That year was a mess. All of it. I was a mess.
I'd been pulled and stretched and squeezed beyond all my emotional limits. I'd cried more tears than I had ever cried before. I felt more pain than I knew was possible. I lost myself, I drowned myself, I worried myself spare.
I was too young. Too young to know how to handle it all. Too young to understand.
But I tried my best...
I know I made mistakes. I said things and did things I normally wouldn't have said or did. But I was seventeen. I was seventeen and I was a mess.
"Here, let me help you with that."
Harry looked up from the shoelace he was currently doing up on his left trainer. "Hermione, I had a concussion. I didn't break my arms."
Feeling a slight blush colour her cheeks, Hermione cleared her throat. "Right...sorry..."
After he was done, he stood up from the hospital bed, wincing slightly.
"What is it? Are you still in pain?" Hermione asked quickly, touching his arm.
Harry shook his head as if to clear it. "No, just dizzy."
"Well, that's understandable, you have been lying in bed for a couple of days. And of course, the head trauma doesn't help matters. I'm sure Madam Pomfrey could—"
"Hermione," Harry interjected, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Breathe."
Hermione stared at him.
"Are you breathing?"
She nodded.
"Good, now let's go," he said, leading the way out of the hospital wing.
She watched as he exited into the corridor, and then quickly ran to catch up with him. "Well, excuse me for being worried!" she said huffily.
He stopped and turned around to face her, hands in his pockets. "There's nothing to be worried about," he insisted. "I've had loads of Quidditch accidents before. This one's no different."
"Harry, it could have turned out much worse than it did," she said seriously, the image of his lifeless body forcing its way in front of her mind's eye.
"Well it didn't. And I'm here now, I'm in one piece, and I'm hungry. So could we please go down to dinner?" After a moment, Harry sighed. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Like what?" Hermione replied in a dispirited tone, arms folded across her chest.
"Like you're disappointed in me or something."
"I'm not."
"Oh, how convincing," Harry replied sarcastically.
Hermione let her arms fall to her sides. "It's nothing," she said as she started walking down the corridor.
"And why do I get the feeling that you're lying?" he enquired.
She turned to face him. "I mean it, Harry. It's nothing. You're right...I just worry too much."
"Wait a minute," he said, stopping her. "I never said that."
"Well you obviously think it, don't you?" she stated. "Don't you?"
"Well...I mean...not really..."
Hermione let out a humourless laugh. "You don't have to lie to me, Harry," she said. "I know I'm always worrying and nagging and on your back about everything..."
Harry remained silent, shuffling his feet slightly.
"I only do it because I care," Hermione finished quietly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and avoiding his eyes.
"I know that," he responded, earnestly.
"Do you?" she challenged, a hard look in her eyes.
He looked somewhat taken aback by her tone. "Of course I do, Hermione..."
She sighed loudly, turning away from him to stare out the large window facing the grounds. "Look, I'm not that hungry. Why don't you just go on by yourself?"
Her proclamation was met with silence, and then: "Are you sure?" Harry asked, uncertainly.
Hermione felt a familiar sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. But somehow, it was different than usual. She didn't feel hurt. She felt, as Harry so rightly observed, disappointed.
"Yes, Harry," she replied, "I'm sure."
It was funny, really. He always seemed to know when something was wrong with her.
He just rarely understood what that something was.
The days seemed to be melting away before Hermione's eyes at such a speed that a permanent dread had somehow settled in her stomach. March had slipped into April and May had crept in immediately afterwards.
All too soon, the year would come to end. And what then? She constantly wondered to herself. What could the next year possibly bring?
It was clear what had to be done. First and foremost, the horcruxes needed to be destroyed. But how much of this task would fall on them? Dumbledore had already taken care of the ring. What of the others? Would he find and destroy the rest? Would he clear the entire pathway for Harry, and leave him to deliver the final blow against Voldemort?
Hermione found herself both terrified and angered that Dumbledore had yet to set out a clear plan for the coming months. The war was rapidly escalating, more and more people were dying, and it was quite apparent that they needed to take action immediately.
Yet, here they all were, going about their daily lives as if everything was under control. It maddened her! Because everything was absolutely not under control.
Some days, it felt as if she was the only one who realized this.
"Hey."
Hermione looked up to see Ginny taking a seat across from her at the table.
"What are you up to?" she asked.
"Reading," Hermione replied as if it were obvious.
"Oh, that's nice," Ginny said vaguely as she took to staring around the common room.
"Is something wrong...?" Hermione asked with one eyebrow raised.
"Hmm? Oh, no nothing."
"All right then..."
The two girls sat in silence for a moment until Ginny begin tapping her fingers lightly on the table.
Hermione attempted to ignore it for as long as possible until: "Would you stop that?" she said, gritting her teeth.
"Wha—? Oh, sorry!" Ginny responded, immediately removing her hands from the top of the table.
"Ginny, if something's bothering you, can you please just let it out now before I strangle you?" Hermione stated, setting her book down.
The red head sighed defeatedly. "Okay, fine," she said folding her hands neatly and looking intently at them. "I...I need to break up with Dean."
Hermione stared at her. "So...break up with him," she said, somewhat confused.
"I wasn't finished. I need to break up with him because...well because...I like someone else," she said, spilling out the words in a rush.
"Oh..."
Ginny groaned. "I knew you'd respond like that!"
"Like what?"
"That, the 'oh...'Like I'm some sort of dreadful human being for even thinking such thoughts."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Ginny, sure it's not the most honourable reason to end a relationship, but I'd hardly consider you dreadful for it," she said, opening her book back up to continue reading.
But Ginny immediately placed a hand on top of the page.
"What?" Hermione demanded, starting to get irritated.
"Well, aren't you going to ask me who he is?" Ginny asked.
"No...unless you'd like to tell me, in which case I'd be obliged to listen."
"What kind of girl are you?" Ginny said in exasperation.
"The kind who thinks you should be more worried about your upcoming OWLs at the moment than boys."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got that under control," Ginny said, waving her off.
Hermione sighed. "Let's hope. Okay, so, who is it then?"
Ginny looked around to make sure no one was listening. "Well...it's...okay, don't laugh or anything, but...I know what you're going to say, it's just—"
"Are you done stuttering now, or would you prefer to write it down?" she cut in impassively.
"It's Harry."
Hermione immediately stiffened. "Oh...well, I mean...you already told me you liked him a while ago..."
"I know, but...it's different now."
"How so?"
"Well, before it was more of a far-off longing sort of thing. If that even makes sense. I mean, I sort of just buried my feelings and hoped they'd stay there," Ginny said, wringing her hands.
Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She wished for nothing more than to get up and leave. This was just about the last conversation she wanted to have with Ginny at the moment. Or with anyone, really.
"So they...didn't stay there then?" Hermione asked somewhat stupidly.
"Well, no. I mean, here's the thing," Ginny begin. "I told you already how I never really gave up on him, right?"
"Right."
"And how I've just sort of been...waiting?"
"Yes."
"Well...this is going to sound completely and utterly mad, but lately I feel like...maybe...maybe...Harry may or may not have some sort of feelings for me in return..."
Ginny's face instantly turned a bright shade of crimson following her own proclamation. She looked around her once again, scoping out any eavesdroppers, then turned back to Hermione.
"Am I completely delusional?" she asked, uncertainly.
And this was precisely the reason why this was the last conversation she wished to have with Ginny. Because, really, she had one of two choices to make.
She could lie and say she didn't believe Harry had feelings for her.
Or she could tell the truth.
The former would be a completely treacherous thing to do that would fill her to the brim with guilt. The latter would cut through her like a knife.
She chose the knife.
Because no matter what, Ginny was her best friend. She was her sister. And Hermione would let absolutely no amount of hurt or jealousy come in the way of that.
"You're not delusional."
"What?" Ginny said, clearly not expecting this answer.
"I...I think you're right. I think Harry might have feelings for you," Hermione said, the words like acid on her tongue.
A look of pure bliss passed briefly over Ginny's face. It was a look she couldn't ever remember seeing on the girl before.
"You mean it, Hermione? You're not just saying that?" she questioned adamantly.
"Of course I mean it."
Ginny put a hand to her mouth, but it did nothing to cover the obvious smile that seemed to be frozen permanently on her face. "I just...I really hope you're right, Hermione," she said.
Hermione couldn't help but feel torn between sadness for herself and happiness for Ginny. It was cruel. It was cruel that she wanted so badly to be able to rejoice but simply couldn't.
And for the first time ever, she sincerely wished that she never fallen for Harry in the first place.
Life, it seemed, would be so much easier.
The final Quidditch match of the season, Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw, was rapidly approaching, much to Hermione's indifference. But of course, it was all anyone could talk, think, or breathe about. With Katie Bell back and McLaggen gone, the Gryffindor team was finally back to top form.
The mood of the castle seemed to have lifted, in general, the past couple of days.
Well, for everyone around Hermione, at least.
Ginny was pleased to inform her that she had officially broken up with Dean. Ron was more than elated to have finally gotten rid of Lavender. And of course, Harry seemed overjoyed by both of these facts, the former more so than the latter.
Naturally he had never voiced this aloud, but it was fairly obvious to anyone who had eyes in their head. And unfortunately, Hermione most certainly did.
She would often catch him staring at Ginny these days, laughing at all her jokes, being overtly awkward in the most awkward of ways.
And of course, the redhead found all of this extremely endearing. Because just like Hermione, she had eyes in her head. Just like Hermione, she could clearly pick up on all the obvious signs. And just like Hermione, she was completely taken with Harry Potter.
"I just want him to make the first move, though, you know?" Ginny told her one day as they sat in the comfy chairs by the fire. "I've waited six years, I suppose I could wait a little longer."
"You don't think he's going to chicken out or something, do you?" Ginny asked suddenly, turning to face Hermione.
Hermione absolutely hated moments like this. But unfortunately, she and Ginny seemed to be having a lot of them lately. And during every single one, she would fight the same internal battle.
She soon found that being in this position was, quite honestly, the hardest thing she ever had to do.
She hated being jealous. She hated it with every fibre of her being. It made her feel...dark. Like her heart was polluted, when all she wanted it to be was pure.
Some days, she found herself wishing that it was anyone but Ginny. Any girl but Ginny. Because no matter what, Hermione could never hate her. She physically was not able to hate her. And she didn't want to!
Taking a deep breath in, she tried to rid herself of every feeling as she looked up at the girl. "I'm sure he'll come around," she answered truthfully. "Knowing him, he's just waiting for the right moment. Probably some time when Ron isn't nearby."
Ginny groaned. "Great, so that'll be never. Ron sticks to him like a wart."
Hermione forced a smile. "I'm sure it'll be sometime soon."
"Hey, have either of you seen Harry?"
Both girls looked up to see none other than Ron standing there with an anxious expression on his face.
"No, why?" Hermione answered.
"I ran into him a little bit ago and he looked...I dunno strange. He asked me for my potions book, and after I gave it to him he just sort of ran out," Ron explained.
"What do you mean by 'looked strange'?" asked Ginny.
"Well, for one thing, he was covered in blood."
"What?" both girls exclaimed.
"I don't think it was his though," he assured them.
"Oh, how comforting," Ginny said sarcastically.
"Did he seem okay? What did he want with your potions book? Where is he now? Why didn't you follow him?" Hermione asked, bewildered.
"Slow down, Hermione!" Ron said, looking as if he were trying to process everything.
"Just answer the questions, you twat!" Ginny demanded.
Ron exhaled loudly, running a hand through his hair. "Well, he seemed fine physically, I suppose. But, he looked like he'd seen his own ghost or something. And I have no idea what he wanted with my book. What were the other questions...?" he asked uncertainly.
Hermione took a seat, ignoring him. "What's he gotten himself into now," she said fearfully, more to herself than anyone else.
The three of them waited there for some time until the portrait hole finally opened to reveal Harry.
He looked awful, to say the least. His robes were indeed covered in blood, but his face was what scared Hermione the most. He looked white as a sheet, and utterly miserable.
He seemed to notice them sitting by the fire, but it looked as if he was contemplating just slipping into his dormitory instead.
"Harry! Harry, over here!" Ron called loudly, making everyone in the common room turn their heads.
Hermione had to admire his tactlessness for a moment.
With what looked like a heavy heart, Harry made his way over to them and sat down unceremoniously on one of the chairs.
"What is it, Harry? What's wrong?" Hermione asked softly.
He exhaled sharply, throwing his head into his hands, and practically pulling at his hair.
Ron, Hermione, and Ginny looked at each other nervously, wondering what on earth could possibly elicit such a response from him.
With his head still in his hands, he finally spoke."I've done something really, really stupid."
They waited for him to continue, and when he finally did, Hermione was left in utter shock.
She saw his miserable face. She saw his guilt. She saw his remorse.
And yet, the only words that seemed to pass through her mind at that moment were:
How could you?
She'd warned him. She'd warned him a thousand times.
Why did he always have to be so rash? Would it kill him to think over something once in his life before jumping right into it?
Life was about careful planning. It was about thought and consideration. And it wasn't about impulse!
Hermione wanted so badly to yell out to him, to shake him, to make him understand. He simply could not carry on like this. Not if he wanted to survive...
How could you? She repeated over and over in her mind.
Do my words mean nothing to you, Harry? Do they mean absolutely nothing!?
Above all, what infuriated Hermione the most was that Harry insisted on defending the stupid book he had so blindly trusted in the first place. The same book that almost caused him to become a murderer.
But it did also save a life...
Oh, great so you're defending it now, too?
Well, Ron could have died without the Prince, couldn't he?
No, no, no! It's not 'The Prince'. It never was 'The Prince'! It's just a book that some dark wizard obliterated.
Well, what about the Felix Felicis? Harry would have never been able to win it without his Potions book.
THEN I WOULD HAVE WON IT FOR HIM!
This thought seemed to silence all other voices in her head for the moment.
"Harry," Hermione began, "how can you still stick up for that book when the spell—"
"Will you stop harping on about the book?" snapped Harry. "The Prince only copied it out! It's not like he was advising anyone to use it! For all we know, he was making a note of something that had been used against him!"
"I don't believe this," said Hermione, "You're actually defending—"
"I'm not defending what I did!" said Harry quickly.
And they continued in this manner until Ginny spoke up as well.
"Give it a rest, Hermione!" said Ginny. "By the sound of it, Malfoy was trying to use an Unforgivable Curse, you should be glad Harry had something good up his sleeve!"
Hermione stared at the girl in surprise. "Well, of course I'm glad Harry wasn't cursed!" she said, stung. "But you can't call that Sectumsempra spell good, Ginny, look where it's landed him!"
All three of their eyes were on her, and she felt herself heat up with the intensity of their glares. She felt so alone in that moment and she desperately wanted to regain her footing.
She cleared her throat slightly. "And I'd have thought, seeing what this has done to your chances in the match—"
"Oh, don't start acting as though you understand Quidditch," snapped Ginny, "you'll only embarrass yourself."
Hermione's mouth opened just the slightest bit in shock. In that one moment, she felt as if the girl had quite literally slapped her in the face.
It hurt her in a way she hadn't been hurt in a while. She felt small and foolish. And alone.
She hated feeling alone more than anything in the word. Because it was a feeling she knew all too well.
And as Hermione got up a moment later to escape to her dormitory, the same words seemed to be embedded in her mind.
How could you?
Hermione sat on the windowsill of her dormitory gazing out at the large black lake. It had been some time since her row with Harry, and she was already feeling slightly guilty.
She still hadn't completely forgiven him for being so careless, but she realized that she may have overreacted just a bit.
Harry had made a mistake, and he regretted it deeply. She understood that, she could accept that.
"So, why am I so upset?" Hermione asked the empty room.
Because he didn't listen to you, he doesn't care about your advice.
Because you worry too much.
Hermione thought back to the conversation they had after Harry had left the hospital wing.
"I know I'm always worrying and nagging and on your back about everything...I only do it because I care."
"I know that," he responded, earnestly.
"Do you?"
...
"Do you, Harry?" Hermione whispered aloud to herself.
There was a light knock on the dormitory door a few moments later, then a muffled voice: "Hermione, it's me...Ginny."
"Can I help you?" Hermione said, with a slight bitterness.
The girl sighed, and then let herself in the room.
"Hermione, look, I'm sorry, okay?" Ginny said, as she walked up to her. "I didn't mean what I said earlier. It just sort of...slipped out."
"How unfortunate," she replied, crossing her arms over her chest.
"You're mad at me," Ginny said. It wasn't a question, but a statement. "And you have every right to be...I'm an idiot."
Hermione thought she may have detected a slight look of shame in the girl's face. "Why do you say that?" she asked.
Ginny sighed again, sitting down on Parvati's bed. "Because I just am," she stated. "Merlin...I'm turning into one of those girls."
Hermione looked at her, confused. "What girls? What are you talking about?"
"You were right about the book, Hermione. And me of all people should have yelled at Harry for trusting it. He should have listened to you! I mean...yeah, you probably didn't go about it in the best manner..."
"But anyway," said Ginny, "Like an idiot, I stuck up for Harry. Because...well, because...I don't know—"
"Because you fancy him," Hermione finished for her.
Ginny looked down, exhaling loudly. "Yeah, because I fancy him."
The two girls were silent for a moment, both lost in their own thoughts.
"You're not an idiot," Hermione spoke up finally.
"What?" Ginny said, slightly taken aback.
"I was too hard on him," Hermione admitted. "Yes, he made a mistake, but...he obviously regrets it. He doesn't need someone harping on him right now. But unfortunately, that's all I seem to be doing."
"For good reason," Ginny insisted. "Hermione, if it weren't for you, both Harry and Ron would have dropped out of Hogwarts years ago, or worse! Trust me, they'd be lost without you."
"Well I'm not going back on what I said," Hermione assured her. "Harry did something really dangerous, and I just hope that he learned his lesson. He can't keep acting on his own whims...he just can't."
Ginny seemed to stare at her for a moment with intense, searching eyes. "And why can't he, exactly?" she asked, casually.
Hermione bit her lip, a nervous habit of hers that Ginny would surely be able to pick up on. She hated lying, but there really was no other choice. Even though she trusted the girl deeply, it was up to Harry whether he wanted to tell her about the prophecy or not.
"Well...none of us can!" Hermione stated. "We're in the middle of a war, Ginny. We all have to be careful."
"No," Ginny said. "That's not it. There's something you're not telling me. Something important."
Hermione sighed. "It's just not my place to tell."
There was small bout of silence, and then Ginny finally spoke up. "Yeah...I figured as much," she said, solemnly.
By Saturday morning, Harry and Hermione were on normal terms once again, and Hermione was relieved to see that Harry had not gone back to retrieve his Potions book from the room of requirement.
They were sitting in the Great Hall for breakfast as the entire school prepared to head down to the final Quidditch match of the season. The entire school except for Harry, it seemed.
He was currently staring intently at his porridge, looking as if he wished to drown himself in it.
"It'll be over before you know it," Hermione said, attempting to comfort him. But she didn't think any words would bring him much comfort now.
"What if we lose, Hermione?" Harry asked, dreadfully. "The team's going to hate me. What am I talking about? They already hate me. Merlin, everyone hates me!"
"I don't hate you," Hermione offered.
"Oh, gee thanks."
She sighed in slight exasperation. "Will you relax, please? Just try and be optimistic. We still have a very good chance of winning."
Harry ran a hand nervously through his hair, a motion that didn't escape Hermione's attention in the slightest. He did it about three more times in the span of a minute until she grabbed his arm abruptly.
"Stop," she demanded, letting go rather reluctantly. "Look, maybe you should just head down there. Whatever Snape's got planned for you will probably keep your mind occupied. If you stick around here any longer, you'll go bald."
"I guess you're right," he said, dejectedly.
His shoulders were slumped and he had such a sad expression on his face, it was all Hermione could do to refrain herself from throwing her arms around him.
"See you later, Hermione," he said. And with that, he walked away.
In the end, Harry needn't have been worried. Gryffindor had successfully snatched the Quidditch Cup for the third time in a row, and Hermione had to admit, even she was delighted by this fact.
As everyone headed back to the common room after the match, there was a profound air of excitement among the Gryffindors. Hermione couldn't wait to see Harry's reaction when he returned from detention and knew he would be thrilled beyond belief.
The celebration was in full swing by the time the portrait hole finally opened and Harry stepped in.
He gaped as everyone immediately began to scream at the sight of him, and several hands pulled him into the room.
Hermione couldn't help but laugh joyfully at the expression on his face. He looked so utterly happy. And in that moment she was overcome by the sudden, wild urge to kiss him.
She hadn't felt this strongly since the day she made the decision d to bury her feelings, but right now, she let herself revel in them. The excitement in the room was contagious and she swore she might have captured his lips in hers if he had taken even a step closer to her.
"We won!" yelled Ron, bounding into sight and brandishing the silver Cup at Harry. "We won! Four hundred and fifty to a hundred and forty! We won!"
Hermione watched as Ginny ran up to him as well. Her face looked slightly flushed, and she was beaming from ear to ear. Once she reached him, the redhead immediately threw her arms around Harry.
And just like that, without any sort of warning, Harry kissed her.
Hermione stared.
The joy she felt not seconds earlier had suddenly evaporated from every inch of her body. She could hear people screaming, yelling things out, whistling. But she couldn't understand a word. It was all a loud drone in her ears as she just continued to stare.
She stared for what seemed like hours.
Her mouth was dry, there was lump in the back of her throat, her face was burning, and it felt as if all the air was being squeezed out of her slowly and painfully.
She'd never felt this way in all her life.
It was an emotion she couldn't even describe.
It was pain. It was torture. It was hollowness and emptiness. It was hurt.
At last Harry and Ginny broke apart, and then wordlessly they left the common room, hands intertwined. But the image of them was still burned in the back of Hermione's eyelids, playing as if on repeat, making her feel the hurt over and over and over again.
Quickly and quietly, she managed to slip away from the common room and into her dormitory. Once she reached, she closed the door swiftly behind her, leaning against it and breathing heavily.
Hermione closed her eyes, forcing herself not to cry.
But it was just so hard...
"I'm not crying, Mum!" a seven-year old Hermione exclaimed, tears falling down her cheeks. "I'm grown up now, only babies cry!"
Her mother stroked her hair gently. "But sometimes you have to cry, Hermione. Even grown-ups do it when they've been hurt badly enough..."
Hermione slid down to the ground, her back still against the door. And just like that, tears began streaming down her face.
"It's just not fair!" she choked out to the empty room. "Why can't he love me the way I love him!?"
She hit her fist hard on the ground, tired of feeling all of these feelings. Tired of wanting something she could never have.
"It's not fair!" she cried out again, in between sobs. "I don't want this anymore! I don't want it! WHY CAN'T I STOP LOVING YOU? WHY? WHY?"
She got up quickly and went for the pillow on her bed. Taking it her hands she threw it angrily at the wardrobe with as much strength as she could muster, letting out a fuming snarl as she did so.
It infuriated her that it made so little impact. So she went for something heavier.
Picking up a shoe, she quickly cast a silencing charm on the room, before facing off with the wardrobe again.
Swinging her arm back as far as it could go, she released the shoe hard and heard a satisfying clunk as it hit the surface.
Adrenaline was now pumping through her veins, and she searched the room for yet another object. She couldn't seem to find anything large enough and let out a groan of frustration.
Getting on her knees, she looked underneath her bed and her eyes immediately landed on a neat pile of very heavy books.
The books she'd been reading for her research.
A fresh wave a tears began to cloud her vision, but she ignored them and slid the pile out from underneath the bed.
And one by one, she flung each volume madly against the wardrobe with such a force, that they bounced right back to her.
She was sobbing hard now, and there was only one book left in her arms. Looking down at it, she realized it was the journal she had received for Christmas. The book that held all her secrets. All her feelings, all her hopes and her fears. It was her memoir.
Taking quick, shallow breaths in, she brought the book slowly up behind her, preparing to launch it. But as she closed her eyes, some invisible force seemed to bring it back down.
And just like that, she let herself crumple to the floor.
Her breaths were becoming deeper and longer now, and she finally opened her eyes. The journal lay open on the ground before her.
She picked it up hesitantly, looking at an entry she had written months ago.
Her eyes scanned the page, and they seemed to gravitate to one single sentence in the very middle:
Harry needs me, like I need him.
She leaned her head back against the bed behind her, and hugged the book close to her chest, staying in that same position for some time.
Then finally, in somewhat of a shaky voice, she recited the next line: "And one day, I hope that he'll want me like I want him, love me like I love him."
And with that, she picked up all the books lying on the ground, stacked them neatly in a pile, and slid them underneath her bed once again.
For the next two weeks, the pain Hermione felt had yet to subside. She did her best to avoid the new couple in every manner possible without raising any suspicion, but it was simply too hard. She was bound to end up sitting near them and watching as Ginny played with Harry's hair, or Harry interlaced his fingers with Ginny's, or they both gave each other quick kisses on the lips.
The one thing she was grateful for was the fact that they were nowhere near as publicly affectionate as Ron and Lavender had been. In fact, the only time she had seen them give each other more than a peck was that first day after the Quidditch match.
And she silently thanked the heavens above for this, for she didn't think she would be able to breathe if she had to watch them snog right before her eyes day after day.
Of course, this didn't mean that they never took part in such activities. Much to Hermione's discomfort, Ginny had explained in quite unsettling detail all that had occurred after they left the common room on Saturday.
"I swear my heart was going to beat out of my chest!" she had exclaimed. "He's actually not that bad of a kisser considering he hasn't had much practice..."
Hermione had to exercise every ounce of her willpower not to fall apart again. Inside, her mind was reeling and her heart was aching, but outside, her expression remained neutral.
What troubled her most was when she was actually intrigued by what Ginny was telling her. It made it so much harder to maintain her composure, because she would usually just let everything in one ear and out the other. But like a fool, she wanted to know how Harry kissed and smelled and tasted. She wanted to know what his hair felt like and how gentle his touch was. She revelled in the information as much as she loathed it.
"Half the time he doesn't even know what he's doing," Ginny laughed. "It's probably the cutest thing ever."
Hermione furrowed her eyebrows in question. "What exactly doesn't he know how to do...?"
"Oh, nothing too racy!" Ginny assured her. "I didn't go very far with Dean at all, and I don't plan on doing so with Harry just yet, either."
Hermione gulped at the idea of Harry and Ginny 'going far'. She didn't think she would be able to handle that information. Ever. In fact, it made her sick to her stomach just contemplating it.
"I just mean like all the relationship-y stuff," Ginny said. "I think sometimes he forgets I'm his girlfriend and can kiss me whenever he wants to. I'm usually the one who has to initiate everything."
Ginny giggled suddenly. "The other day he asked me if he could touch my hair," she said, amused. Then she smiled mischievously before adding: "So, I told him he could touch any part of me he wanted."
Hermione's eyes widened.
The redhead simply laughed again. "You wouldn't believe how red his face got!"
"Ginny, that's just cruel!" Hermione said, shaking her head, but smiling despite herself.
"Well, it's true," Ginny shrugged. "He can if he wants to."
Hermione stared at the girl in shock.
"Oh calm down, Hermione. I only say that because I know he wouldn't," Ginny said, chuckling. "Plus, I enjoy seeing him squirm. The poor bloke wouldn't know a sexual innuendo if it lay naked in his bed wearing only Dobby's socks."
"Don't go ruining him, Ginny," Hermione warned, and small part of her meant this warning quite seriously.
It was one of the things she loved most about Harry, after all. That despite everything he'd gone through in his life, there was still a certain innocence about him. It was almost refreshing.
"Wouldn't dream of it," Ginny smirked. "Anyway, I have to go to the library and drown myself in misery. Tell Harry I'll meet him at dinner if you see him."
"You better study hard and not spend the whole time daydreaming," Hermione said sternly.
"Can't make any promises," Ginny called behind her shoulder as she stalked down the spiral staircase.
Hermione followed her down not too long after and made her way over to Ron who was sitting by the fire.
"There you are!" he said as soon as he spotted her.
"You were looking for me?" she asked.
"Yes," he said, grabbing her arm and pulling her down to sit next to him.
"Is something wrong?" she asked, worriedly.
Ron looked around, checking to make sure no one was listening in. "Harry got a letter from Dumbledore. He's in his office right now."
"What did the letter say?" Hermione inquired.
"That he wanted Harry to go to his office as quick as he could," Ron answered. "Me and him reckon Dumbledore's found a you-know-what."
Hermione's eyes widened. "Well...this is excellent! Are they going to destroy it?"
"How the bloody hell should I know?" Ron said.
Hermione bit her lip. "I really wish we could just be there with him..."
"Me and you both," Ron grunted.
And so the two of them waited, each lost in their own thoughts.
"What do you suppose is going on right now?" Ron asked, breaking the long stretch of silence.
Before Hermione could answer, however, they saw Harry enter through the portrait hole, his face set in a steel-like determination.
"What does he want?" Hermione asked at once. "Harry, are you okay?" she added anxiously.
"I'm fine," said Harry shortly, racing past them and up the stairs into his dormitory.
"Where are you going?" she called after him. "Ron, go follow him up!"
"You go follow him up," Ron said.
"It's the boy's dormitory, Ronald. I'm not just going to go prance my way up there!"
"Why not? It's not like you haven't done it before."
"Why are you being so difficult? Just go!" she said, shoving him.
"You're the one being—"
But their argument was cut off by the sudden appearance of a panting Harry. "I've got to be quick," he said. "Dumbledore thinks I'm getting my Invisibility Cloak. Listen..."
And Harry quickly told them where he was going and why. Several times during his explanation, Hermione gasped aloud in horror.
She hadn't even considered the possibility of Harry going with Dumbledore to find and destroy the horcruxes. It seemed much too dangerous for her comfort. But apparently, this wasn't all that on Harry's mind at the moment.
"...so you see what this means?" Harry finished at a gallop. "Dumbledore won't be here tonight, so Malfoy's going to have another clear shot at whatever he's up to. Here—" He shoved the Marauder's map into Hermione's hands, and she looked down at it in bewilderment. "You've got to watch him and you've got to watch Snape too."
"Harry—" began Hermione, her eyes huge with fear.
"Take this as well—"
He thrust a pair of socks into Ron's hands.
"Thanks," said Ron. "Er—why do I need socks?"
"You need what's wrapped in them, it's the Felix Felicis. Share it between yourselves and Ginny too. Say good-bye to her for me."
Everything was moving much too fast. Hermione, who was usually quite quick on the uptake, was still attempting to register all that was happening. The way Harry was speaking...it sounded as if he was walking to his potential death.
"I'd better go, Dumbledore's waiting—"
"No!" Hermione exclaimed suddenly.
She wasn't ready! She wasn't ready for him to leave! It was all so abrupt. It was all too sudden. What if he got hurt? What if Dumbledore got hurt and Harry was left alone? What if...what if...?
No, you mustn't think that way, Hermione, you mustn't think that way!
She saw Ron unwrap the tiny bottle of golden potion, looking awestruck.
"We don't want it!" she said quickly, taking the bottle and holding it out to Harry. "You take it, who knows what you're going to be facing?"
"I'll be fine, I'll be with Dumbledore," said Harry. "I want to know you lot are okay..."
No! No, don't leave! she begged silently. Please don't leave...
"Don't look like that, Hermione," Harry said quietly. "I'll see you later..."
And he was off, hurrying back through the portrait hole.
Hermione sat down, defeatedly. In all these months, when she had envisioned this moment, when she saw Harry setting out to complete his mission...she had always pictured herself right there beside him.
Never, never, had she expected to be waiting around at home.
She felt Ron sit down next to her. "He'll be okay, Hermione. Dumbledore knows what he's doing," he assured her. "Here, we should probably keep our eyes on this."
Ron took the map she still had clutched in her hands. Before he could put his wand on the parchment to reveal its contents, however, Ginny walked in through the portrait hole.
"Hey, where were you lot at dinner?" she asked, looking around. "Where's Harry?"
Hermione and Ron exchanged a nervous look, an action that didn't escape Ginny's notice.
"Where's Harry?" she repeated, more adamantly.
"He's not here..." Ron answered.
"Clearly," Ginny shot back, her eyes flashing in irritation. "So, where's he gone?"
"Ginny," Hermione began hesitantly. "He...well...he—"
"We can't tell you," Ron cut in.
There was blazing look in the girl's eyes. "Listen to me," Ginny said in a dangerously quiet tone. "I know you three have your secrets. But right now, I don't give a damn about any single one of them. Harry's my boyfriend. And I think I have the right to know why he's not standing in front of me right now!"
Hermione and Ron looked at each other again.
"Stop doing that!" Ginny exclaimed in anger.
"Ginny, please, lower your voice," Hermione said, looking around. "Just sit down, we'll try and explain as best as we can."
She sat down with a huff, and folded her arms firmly. "Go on, then."
"Harry's gone somewhere with Dumbledore," Hermione said quietly. "We're not able to give you many details, not just because we can't, but simply because we don't know. It was an abrupt sort of thing. He told us to tell you he said good-bye."
"Good-bye?" Ginny hissed. "What's that supposed to mean? Where did he go? How long is he going to be gone for?"
"We don't know," Ron said, annoyed. "All we know is why."
"Why, then?" she demanded. "Oh, let me guess, you can't tell me!"
When neither of them responded, Ginny groaned loudly. "This is pathetic," she said, throwing her arms up in frustration.
"I'm sorry, Ginny," Hermione said desperately.
"Well...is it...is it dangerous? What he's doing, is it dangerous?" the girl asked, fear evident in her voice.
Hermione swallowed. "Yes," she whispered.
Ginny's face turned white as a sheet.
"Hey, I can't find Malfoy," Ron spoke up suddenly. "Does that mean he's in the room of requirement?"
"What the hell are you—?"
"Let me see," Hermione said, cutting off Ginny. She searched the map for a few minutes, but couldn't seem to find him either. "I suppose he has to be..."
"Should we go there then? To the room of requirement? I mean...Harry seemed pretty convinced," Ron shrugged.
"He did, didn't he?" Hermione said, slowly. "What about Snape? It says here that he's in his office."
"Maybe we can split up. Harry told us to alert the DA members if something happened."
Hermione sighed. She'd spent a better portion of the year trying to convince Harry that he was wasting his time with Malfoy, and yet...something about the urgency in his tone when he had given them those instructions earlier had truly struck her.
"All right," she finally said. "Then we should alert them."
"Can someone please explain to me what in Merlin's name is going on?" Ginny exclaimed.
Hermione let Ron do the talking while she worked on sending the message to the DA members through her enchanted coin.
"And...you're positive you told them to meet here," Ron asked as they congregated at the end of the corridor leading to the Room of Requirement some time later.
Hermione threw him an unpleasant look.
"Perhaps they all have yet to check their coins," Luna said dreamily.
Hermione, Ron, and Ginny were currently standing at the end of the corridor facing the only two DA members that had shown up to Hermione's call: Neville and Luna.
"I'm going to have to go with Luna on this one," Ginny agreed.
"We don't need anyone else," Neville said, determined. "We all fought at the Ministry last year and made it out alive. We can take on anything, right Ron?"
Ron smiled politely.
"No one said there was going to be any fighting, just yet," Hermione stated clearly. "All of this is simply precautionary."
"Precaution is better than cure," Luna proclaimed, using her finger to trace figure eights on the wall next to her.
"Exactly," Hermione stated. "So, I say we split up. Some of us stay here to keep an eye on Malfoy, and the others will go down to keep an eye on Snape."
"I'll stay here with the moron," Ron offered.
"Me too," Neville said hastily, clearly preferring to be as far away from Snape as possible.
"All right, well, we should probably have three people with Malfoy since he seems to be the one causing all the trouble here," Hermione stated. "Ron, you take the map, and I'll go down to Snape's office. Who wants to join me?"
"We'll take Ginny," Ron said without delay.
Ginny threw him an admonishing look.
"Okay, so Luna and I will head down to the dungeons then. Ron, if anything happens, you know where to find us," Hermione said, pointing to the map. "And before we go, everyone take a sip of this. It's a luck potion. Once again, only precautionary."
She reached into her pocket for the bottle of Felix Felicis, passing it to Neville, who passed it to Ginny when he was done, each trying their very best to preserve enough potion for the next person. As Luna handed the bottle over to Ron, he immediately passed it to Hermione instead.
Hermione gave him a look of exasperation. "It's not going to make a difference, Ron."
But he merely shrugged. "I'd just rather you go first."
She sighed. "Fine."
After they were finished, Hermione and Luna bade the others farewell.
Hours later, the two girls were still stationed near Snape's office, waiting in pensive silence.
"This is quite dull," Luna said in an interested voice.
"I suppose nothing's happened with Ron and the others...they would have come to find us..." Hermione said, more to herself.
"You're in doubt," Luna stated.
"I just have a bad feeling..."
After another moment of silence, Luna spoke up again. "There's a voice. Do you hear it?" she asked with wonder.
"I can't say I do, Luna," Hermione replied warily.
"It's getting closer..."
Hermione looked at the girl oddly. Her eyes were wide as saucers as she cupped her hand to her ear. "Luna, I really don't think—"
But she paused mid sentence. She could hear it, too...
A voice was coming closer and closer. It seemed they were shouting something...
"DEATH EATERS IN THE CASTLE! DEATH EATERS IN THE CASTLE!"
All of a sudden, Flitwick came sprinting down the dungeon, completely ignoring the two girls as he reached Snape's door, knocking frantically.
Hermione's heart was beating like mad as she thought of the others upstairs. The Death Eaters had to have come into the castle through Malfoy...
What if someone was hurt? She had to go, she had to find them!
"What was that?" Hermione said suddenly. A loud thump had just emanated from nearby, and a moment later, Snape appeared in the corridor, looking left and right before heading upstairs.
"Where's Professor Flitwick?" Luna asked in uncharacteristic seriousness.
"I don't know..." Hermione replied quietly. "But Snape's obviously gone to help fight the Death Eaters..."
"You think so?" Luna asked curiously.
"Why wouldn't he?" she asked. "Whatever, that's not important right now. We need to go upstairs and find the others."
Hermione started walking, but noticed Luna had stayed behind. She was moving towards Snape's office instead.
"Luna, where are you going?" Hermione demanded. "We have to hurry!"
But the girl ignored her.
With a frustrated sigh, Hermione quickly followed her inside.
"Luna, we have to—Oh my God!" she cried out, coming to an abrupt halt as she saw Flitwick's motionless body lying on the ground.
"He's been stunned," Luna observed.
Hermione gulped fearfully, and then uttered a single word:
"Snape."
It was beautiful summer's day. The sun was shining brightly, reflecting off the lake. There were rows upon rows of witches and wizards, goblins and warlocks, beasts of almost every nature. It was the largest assortment of people Hermione could ever recall seeing in all her life. And they were all facing one single marble table at the front.
Dumbledore was gone.
He'd left them. He'd left them without so much as a goodbye.
He left them in misery, hopelessness, and defeat.
What now? What was she to do now? What was Harry to do now?
They were all alone, Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Alone despite the hundreds of people surrounding them. People much older than they were, much more experienced than they were, much smarter, much wiser.
And yet, and yet, the fate of the world rested on their shoulders. Theirs and no one else's.
Tears streamed down Hermione's face as the truth swept over her more forcefully than ever.
There was no one to help them but themselves. No one to guide them or teach them. After this term came to an end, the three of them would be flung out into the cruel world all alone.
And so Hermione cried. Because she'd depended on Dumbledore. Because she'd put all her faith in Dumbledore.
And because Dumbledore was now gone.
Hermione remained seated in her chair by the lake long after the ceremony had ended. There was a smattering of people here and there who had yet to leave their seats as well. Many of them were still crying softly or staring vacantly in disbelief.
She got up from her chair and slowly made her way over to the large white tomb in the front.
For a while, she simply stared at it, her mind blank and her expression emotionless.
Then with another hard jolt that shook her to the very core, all of her previous fears came crashing down upon her once again.
And to the white tomb, she whispered shakily:
"How could you leave him like this?"
A/N: So this is a monster of a chapter. I apologize for that, but there was just so much that needed to be written and it felt strange to split it up into two seperate chapters. But anyway, for all of you who have suffered laboriously through year 6...It's over! Yay! Celebration! It's not too much longer now until we finally get into the new AU-ish material. And by AU-ish, I just mean it doesn't really follow canon. As for this chapter, I know that it's extremely packed with material and quite extensive and I hope that didn't turn anyone off...You guys probably can't even imagine how long it took me to write, rewrite, and edit this. In general my writing process usually takes at least five hours if I were to sit straight through. I'm really nit-picky like that...So, if you ever wonder why it takes so long for me to update, it's not only because I'm too lazy!
All that aside, I thank you for reading my story as always and I really really hope you liked this chapter. Feedback would be especially adored for this one! Thank you again :)