she turned to watch the eyes she had been avoiding; was he hurt? She couldn't tell. His eyes were closed and she could see him clench them tightly for as long as it took for that second to be over. And she saw that he was, indeed, hurt, even a little regretful at once. She hadn't meant to do that, or maybe she had? "But in spite of that you always fool me into trusting you, believing that what I feel between us is real, and what was in it for you this time, huh? That's the thing I can't seem to get."

She watched his face for a minute longer, he was looking at her too, but somehow his gaze was far off too, he was looking around her now as if to see if she was really there, standing with her hands turned to fists and speaking words that were like daggers of truth. People always knew he wasn't a fanatic for direct honesty, mostly, when it was addressed to him; but this time was different, he could say as much.

He blinked once and his eyes remained closed for a second or two, attempting to speak something more, but he couldn't decide on what to say, on what would ultimately make him feel happy; apologize, be mad at her for snapping when she wasn't supposed to, for sticking the knife further than necessary? None of those seemed to be quite right, he was left with nothing to say and guilty by being speechless. When she was walking away towards the door, he felt the compulsive need to ramble on and on about his reasons and his causes, but he saw no good outcome of that. Her body was almost gone out of his apartment, all that was left was the crack of a slightly ajar door.

"Only you." He spoke up, finally and he saw how the closing stopped, as if waiting for something else to be voiced, but it was shut closed just as easily.

"Something got in for you." Kurt said as he walked past the open door of their apartment with a big, white box in his hands, it had a pink topknot tied around it. Rachel eyed it curiously from her position in the couch; she was watching project runway, a program she hadn't particularly liked before, but now that Kurt watched it constantly, she had grown fond of it.

"A gift? For me? How flattered I feel right now." She said in a mocking dreamy voice as she stood up and walked to the kitchen table, where Kurt had left the box. "It must be from my dads, a pre-birthday gift maybe." She retrieved the bow carefully from the box and set herself to open it.

"A pre-gift? I thought they were taking you on a cruise...you sure are spoiled." Rachel glared at him.

"Kurt, you're ruining my gift-opening moment." He raised a teasing brow at her and snorted while he busied himself in searching suitable food in the fridge.

"Oh, please forgive me for such cruel intent." Rachel rolled her eyes with a smile on her face. She finally opened the box and her heart stung when she recognized Jesse's handwriting.

Kurt turned to look at her and frowned; Rachel wasn't moving, she was just contemplating the insides of her gift which he couldn't see from where he was standing, so he walked to stand beside her.

"Well, problem solved!" Kurt exclaimed with excitement.

"What?" Rachel suddenly spaced herself out of her train of thought, and was startled by Kurt's words.

"See, you had a pretty enough dress prepared for the Showcase, and now, you have a fabulous dress in order. Just as I pictured it." Rachel gave him a skeptical look. "Well, not exactly as I had imagined, but it came pretty close."

"Pity then, I'll ship it back to him." Kurt looked up from the carefully bent dress to Rachel with a terrified expression.

"To Jesse?" She nodded slowly. "B-but, the dress is perfect!" She glanced at the garment quickly and then back away as if just the slight bending would make her look weak.

"Doesn't matter, if I wear it, he will think that I forgave him." She conceded as she backed away from the box and went back to the couch she had been sitting on previously.

"Rach, sweetie, I know I don't have the complete information over here as in to what happened, but, what if he doesn't want to be forgiven?" He slipped in, wondering how she would react under other kind of thinking.

"What if I am the one that has to be forgiven?"

"Oh, no, that's off the question, he sent you a dress."

"But with what intent?" She questioned, as once again she stood up and made the walk to the table, she picked up the half bent paper that had 'Rachel' written on the top and opened it with a little more than tenderness. She read slowly through the words and then frowned, throwing the sheet of paper on the table.

"Hey! What does it say? Tell me!" Kurt demanded, as if he hadn't two hands to pick the paper up, but he hadn't done that in an attempt to not disturb -and within possibilities- his best friend's privacy. Rachel sighed wearily and rubbed her eyes with her sweater sleeve.

"I-uh, it says he saw the dress in a store and that he thought it would be fitting for me and the Showcase. That he apologizes for everything past us and he wishes me the most sincere of lucks." She frowned again, deeply this time in thought.

"Well, he might as well have written that to his ugly cousin." She gave him a weary glance.

"I don't think he has one of those. His family genes are perfect." She said, and was suddenly tired of being sitting down too, so she moved to lay down on the couch, facing Kurt who was taking the dress out of the box in fascination. The dress was of a complete dark, deep blue, with three quarter sleeves, the cleavage went a little under the collar bone and it had an open back that reached higher to her waist; it had a bell-like fall and a stunning waist band full of sparkling rocks.

"Oh, but look at this Rachel! It's beautiful. You, at least, have to try it on."

"What'll be the point to that? I can't wear it to the Case, he'll know I'm giving in-into his mind games." She insisted.

"Don't be ridiculous, Rachel, he sent you a dress, you wear it, you can't read too much into that." She twitched her mouth in consideration.

"Maybe...but what if he's the one who reads too much into it?" She said. "I mean, it is just a dress..."

"With a particularly cold note." Kurt pointed.

"You're right." She said determinately. "And he doesn't get to be cold, I get to be cold!" She stood up again and snatched the dress out of Kurt's hands. "I deserve a more than a pretty enough dress."

"That you do." Kurt agreed, watching her stalk off to her room with the dress on her hands. He smirked, he liked to see fiery Rachel once in a while. Oh, he didn't know what he had missed on.

She had talked to her dads; the two men telling her that they would've loved to be there; to watch her perform on such an important event like this was. But that unfortunately they both had had to work and that plain tickets to New York just don't grow on trees. Rachel had understood completely, but still, with no support system by her side, nervousness began to grow into anxiety. Kurt had told her Matt and he would get there as soon as they were done with dinner, no, more like promised. And she had told him not to worry if they didn't make it in time, even though she was silently praying for them to speed their meal or just skip it.

She was walking around the staircase to the round room, walking away her anxiety had proven to be of no use. She was alone and she didn't see the problem in admitting that it bothered her more than it probably should, she had been alone before, it wasn't such a big deal. Except, that this day in particular, it kind of was.

She hadn't seen Jesse since she got there; he was probably having some sort of pre-show ritual that had stuck in his high school years. She could understand that, now she missed the show circles they all used to do. She probably felt like listening to a cheesy pep talk too.

She had worn the dress Jesse had sent because of a sudden act of impulsiveness; or so she had told Kurt. But, secretly, Rachel hoped that it meant something to him, even if she didn't want him acting upon it, or if the angriness was still there, the bitterness or the problem. It was a clear mistake, she could see, but it was just a dress, a simple piece of clothing that was anything but to Rachel.

Rachel began to mouth the lyrics to her song; what if she coaxed again? No, she wouldn't, she knew this song by heart. But so had she known Don't Rain on My Parade. No, she wouldn't. Not this time. Her mind insisted though.

"Hi." She heard herself saying. The moving body up the stairs stopped on his tracks and turned around with a smile. She suppressed the frown at herself, she hadn't thought she noticed him going up the stairs.

"Hey." He stepped down to her. "I thought you'd be there already."

"No, I needed to calm myself down first." He frowned slightly and eyed her carefully.

"You're nervous." He pointed, crossing his arms over his suited chest.

"Huh, hadn't noticed that." She replied sarcastically. Jesse rolled his eyes.

"I mean, I didn't know you did nervous." His mouth twitched a little. "Doesn't suit you."

"Thank you, that sure helps a lot." She added patronizingly.

"I'm sorry I can't do much to actually help, Rachel, I can offer you fifteen minutes in the janitors' closet, but I wouldn't want to ruin your dress." He said, with a smirk plastered on his face. Rachel scowled at him and looked away, then she looked down at her dress self-consciously, he was being an ass because of the dress. That alone, made her want to go back to The Village and change into her pretty enough dress while the one she was currently wearing burnt down in the street.

"Asshole." She muttered, shaking her head almost at herself; what she hoped for was a lost cause from the beginning.

"Nice comeback." He roamed his eyes all over her once more and began to pace up the stairs again. "You really look nice, by the way." He called smugly over his shoulder.

Rachel sighed and placed a hand on her forehead. What was that? Something inside herself answered that that was the Jesse St. James all of her friends had known and she hadn't been able to see before. Cocky, arrogant, self-absorbed ass who wanted nothing but to get her into bed with him. And he almost succeeded. Twice.

She wouldn't be blinded anymore. But she had to give it to him; he had been a hell of a good actor.

"That was amazing!" Matt said excitedly. "I mean, I've never seen so many people perform like that." Kurt smiled at him. "Rachel, honestly, cheers to you."

"Thank you, Matt, you're being awfully nice to me." Rachel said to the tall guy next to Kurt. He was really handsome; a guy with perfectly coiffed brown hair, and pale baby blue eyes. Really nice factions and great personality.

"That win was well deserved, Rach, I have to agree." Said Kurt, clapping his hands at her in the street. "I call it was the dress." He teased.

"I call it was my voice." Rachel argued. "God, I can't believe this, I won!"

"Yeah, you did!" Kurt joined. "See, Matt, I told you I only make acquaintance with very talented people." He elbowed his date.

"Huh, good to hear, I think it's time I take those free ballet lessons then, or else, you'd be stuck with my one and only talent." Matt said.

"Which is?" Kurt asked.

"You'll see." The tall guy inquired, smirking as Kurt flushed slightly. Rachel groaned.

"I'll meet you back at the apartment, Kurt, I'm making such a bad third wheel."

"Wait, why? No, you're not." Kurt protested.

"She is." Matt agreed. "I might get lucky tonight and the talented best friend does not foment that." Kurt glared at him as Rachel grinned teasingly.

"No you're not." Kurt said to Matt. Rachel could see that her best friend wanted to sound death serious, but there was something in him that didn't let him.

"Are you sure?" Matt insisted.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Guys, let me let you finish your date in total privacy. I'll hail a cab and meet you back home. It was really nice to meet you Matt, and thanks a lot for agreeing to come." Rachel said with a smile.

"It was all my pleasure, I truly liked the performances." He said as he shook hands with Rachel. Kurt smiled at her best friend with a twinkle of his eye; she could tell he was having a good time with Matt, and that was more than enough to put Rachel in a good mood. Not that the recent win hadn't done that already, but this was better.

"Oh, and he clapped in all of them, I told you." Kurt said to Rachel. She smiled again.

"I want him back by one." She warned as she crossed the street and waved at them.

"Okay, then back by five!" She heard Matt call back at her. She chuckled and kept walking.

It had been a real show back at NYADA, once Carmen announced the winner, Rachel could barely believe it. But once again hard work had paid off, all of that practicing and the vocal warm ups at seven in the morning were being rewarded by that simple win that meant the world to her right now, well, mostly anyway.

She hadn't told Kurt about her brief talk with Jesse in the staircase. She could tell her best friend was still hoping for a reconciliation; but, truth be told, she wasn't. She had been let down by his attitude. Maybe, she thought, he truly wasn't ready for a serious relationship and with Rachel of all people. She had been recently engaged to another man just about a year ago, that had to tell people something; that she wanted to get married one day, that she wanted that, that she was the girlfriend type all the way. And now that she thought about it like that, she was scared herself. Did Jesse think he had to give her all of that right now? She hoped not. She was in college, she wanted to live a little. The engagement thing had been a pure bad judgement moment in her life.

But still, he, well, they could've handled it better than they did. She had been quick to believe in other people's words and he had been quick in wanting to get out of their relationship. They had been quick to throw everything out the window with not the single consideration on what it meant to both of their lives. Maybe she was thinking in plural too much.

She hailed a cab and got in, giving off the address as a second nature and staring out the window. She didn't know what she wanted. When had Rachel Berry ever been torn on what she wanted? All she knew was that she was trying to believe that Jesse was just throwing an act right now, and that she also was trying to believe that he was throwing away his years long act right now. All of which made her want to scream at him and at herself for believing him in the first place.

"Hey, are you getting out or what?" She was snapped out of her train of thought and scowled at the taxi driver, she looked outside the window.

"Excuse me, this isn't the address I gave you." She said, once she recognized the building.

"What do you think I am, dumb? This is it." She pursed her lips. "You're paying me anyway." Rachel groaned inwardly as she just paid the driver and got out. The car speeding off the second she slammed the door.

"What am I doing here?" She asked herself. Rachel decided to get in, maybe ask the door man to call another taxi for her, one in which the driver was less rude instead of stalling outside.

But once she was inside the grand building, her choice gradually changed into getting inside the elevator and pressing eight on the buttons. She looked at herself in the mirrored walls of the steel box; she seemed considerably tired, but her look for the night hadn't been fumed away completely. Such a complicated up-do Kurt had insisted on getting a professional hair dresser to do, and the dark blue dress complementing her everything. She had to admit that while she was exiting her apartment earlier in the night, she had absolutely loved how she looked. Nobody was going to take that away from her.

The elevator doors opened to the sides and she stepped out with close to no hesitation, waking determinately to the path she knew would lead her to her destined door. Her knuckles hit on the wooden door twice, all color drained from her face as she realized what she was doing and why. But she had no time to run away; the door opened to reveal Jesse St. James with his tie undone, no blazer on, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up and a glass of scotch in his hand. His eyes stared at her intently and then he decided he did wanted to know what had brought her here.

"Look what the wind brings sometimes." He chuckled. "Truly fascinating."

"I'm not here to take any of your oh so valuable time, Jesse." He smirked.

"No, please come in, now that you're not calling me an asshole." She stepped in.

"You deserved that one."

"I really did, didn't I?" He said. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so blunt." She twitched her teeth at his condescending tone.

"I didn't want you to propose or anything like that." He frowned, his confusion evident, but then he easily hid it and walked inside his apartment after closing his door, going past Rachel and refilling his drink.

"Great to know, but why, Rachel, are you telling me this?" He turned to see her.

"Because you said you weren't ready and I'm here telling you there's nothing you have to be ready for." He raised a brow.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that I didn't want a ring out of this relationship, far from it actually." She muttered the last part, but he heard it all.

"Okay, good, because I'm not some idiot that proposes just because he's gone through his entire video game collection and he's bored the hell out of his life. We're not all like that, Rachel." She was about to say something when he continued. "I take things seriously when they need to be, and it amazes me how you fail to see that I wasn't planning on popping out the question any time soon."

"No, I know that, but I just thought-"

"That I'd want to compete against marriage in high school? No, trust me, I wouldn't." He walked towards her. "Believe it or not, my life does not revolve around you, Rachel, or what I have to do next to keep you by my side."

"I didn't imply it did!"

"Okay, fine, then why are you here?" He asked, with an amazingly calm demeanor when Rachel was starting to heat up at his implications.

"To tell you what I just did, and now that I have, I'm leaving before I want to slap you in the face again." He smirked at her.

"Always the pacifist." He joked.

"Although you deserve it." She said.

"Oh, there's a ton of things I deserve in life and yet here I am, standing in front of you with my hands to myself." He said, then frowned. "Huh, hadn't realized I was that drunk." She sighed and chuckled now, giving up on any storming out.

"It only makes me realize how not drunk I am."

"Well, you are almost nineteen, so it is illegal of me to do this, but, you deserve this. Congratulations. Didn't have a chance to say it earlier." He said, serving another cup of whatever he was having and handing it to Rachel. "I don't have any champagne, so this will have to do." Rachel half smiled at the gesture.

"Thank you." She said as she sipped her glass. Almost surprised at how at ease it left her, how she had almost expected it not to burn that much.

"Cassie told me about the little show you decided to have in class." He said, walking the few steps to his couch where his blazer had been left off, he signaled for Rachel to join him if she wanted. "Opening number of Chicago again?"

"Yeah, I have my moments. You weren't there." He chuckled, his shoulders tensing.

"I'm flattered that you even noticed at all." Rachel gave him a look.

"Of course I did, you idiot, you're my dancing partner." He smiled.

"Much to Cassie's dislike." Rachel mirrored his expression.

"Yes, but, why weren't you there?" He cleared his throat, giving away his discomfort as he shifted on the couch. "You don't have to tell me if-"

"No, it's fine, my father's in town, I met up with him, only hour free on his schedule."

"Oh."

"He wanted to talk about my future." He drank the rest of the alcohol in his glass. "When are you going to snap out of this singing nonsense, Jesse? You're the heir to my legacy! I think I gave you enough time to live like you wanted, now you're forever in debt with me for that." He said, mimicking some gestures Rachel assumed his father did.

"Jesse-" she started.

"It was long coming, Rachel, really, so it's not a big deal."

"But it is! It's your life." He smirked sadly.

"He might just let me finish this semester, I just, I thought my life would start to end later on, not so soon." He paused. "I wanted to do something for me first, to be something I would like before I became what my family would like."

"He doesn't control you, Jesse."

"He does, I just haven't been able to admit that out loud. I'm used to the money, Rachel, and it is pathetic to say this but it plays a big role in my life and who I am." She leaned closer to him.

"That's not true, money isn't who you are Jesse, up there in the stage it is the last thing that matters, your voice; that is who you are. It has always been."

"I'm glad that you still think so." He said; remembering all of the times when they first dated where she would encourage him every time he had an issue with his father.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, because of this." He said, signaling between the two and then sighing. "You should be yelling at me right now."

"You should be yelling at me too, then." He chuckled.

"Later. And, we wouldn't want out vocal cords to be damaged in that particular way." She rolled her eyes.

"Right."

Her eyes met his again, this time with the intensity she felt but didn't want to show. He was faintly smirking, almost as if he didn't mean to, but his eyes relaxed when he did so; she looked at his entire face and realized there was mocking in his expression; almost as if he knew what she was going to do next.

"Don't look at me like that." She whispered, almost too close to him, almost too late to back out.

"Like what?" He said, his hot breath tingling her face, the faint trace of alcohol mixing with his cologne was almost intoxicating to her.

"Like you know what I'm thinking." His smirk grew wider.

"Maybe I know." He spoke, kissing the corner of her mouth teasingly, and then her chin, backtracking slightly to look at her closed eyes and her flustered expression.

"You do?" She muttered.

"Yes." His words made her shoulders shiver, he whispered it to her ear. His mouth kissed her earlobe and then gently sucked on it as he heard how Rachel's breathing hitched quickly. "Did I forget to say how hot you look in this dress? I kept imagining you in it when I bought it." Her eyes went wide at his admission and she was about to protest something about it when his hand found her thigh and his mouth covered hers, keeping both of them from saying too many words.

His soft mouth captured her large one and she instantly responded to the kiss, making their lips slowly catch and release the other's. Jesse sucked gently on Rachel's lower lip, tasting now her strawberry lip-gloss between every kiss. He seek entrance by liking her upper lip and once she opened her mouth up to him, their tongues laced and danced together for one more taste of the other.

Rachel's small hands traced up Jesse's neck and continuously caressed her way up to his soft curls, feeling herself gasping when his hand ran up her thigh and her hip, up her arm tantalizingly until he reached her shoulder and his fingers got to her collarbone, then to sweetly play with the fabric of her dress, as if toying with the idea of finally taking it off.

Her hands traced his cheeks momentarily and then lowered to his chest with a particular nervous antic Jesse noticed immediately. He wanted to say something, tease her about it and continue to be witty with her, because if he was being honest, he liked that relationship with her; but he convinced himself it wouldn't be the wisest move right now.

She didn't want him asking the question again; she felt like she wouldn't know what to say and they would have to stop just to talk about it. And right now, she didn't want to stop, at all. But he asked her anyway. "Are you sure?" Her lips continued to mark her pathway down his neck, her hands unbuttoning his shirt slowly and kissing every single part of his newly exposed skin. That seemed to give him his answer somehow.

Yes, I'm a terrible person. This was supposed to end M, but I decided to leave it T rated because I'm not very good at smut writing and if by chance you read BT then you know it's true. Lol. But however if you want me to try again just say so and I'll really try my best then. I just wasn't feeling particularly confident about it. So, here you go, I hope you liked it and didn't want to kill me.

Thanks for reading :)