Chapter 10: There's no starting over without finding closure
First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle
Rukawa lay on his bed, idly waiting for night to arrive. He debated on whether he should go to the party. He only has two days left in Kanagawa so the sensible thing to do would be to enjoy it as much as possible, indulge in the familiarity. But he feels hesitant to meet Sakuragi again, and he doesn't know why. He is not afraid of the redhead so why does he keep running? Is it guilt?
Rukawa sat up and walked over to the window, admiring the scenery. He missed this, this serenity. Sure, it's sometimes as gloomy as New York but it's calmer and honestly, he prefers this.
Blue is boundless, like the ocean, thought Rukawa as he imagines the sky above freckled with stars. Some days it is a pure, uninterrupted blue that stretches seamlessly across the vast canvas. When the sun rises, the bright yellow and pink hues piled on top of each other, reflecting low hanging clouds filling the world with haze of wonder. Today, dark grey clouds gather together angrily pushing each other. Rukawa observed the city landscape, taking in the calm atmosphere of Kanagawa. Rain or shine, the mellow city feels constantly alive.
Rukawa sighs as the image of a grinning Sakuragi Hanamichi flash through his mind. He remembers the way Sakuragi would smile sincerely at him when he thought he wasn't watching. The once bitter frown would gradually turn into a fond, soft smile that Rukawa swears always leaves him weak even now when he's so far away.
He remembers the way Sakuragi looks at him, his brown eyes always gleaming with kindness, sincerity and a strange tint of anxiousness. The first time he met the redhead in freshman year he had thought that he was no different from the people he's met, the kind who fixated on useless things. He had been that but the closer he got to know Sakuragi, the more he finds himself gravitating towards the redhead. It started innocent enough, they got along and then they just started to see more of each other. One thing leads to another and suddenly Rukawa finds himself initiating a second, more deliberate and intimate approach towards Sakuragi.
Sakuragi's eyes were a hickory as rich as the earth's soul; stained with the colour of hot chocolate on a cold winter's night. It exudes a warmth that somehow makes you feel as if precious and secure, something you want wrapped around you. Those deep pools of dark cinnamon swirls seized the depths and heaviness of untold stories. They consisted of raw emotion and if you observe closely, they will reveal the honesty that most fail to see. Rukawa swears that he's never seen anything quite so beautiful, it could rival the stars.
Rukawa close his eyes and imagines the redhead, the way his angry yet confused expression turns into a fond and soft one. Despite their differences, they were compatible. Rukawa is more mellow and reserved but Sakuragi was able to bring that emotional side of him.
It turns out they made a really good team. Whether on the court or outside of it, they were effective. They balance each other; Sakuragi tends to somehow give him something he needs. He feels freer to express himself with the redhead that even though Sakuragi may react in animatedly sometimes, it never came from a place of judgement. As complex as their relationship can be, there is simplicity to it. Rukawa swears even Youhei doesn't know the level of depth that Sakuragi has.
Somehow, Sakuragi was able to effortlessly pierce through Rukawa's reserved mask. He was the only one who understood him. In his own way, he did.
Rukawa smiles at the thought. Sakuragi's confidence is endearing at times, the willingness to persevere even in the absence of hope is probably the reason why he's able to persist the way he does. It is definitely one of his better qualities.
Rukawa turned and walked to his desk, staring at his table hesitantly. Opening the drawer, he let out a breath seeing the familiar contents. Cards and photos tucked neatly next to notebooks, hidden from plain view. Picking up the cards, he examined it thoroughly, remembering the significance it carries. He opened it to reveal a written note. And just like that, all the nostalgia hits him instantly.
Rukawa runs his fingers over the letter, his gaze softens at the sight. Rukawa smiles lightly at the far away memory; he never expected to fall deeper for the redhead that day, but at the time, it was difficult not to.
But just as much as Rukawa remembered him as a boisterous and loud individual, the last expression Sakuragi directed at him was a bitter one. The one you pull when your boyfriend just broke up with you. It haunts Rukawa up till now. People might assume that it doesn't bother him but it does, it genuinely does. But he had to make a choice. There had been countless nights where he lay awake thinking about his decision. Love, he thought, would only make it harder; it would make him want to stay. Rukawa stared up at the melancholic sky, feeling his heart heavy with the reminder of his inner turmoil. Sakuragi noticed it too, the way he had acted all those months before the break up. The way that Rukawa would pull away sooner when they hug or when he had been too occupied that he had missed out on every promise they had made together.
It is painful to think about now but Rukawa was convinced that he had made the right choice, the only choice that makes sense. He doesn't understand this hesitation, he used to want this. He used to be so sure, so convinced that this was right. There was a time in his life Rukawa's life where he expressed in an honest way, but he knew earlier on that he couldn't go on that way. They couldn't keep pretending that life wouldn't affect them. He has dreams, Sakuragi does too. Being together, wouldn't it just make everything difficult?
He recounts the way Sakuragi had glared at him that night after confronting him at the café. The redhead's eyes were burning with anger and hurt, it caught him off guard. But still, his frustration had taken over and he glared back at Sakuragi with similar animosity at how much he accused him of being heartless. Now that he thought about it, it did seem that way. It was selfish of him to make anyone understand how he actually felt without any explanation.
Rukawa clenched his fist firmly; irritated at the thought that he allowed himself this guilt. He didn't want to feel this way, he shouldn't, and he couldn't. But he did and for some reason still does.
Rukawa sighs heavily, opening his eyes slowly as he comes to the realization that to heal him from any guilt, he should stop denying and confront his emotions. With the days he has left, perhaps Sakuragi deserves an explanation too.
Without anymore hesitation, he grabbed the black denim jacket on his bed and walk out the door with the hope of making sense of his feelings. He needs this closure, they both do.