"You've been meaning to talk to who?" Annie said, her voice almost a whisper.
Kamil blinked in disbelief. "Lillian… Annie… Who are you?" he pressed.
Thank the Harvest Goddess no one was around. It seemed like they were always alone together at an odd time in the afternoon. Everyone was either taking a break or having lunch. For these two, it was always as if they were in their own reality, not knowing or even caring what time it was. They were stuck in this whole mess together, with a chain of events, timed almost too perfectly, leading up to this very moment.
"Why now... Stop," she said through clenched teeth, almost like a warning.
"No, Lillian, we have to stop avoiding this," Kamil said, trying to keep his tone gentle. "I'm here for you. We can talk about it."
Although Kamil had known the truth for a while now, he still had to constantly act in front of her, like he didn't know it, until he could finally find a way to ask her properly. And for how long, he pondered, was she lying to herself, too? He came clean, as he concluded that he would never get another opportunity like this one. He walked up to her with light steps, as if the ground under them were to break if he wasn't careful enough.
"You know, for the longest time, I had a feeling you were Lillian. How could I forget about someone I cared about? I just didn't know how to approach you." She stared back at him; eyes wide with some emotion he had not seen before. He couldn't tell if it was fear or a cry for help.
"So that's originally why you tried so hard to be friends with me? You were hoping you would find Lillian?" she said, but her voice was still cold. She didn't deny anything.
Kamil took a deep breath. His sympathetic tone matched the same one he had used on Margaret, the lost cat. He had to be extra careful here. He had a feeling that if his words didn't reach her, if his message didn't get across, she might get swept away forever this time.
"Yes, at first, I was hoping to find Lillian, the friend I once knew. Still, so many times, I thought that maybe, I was just wrong. Maybe I was forcing this image, this illusion of someone on you. There was a time when I stopped deluding myself and got to know you as someone in Oak Tree Town, I had even forgotten about Lillian. So, I promise you, the time I spent with you was genuine. Even if I found out that you weren't Lillian, I still would've been friends with you… but Lillian, now I know it's you. The only time I put up a front was when I had to act like I didn't know. Do you understand?"
Easy now… She still hadn't moved from her spot. She stayed silent.
"So what I want to know is, why did it take me this long to find out everything? Why are you acting as if we didn't know each other back in Bluebell?"
Finally, she spoke up, and her voice sounded weak. Not defeated, but as if she finally took a breath of fresh air. "Kamil, you don't know what I've been through…"
"Dr. Marian told me how life's anxieties can make us run away and even lie to ourselves - so much that we start to believe it. We trick ourselves to forget. That's what happened to you, right? I don't fully understand what happened between the cart accident and when you left, but I want to be there for you."
"No, I don't know. I don't know," her voice was shaking, and Kamil wanted to hold her so badly. She was within his reach. "I don't remember."
"But, the marguerite daisies. You remember them. I put them on your bedside after the accident… It was the least I could do." He was trying to jog her memory before she stopped listening. "Ash, Laney, Georgia, Kana – everyone back home are still thinking of you. You know, I spoke to Mayor Rutger, to make sure that it was really you, Lillian. Even he doesn't know why you wanted to leave so badly."
The girl in front of him was tearing up now, as the words he said evoked something in her. Although he couldn't stop talking, wanting to reassure her before he lost her.
"Lillian, when we first met at Oak Tree Town, did you remember me?"
She paused, which scared Kamil. It was probably for only a few seconds, but in their little world, it felt longer. "I did," she admitted with a shaky voice, which made Kamil's heart and mind race, "but I told myself not to. You're right. I did it so much, I convinced myself at times. I… I didn't know what to do, you weren't supposed to be in Oak Tree Town!"
"Neither were you. You originally told me you wanted to be in a new environment, to meet new people, to have a new beginning…"
He was brought back to that moment he and Lillian talked about "escaping" the country life. While the thought of starting anew came across, they both agreed that if it happened, they wouldn't forget about their old life.
It brought him to asking her, "How much of that is true? What's the real reason you moved to Oak Tree Town without leaving a single trace?"
Annie's voice was getting drowned out. The birds chirping started sounding like sirens, the wind felt like it was howling, the leaves rustling turned to loud static. It overwhelmed her. "Why are you questioning me-"
Yet, Kamil didn't seem to be fazed the way Annie was. "Because I was like you. I told everyone the same story, Lillian… Only Ash knew the truth. A part of me wanted a new life, yes, but I moved because after you left, I felt empty! I was left wondering where my friend went for a whole year. I simply ran away, leaving my old town and doing the same thing you did."
There, he said it out loud, and Goddess did he feel good after. He hoped she would do the same.
"However, the Harvest Goddess gave me a second chance to… to heal, and heal others. She brought me to you. And even though I left, Bluebell still welcomed me with open and forgiving arms. I'm questioning you because I want to know why you made yourself forget how loved you are. What made you believe you weren't wanted in Bluebell, to even go so far as to go by another name?! Are you going to leave me wondering still?!"
He stopped himself before he started yelling. Annie's legs had given out, making her drop to her knees, her face now towards the ground and avoiding Kamil's eyes. Within a beat he matched her, balancing on his heels and dropping to her height so that he wouldn't look down on her.
"I'm here, Lillian. You can tell me."
Annie's tears were more visible now that he got a closer look at her. A sob escaped her lips but she didn't bother hiding her face the way she usually did. "Don't call me that! I don't want to be Lillian anymore!" she cried, before meeting Kamil's emerald eyes with her puffy violet ones. "Kamil, I didn't want to be her!"
Kamil tried to hide his strange relief to her sobbing and finally communicating with him. It's not like this is the first time he saw her cry. He did the same thing he did last time, not overstepping any boundaries – simply resting a warm hand on her shoulder. "Don't talk as if Lillian's some other person. That's still you. Who you were yesterday, last week, last season is still you. There's nothing wrong with that."
She shook her head, grabbing the hand that was on her shoulder, as if begging. "Please, stop… Why couldn't you just forget about me? You're making things harder for me! I'm already having trouble accepting things the way they are!" Kamil took notice of how much her hands quivered. They were cold, too. She was shivering in broad daylight. "I can't tell you the truth because I don't know what's real. I don't know if my mind's just making up events. Is it my meds, my anxiety, my brain, doing the work here? Is it Dr. Marian, Ayame, my own mother, and now you?!"
"Your mother… What happened-" Kamil remembered what Mayor Rutger said when he visited, and how her mother didn't show up to the hospital. "So your mother said something to you after the accident?"
His words made Annie shake her head again, her bangs that stuck from sweat were now sweeping away from her forehead, revealing the scar Kamil noticed since he saw her in Oak Tree Town. Her next words shocked Kamil, as she spoke in a much louder, more pained voice, and completely ignored his question.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she suddenly burst out. Kamil was taken aback but didn't lose his grip on her hand. "Mother I said it's my fault! Please, don't take them away! Don't forget about me- no, they should just forget- I'll get back up, I'll leave, please!"
"Lillian? Lillian, are you alright? Hey, Annie, what's wrong?" That was when he knew his words stopped reaching her. He grabbed her other hand, trying to get her attention. It was good they were already sitting on the ground. He held her, wrapping his arms around her and tried to keep her still, while she uncontrollably sobbed and pleaded with her mother, as if she were standing right in front of them.
"You're going to be okay," Kamil said, whether she heard him or not. He felt his eyes burn as tears welled up. "You're going to be okay," he repeated, to her and to himself. "You're going to be okay."
"Kamil? Annie? What's going on?" a voice brought Kamil back to reality. It was Nadi, who was making his way to his next landscaping job, toolbox in hand,
"Nadi," Kamil called out above Annie's crying, "please get Dr. Marian. Annie is having an anxiety attack."
Kamil had never seen Nadi drop work for anyone before, or even run that fast. Dr. Marian arrived within minutes, confirmed what was happening, then helped Kamil calm down and ground Annie. Annie took some pills that Dr. Marian brought, and as she started to quiet down, Kamil and Annie took a cart back to Annie's house. Annie had fallen asleep soon after, once Dr. Marian helped her change into fresh clothes and brought her to bed. Kamil entered, grabbing a seat next to her bedside. She looked peaceful, sleeping like that. Her eyes were still puffy from before. Although, seeing her like that brought back too many painful memories… It looked so much like back then. Guilt immediately welled up inside him.
Am I wrong? Do I just cause her pain? It's always like this…
"You did the right thing," Dr. Marian told him, as if he had heard Kamil's thoughts. "I'll come back later to check up on her. She should be fine when she wakes up."
Hearing that gave him hope.
"You should rest too, Kamil. You've been through a lot."
"I will, Dr. Marian. Thank you."
Dr. Marian packed up his things and left, but he knew that Kamil wasn't going to leave any time soon. It was late afternoon now, but the studying, flower shops, and usual work schedule could wait. Kamil glanced at Annie before he got comfortable in his seat, crossed his arms, and shut his eyes to pass the time. He wasn't going to run away from his problems… and he wasn't going to let Annie get away a second time either.
"Lillian, were you that exhausted today? Why didn't you say anything?" A warm, familiar voice touched Lillian's ears that day, lingering, and comforting her. Oh, how she wanted to reply, to tell him how much his kindness reassured her.
"My clumsy daughter… You shouldn't have done that, Lillian. You're bothering everyone. You're wasting their time. How could you? You're weak." Another voice told her harshly, slightly muffled and filled with static, like it was over the phone. She feared that voice. How did she find her? She wanted to run away.
"I'm so glad you're okay. I was so, so worried."
"He's lying to you. You made him go through so much pain. You made all of them worried… and for what? You moved to Bluebell thinking things would be different? They should all just forget about you. Look at what happened to your father."
"None of this is your fault…"
"It's your fault, Lillian!"
"It's my fault…"
"IT'S YOUR FAULT!"
"IT'S MY FAULT!"
A new voice. The voice in her head, shouting above the rest of the noise. "Mother, Cam, everyone… it's my fault! They should all just forget."
a/n: dialogue heavy and just heaviest chapter in general. i was debating whether this needs a trigger warning, as we're starting to touch on things like mental health a bit more directly. it's of course not a taboo topic and should be a part of healthy and normal conversation, but if this chapter is triggering, i apologize. please let me know and i'll put the appropriate tags. please take care. thanks for reading and reviews are always appreciated!