Being just friends had turned out to be a very interesting experience. Rachel had to magically update her definition of friends. Because the way she thought about Kurt was absolutely not the way she thought about Jesse.
At first, she realized that if she looked at Jesse like a friend, then it was wrong to imagine him naked. But then again, she didn't have to imagine.
It all started two weeks after they had their talk in the diner. She was just coming back from her cruise and Christmas was two days away. To Rachel and her religion the 25th in particular didn't mean much, but over the years she had learnt to appreciate the date as something more than the birth of a catholic figure. It was a time to forgive and share, and she liked the way people acted upon a Christmas three and a feisty dinner. Because at least for the night, everything looked to be perfect in the world.
Well, on the 24th and with the knowledge that she wouldn't be in Ohio for Hanukkah this year, she decided there was no one she would rather spend the holiday than Kurt. But then her best friend announced that Burt was in town and with a disturbing surprise guest, or so his text read. So, he would be spending the night with his dad and she was so very happy for him. But she grimaced at the thought of being alone on Christmas Eve.
Two hours later she had walked all the way to CallBacks, and she found herself sitting at the bar with a drink on her hand and listening to a guy pour his heart out with a song. The complete frame made her depress. And if she had to guess, everyone inside the bar felt the same.
Rachel didn't know how was it that she managed to unlock her cellphone and text the first person that popped up in her mind. She was quick to write the text and send it. And by the time said person decided to appear by her side, she had already had another drink, this time a stronger one.
Her eyes spotted his body enter the bar, and he was wearing a coat and a scarf, both slightly covered with melting snow. He took them off and was left with a navy blue sweater. Then he approached her with a smile.
"So Rach, I just got a text from a girl saying she wanted someone to kiss at midnight but somehow I don't think she got the night right." He chuckled. "Come here."
He came to stand beside her and hugged her small body.
"I missed you, Jesse." She said against his sweater and then pulled away to look up into his eyes. "I'm sorry, you must have better plans for tonight."
"No, not better than this. All I had was Cassie's party. And I don't want to socialize with scorned actors tonight." Rachel laughed slightly.
"Sit down with me." She said and watched as he did so. Over time, Rachel had learned how to be a measured drunk, and she hoped she'd stay.
He looked so handsome as he smiled at her, Rachel recalled how, for a long while, remembering that same smile got her through a long hard summer, and this as she tried to get over Jesse with kissing Finn. "I remember that when I first saw you, I couldn't believe it. I thought of you as too good to be true. I don't know if you noticed, but I was in awe."
Jesse could only smirk at this, he remembered that day very clearly as a matter of fact. And every other following that were like a fuzz.
"I think I remember. You looked impressed." He paused. "But that's not what caught my attention."
"No?" He shook his head no at her. "Then what did?"
"The way you were looking for a song. You looked like you knew every goddamned song ever written, and you knew exactly what you were looking for. Then, your voice." He smiled at her, and how she paid so much attention to what he said. "You were all I could think about, and all I wanted to do was hear you sing again."
Rachel waited a couple of seconds and then stood up. "Your wish might be granted once again."
Jesse watched her walk up to the stage; due to the small attendance that night, there was no list to be followed. So she just said the word to her song and the piano man began playing the notes Jesse cherished so much.
He stayed put in his seat while he watched Rachel prepare behind the single microphone; a smile appeared on his face when she began singing what had come to be their song. Hello.
And to think that after all those years he still felt the same thing when he heard her voice as he had the first time. But this time it was different, very, as a matter of fact.
The notes died as the bartender served his scotch, but everyone inside that bar was watching Rachel intently and holding onto every verse that left her mouth. He was too, but in a much more intimate and quite incomprehensible way. He was in love with this girl. And because of it he would have to die on the inside everyday on till she decided she's ready. And he was willing to do this, just because it was Rachel who was asking.
If it had been any other day, or if he had thought things more thoroughly, he wouldn't have made any kind of move on Rachel that night. Of course, that the booze helped a lot.
They talked about their lives; Rachel whined about how hard it was to live with Kurt sometimes and how much she missed her family. Jesse talked about his dad, with whom he had had a meeting the past Monday; he didn't want to get into detail about it.
"I don't know if I ever talked to you about Robert." Jesse said, more like wondered out loud.
"No, I don't think so." She answered easily.
"Well, he's an old friend from Carmel and he's getting married. He invited me a week ago; asked me to be his best man." He took a sip of his drink and then continued on. "What's sad is, we haven't talked since I flunked out of UCLA."
Rachel chuckled at him and shook her head. She could never forget how not similar Jesse seemed to be so often. Sure, they had their love for drama and the arts to share, and because of this they knew a lot of the same things. But with other matters, such as in family and friends, they were so different.
"And what did you say?" Rachel asked.
"I couldn't say no, could I? Besides we were close once, in high school." He spoke of it as if it were a million years ago, but something other than that was what caught Rachel's attention; his face suddenly dimmed in energy, and she had to conclude that maybe a memory had been the cause of it.
"What happened?" She felt like she was prying, but when she drank, she suddenly had less boundaries.
"Oh, you know, what always happens. A girl tore us apart. I'm just glad that he could move past it, even though it took him so long." He smirked at that, and Rachel suddenly was left clueless on his tale.
"You've never told me about any ex-girlfriends of yours." She inquired. Jesse just snorted lightly and gave her a funny look.
"You don't need to know."
"I want to know."
"Well, it is just that, all of them are boring stories." Rachel pouted and stared at him. He took a sip of his drink again and groaned. "Fine, I'll tell you about my other only serious girlfriend besides you."
Normally, Rachel wouldn't want to know about his ex, or any other relationship of his; it wasn't healthy to know how much he had wanted some other girl before or after her. But she was drunk, and eager to find more about Jesse St. James.
"Good."
"Her name is Hannah, lets stay away from last names. She went to Carmel with me, and she was a sophomore when I was a junior. Shelley believed Hannah could fall into beat with me; she was talented and all, but not as much as I am." Rachel smiled at his lifelong cockiness. "After a while of sharing the stage we began to get along and...lets just say I liked her company. She wasn't so much of a girly girl, not at all actually; when we were friends she behaved like some of the guys, even worse, but she was fun to be around so my friends and I took her in and that was that." He paused. "We started dating a month after that year's Regionals and everything was nice for a while, then Robert stepped in the picture. He claimed he wanted her more than I did. Who knows, maybe he was right. But as you know, I'm way too stubborn to do anybody any good; I said I wanted her more and I fought for her, with actual fists. I won, I kept the girl and I lost my best friend, all because of my competitiveness." He sighed. "Three months later we were broken up, and Hannah decided she could no longer share a spotlight with the one that dumped her and supposedly broke her heart."
"Why did you dump her?" It was strange for her, to be able to ask those questions. She trusted him. And he trusted her for being able to tell her this stories.
"It just so happened that I went to check out the competition in some Locals, and I spotted someone that took my breath away." He smiled at her. "I knew I had to get whomever it was that could sing 'Don't Rain on my Parade' like that."
They stared at each other for an instant. She wanted to ask so many things about what he was telling her, but she knew there was nothing to worry or stress about; anyway, they would've ended up in this same bar on Christmas Eve getting to know each other a little better.
"And so, what happened to Hannah?" Jesse chuckled into his drink and licked his lips to answer with a grin.
"She's marrying Robert in February."
Blaine being in New York made things a little easier on Kurt, his dad had said he would stay in a hotel, waving away the endless begging of Kurt to stay in his apartment, in his room. But Burt had said he had already paid for the hotel. Told Kurt to not worry in the least for his safety. But all his son could think about was that.
His dad had dumped a bomb on him that night, and it hadn't been the best moment to do so, given the date and all the festivities. But he would be going back to Ohio the next day, so he had to. Blaine would be going back with him.
"You're okay?" Blaine asked; he was sitting down on a chair at the dinner table, while Kurt was on his couch, looking at the ground and contemplating what to do next.
"No." He said simply. "My dad has cancer, and there's nothing I can do to help."
"He'll be alright, you'll see."
"He's been about to die once, I almost died with him. I can't handle this and on top of it I have to feel so damn impotent. I can't do anything!"
Blaine instantly stepped up and walked to Kurt. He knew it wasn't the best decision to hug him, because of their status, but at that one moment where Kurt was feeling so miserable, he didn't care. If there was anything Blaine could do to help, was get Kurt through this. But he couldn't do a great job of it from Lima.
"Hey, Kurt. Listen to me; your dad is going to be okay; he's a strong man and he has a wonderful family that'll support him. I know it feels wrong to wait, and do nothing while the doctors work, but you can get past it, you're just as strong or more than your dad is."
The time froze for Blaine after he spoke those words; when it came to Kurt he always knew what to say and how to act. This was because he knew him well, almost entirely. And now that they were broken up he didn't know if it was appropriate to show it. But then Kurt spoke.
"No, he's much stronger than I am. There's no doubt of it." Blaine smiled and watched his troubled blue eyes work their way around the apartment, thinking.
"I'll be there, Kurt, no matter what. If you need help or just talk to someone, don't hesitate on calling, okay?" He nodded his head yes and noticed how Blaine still had an arm around him. He felt protected, safe with him.
"I've missed you." Kurt said, not fully prepared to face why he said it, or if he meant it. But what came next was worse. "But I have a boyfriend."
He didn't know if he was expecting some kind of storm out from his former boyfriend, or some childish fight over nothing and fuzzy feelings. But Kurt was surprised when Blaine said, "I understand." And said nothing after, his support and caring still present.
Kurt realized that maybe Blaine was in his life for good, he didn't know as what exactly, but he hoped he would be there.
"Thank you." He sighed. "For everything, really. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here right now. Rachel's out drinking."
After that last sentence was voiced and exactly one second passed, both of them broke out laughing.
"Oh my god, I never thought I'd hear anyone say that. Ever." Blaine said between laughs.
"If felt so wrong to say it too." Kurt giggled. "Remember the first time she got drunk? In her basement." Blaine grimaced.
"Oh, that party. Everyone was so loud, and I was very confused. And she very drunk."
"I remember wanting to slap her when you two kissed, but back then it was a common thought I had: wanting to hurt her." He chuckled. "Now she's my best friend."
"You're my best friend." The black haired guy said. "You really are. And that's why I don't want to stop talking to you; it has been really hard, Kurt. Like, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. And I don't want to anymore, please say we can be friends."
Blaine heard Kurt take a deep breath and then blow it out, he sat up straighter on the couch and this time looked completely into Blaine's hazel eyes.
"Rachel and Jesse are trying to be just friends, it's not working and it's not going to work, and here is why: they love each other. And they're suffering. I can't be your friend right now, because I don't want to suffer more than I already have." He stopped and analyzed Blaine's expression, sore and disappointed. "But I trust one day it's not going to hurt anymore, and when that day comes, it'll be time to be friends again."
Blaine nodded and pressed his hands together, knowing Kurt was probably right. Maybe if they tried to be friends right now it would be endless torture. And he couldn't handle any more of that.
"I'm afraid to make you promise." He stated. "I'm going to get my hopes up if you do."
"It's better if I don't"
"Your turn." Jesse said, a bit tipsy but still very much conscious of what he was saying.
"My turn? What do you want me to say?" Jesse shrugged.
"I don't know, a story that I haven't heard yet." He leaned in. "Tell me a secret."
"Okay." She agreed but remained quiet for a second, thinking of what to say. "When you won at Regionals, your last win, I think I could almost feel happy for you." She frowned and nodded. "No, I was very happy for you. I mean, don't get me wrong, that loss sucked like hell, but it seemed meant to be? You deserved to win too. And I didn't tell this to anyone ever; I think part of that happiness was linked to my feelings for you. They did not go away that easily, contrary to what I made people think; those feelings bugged me for a long time, Jesse." She paused again. "Way too long."
Jesse took a moment to take in what she was saying. He had sworn to himself a very long time ago that the fact Rachel had moved on so quickly was only making him feel less guilty. And he would be a liar if he said this new information didn't feel good; because then he would be saying that being missed and cared for wasn't in any way flattering. But he had never liked seeing this girl suffer, especially when it was because of him. And he could not stress this enough.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you, Rach. When I went away to LA all I could think about was of how much more I would enjoy my life if you were still in it." He confessed this with all certainty, and he watched how Rachel's face softened once again.
"You know, I want to kiss your right now, but I can't." He chuckled at her words.
"And why's that?"
"We're friends, and friends don't kiss." She stated.
"Some friends do; depends really on what kind of friends you want us to be." He whispered the last part. She smirked at him and shook her head.
"You want to kiss me too." Rachel pushed him slightly away as she said this.
"Maybe I do. But you won't be sure until you answer me one last question." He said, a small hesitance worming in between his words.
"Okay, ask away then."
"Do you think you can trust me completely one day?"
To be totally honest she wasn't expecting a question like the one he had just asked; she wasn't expecting anything remotely serious. Neither thought the other was capable of deep, insightful thinking, or that they wanted to hear the other's reply. But, nevertheless, Rachel felt capable enough to answer.
"I think...I think I already have trusted you completely. It's not a matter of me stopping or failing to do so longer. I also don't think it comes and goes. It's complicated, and I think it is for you too. Jess, you and I were built to destroy and get past every obstacle that stands on the way towards our dreams. It's difficult to trust someone when we live like that. But I'll have you know that you're one of the few people in this world that I've grown to believe in; and that means so much more than you can imagine."
He smiled instantly when she finished speaking; knowing precisely that her words came from the heart.
"God, I want to say it again, Rach, so bad." He said, apparently going through pain.
"You can, you know?"
"This friendship is very fragile." Jesse stated. "I mean, all I want to do is break it, but I also want you to be happy." He looked at her expecting expression. "I can't have both."
He took the last sip to his drink and placed the glass on top of the green napkin. There were small pieces of the remaining ice inside the glass, melting slowly; Jesse all but wanted to watch them disappear. He had nothing left to say to her, not about wanting to kiss her and touch her again. Or about how he craved to love her and care for her shamelessly.
"My birthday was especially depressing this year." She said, looking too at her own done drink.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be there, again." He hadn't apologized for that yet, but after they talked he didn't know what boundaries she wanted him to respect. In the end, it hadn't been boundaries that stopped him from seeing her on the 18th.
"No, I understand; your father wanted to see you. It's not so often that he's in town."
"Still, I would've much rather spent the day with you." Rachel smiled at him.
"I would've too. But, Kurt was with me and I had a really long phone conversation with my dads. Mr. Shue called me too. And then Barbra and I had that much needed reunion." Jesse chuckled. "Only, it's the first time I've missed Lima since I left; I've missed the people I lived with there, but never the place. You know what I mean?"
"Not really, Lima did seem quite plain while I lived there. But Akron I've missed." He smirked at her, while Rachel only gave him a hissing stare.
"Anyway, I just wanted to hug my parents and my friends...and you. Also, I was watching the last few scenes of funny girl, so it all made me feel overwhelmed. I missed being 18 for a while there."
He clasped his hand with hers and offered an encouraging smile. "Don't worry, beautiful, being 19 is so much better. I promise."
She snorted slightly. "I don't know about that. At the beginning of the night I was drinking alone, and it's Christmas Eve."
"And you're also Jewish, so it's not that bad." She laughed at his comment and nodded solemnly.
"Tell me then, St. James, what happened with your dad?"
"Same old, Berry, same old." He replied slowly. "He still wants me to run the family business. Eric relapsed, and he says that having an on and off drug addict being the heir of his legacy will be the death of him." He smiled. "So, I'm helping Eric get better."
She shook her head as a smirk popped onto her face. "You're evil."
"Well, Eric actually wants the position, I just want the money. And besides, he does care if the company comes crashing down or not. He made a mistake and it dragged him down, but he can...he will get better."
"Sounds like you care too." She paused. "That if not for your father, for your siblings. You didn't care this much before."
Jesse smiled nostalgically; it was true that he didn't really mind when Eric came home high or when he heard Jessica trying to vomit breakfast through the door. And that was because he actually didn't care. But then he realized it wasn't the same for his siblings.
"I never told you much about my time in LA. Because I didn't want to, but also because I was ashamed of what you might think about me; and back when you were in your junior year, I didn't want you to think that I was capable of that sort of things. I wanted you to think I was perfect."
"You're not, Jess. I'm aware of that and still I..."
"I know. But that wasn't true back then. I drank too much, way too much. I arrived to classes wasted. Once I woke up in downtown without my wallet and my shoes, and for the life of me I couldn't remember how I got there." He paused because it was hard to tell Rachel things he did not want anyone knowing. Also, it killed him to think back. "Eric came to visit me one weekend, he obviously noticed I wasn't sober the majority of the time; decided to call Claire, who is doing very well by the way, and the two of them helped me. It was really astonishing to watch really; they pushed aside whatever they had going in their lives to stop their little brother from becoming an alcoholic."
"Wow."
"Yeah, and I couldn't do the same for them later or ever. But I will now. Eric wants the enterprises and I will help him get them." He said with finality. And this surprised Rachel; she realized she didn't know half the important things about his life.
"Thank you, for telling me that. I actually had no idea you ever went through something like that."
"That's because I didn't want you to know."
"And now you do." She stated. "Why?"
"Because...I believe that what we have today is so much stronger than anything we've ever been capable of building together. I think this can survive a punch or two; and whatever I haven't told you yet won't destroy us when it is out." He smiled at her confidently, hoping deep inside that she'd feel the same.
After she breathed in deep and paused their conversation for a split of a moment, she spoke again, faithfully so. "It won't." She nearly promised. And as Rachel did so, her body leaned in to his; her hand touched his cheek softly and brought his face closer. And it was she who decided that no kiss given tonight could destroy them either.
However, back in Ohio where the snow wasn't so heavy and Christmas lights weren't so overwhelming to see; someone else was thinking deeply of the girl sitting with Jesse inside of a bar. He too believed the girl was his, and that the girl wanted him back.
In his mind, commanded by melancholy and happy memories brought by the holidays, he was certain that the only thing that was keeping them apart was him. He felt Jesse was holding her captive in a relationship that had never had any future or would have, and it was his duty to save her.
In reality, Rachel had broken up with him; Finn had thought she was just confused and that eventually she would find her way back to him. Of course, he also understood that her future lived in New York; his didn't. He was aware of this and very painfully so. But Finn wouldn't give up so easily.
He had finished sealing the last of the invitations when he thought of her again. Mr. Shue and Emma had a wedding coming up and he had volunteered to help out. Then, Will had asked him to be his best man and Finn knew this was a very important position which he could not take lightly. He felt it was his obligation to do everything in his power to make of the day a perfect one. And the fact that Rachel would not have a plus one registered on the list, couldn't possibly affect the beautiful wedding day.
Thanks for reading, please review. :)