A/N: This is the 4th story in my series that explores depression via Kathryn Janeway. The stories go in sequence, but each is only an exploration of a struggle, something related one-shots more than a continuous plotline. There are certain elements that build off previous stories, though, so be aware that by this point it is firmly established J/C even though that's not the main focus. If you want to read the stories in order, they are: In the Darkness, The Leak, Controlled. And then this one, of course.
I use these stories to explore aspects of my own depression as I deal with them. It has been amazing to me to realize how much it really isn't much of a stretch to make it that Janeway was dealing with depression the whole time, not just in the Void. I hope these stories are helpful to others as well, either in dealing with your own depression or understanding the perspective of someone who deals with it. If you have questions regarding depression or mental health in general, please feel free to PM me, but be aware that I am not a mental health professional. If you struggle with depression or thoughts of suicide (not something Janeway specifically struggles with here, but a struggle that could be a precursor to eventually feeling that) please contact a mental health professional, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800.273.8255 if in the US or you can do an internet search for a local one (for your own state, or for outside the US), or do an internet search for a local Warmline, which are best to contact within your own state or region and are for helping with struggles when you need someone but aren't actually suicidal.
There was nothing out there, Kathryn thought as she watched the stars.
Not that there was nothing out there in the universe, of course. There were planets and stars and asteroids and wormholes and black holes and space creatures they couldn't understand and species they'd never met and phenomena they hadn't yet encountered. They said they went to explore space, but it was the matter that broke up all the space that intrigued them. Exploring the somethings was what brought them all to space in the first place. But between all the something was a whole lot of nothing.
She wondered idly if that similarity to her own emotional state was a part of what drew her to space. If her search for something through all the nothing out here was a manifestation of her inward sense of the same.
It was happening again, she could tell. Or had already happened when she wasn't looking. The darkness was encroaching yet again, enveloping her in that same intense black nothing that she stared out into. She reached for her badge to comm Chakotay, then lowered her hand again. She couldn't ask him to come be with her through this right now. Or B'Elanna. She vaguely considered seeking Tuvok. He'd been one of her dearest friends for so long, and his logic often kept her grounded when she seemed to be floating through all her nothing.
But she couldn't talk to any of them. Not about this. Not when she knew the only thing she wanted to ask was the question that so often drove everyone away. She couldn't ask them that.
She was out the door and into the turbolift, having told Chakotay that he had the bridge on her way through, before she was aware of where she was going. Yet the moment she was in the lift she surprised herself by saying, "Med bay."
=/\=
When she entered the med bay, the Doctor looked up in surprise. "Captain! I didn't expect to see you. What do you need?" He turned back to some samples he was working with but kept slightly angled toward her in indication of listening. She felt the corner of her mouth twitch slightly as she thought what an improvement this was from how he started with them, when he was cold, brusque, and abrupt, lacking both bedside manner and active listening skills. He had come a long way.
"I, uh . . . ." She fumbled with her hands a little as she glanced around. "I just came to check in, Doctor. Feeling a little restless, I guess, and I realized I haven't been down to check in with you recently."
He glanced over his shoulder long enough to arch a holographic eyebrow. "Well, if anything significant had happened I certainly would have informed you. But I thank you for checking."
"Yes, well . . . ."
He pushed the drawer of samples back under the growth light and turned fully to her. "Was there something else, captain?"
"No, nothing. Keep up the good work, Doctor."
She was nearly to the door when he called out to stop her. "Captain!" She stopped, considered just walking away, but turned toward him again.
"Yes?"
"You know you can always tell me if you need anything?"
"Yes, Doctor, I know. Thank you." She managed a small smile as she headed out the door, never having asked the question. She couldn't. She shouldn't. It was a stupid and rather immature question, one her treacherous brain constantly asked even though logic told her there was no way to really answer it verbally.
=/\=
Back in her ready room, she flopped down on the couch and stared out at the stars again. She was there less than a minute before the door swished open. She immediately stood and walked to her desk, trying to look like she had been busy all along.
Tuvok entered, allowing the doors to close behind him again before he spoke. "Captain, are you well?"
"Yes, I'm fine, why?"
"I do not believe that you are 'fine.' I recall you telling me that Commander Chakotay once asserted you would make such a claim had your legs been forcibly removed by a Trayken beast. I tend to concur with this assessment."
"Honestly, Tuvok. I'm . . . ." He knew about her dark times. He'd known her for so long and, at one time, was the only member of her crew who knew. She took a deep breath and willed herself to be as honest as she'd said she was being. "I'm struggling a bit right now, but it's not terrible. Nothing I can't work through, nothing I can't deal with. Just one of those days."
He nodded. "I suspected as much. And yet I similarly suspect there may be more than what you are saying. Am I correct?"
"I . . . it's not more, exactly, just a portion of the same thing, but . . . I just . . . I keep wanting to . . . I don't know, irritate everyone with all my insecurities, I suppose." She shrugged ruefully, hoping he would leave it alone. She should have known better.
"Please elaborate."
Turning away and trying to be nonchalant in her response, she said, "There are just things that go on in this brain of mine that are hard to express, I guess. Philosophical questions and things. Questions best left unasked."
"You may ask me anything. I assure you I will not pass judgment on your inquisitions."
"Thank you, Tuvok," she said, turning back to him, though internally she couldn't help but think that Vulcans don't know how to not judge something as illogical if it doesn't fit their own viewpoint. "I think even just for my own sake, it's the sort of thing I need to not say. Something to wrestle with internally, knowing it will pass as the darkness does too." Sitting down at her desk, she said, "I've been pondering this too long, anyway. I need to get some actual work done."
Tuvok hesitated a moment before saying, "Very well, captain. I will leave you for now. But if you do need to talk-"
"I know where to find you."
=/\=
In her quarters that evening, Kathryn was just sitting down on her couch with a good book, trying to get her mind off . . . well, off her mind, really . . . when her door chime sounded.
"Come in," she called lacklusterly. The doors swished open to admit Chakotay.
"Hey," he said softly as he entered. She smiled at the pleasant surprise It had been several months since they'd begun their romantic relationship, and though it wasn't exactly a secret, they weren't announcing it to the ship officially either. Still, it wasn't unusual for him to come to her quarters, or her to go to his, she just hadn't expected him tonight.
"I thought you had plans with B'Elanna tonight."
"Well, the baby is apparently kicking her insides especially hard tonight and she begged off. Which was fine by me, I'd been trying to figure out whether there was a graceful way to bow out so I could come spend the evening with you anyway."
The words were innocent enough, but she knew him and there was something in his tone that tipped her off. "Alright, who was it, Tuvok or the Doctor?"
"Who was who?"
"You know who. We were in different parts of the ship most of the day, so you had limited time to observe me yourself. Either the Doctor told you about my visit to him earlier, or Tuvok told you about the conversation in my ready room. Which was it?"
He settled next to her on the couch and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She easily leaned into him, happy to accept his support. "None of the above," he said in answer to her question. "I don't have to see you for any length of time to get a sense that you might need me. But what I observed the rare moments that I saw you wasn't the biggest tip-off. I also heard my comm badge chirp at least 8 times today but nobody said anything. I checked where the calls were coming from and they all originated from your comm badge. Unless I'm mistaken, you needed someone to talk to but you kept talking yourself out of it."
She sighed and rolled her eyes, though he couldn't see that in their current positions. "Must've been some sort of malfunction."
"Of you, or the comm?" he teased. "Come on, Kathryn, we both know it wasn't a technical glitch. You don't have to say anything specific if you don't want to, I just-"
"Why do you put up with me?"
She hadn't meant to say the words. She hadn't meant to actually ask the question. She wasn't supposed to ever ask this question. It just made people feel obligated to say kind things, and she didn't want that. There was no way to know what actually went on inside their brains short of telepathic assistance of some sort, and the kind words were only answers about some of her characteristics, not an overall answer to the actual question. She squeezed her eyes shut and lowered her head a bit, as though she could hide herself inside his chest and that would somehow erase the words.
"Well, I'm kind of fond of you," he teased, but then his tone shifted. Whether it was because he sensed she wasn't receiving the teasing well or was where he was going with it in the first place, she wasn't sure, but the sincerity was palpable. "Kathryn, don't you know? I do more than put up with you. I am honored to be with you. In any sense of the word at all, not just as a couple but as a friend, as someone merely being in your presence, as a crew member watching you on the bridge. In any sense of the word at all, being with you is one of the most amazing things."
She shrugged a little, still not looking at him. "You have to say that, though. Boyfriend, best friend, first officer."
"And why do you think I'm so happy to be all those things?"
"I don't know, to be honest. But I don't really mean why do you, personally, put up with me. I mean why does . . . the ship? Everyone? The Maquis never actually tried to form a coup, Seska notwithstanding. You said yourself, nobody would let me sacrifice myself for their benefit, or entertain the notion of being somewhere else. To my knowledge, nobody has ever even suggested a different captain. And beyond all that . . . they seem to actually want me to do things with them during recreational times too. But . . . why? Why would they want me to? Why do you? Why does anybody put up with me? Even if people think I'm capable and the best means of their getting home, why would they put up with me, personally, interactively, on a day-to-day, moment-by-moment basis?"
"Kathryn, we really . . . I don't know how to emphasize enough to you that we don't just put up with you. We, all of us, want to be around you. There are people you're closer to. There are people who don't like you as much. Those who've had a harder time fitting into the crew but we have no way of trading them out like we could do in the Alpha Quadrant. Those who know you well and those who barely know you at all. And just like for anyone else, some of those people like you a lot, and some may not click with you personally quite as well. But there is not one person on this ship who doesn't want you here."
"That still doesn't answer why though. Why do people want me around? Why do people put up with me, in my bossy ways and my confident ways and my insecure ways and my depression that they don't really know is there but they still see my negative moods to some degree. With all that, why would anyone put up with me? Why?"
"I don't . . . how do I possibly answer that? You can't see you. We see you. You can see your reflection, you can hear thoughts going on in your brain that none of the rest of us are privy to, but you can't step outside yourself and see you from our perspective. I mean, if I asked you, could you tell me why you put up with me?"
She finally pulled away from him a bit, only to glare up into his face. "That's not the same."
"Why not?"
"Because you're you! You're sweet and lovable and kind and-"
"And angry and intense and carrier of a crazy gene that apparently some aliens can manage to reactivate. I mean, is that really who you want to be with?"
"Yes! You . . . argh! You know I do, Chakotay, and for all of that, you're still . . . you're you. I don't know how else to say that. You're just you and all of that makes you who you are, and it's still not the same as why people would ever put up with me."
"Sweetheart, it's exactly the same. You're you. Every bit of who you are makes us want you to be you."
"I . . . I just don't understand why."
"Then I'll keep trying to tell you. As far as I'm concerned, I'll keep telling you for the rest of our lives, and maybe one day you'll come to believe it. But for now, I guess you'll just have to trust me that we do want to be around you. We don't just 'put up with' you. We choose you. If you can't understand why, just believe me that we do."
She snuggled into his chest a little tighter, relishing the feel of him holding her as she murmured, "Okay. For now, okay."