Chapter 4: I Know why

"Come on, Sev," Lily called out, glancing over her shoulder. She was grown but she was running along the river near their childhood homes. This was their special place. Her beautiful red hair was flowing behind her. Severus grinned as he chased after her. She was so close to him, yet just slightly out of his reach.

The currents of the river began to change, swirling into a whirlpool as the afternoon sky turned into a moonless night. A flash of green and the Dark Mark glowed above them.

Lily did not seem to notice. It was not safe for her there.

"Lily!" Severus yelled after her. She was getting farther and farther ahead of her. "Lily!"

"Severus Snape," a sickeningly thick voice hissed in his ear.

Severus tried to run faster but his legs weren't responding. He looked down to see that great snake wrapped around his ankles, holding him to the spot. The snake looked up at Severus with hungry eyes.

"Severus Snape," Voldemort said again. Severus could feel the dark lord's hot breath on the nape of his neck. He did not dare turn around. His eyes were locked on Lily ahead of him. She had finally stopped running and was looking back at him. Though she was far away, Severus could clearly see the shame and disappointment in her emerald eyes.

"Severus Snape," Voldemort continued, "do you vow to serve your fellow wizarding kind?"

Severus's mouth moved involuntarily. "Yes," he uttered.

"Will you protect and fight for the rights of your magical blood?"

Again, Severus had no control of his speech. "Yes," he answered.

"Are you willing to trim away the impurities of our race?" Voldemort's voice echoed in his ear.

'No,' Severus thought. 'no, no.' "Yes," he said in a firm, carrying voice.

"Do you vow to serve me?" Voldemort asked.

"Yes," Severus replied without meaning to.

"Then serve me now, Severus Snape," Voldemort said.

Severus's wand arm was raising slowly of its own accord. 'no, no,' Severus thought. This time when Severus spoke, it was Voldemort's hissing voice that came out. "Avada Kedavra!"

A stream of green light shot from Severus's wand. He could feel the current move up his whole body. And as if the light was an extension of himself, Severus could feel the smack as the light hit its target.

He watched Lily crumple to the ground.

"Lily!" he screamed. "Lily!"

Severus knew as he listened to the sound of Lord Voldemort's laughter in his ear, that Lily would not get up.

"Professor!"

Severus felt a gentle hand in his and the horrible scene began to dissolve away.

"Professor!"

Severus's eyes flung open.

Rose was standing over him.

She was gripping his hand and quickly tapping his forearm to pull him back into consciousness.

"Professor Snape," Rose said breathlessly, "are you alright?"

"Fine," Severus said in a cracked voice.

"Okay, well," Rose said a little embarrassed, "It's just that you didn't seem fine."

"Well I am," he returned coldly. Severus could feel that his whole body was drenched in a cold sweat and his eyes stung. He tried to wipe his brow but grimaced when he remembered that his arms were currently useless.

Rose wanted to say something comforting, like 'it was just a nightmare,' but based on the unconscious yelling, Rose suspected that this was much more. She had those types of dreams too. She would want to punch someone in the face if they just wrote off her terror as a dark figment of her imagination.

"I can get you a dry nightshirt and sheets," Rose decided to say. She began rummaging though things in the room, mostly to give Severus time to compose himself. "I can make you a dreamless sleep potion."

"I don't like to take those," Severus managed to say. This was a reoccurring dream of his and he knew that he deserved to watch it play out night after night.

Rose's brows knit together. "Are you sure?" She has watched Severus thrashing and yelling out desperately. She had seen tears spill out of the corners of his clenched lids.

"I told you no," Severus said roughly.

"Fine," Rose said back sharply.

She moved towards him again, her arms laden with fresh sheets and nightshirt

Severus eyed her scathingly as she approached; he seemed to retreat away from her even though he could barely move.

Rose signed. "You do realize, that I have been caring for you for a week," she pointed out, "that can't suddenly just stop now that you're conscious."

Severus grimaced and looked away from her. "If I had been able, I would have told you not to bother," he hissed.

Rose set the clean linens down. She pointed your wand at a small basin and it filled with lightly steaming water. She wet a cloth and gently pressed it to Severus's forehead.

He flinched as if she had slapped him. "Don't," he demanded.

Rose pulled the cloth away. "I'm going to tell you something that is really going to piss you off," she said. Severus's eyes slid towards her, so she knew he was listening. "You were going to find out sooner or later." She mumbled more to herself. She pulled up a chair beside Severus, so that she was more at eye level with him. "The wizarding world is learning who you are, Professor," she began. "Those memories you gave Harry Potter," she watched a shadow cross over Professor Snape's face, "they are the key to your innocence, but not only that, people know what you did for them."

"Potter, just handed my personal thoughts over to anyone who asked, is that it?" Severus said bitterly.

"I have no idea what those memories show," Rose confirmed. "Only the people working to clear your name have seen them." Rose did not mention that that was described as an entire panel of people. "What I do know, is that you put yourself in mortal danger daily for years. I know you chose to work towards good even though it would have been easier to work towards evil."

"I suppose you know that I didn't give a damn about the bloody state of the world," Severus said fiercely.

He was talking about his own agenda. He was talking about Lily. "I know why," Rose whispered, not daring to utter Lily Potter's name.

Rose knew that Lily Potter was born to No Mag parents just like her. She also knew that Lily worked against You-Know-Who the first time because she cared about the 'bloody state of the world.'

Rose did not believe for a minute, that if Professor Snape loved Lily Potter like they say, enough to die for her cause, that he couldn't not care. She was long dead, yet he still clung to her ideals of what was right. "I know why you did what you did," Rose said, her voice growing stronger, "and I respect that."

Severus's lips parted slightly as if to say something, but then remained silent.

"I respect you, Severus," Rose felt her cheeks get hot as she used his first name. She waited for him to reprimand her, but he didn't. He just stared at her with an intense, yet unreadable gazed. "I recognize that you can't stand the idea of someone else taking care of you. But please believe me when I tell you, it is my pleasure to make you well again. I would be honored to be the one that helps you, so that you can see the world you helped to create."

Severus just continued to stare at her wordlessly. Rose squirmed slightly under his eye, but she forced herself to look right back, so that Severus Snape knew she meant every word. Then slowly Rose approached Severus again, placing the damp cloth against his face. This time Severus closed his eyes slightly at her touch. It felt good to have the sweat from his nightmare so gently wiped away.

Rose slowly peeled the open-backed hospital gown away from Severus's body, exposing his pale chest. Severus was more alert now; he glared at her over the bridge of his nose, but he did not demand her to stop touching him. She carefully pulled his arms out the sleeves. She wet her cloth again and slowly wiped it over his chest, arms, and hands.

Over the past week, Rose had pretty much become familiar with every inch of Severus Snape's body. But it felt different now that he was awake and watching her. Before he was an unconscious body needing to be tended to, but now he was a man in front of her.

His chest was very pale, like the rest of him, and he had soft, black hair that stretched over his breast bones. His chest and shoulders were broader than one would expect from the professor's slim frame. There were slight muscles in his arms, not the type that develop from lifting heavy objects, but those formed from repetitive movements, stirring of cauldrons and wand waving. Rose followed a light trail of hair down Professor Snape's abdomen.

She stole a quick glance at the professor's face, he was watching the far wall. Rose felt relieved that he was not glaring at her as she brought the cloth down further.

Severus flinched as he felt the light pressure between his legs and over his upper thighs. Rose looked up at him again, worried she had hurt him. They caught each other's eyes and quickly looked away.

Rose finished quickly. She helped the professor into a dry nightshirt and then, with his permission, cast a levitating charm on him so that she could change his sheet. She really did not mind doing any of this. However, in the hospital, Rose had assistances to help with these tasks. She felt out of practice with the strange feeling of intimacy that comes with touching another person while they watch. When she was training to heal, she was more familiar with doing these types of things. Although, often times, the people requiring this level of care were elderly witches and wizards or small children.

She knew it shouldn't make a difference but touching a fully conscious, younger man seemed somehow much more intimate.

Rose did not know exactly how old Professor Snape was, but she guessed he was not yet forty. Probably only slightly more than 10 years her senior.

"Better?" Rose asked him.

Severus allowed himself to make eye contact with her again. "Yes," he said under his breath.

Rose waited a moment for a 'thank you.' It didn't come. "Well, goodnight again," she chimed. Dimming the lights with her wand. She left a solitary candle burning as if knowing that Severus did not want to be cast in darkness.

Rose went over and sat on the cot on the other side of the room. She was not posed for sleep. She pulled her knees to her chest and when she thought Severus was not looking, she pulled out a chain from beneath her robes.

Severus eyed her from his peripherals. At the end of the chain was a gold and rather large, diamond ring. Rose squeezed the ring in her palm and held her clenched fist over her heart. She took in a sharp breath before replaying the chain back under her robes.

Severus closed his eyes at once, so she wouldn't catch him looking at her.