Chapter I:
How to Torture your Local Demon King
This is a rewrite of The Extremist. Sorry for taking like 5 years to get around to this aha…
Life is a bitch right?
.
"Sup'." - Normal Conversation
'Hiya.' - Thinking
"Hello." - Satan
"When life gives you lemons..."
It was the middle of April during the rainy season, and a young woman was walking through a forest with extremely determined strides. Her untamed and clearly unbrushed white hair swung close to her jaw and the biggest—and ugliest—set of circular glasses sat upon her nose-
"Oh my God, would you shut your gob?" My heavily accented voice echoed across the shadowy glade.
Oh, I'm sorry, who took a shit in your cheerios this morning?
"You don't need to fucking narrate everything I do, you sodding prick."
I thought I was being pretty nice actually...
"Shut. Up."
I mean your hair is obviously unbrushed, and where the hell did you get those glasses from? The charity shop? Honestly I'm doing you a favour—
"I will stick a molotov up your arse and light it, I swear to God."
Blissful silence echoed throughout the area.
"Nothing could make this situation any worse than it is..." I sighed, slumping a little.
Of course, I took that fucking risk, I had to go into the forest and come out the other side without a map. Yes, I did get lost, and no, my mates did not come looking for me. I shouldn't have expected anything less to be honest.
What made it even worse was that I was pretty sure I was in Aokigahara Forest, where everyone commits bloody suicide, and if you know me (which you don't otherwise that'd be extremely creepy) then you'd know my pride always wins in situations like these.
It was also drizzling, and grey clouds covered the sky.
How wonderful.
Please note the sarcasm.
Don't ask me why an Irishwoman like myself was in Japan, I couldn't tell you either. I mean my friends wanted to come to have a fit about some obscure anime merch they'd seen and experience the whole 'Otaku' culture. You'd have thought they could understand that real Japanese people didn't have dubs… Myself on the other hand? I heard there was good street food and cheap hotels aaaand… that's about it. I'm not that hard to please in all honesty.
"Snnnnnnnrkkkgggg."
"What the fuck was that!" I whipped my head around only to come face to face with man's worst enemy.
A motherfucking stag.
"Guaaaah—!" I recoiled violently, tripping over in the process and smacking my head on the nearest rock… Of course.
My vision went hazy and the stag became nothing more than a large brown splodge in my vision. I suddenly felt the need to throw up, so I pulled my knees to my chest and put my head between my legs.
I breathed heavily through my nose until the sensation passed and attempted to stand up; failing miserably and huffing in frustration.
"Sssssnnnnnrrrggggggkkkk."
"Fuck off you cunt." A pair of sunglasses was thrown at the deer.
Looking up, I couldn't stop my lips from curling upwards as I took in the ridiculous sight of a deer wearing sunglasses.
"You weren't expecting that now, were you?"
"What." Oh God... I'm going insane, I'm going insane—!
"Oh please, I'm in your mind pathetic mortal." The deep voice growled again. "It's obvious you human women are only good for one thing."
Yes. I definitely had a voice inside my fucking head.
A very attractive voice.
"Holy shit, your voice is sexy."
Ah Niahm, you always speak before you think don't you...
"You are an unusual female." It replied slowly.
"You're telling me this like I wasn't already aware?" I rolled my green eyes.
"Silence, worthless bag of flesh. Are you going to move or shall we sit here for eternity? The thought of being stuck inside of any fragile human mind is sickening, let alone a woman's." He spat venomously.
"Aren't you just a wee bag of sunshine?" Kicking my backpack into the stag who refused to move and insisted on giving me the deadest stare possible, I scooped it up and trudged deeper into the forest with hooves on my heels.
"Who even are you? Other than a grumpy cunt with your knickers in a twist?" I commented dully, popping a cigarette between my lips and rummaging around my pockets for a lighter.
"Who are you to talk to me with such informal language? The sheer nerve… Have you mortals forgotten the old ways? I am—"
I cut him off. "I don't need a fucking speech..."
Grinning at my newly found lighter, I cupped the end of the cigarette and lit it, sucking in a lungful for noxious chemicals with relish.
"Watch your tongue, I'm not called Satan for nothing!"
Hysterical laughter erupted from my mouth.
"Ahahaha! Satan? You're having a fucking laugh!" Oh god I thought I would fucking die from laughter, I'd never laughed so hard in my life!
I clearly must be insane to have Satan of all people occupying the space in my skull.
"QUIET. I am Satan, and I shall prove it. Be thankful that I am not punishing you for your insolence, because you appear to be my next vessel."
I bent over and used the deer's shoulder as support (why the fuck was it still here in the first place), clutching my stomach as I cackled manically.
"Hmm, I should have guessed you would be so stubborn." 'Satan' noted. "I suppose I should change that..."
The sound of fingers snapping was heard.
Thunder boomed menacingly overhead and rain poured down, drenching my thin t-shirt and jeans. The ground shook violently, and I clung to the deer in hope of surviving whatever the fuck dickhead had just done.
"What the fuck did you DO!?" I shrieked against the howling wind.
"Nothing terrible, I promise." Dickhead, I've named him appropriately I can see, stated innocently.
Right next to me, the ground was ripped open and a swirling blue and black portal filled with what looked like black corpses was revealed.
"THIS ISN'T FUCKING 'NOTHING' YOU LYING CUNT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"
"Oh, this?" 'Satan' smiled mischievously. "I'm just sending you to a different location. Portals are the most convenient method of travel you know."
I continued to swear at him, the stag quaking as I held onto it
"Hm, now what's that phrase that I've heard you humans use?" I could feel the finger that tapped against his chin. "Ah yes, toodle pips!"
The ground gave way completely and the stag and I were thrown into the abyss.
'Fucking deer and its stupid fucking sunglasses...' Was my last conscious thought.
"...turn them into a helicopter..."
Waking up was never a good experience most days, but I had a feeling this experience would be a hell of lot different from the rest.
"Ora ora…" A velvety voice mused. "Mā kore wa yosō-gaidesu."
My eyelids fluttered in panic at the thought of some random man holding onto me.
"Ah, okitemasu ka?" The voice chuckled and I became extremely aware of the fact I was resting in the man's arms
My eyelids snapped open and a rather good-looking yet bizarre man was revealed.
Deep purple hair, emerald eyes, decked out in a pair of white shorts and suit jacket with a red shirt. Under his shorts were striped pink tights, maroon boots and to top it all off was a flapping white mantle and signature top hat.
Oh gosh, he was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen in my entire fucking life. And those eyes… There was definitely something sinister lurking beneath their emerald depths, although I couldn't find it within myself to be fearful. Instead I sat there gazing up at him in slight awe, slowly reaching up to touch the side of his cheek without thinking… But then something clicked inside my head.
Why the fuck was Mephisto Pheles holding me?
I mean he was a mighty pretty sight but… Look I can feel you judging me already. I am a bit of a weeb. Only a tiny one, I promise! I didn't lie I just… I just see pretty anime demons and I lose it for some reason. Can you blame me?
"Are you really fangirling over my son you stupid woman?" I internally groaned at the reappearance of Dickhead.
'Obviously! He's gorgeous! Oh wow oh wow oh wow...'
"Surely you realise he got his good looks from somewhere. And it most certainly wasn't his mother…"
I visibly paled before realising I hadn't said anything to the top-hat wearing demon who's lap I was sat upon. And of course, I spoke without thinking with the thickest Irish accent known to man. Y'know, the usual.
"Howdy. And err, what cannae be doing for you on this fine day?"
Dickhead slammed a palm into his forehead and somewhere, a bunny died.
I flushed faintly in embarrassment as a thin purple eyebrow was raised.
"Ah! An English speaker I see? I do apologise for the confusion there. Pleasure to meet you too, dear." He purred, and I cringed away as a rather sharp smile played around his lips. "Now, mind telling me why you fell out of the sky on such lovely day?"
The blush on my cheeks deepened and I chuckled nervously. "Uh... Gosh, I don't think I should say anything cause' I'm not all that sure meself. Could we take a rain check and chat about this later?"
His eyes flashed. "Oh no, I insist."
I gulped nervously.
Satan started grumbling at me again. "For the love of… Please just spit it the fuck out. It's painful listening to this and being stuck in your head."
'He's literally a made up character in my world. This is freaky Friday shit. How in God's name do you expect me to talk to him?'
"If it's any consolation, I find your breasts very attractive."
Curse you cruel Gods for my strategically well-placed bits of fat.
'...Thanks Satan.'
"Don't mention it."
Attempting to keep my face from warping into the ugliest expression in existence I figured it couldn't hurt to be truthful. This was a literal demon I was talking to, AKA the son of Dickhead.
"In a rather peculiar twist of fate, an insane non-human entity decided to infect me brain and summon a portal filled with the corpses of people to drag me here."
Green orbs danced with mirth at my sentence and his smile grew to inhuman proportions. "How... fascinating. Please continue."
I stifled a deranged giggle at my current predicament. "The guy inside me head complains a lot and likes to talk about me being his next vessel. Which considering that he hates humans is sort of weird and a little bit creepy."
"I swear—"
A gloved purple hand came up to rest upon his lower lip. "Quite the situation you're in at the moment, ne?"
Yes, despite his utter creepiness I found him extremely attractive. I really should get out the house more and meet more guys... Oh shit I can see his fangs peaking through his lips and my brain is just going nuts.
"YOU DEPRAVED PIECE OF SHIT, DON'T GIVE ME THOSE KINDS OF MENTAL IMAGES."
I nearly slapped my hands over my ears as his voice left them ringing. Perhaps it was best to keep those thoughts to myself in the future… Not that I could control that.
"He is also a massive knobhead with a pole up his urethra." I continued; I was a bit of a wind up what can I say?
"…How about you shut up and use those fat pieces of meat on your chest to get him to talk about opening a gate to Gehenna?"
'What is your obsession with my tits, I swear… And what the hell is a Gehenna again?'
"Surprisingly, it's Hell."
'Shocker.'
Mephisto was quiet for a while and I took this moment to gaze dreamily at him for a moment. You could clearly see the cogs in his head turning. His eyes flickering to my own as he did so.
Satan spoke once again. "Take a picture. It'll last longer."
I would've smacked him if I could.
"Who are you again?" I asked hesitantly, trying to keep myself from snapping at Dickhead again.
"Oh, how rude of me!" The headmaster gasped, standing up and setting me down. "Johann Faust the Fifth, or rather, Mephisto Pheles! I run this marvellous school you see in front of you!"
Whipping off his top hat, he bowed low with an arm across his waist and glanced up at me slyly. I was forced to step back to avoid his hat and I squinted at him. He was seriously tall, even in a bow his head came to my chest.
'If he's so tall why does he wear heels? And that hat?' I asked the demon inside of my head curiously.
Satan sighed. "Despite my stores of limitless knowledge even I do not have the answer to that question."
'In my country we like to call it making up for having a small cock… I doubt that's true for this handsome specimen though…'
"Can you like, not."
'You fuckin' prude.'
"I'll make you regret that statement when you least expect it woman."
Mephisto suddenly snapped upright, flicking my nose with the curl of hair on top of his head. "Isn't it common courtesy to give you own name after someone has told you theirs? I'd love to know the name of such a lovely young woman."
Refusing to acknowledge the utter wrongness of the Devil's previous statement, I put on a crooked grin and spoke with all the confidence the universe had to offer.
"I'm Niahm Evergreen. Nice to meet cha'."
Strong start right there, no stuttering, or weird voice breaks. I almost believed I was super confident naturally for a moment there.
"Please. Shut the fuck up."
Excuse me then Dickhead.
"Well then, how about you and I head up to my office so I can get you sorted out? This matter is rather delicate, so a little privacy may be best." Mephisto tilted his head, waving a glittering gold key in the air as he did so.
"I hope you like bruised knees." Satan deadpanned.
'Oi, stop switching between being a prude and being a pervert. Also stop trying to ruin my mental image of Mephisto…'
Dickhead snorted in the most pretentious way. "Don't act like you wouldn't mind getting on your knees for him."
'Perhaps. Been a while since I got some…' My brain started conjuring up some of the most explicit images I could think of.
"NO. STOP. NO, DON'T YOU DARE PICTURE THAT!" Screaming was heard.
"OH GOD YOU SICK BITCH—!"
I gave a small laugh, torturing a so-called King of Hell was incredibly satisfying.
"Something the matter Miss Evergreen?" Mephisto inquired, obviously amused by my internal conversion.
"Oh nothing, nothing at all Sir Pheles." I said as sweetly as possible. "Would it be too much to ask to try on your top hat for a little bit?"
An odd look was thrown my way, but he complied. He was meant to be a sucker for young women with a tragic backstory anyway. If being thrown out of the sky could count as a tragic backstory.
Top hat in place, I sauntered through True Cross Academy with a shit-eating grin. Stuff like this didn't happen everyday so what was the harm?
'Me mam always thought I was such a treasure… "
"Then why the fuck didn't she bury you...?"
"...and fuck the laws of physics."
"Ora ora…" – My, my…
"Mā kore wa yosō-gaidesu." – Well this is unexpected.
"Ah, Okitemasu ka?" – Ah, are you awake?
.
I plan on bringing Kirigiri Kurokawa back eventually don't you worry. I had to add in one of my oldest characters though, a fiesty little Irishwoman with a love for alcohol and cigerettes.
.
Miscellaneous:
Niahm is actually pronounced 'Neeve'
Kurokawa Kirigiri translates roughly into 'Black Swamp Cutting the Mist' and is a reference to her white hair creating contrast with her black clothing.