Hello! I hope that some people haven't completely lost interest in this story given, well, my last update was in July. But I have been busy and not as focused in my writing as I would like. Sorry.
I enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you guys enjoy reading it.
3am in a Sunday, Jesse was awakened by an itching on his back. He rolled onto his spine and watched in awe the slightly covered and very naked body beside him, soundly asleep. Her long hair, now free from the once perfected up-do, all over the pillows and itching his skin. He didn't mind at all.
One of his hands quickly gathered her messy locks all around and secured them somewhere where it wouldn't disturb his sleep again. But he smiled, just because she was there.
He snaked his arm around her waist and took advantage of the fact that it was a particularly cold December night to bring Rachel closer to him. Jesse took a moment to close his eyes and try to go back to slumber though, because he was having a hard time believing that this actually just happened, and happened time and time again until they were both just way too exhausted. Still, he was afraid this was just another fantasy of his; until he heard her sigh and snuggle against him. No, he definitely couldn't be dreaming this.
He might not have gotten that trophy last night, but this, this was bliss itself.
Finally, he decided that he had had plenty of scotch last night and that although he prided himself for being incredibly resistant to alcohol, he had been drunk enough for his body to demand some healing time. So, he went back to sleep, calmly closing his eyes from the beautiful sight next to him. Happiness going all through his body when he was again reminded that he didn't have to dream this anymore; that this was actually his life.
But not later than 6am in the morning of said same Sunday, he woke up again, this time no hair provoking him to itch. This time, it was how cold he felt. Of course, he was naked too and outside the faint trace of snow was starting to show. The sheets and the comforter on top of him just weren't enough to trace the cold away from him. But now he remembered; he had had a viable source of constant heat beside him before, warm olive skin and soft hands covering his. Where had Rachel gone?
He had a headache now, and much to his displeasure the blinds of his window were open, and the sun was beginning to come out of its hiding spot. He didn't even feel capable of standing up and close them so that he wouldn't feel like the sunlight was tearing his skin away. He hated hangovers; and he hadn't had them for years, they started one infamous night after a very famous show choir national win: his last one. One must not mix alcohol and heartbreak, the outcome tends to be disgusting.
But now a breeze hit his back, which was turned to the windows. He frowned, had he left the windows opened last night? How drunk had he been? It was freezing last night as well. The only thing he could bring himself to do was turn on his back to watch the windows, hoping no natural light was showing yet.
He didn't know what to think for a moment at what he saw, he just contemplated for a second there. It felt odd to almost understand it, it felt really strange to not feel sorry for himself. He chuckled and closed his eyes again.
"Really, Rachel? The fire escape ladder?" He opened his eyes again, sighing as he looked at the ripped off yellow pad page placed on the window that read 'Sorry' in big, fat letters.
Jesse felt like he was about to faint when he decided to sit up straight on his bed. He ran a hand through his hair and analyzed. She must have run away during the last two hours, in which the world was freezing even more. He didn't think she took some of his coats or sweaters, so she might have climbed down the fire escape ladder with only her thin dress on while holding her high heels in her hands. His hands automatically moved to cover his face up and then slid them down dramatically.
"God, I'm in love with a nut job." He muttered, not at all surprised by his own choice of words. Jesse had always known Rachel loved dramatics, but even she had to admit that this was way over the line. Because, really, there's a freaking door.
He didn't remember exactly when was it that they moved it over to his bed, maybe the leather of his couch was making both of their skins ache and the sweat wasn't working either. He didn't feel like thinking about it now, anyway.
Jesse, risking the vertigo he might have by standing up, ventured himself to his bathroom where he kept the aspirins and swallowed one without even glancing at it twice. He thought the smartest thing to do was think ahead of himself and prevent the worst headache of his life. After he looked at himself in the mirror, he exited his bathroom and put on some pajamas, walking away from his bed. He closed the window steels and snatched the yellow sheet from it rudely, throwing it away in the nearest trash can he could find. He scoffed. 'Sorry.'
That was actually all Rachel had, one pathetic little word to apologize for leaving him, more like dumping him and throwing nothing but utter confusion at Jesse. Making herself do the walk of shame all the way to The Village at some ungodly hour. Well, he was sorry too then.
Right after he made himself some coffee, Jesse looked around his kitchen, everything looked normal. He walked towards the living room with a hot cup of coffee, holding it in his hands just to let it cool a little. He eyed all around; there were only his clothes laying around and two empty glasses on his coffee table to evidence the events of last night. Of course, there was his bedroom too, but he had watched that pity scene before. He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand and flinched at the contact, somehow his hand was cold.
Suddenly, a concern made his face cringe, had she made it home safe? He had expressed time and time again that he did not like her living in such dangerous neighborhood all because her previous roommate was what you could call a slut these days. Living with a slut was safer than living somewhere where you would have to chain the door twice. No, erase that, they forgot to chain in sometimes.
He bit his lip and took a sip of his coffee out of anxiety; instantly regretting it as he felt his throat burn slightly. Would it be weird if he called her? What did that 'sorry' mean anyway? What was she saying 'sorry' for? But to him it ultimately didn't matter, he wanted to make sure she was fine and some petting note wouldn't hold him from doing just that.
It was really awful how some morning people getting their jog around the streets looked at one girl with one gorgeous dress and an improvised pony tail, holding her high heels and her dignity, disapprovingly. The taxi driver was trying not to study her appearance too much, but at last, he just shook his head and his eyes stayed permanently on the road ahead of them. Rachel didn't know how to handle all of this. She knew what this looked like, she knew what this was. And she also knew she could've spared herself all of this if she had not woken up at 4am in the morning because of a steering noise that was strangely alike to her ringtone.
She wasn't going to answer it, specifically because she had left her cell phone in her purse, which was in the living room, along with her optional clothing. It hit her just then, where was she at, and who exactly had an arm around her and cuddling with her. She felt comfortable enough to fall asleep again, until that noise sounded again. It was barely there and she thanked god that Jesse couldn't hear it, or if he did, he ignored it quite easily.
Gracefully, she freed herself from Jesse's embrace and was almost about to start shaking from the absence of it, it was really getting cold outside. She opened his closet and took out a sweater, sliding it down her body as quickly as she managed to. Rachel remembered how she had one of his shirts, his favorite one, still in her apartment; she never gave it back after she stayed over for the first time here. She smiled at that in spite of herself.
Rachel walked as silently as she could over to the living room and searched in the dark for her purse and eventually her phone. Once she did, she saw who the calls were from. One had the area code for Ohio. And the other one was plain New York City. She decided not to return either yet.
The sun was long from coming out and although she was dying to go back to sleep, she couldn't do that. It had been amazing last night, all of it. But sex didn't just erase everything they had talked about before and she wasn't exactly eager to discuss all of it and its meaning to her immediate life.
And now that she thought of it; what had possessed her last night to come over here in the middle of the night and tell Jesse she didn't want him to propose? Maybe it all had been a stupid excuse to talk to him again. She couldn't face him again as embarrassed as she was.
Everything after that last thought was like a rush; suddenly, she was climbing down the fire escape ladder for an eight floor and cursing her own stupid ideas every time her bare feet touched the icy steel. And it was beginning to snow again. Once, and who knows how, she made it to the ground, Rachel hailed a cab, ignoring everyone's curious looks and amused faces.
There was a door, she knew that, but she also knew that she had to go through the main lobby where many snobby people would look and annoy the hell out of her.
By now, it was half past five in the morning in a beautiful Sunday, and she was enjoying to see the sunrise and above it all the gray clouds spiking everything away. She made it to her home by six and paid the taxi driver in a rush before getting herself inside her building, practically running up the stairs and sliding open her door. Her apartment was still very much dark and she closed the door behind her.
Rachel ticked the lights on and looked around the rooms; she had to guess, Kurt had stayed at Matt's and she rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face. She was going to tease him endlessly for breaking his 'not after just one date' thing. But she realized just as quickly, that she needed Kurt there to tell him everything, she needed to hear him sass about everything she did wrong last night.
She decided to call him back, pressing on the speed dial number two and begging him subconsciously to answer quickly...but he didn't. After only just a minute; he sent a text.
'Sorry sweetie, I can't answer right now. Only called to tell you I wasn't coming home today. Don't worry. Love you.'
Rachel sighed and frowned at the first word of the text. 'Sorry.' Could she have been any vaguer? She had felt the need to explain, but she didn't know what could explain her bailing on Jesse like that. She figured she'd call him later and explain correctly, but truly, she knew it had been a mistake to leave like that, clearly she hadn't been thinking under her right mind.
"So what, now you're one of those guys who disappear in weekends at times?"
If she had to be fair, and she wasn't, Rachel would just leave Kurt out of the hook. But that would led her on to spill out all of her secrets. And she had decided it was just better if she kept them to herself for a little while longer.
"Don't exaggerate, I'm here now." Rachel looked down at her slippers and half smiled.
"Did you have a good time?" She watched Kurt leave the messenger bag he had been carrying in his room and then walk out to contemplate her.
"Have you been here the entire weekend? Just plastered into the couch and watching your entire musical collection?" Rachel glared at him, but couldn't help but look around her living room; all of her DVDs displayed on the coffee table and several amount of plastic plates on the floor. Yeah, she guessed she did look kind of pathetic.
"Don't avoid my question like that. I want to know how your time with Matt was." He raised one brow quizzically at her but decided to shrug off whatever was telling him there was more to his best friend's movie day.
"Oh, you know...fantastic." They both instantly smiled. "I had a great time with him actually. I want to say I forgot how it was to spend time with a guy like that, but I don't think I ever did share that experience with someone." He said, diving into his thoughts right away.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, with Blaine it was always different, we spent time together and all while getting to know each other, but it was never this much...drama-less." He chuckled. "I think what I mean to say is that, it was easy with Matt. Conversation just flowed and, this is a good one, he's not in love with any GAP managers, I know for a fact." Rachel chuckled this time.
"And I liked him, if that gives any bonuses." Rachel offered with a smirk.
"Yes, so you see what I mean? It's really hard not to like him. So I'm not going to fight it." Kurt sat down near her on the couch.
"I'm glad." He nodded and looked at her out of the corner of his eye.
"I think you're glad about something else, aren't you?" He inquired.
"Yes! I won at the Showcase, I radiate happiness!" Kurt frowned and his eyes widened for a bit.
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I totally misread that. You're miserable, what happened?" Rachel sighed and shook her head.
"I'm not miserable, I really am happy about what I just told you." He looked at her and then at the TV, examining the room further.
"We don't make marathons when we're exactly chirpy." He paused. "It's when we're torn, remember? When we need to make life changing decisions?"
"This one was just out of pleasure. You know what? I liked it better when you weren't here. Go!" Kurt groaned in frustration.
"Stop being so stubborn, just tell me what's wrong."
Rachel didn't say anything, she pursed her lips together and tried to avoid Kurt's penetrating gaze. He cracked his knuckles and sighed. He didn't like silences; especially the ones with Rachel, whom he was supposed to talk to about everything and sometimes he didn't like the easiness which with she kept her problems to herself. But he guessed it was her decision to accumulate them until one day she just exploded. Kurt just hoped he didn't have to be the only one picking up the pieces later.
The phone rang in the night; and by the phone, it was the landline. At first, it woke up neither one of the two sounding asleep people in the apartment. But then it rang again and the porcelain faced guy was a little bit disturbed out of his sleep, he tried to reach out for his phone and failed miserably as he heard the small thing fall to the ground. His clumsy arm reached out for it and brought it to his face. Kurt's blue eyes struggled to adjust to the light but he was fast to notice that it wasn't his phone that was causing all the noise. He groaned and cursed his roommate under his breath.
The phone had stopped ringing and he sighed, not really worried; he had always been fast to fall asleep anywhere. So he tried again, his head resting again on his pillow, he closed his eyes and tossed his phone aside.
His eyes opened, the phone was ringing again; he really tried not to remain irritated. But it was the middle of the night and he had a job to get to in the morning, and an assistant job at that; if he was always on the verge of fainting with a good night sleep, he could only imagine what his day would be like tomorrow. But just when his mouth was about to open and demand Rachel to answer her damn phone...
"Kurt! Answer your damn phone! Just let me sleep!" Her voice had a wailing to it, quite comical, but he was far too irritated and sleepy headed to even laugh at his friend.
Then he frowned, his mind finally registering what was happening. If the phone ringing wasn't Rachel's or his, then...did they have someone staying over that he didn't know of? But then a beep he had only heard once since he moved in with Rachel manifested along with the voice of one Jesse St. James.
"Hey Rach, I'm sorry for calling this late, I just got really worried..."
Kurt grinned wildly, he couldn't believe this was happening. He didn't even bother to turn the lights on; more quick footsteps echoed his own to the living room, but fortunately, he was quicker to get there.
"No! Kurt! Turn that off!" Rachel balanced over his back and tried to tackle him, but fortunately again, he was stronger and shoved her away from him until she was on the floor.
"Anyway, I wanted to know if you had gotten home safe, you kind of sneaked out..."
Rachel was throwing pillows at Kurt now and trying to get to him by insulting their friendship, but he just kept grinning with every word Jesse said.
"I gotta' give it to you, the fire escape ladder thing did add a dramatic touch, so, well, call me, I think we really need to talk about what happened."
And the beep again.
"Oh my god! You had sex with Jesse!" Kurt exclaimed, his face a forever statement of happiness and a little bit of amusement. "I knew the dress was something else." He muttered.
"Hey! You told me it didn't have to mean anything." She paused and frowned. "And no I didn't. We just...uh-"
"Yeah, you probably combed each other's hair all night long." Kurt said teasingly. "And you had to sneak up on him, performing the most popular act all around the world: the walk of shame." He chuckled. "Did you really climbed down the fire escape ladder, Rachel?"
Rachel sighed, she began stumbling with her words, but at the end she knew that there was no possible lie that could cover this up. Jesse just had to leave a message.
"Fine, I slept over at Jesse's and we may have enrolled in other activities. And also, yes, I climbed down the ladder, happy?" She confessed everything, there wasn't any use in trying to hide it any longer.
"Very, actually. Does this mean you're back together?" Kurt asked. Rachel frowned slightly. There was a question she hadn't been able to put an answer to.
"I don't know, we didn't talk about that. I didn't give him a chance to talk about that." She said.
"Because you ran away. Rachel, why? It's not like you just met him, or he lived with his mother. You could've just stayed; I don't think he would've complained."
"No, I know that. I just, didn't feel like talking to him, about that specifically. It's just that, I don't know what I want, Kurt."
"Meaning, you don't know if you want Jesse anymore?"
"No, I want him, I do. It's been really hard to stay away from him, because, remember how it was when I first moved here? Jesse was there for me, in a way; I think he's always been there. And I don't want to throw that away." She paused. "I still love him, Kurt. But what happened last night doesn't magically fix things. He said he's not ready."
Kurt wanted to voice his ignorance in all of this issue. Rachel hadn't told him much, besides that they were broken up.
"Rachel, you have to talk to him. He's the only one who will give you answers. I know it's not fair for you to stay away just because of what he said, but you have to try and figure it out, if it's true that you love him."
They agreed to meet in the diner where they had usually went to most of their first mornings in NYADA. Rachel was already there, sipping a glass of water and watching her phone's black screen. She was expecting to get a text, from Jesse; one that said he couldn't make it, or just read that he didn't want to see her.
For a while, in the midst of waiting for him to show up. She thought about how she knew Jesse was an asshole when he was nervous. Rachel was very aware of that and no matter that, she decided to sweep that knowledge away the day of the Showcase, when he was being rude to her in the staircase. Now she knew he was just nervous.
She knew a lot of things about him; the first time they got together he was so intriguing; it was like he had built a wall to guard his personal life. She knew nothing about him except that he was in Vocal Adrenaline and he would be gone to LA the next year. Rachel had to be there and patiently wait for him to talk, and discovered that when it was about Jesse, she was actually a very good listener. By the end of their relationship she knew more things about him than she wanted to know; details of his life that made it even more complicated to get over him. There were small talks they had, away from everyone, in which they told each other secrets, where they began to be intimate. She knew him so well, and yet, it was like they were getting to know each other all over again. There were somethings that she chose to ignore over time, and nevertheless they never slipped her mind.
"Rachel." She heard her name and instantly looked up. Jesse was taking a seat across from her in the cabinet. "I'm sorry I'm late, Cassie wanted to talk to me about something." He explained.
Rachel nodded slightly and examined the menu in front of her. She wasn't hungry, as she hadn't been for the past few weeks, now she only ate for substance, energy; and not because she wanted to. So everything was the same.
"I'm sorry." She blurted out and instantly regretted her choice of words, and the length of her apology.
"So I've read." He said, but not with spite or anything resembling that. He just said it, it was out there.
"And about that note, I was freaking out and I didn't want to wake you up-"
"So you chose the fire escape ladder instead of the door?" Rachel sighed deeply.
"Yes, but I'm sorry I didn't stay; though I really wanted to." She confessed.
"Then why didn't you?" It was a simple question, but one she had no right answers to. She could pour out the fuzzy contents of her mind and start rambling, but that would make no good.
"I didn't know what to think of it; our relationship I mean." She stared at his eyes for the first time since he had arrived. Rachel didn't know what it was about those eyes, but she always had trouble facing them. They were almost icy, but whenever addressed to her, she swore they became the warmest blue she had ever seen.
"It is complicated." He agreed shortly, and then let go of menu he had been holding, there was no use in managing to distract himself. They both wanted to talk, not eat.
"But I'm not mad about you leaving." He cleared his throat. "I mean, when I first spotted the note I think I could almost understand it. But I really don't, Rach."
"You said you weren't ready, and I think I am not too. I could've stayed and work things out the same day, but instead I left and tried not to think of you, and it's really hard to talk to you right now." Jesse nodded once and looked away; his mouth was in a small grimace.
After Rachel saw he wasn't going to say anything, she continued talking. "Remember how it was before we started dating, here in New York?" He looked at her once again, but his expression only looked troubled.
"Yeah."
"When we were friends and-"
"Rachel, we were never just friends." She had to smile a little at his comment. "But, what's your point?"
"Maybe it's still too soon for me to be in a committed relationship."
"Too soon because of Finn?" He asked, not mad once again, just calm and searching.
"No, too soon because of me. It's hard because I can't imagine myself to be alone, it's been such a long time since it's been just me. Ever since sophomore year I've been jumping from relationship to relationship, and I don't like the thought of it now." He considered her words for moment.
"So, you're saying you just want to be friends?"
"I wish it were that simple, Jesse. I don't know what I want. I'm just telling you my thoughts on this."
"But you're saying you want to be alone. Where do I fit there? If I fit in at all." He gulped. "I knew the other night wasn't going to fix anything, but I want it to be fixed, I do. Whatever it is."
She smiled sheepishly at him as he took her hand on his and rubbed it softly. "Me too." She voiced. "But it's going to take a while. Mainly because of what I just said..."
"I know, and I get it, Rach. And if I have to stand back and be your friend for a while, I'll have that, as long as you're aware that I am not giving up on you and that I still mean what I said...about loving you." As he stated that last couple of words, they intertwined their hands and looked at each other in the eye.
It was hard not to remember a bunch of memories laced with the others' eyes. The two always had a way of knowing how the other felt, and it was true that the eyes are the window to the soul. To them, at least.
"I love you too." She said, finally.
And it was right there that they both knew with certainty that being friends was going to be their very personal hell.
So I hope you liked it, and now I do hope that my updates for this story flow easier. But all in all I want to finish this story and I have a lot of ideas for it.
Thanks for reading, and review with any thought, suggestion, critique. Anything will be very much appreciated and noted. :)