I Promise
Beast Boy moped along the halls of the massive tower he and his friends called home. Although, at the moment, he wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. He simply shuffled his way along corridors as he made his way to the kitchen. If it was up to him, he'd still be sitting in his room.
Feeling the rumble of hunger in his stomach, stronger than when he'd left his room, he inwardly groaned and walked through the automatic doors leading to the common room of the tower. As he did, three heads turned to him at once and a fourth peered over her book towards him.
"Hey Beast Boy! Long time no see." Robin, team leader, said, cheerily. Being the ever observant protégé of Batman he was, he knew why Beast Boy wasn't his usual self. Despite this, he chose not to say anything out of respect for his friend's privacy.
"Not now." Beast Boy replied, inaudible to the others. Depression radiated off him in waves so strong even the non-empathic members could feel it. Raven, on the other-hand, inwardly cringed at the strength of his negative emotions.
"Listen buddy, can you at least tell one of us what's wrong? We're worried." Cyborg, his best friend, insisted. Outwardly, Beast Boy let out a long drawn out sigh as he opened the fridge and tried to ignore his friends as his thoughts raced.
He didn't want to be depressed, it wasn't normal for him. He just couldn't seem to get rid of the strange sadness he was feeling. What's worse, he didn't even know why he was feeling it. He briefly envied Raven's connection with her emotions before realizing how stupid that thought was and chastising himself for it, only adding to his emotional slump.
"Friend Beast Boy, would you like me to make you the Tamaranian dish of sadness? I believe it will alleviate your pain." Starfire said, hopefully. The hopefulness in her voice clear as day. Beast Boy stopped and thought for a minute before turning to her. He decided he had to respond to her, knowing how sensitive she was.
"No thanks, Star." His voice was dull and held an air of defeat to it.
"I understand. Please do let me know if-" Starfire started, relieved to elicit some sort of response from her friend.
"Snap out of it, Beast Boy!" Cyborg interrupted, unsure of what else to say and on-edge. The absence of Beast Boy's comedic nature on the team had affected them all, especially because it was so abrupt in its absence. Cyborg, however, felt the affects the most. Beast Boy stayed silent and frozen in place for a minute. His mind raced at a million miles per hour as the strange pain which had caused his depression rose in his chest. His knees buckled ever-so-slightly before he caught himself on the table, swiftly opened the fridge, snatched leftover tofu out of it, and rushed to his room.
Once in the safety of his room, he slumped to the floor, back against his bed and clutched his chest as he felt a strange heaviness surround his torso. His stomach felt empty and hollow and he felt trapped, unable to move. He then began to shake and his emotions overcame him, leading to a silent stream of tears and shaky breaths.
"What was that, Cyborg." Raven finally spoke, her eyes boring holes into her teammate, voice icy and mostly emotionless with an undertone of anger.
"I...I just didn't know what else to do. I know I shouldn't have yelled at him, but I can't stand this. I miss the normal Beast Boy" Cyborg replied, frustrated at himself as he avoided meeting Raven's gaze.
"Well, you shouldn't have done that." Raven replied, plainly. "The amount of pain that he felt after you yelled at him was immense. That's saying something because I'm sure I could only feel a fraction of it." She added, gaze softening, as she saw her friend's face and felt his guilt.
"That makes sense. I'm pretty sure I saw him nearly pass out, as well." Robin said, thinking, frown clear on his usually stoic facial features. Raven briefly wondered if the boy wonder actually had some sort of super powers of perception, surprised he picked up on their friend's micro-movement.
"Shall I go talk to friend Beast Boy?" Starfire asked, joining the conversation and removing both Robin and Raven from their thoughts.
"No, Star. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think any of us three are going to have an impact." Robin stated, looking at Raven.
"Three?" Raven said. She knew what was coming next, and dreaded it.
"Well, you're the only one who hasn't talked to him yet. Could you please give it a shot?" Robin asked, daring her to say no.
"I don't really do well with therapy." Raven replied. She was hesitant of her effectiveness as a therapist. Although she could easily tap into others' emotions, talking about them had never been her strong suit.
"That wasn't a question. Try it once, if you don't make progress I will find another option." Robin said, arms crossed, removing all room for debate. Raven knew he was right but inwardly groaned.
"Okay. But only once." Raven replied, already regretting what was to come.
"Thank you." Robin said, smiling. 'Manipulative dick' Raven thought, inwardly smiling at her wordplay. Deciding to get the upcoming conversation over with, she left the rest of her teammates to go find Beast Boy.
Beast Boy was curled in a tight ball on the floor of his destroyed room. Although his room was in a perpetual state of messiness, it had hit an all-time low. In his confusion and anguish, The Beast had momentarily gotten loose and decided to destroy everything around him in rage. Long and deep scratch marks tore through the walls and ceiling of his room. Pillows and clothes lay shredded on the floor. His bed had been crushed by the sheer weight of The Beast shortly after he lost control. Although he was back to normal at the moment, he had to struggle hard to rein in The Beast.
Uncurling from his place on the floor, Beast Boy leaned against what remained of his bed as he surveyed the damage. A renewed feeling of self-loathing hit him as he thought about the verbal lashing he was sure to receive from Robin. Laying back on the ground, defeated, Beast Boy began to shake as his sobs returned, louder than before.
Raven bit her lip in thought as she walked to Beast Boy's room. Rarely was she at a loss for what to do, but this was one of those times. Beast Boy was hurting badly and she wanted nothing more than to help him. Most times when she tried to console him in the past, however, it ended worse than before she tried to 'help'.
She thought a moment about why she cared so much. She had gotten much more silence since Beast Boy had sunk into depression, but she found that she spent almost all of her extra time checking in on his emotions or strangely missing his normal personality. As much as he annoyed her, she realized that she'd begun to accepted it as normal or, at the very least, tolerate it. In addition to his effect on her, she was well aware that the entire team's morale had been down ever since Beast Boy became distant. She realized, surprisingly, that he'd grown on all of them, much more than she had ever thought possible.
Her thought process was interrupted, however, as she nearly ran into Beast Boy's door. She hesitated for a moment before leaning her ear to the door in an attempt to hear what was going on. Straining her ears, she thought she could hear a slight whimpering. Unsure, she decided to at least check his emotional state so she knew exactly what emotions she'd be dealing with. Closing her eyes, she prepared to read his emotions. As she reached her mind out to his, however, she immediately stopped and snapped her eyes open. The strength of his negative emotions was much stronger than she'd expected of him. Beast Boy had always been the most expressive member of the team, but he was almost always positive to a fault. What Raven felt from him at that moment, however, were anything but positive and it shocked her.
She suddenly had a strange urge to strangle whatever was causing him pain. Taking a few deep breaths and dispelling the strange urge, she knocked on the door.
"Y...yes?" Beast Boy's voice sounded so uncharacteristically small and defeated, Raven nearly flinched.
"Beast Boy, it's me, can I come in?" Raven spoke in her usual monotone, unsure of what else to say.
"What do you want, Raven?" Beast Boy said, sniffling, his voice hardening slightly. She could feel his disappointment in the fact that she'd only now come to talk to him. Raven immediately felt bad for not talking to him sooner. She had still been watching over him, but she realized that he had no way of knowing that.
"Can I come in?" Raven repeated, monotone. She had the sudden urge to teleport herself to her room, then and there, but forced herself to stay. Her friend needed her help, even if she had no idea what she was doing.
"F...fine." Beast Boy replied. Raven didn't bother with the door and phased through it. She was taken aback at the state of his room. Her deadpan visage changed to a slightly shocked one, she took a second to center herself before looking around at the rest of the devastated room. She immediately thought about Beast Boy's safety before recognizing the deep claw marks all over the room. The Beast had gotten loose.
"Yea, I know I'm a monster." He said, Raven quickly realized her shock had been outwardly visible for a moment. Empathically feeling his renewed sense of self-loathing, she looked down at Beast Boy and prepared to tell him that wasn't true. Looking at him, however, the train of thought left her. He had deep scratches all over his arms and legs.
"Beast Boy! Are you okay?" She asked, monotone faltering, a shattered lamp became encased in dark energy and threatened to break further as she was thrown off by what she saw. She reined her emotions in once again and moved to heal the many scratches covering his body.
"Don't touch me. I don't deserve help." Beast Boy nearly growled at her as she got close. This caused Raven to hesitate for a minute and reply.
"What makes you think that?" Raven said, gently but still as monotone as she could manage.
"I'm nothing but a freak. I always have been." He replied, growling softly as his eyes welled up with tears. Raven was surprised to hear this. She knew he had insecurities but she could never guess he loathed himself. Moving to console him, she slowly sat down next to him and rested a tentative hand on his trembling shoulder. Against his protest, she began to heal his wounds. She could feel his raw emotions and knew he was trying to stop himself from crying.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Raven asked, gently. Surprising herself at how caring she was being. She realized, with a start, that she wanted nothing more than to help him in that moment.
"Why do you care?" Beast Boy said, half-heartedly. Raven nearly winced at this. She knew she wasn't the easiest person to get along with and often made it seem like she didn't like him. That was false, of course. She thought about his words for a moment before responding.
"I know we haven't always gotten along, but we've always cared about each other." Raven said, matter-of-factly. Beast Boy didn't protest but stayed silent nonetheless.
"I want to help you, Beast Boy." Raven finally spoke, breaking the silence, her monotone had changed into a calm even tone. She had since healed all of his wounds and was surprised at how gentle she was being. Beast Boy realized that she genuinely wanted to help but didn't know if talking was a good idea, or even where to start. He wasn't even fully sure what was bothering him or causing him to feel so depressed. Raven could feel his conflict and rested her hand on his shoulder, not one for physical contact, but deciding to reassure him all the same.
"Fine. But I don't really know what's wrong. I'm just sad and I think it's because I keep thinking about my past and stuff. I just don't want to feel like this anymore." He begged, finally looking up at her instead of staring at his knees. A sadness greater than nearly anything Raven had ever seen was swimming in his emerald eyes. She always suspected his jovial personality was a front for something, but seeing him like this she finally confirmed her suspicion. She unconsciously softened her features as she felt for him and spoke.
"That's okay. How about we start with something that's bothering you and figure it out from there." Raven replied, hoping he wouldn't feel like she was being too pushy.
"O...okay. I, uhh." Beast Boy started. He looked down at his knees again and bit his lip, his chest tightening again and emotions threatening to consume him. Raven could feel what he felt and closed her eyes, centering herself. After a long pause, Beast Boy felt his chest lighten and mustered enough courage to continue. "You know how I used to be with the Doom Patrol before joining the Teen Titans?" He asked, looking up from his knees and at Raven. He couldn't quite make eye-contact.
"Yes." Raven replied. She felt very relieved that he had decided to continue. It meant he trusted her enough with his pain and it meant she had a chance to help him through it.
"Well, long before that I had an actual family." He said, eyes slightly tearing up before he wiped them and took a deep breath. Raven nodded, waiting for him to continue.
"Well, my parents were biologists and I was an only child. We used to live in Africa where they worked to find cures to diseases that came from animals. Well, when I was little, I got too close to a monkey that carried a deadly illness and it bit me. Thankfully, my parents had a cure but it was their only one and it was very experimental. They decided to use it on me without knowing the consequences associated with it. I guess they figured that it was better than certain death." He stopped, thinking about how to phrase what came next, before continuing. "It worked, of course, they were geniuses. Anyway, that's why I'm green and I have my powers. They never told me exactly what was in it, I was way too little. I'm guessing it had a ton of random animal DNA or something. Anyway, they never had the chance to tell me." He shuddered nearly breaking into sobs.
After a brief pause to process what he said, Raven put a calming hand on his shoulder, stopping him. Looking at her thankfully, he took a deep breath and continued.
"Shortly after I got better, my parents took me on a boat ride in the river near their camp. I remember I was so excited that I kept insisting that my dad let me drive. While I was throwing a fit, though, he was distracted for a few seconds. He didn't notice an outstretched rock and it tore a hole in the boat. My parents and I all jumped into the water and tried to swim back to shore but the current was too strong and I turned into a bird and my dad told me to fly...and...and...I left them!" Beast Boy choked out as he began to shake, his chest tightening once again as unwanted feelings started to overwhelm him. Raven was shocked at the sheer amount of guilt and other negative emotions coming off of him.
Uncomfortable with the physical contact but realizing it was the only way to calm him down, Raven briefly hugged him to her shoulder.
After a few minutes, Beast Boy felt himself calming down. He composed himself and closed his eyes for a second. Raven looked at him gently and spoke.
"Did that help?" She asked, unsure of what to say or whether he wanted to continue. She knew he was feeling less terrible by reading his emotions, but she wanted to make sure he felt that way, as well. She had gotten a little less uncomfortable at their contact, realizing it was helping him more than it was bothering her, she'd have to meditate on that fact, later.
"Yea. I...Thanks." Beast Boy said, as he left her embrace and leaned back against his bed. He closed his eyes as he prepared to continue.
"No problem. Are you sure you want to continue?" Raven asked, a little concern making its way into her voice. Despite what he'd just told her, Raven could feel his negative emotions getting stronger as he seemingly prepared for the memory that was bothering him.
"Y...yea. But if you have to go I get it." Beast Boy replied, eyes looking at his door for a brief moment before looking at Raven, but still not meeting her gaze.
"Sorry, that's not what I meant. I just want to make sure this isn't making you feel worse." Raven said, quickly. She inwardly kicked herself for her phrasing. Beast Boy understood and nodded before taking a deep breath and continuing.
"So. After that, I flew until my wings hurt and I had to land. When I did, I was so tired that I simply returned to my normal form and fell asleep at the side of a road. The next thing I knew, I was in a large metal cage in the back of a truck. Next to me, in cages, were exotic animals of all kinds trying to get free. Realizing I could turn into an animal and free them all, I tried to turn into a large animal. But, because I was malnourished and still exhausted at that point, I couldn't. I sat in that truck with those suffering animals for longer than I could keep track of. When we finally stopped moving, two guys in masks emptied the truck of all the cages except mine and locked the door again. We stayed there for long enough that I fell asleep again. When I woke up next, I felt a really bad shock. I was being prodded with an electric baton." Beast Boy shuddered, remembering the event vividly in his mind as he closed his eyes. Raven frowned in anger as she heard of his mistreatment. Her anger was stronger than she expected as she heard of his past mistreatment. Realizing this, she quickly calmed herself down, and nodded, reassuringly, to him. Beast Boy saw her strange frown but was too engrossed in his memories to really process it. He took another deep breath and continued.
"I quickly became the in-home entertainment for whoever the person was. I was kept in a basement and was only brought up when guests were over. They'd all take turns prodding me and forcing me to change into various animals. To prevent me from changing into animals to escape, a high-tech collar was attached to my neck which shocked me back to my normal form whenever I changed during a certain time. They also barely ever fed me to ensure that I didn't have enough energy to fight through the shock. This went on for a long time, I don't know how long. It was hell. I thought I was gonna die there." Beast Boy finished as he shuddered at the memories. He didn't know how, but he was somehow feeling better each time he recounted another bad memory. Something about simply sharing his pain with someone made it more bearable.
Raven, on the other-hand, felt herself grow more and more angered as she heard of each instance of mistreatment against her friend. Reigning in her emotions, however, she gauged Beast Boy's and found that they had improved considerably since he'd started sharing his pain with her. Her anger started to ebb at that thought and was replaced with relief. She realized that she didn't have to do anything with the information he was telling her, he just needed to tell someone and that alone would make him feel better. A wave of disappointment in herself then flowed through her as she realized that Beast Boy had been fighting these memories since she met him and she'd only now recognized that something was amiss. Pushing those thoughts away, Raven looked at Beast Boy again and saw that he was seemingly collecting his own thoughts. She spoke.
"For the record, nothing like that will ever happen to you, again. Not if I can help it." Raven said, genuinely. She knew he didn't need anyone to tell him that, but she felt obligated to let him know she had his back. Beast Boy looked up from his thoughts and nodded, looking at Raven with a look that she hadn't seen from him before.
"Thanks, Raven. I, uhh, this is hard and I'm glad you're here for me." He said, chest lightening a little bit as his eyes began to water with relief. He desperately wanted to tell her he felt like he was drowning in the last few days and this conversation felt like his first breath of air in an entire lifetime. He wanted to tell her that he felt all alone and felt like he was going to die until she walked through his door and listened to him. But, as she sat there and helped him through it, he realized she understood.
Raven realized the look was sheer, unadulterated gratitude. It hit her that she was the only one he'd ever told any of this to. She felt relieved that he trusted her enough to share his past and, more so, happy that he was finally getting all of this off his chest. She nodded in response, not wanting to say anything in case she said the wrong thing.
He then closed his eyes and continued.
"Eventually, one of the guests alerted the police and I was taken out of that situation. Where I went wasn't too much better, though. I was taken in by a foster family that promised to give me a childhood that was as close to normal as possible. It didn't take long for that to change, though. The entire family constantly used me as the punchline of all their jokes. I was the family freak and they made sure I knew it. Somewhere along the line, they told me I'd be better off as a pet than an actual person. Eager for acceptance, I agreed and was only allowed outside of the house as a dog with a leash on at all times. They even had a metal collar made that was impossible for me to take off or shift out of. They then put up an electric fence so I couldn't leave unless I was supervised." Beast Boy then got really quiet and closed his eyes. Raven fought the urge to break something, reminding herself these were memories and she couldn't do anything about them. Despite that, she was still angry that someone abused her friend, even if it was in the past. She centered herself as she waited for him to continue.
"That was when Rita, Elasti-Girl, happened to see me in the yard of my foster parent's house and saved me. It was the first time someone actually cared about me without getting any real gain out of it. She even set me up with a position on the Doom Patrol. If it wasn't for them I would have probably gone crazy. But of course, like everything else, it went bad. I overheard her and Sam, Negative Man, arguing about how they might have to kick me off the team for not being serious enough. I left that evening and only recently talked to them again. When I did, though only Rita wanted anything to do with me." Beast Boy finished, looking less sad and much more tired than when the had started talking. He realized how much the memories had taken out of him, but he also recognized how much lighter he felt after having shared them with Raven.
Raven processed everything he had told her. She wouldn't have thought that the team jokester lived through so many bad memories and experiences. She knew that his jovial nature was a front for something, but she never expected that it was anything nearly as bad as what he'd just told her. She immediately felt bad for all the times she had told him to be serious. She realized that his behavior was his own way to protect himself. As much as it may annoy her, it helped calm him just like her meditation calmed her. Thinking, she spoke.
"Listen, Beast Boy. I can't possibly understand or imagine the amount of pain you've been through. I won't claim I do." Raven said, her monotone was nearly gone and replaced with a calm undertone. "But, I can do my best to make up for all the pain that you've been subjected to. Even though you annoy me sometimes, I still care about you. You know that, right?"
Beast Boy nodded, looking at her, thinking about what she'd said. He was happy that she hadn't told him everything was fine, or told him to get over it. Instead, she simply told him that she cared and was there. He felt other strange emotions well up in him. Unlike earlier, these weren't bad, they filled him with a sense of assurance and relief.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've had a lot of time to think while you've been sad and I realized that the team really needs you, and so do I." Raven rephrased. Somewhere inside her, a very inexperienced emotion jumped for joy. She finally understood how she truly felt about Beast Boy.
Beast Boy, on the other-hand, felt the strange emotions grow stronger and was taken aback by what she'd said. No one had ever said they needed him for anything. He was always the team member that was just...there.
"What do you mean, Raven?" Beast Boy asked, he wasn't sure how Raven could ever need him. She always seemed completely estranged from everything and everyone.
Raven took a second to read his emotions and was overjoyed that they were mostly positive. She knew there was along way to go to before Beast Boy completely lost his insecurities, but was happy at the progress, nonetheless. Thinking for a second, she replied.
"I mean exactly what I said, Beast Boy. I need you. You balance my absence of emotion with your overabundance of emotion. I never thought I'd be saying this but your presence completes me." Raven finished, unsure if he felt the same way but hoping that her honesty would cheer him up. She had a feeling he had a crush on her for awhile but had never realized her own feelings until he needed her to pick up his broken pieces.
"Are you...you. Are you saying you love me?" Beast Boy asked, shocked, and convinced it was a joke.
"I...I guess I am." Raven faltered for less than a second.
"Are you sure you're not just saying it to make me feel better?" Beast Boy asked, still unsure if he was imagining it and cautious of being hurt.
"I promise." Raven said, smiling at him. "It wont be easy, but I believe you and I need each other. You make me want to feel my emotions." Beast Boy's brain tried to comprehend the turn of events taking place. He hugged her, not trusting himself to say anything. Moments later he realized he hadn't told her he felt the same way. Still slightly uncomfortable with physical contact, Raven held Beast Boy at arms length and read his face for a reaction. Her mind raced. Had she made a mistake in confessing her feelings for him? Were his positive emotions not what she'd read them to be?
"I...I really like you, Raven. I have for awhile now." Beast Boy said, slowly, looking at her eyes and blushing furiously. Raven blushed ever so slightly before speaking.
"Are you sure? It's okay if you don't."
"I do. I promise." Beast Boy said. "Thanks for helping me, Rae. It really means a lot." He added. Raven slightly smiled, happy to hear his nickname for her after so long. Deciding to let the hug and nickname slide just this once, Raven spoke.
"Anytime, Beast Boy." She promised, gently, hugging him back.