Chapter 6: We don't talk anymore
'I overdosed
Should've known your love was a game
Now I can't get you out of my brain
Oh, it's such a shame'
There are only a few things that Sakuragi Hanamichi hates besides losing. He hates being vulnerable, he hates being betrayed and he hates Rukawa Kaede. Well, hate is a strong word but anything less would be an understatement at the moment. Walking on the uneven road, Sakuragi sighs deeply. It's been a few days since he ignored Youhei's calls and he had called in sick often enough that he's sure he'll be fired by the end of the week.
But he couldn't go back there. Not after...
A pair of icy blue eyes flashes through his mind, its familiarity scares him. He stared at those eyes too much in the past that he particularly had it memorized. And after all this time, it still affects him.
It shouldn't be this way. It shouldn't be affecting him like this, right now. He won that battle, right?
Sakuragi clenched his fist at the thought. The thought of betrayal, the thought of being so vulnerable by the ghost of his past, by the only person you once thought you could trust your soul with. That once innocent and beautiful person tainted by the cold betrayal of a lack of explanation and an abrupt departure.
He admits, the reaction he had at the restaurant was less than ideal. It did occur to the redhead that if he were to meet Rukawa, he imagined his reaction would be calm and suave as if his presence didn't affect him like he used to. Two years had given him that time and space he needed to weed him out of his life. How could he confront Rukawa now?
If he's honest with himself, he's sad than he is angry, more hurt than he is bitter. The fact that Rukawa was so casual about just coming back and meeting proves more than anything, that it was a one sided frustration. Yet again, he is reminded of how much his efforts and his commitment was insignificant, especially to someone like him.
As much as he'd like to, he couldn't erase those moments they had, not really. As abrupt as it was, it was still one of the only and longest official relationships he had with anyone. After months of subtle pursuing it feels awful to know it didn't mean anything considering how much denial, confusion and secrecy they had to endure to get up to this point.
What was it all for then?
Bitter feelings aside, the relationship had been an experience regardless. If he were to reminisce on the good things instead, there had been plenty. Rukawa wasn't the most romantic person out there as far as verbal communication was concerned but it is evident that he cared through gestures and actions.
"He was always a man of action," Sakuragi sighs, smirking lightly.
The small lingering gaze Rukawa would give him never fails to make him shiver, or how he would, without warning, hold his hand. The affectionate contact still makes him swell up with happiness every time he thought about it.
He missed the conversations, however insignificant it is. In his own way, Rukawa did know how to calm him or motivate him. One of the perks of having an above average boyfriend I guess. There is a certain comfort being with him, an unspoken bond that they share. It's like how you understand someone without having to actually say or tell them.
Sakuragi smiles at the memory, his expression soften as he slowly regrets the reactive aggression towards the blue eyed boy.
"Why is it so easy for you?" Sakuragi mumbled, leaning dolefully against the lone bench. He wonders why he's so hung up on this; it wasn't as if they were married. It wasn't as if he cheated, at least he didn't think so. It's not as if he still love him, right?
Right?
"Ah this is so confusing!" Sakuragi clenches his teeth, cursing at the night sky and the God's above for being so unfair with him.
"You shouting at the moon again, ahou?" a familiar voice called out. Startled, Sakuragi finds Rukawa Kaede looking down on him, with a bag of groceries in one hand.
"R-Rukawa!"
"I forgot how dramatic you are," Rukawa smirked at the red head.
Wh-what are you doing here!"
"I'm trying to go home?" Rukawa answered questioningly, "you do remember I live around here right?"
Sakuragi stopped breathing at the familiarity of his surroundings. His cheeks turned a subtle shade of scarlet at the realization. He must've accidently wander here when he was deep in thought.
"I...I knew that!"
Rukawa approached the red head and stood beside him to which Sakuragi inched further away.
"Have you come to stalk me?"
Sakuragi's cheeks turned scarlet red at the suggestion as he frantically tries to deny the suggestion.
"No, what? Are you kidding? It's a public space I came here to clear my head!"
Rukawa chuckled at the redhead's reaction, amused at how frantic and flushed he's being.
"Something on your mind?"
"None of your business," Sakuragi replied immediately, face turned away with arms crossed.
"Ah, you're still mad at me?"
Silence
"You're still mad at me."
Rukawa sighs at the one sided communication, slightly impatient. He wanted to talk but this rejection is really starting to really get to him.
"Look," Rukawa started, "you have a right to be mad but after 2 years I thought you'd get over it"
His words came out colder than intended but he surprisingly has little patience for Sakuragi's attitude. He didn't mind leaving without a word at first but the rejection annoyed him more than anything. After the confrontation, he thought that at least there would be some initiation. 2 years was a long time to get over a breakup and even though he knew how stubborn Sakuragi could get, he didn't think his reaction would irritate him like this.
"Just go away!" Sakuragi said through gritted teeth.
"You know, I expected better from you."
"Is that how you did it Rukawa? You just got over it?" Sakuragi shouted back, releasing every ounce of reserved frustration.
"Don't talk like you know everything." Rukawa's tone was low but stern, his sharp gaze penetrated through Sakuragi's brown orbs. Sakuragi finds himself taken aback by the intensity of it, partly intimidated.
"If you're going to be like this, then fine, be like this. I'm leaving in a few days so you don't have to worry about seeing me around."
Rukawa walked away, seething inside with frustration. As the sound of distant footsteps fade, Sakuragi relaxed as he let his body tremble. Tears clouding his vision trickle down his cheeks, little by little until it drenched his face. He sobbed quietly under the night sky.
Sakuragi's heart aches at the thought, he knew he was struggling with reconciling his feelings alone but to actually confirm it hurts more than he imagined. After all this time, Rukawa didn't care, never cared and will not care. The worst part is, after all the stubbornness and bravado, deep down he still care after all and that scares him.